Tim Vine Jokes

[Not Now Kato]

Of all the bad puns in the world, the ones about German sausages are the wurst.

[Not Now Kato]

I just can't see me living in a house without mirrors.

[Not Now Kato]

A really handsome bloke ran past me this evening. I thought, he’s dashing.

[Not Now Kato]

Newsflash! A man has been stealing wheels off police cars.

Police are working tirelessly to catch him.

[Not Now Kato]

Rumors of a food shortage at this year’s spoonerism conference turned out to be a complete lack of pies.

[Not Now Kato]

Two guys looking in a car showroom window. One says: "There's the one I'd get."

Seconds later he was beaten-up by a cyclops.

[Bentley Bullet]

Breaking News....

Devon and Cornwall have cancelled their planned joint '60s & '70s retro music festival after a row over whether to put The Jam or Cream on first.

[Not Now Kato]

Polce toay announce they are nvestgatng a strng of ID thefts.

[Not Now Kato]

I was sitting by the pool with a sociology student and asked him, have you read Marx yet?

He said yes, I think its these wicker chairs.

[ravenrover]

I was driving the other day and thought Van Morrison was just behind me. Realised that the rearview mirror reverses things and it was actually a Morrisons Van

[Not Now Kato]

I'm selling my pet python on eBay and some bloke just rang up and asked, "Is it big?"
I said "It's huge."
He said "WOW! How many feet?"
I said "None, its a snake".

[Iberian Red]

NNK,you are without doubt the king of one liners on this forum.

[Not Now Kato]

NNK,you are without doubt the king of one liners on this forum.

Just trying to bring a bit of light hearted fun amongst all the angst in Off Topic.  Here's another one
 
 
I caught my son chewing on an electric cord, so I had to ground him. He’s doing better currently and now conducting himself properly.

[Not Now Kato]

My wife asked me to clear the table this morning.
 
I needed a run up, but I made it.

[drfchound]

Polce toay announce they are nvestgatng a strng of ID thefts.

A friend I hadn’t seen for a while told me that he struggled to say words which had an F, T or H in them.
I said , you can’t say fairer than that then.

[Bentley Bullet]

A bloke with a bucket of bitumen looked over my garden fence, he said "Do you want your shed retard?" I said, "No."
So he took it!

[Not Now Kato]

Anyone got any ideas on how to fix a noisy dishwasher?............ I've tried flowers, chocolates and wine and she's still moaning