Viz Top Tips

[belton rover]

Save money on expensive mouthwash by spitting it back into the bottle once you’ve rinsed.
Replace the bottle once it becomes chewy.

[Bentley Bullet]

Rodeo Sex.

Call your girlfriend by a different name during sex and see how long you can stay on.

[tyke1962]

Only ever use the loo at work , not only are you saving on toilet paper you are also getting paid .

[Not Now Kato]

Save water, bath with a friend.

[andy didcott]

Always keep an empty bottle of milk in your fridge just in case any visitors want black tea/ coffee.

[normal rules]

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

[Bentley Bullet]

Baseball cap manufacturers. Save the wearer the bother of turning the caps round by putting the peak on the other side.

[belton rover]

EMPLOYERS. Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

[normal rules]

Lots to go at:

Climb onto your neighbour’s roof and dangle a fish on a bit of string in front of his windows. He’ll think his house is underwater.

Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. – Mr. KVL 741Y

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.

When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road. – D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead General Infirmary

A next door neighbour’s car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they`re always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc `tastes exactly like the real thing`, they won`t know any difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you`d no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

Bomb disposal experts’ wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to ‘fast wipe’ whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

Don’t invite drug addicts round for a meal on boxing day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.

Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don’t know.

Bus drivers. Pretend you’re an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.

Save petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you’ve broken down and help.

Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

[Pancho Regan]

Rappers: Avoid having to say "Y'know what I'm sayin'?" all the time by simply speaking clearly in the first place.

[Sprotyrover]

Save all of the vegetable peelings chuck together and call it a Stir fry, just like Sainsbury’s did to me last night!

[belton rover]

Don't ever let 80s star Paul Young leave a hat at your house.  He'll try and claim your property.

[BillyStubbsTears]

Drivers with fragile egos. Don't waste time and money buying personalised number plates. Just get a permanent marker and write "I am a bell end" on your forehead.

[Colin C No.3]

Lewis Hamilton moving to Ferrari will make no difference. He’ll still be a tw*t with a ‘man bun’.

[i_ateallthepies]

There's an amber snow and ice warning out for northern England and Wales:  Don't eat amber snow...

[belton rover]

Enhance your enjoyment when listening to the theme tune of ‘Match of the Day’, by fitting the lyrics ‘I said f**k off you f**king bas**rd, f**k off you f**king t**t’.
I know I do.

[Mike_F]

Not a Top Tip but the following appeared in "Letterbocks" about 15 years ago and has been stuck in my head ever since:

Whenever I hear the jingle "Autoglass repair, Autoglass replace" I sing "Semen in your hair, semen on your face."

You're welcome.