Tim Vine Jokes

[belton rover]

A bloke in the pub last night bragged that he was a big star in the 80s.

I didn't believe him but he was adamant.

What was his name?

[Colin C No.3]

So I took my dog to the vets & asked “What’s best to feed him on, a can of Pedigree Chum or a bone?” The vet asked “What’s your dogs name?”. I answered “Nick knack paddy whack”.

[Bentley Bullet]

I was completely shocked today when my doctor told me I was colour-blind.

It was a bolt out of the green.

[Colin C No.3]

So I did this parachute jump where they attach you to another person & push you out of the plane. It was really scary. The scariest bit was when the bloke strapped to my back said “So how long have you been an instructor then?”.

[Bentley Bullet]

A bloke in the pub last night bragged that he was a big star in the 80s.

I didn't believe him but he was adamant.

What was his name?

Don't know but he was Prince Charming to all the women.

[Colin C No.3]

My wife walked in all flustered & said “You’re not going to like this but I’ve just reversed the car into a pole in the supermarket car park”. I said “How badly is the car damaged?” she said “The bumper has a bit of a dent in it, that’s all”. Then thinking about cctv cameras in the car park I asked “What state was the pole in?”. She said “It’s difficult to say to be honest. I don’t speak Polish”.

[scawsby steve]

A bloke in the pub last night bragged that he was a big star in the 80s.

I didn't believe him but he was adamant.

What was his name?

Don't know but he was Prince Charming to all the women.

Which prompted you to stand and deliver another joke.

[Not Now Kato]

A bear walks into a bar.

The barman asks him

"What can I get you?"

The bear says,
"I'll have a
Jack Daniels
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
and coke."


The barman says to him,
"No problem, pal.
But what's with the big pause?"



The bear looks down and says,

“Oh, these? I dunno, I was born with them."

[Colin C No.3]

I’m reading a book called ‘The History of Glue’. Honestly, I can’t put it down.

[Spud]

So I took my dog to the vets & asked “What’s best to feed him on, a can of Pedigree Chum or a bone?” The vet asked “What’s your dogs name?”. I answered “Nick knack paddy whack”.

You're gonna have to put me put of my misery with these dog ones, someone.....

[Spud]

In fact, it's just dropped lol.
What was the other one, eye eye eye oh?

[Bentley Bullet]

A bloke walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't think it's in yet."

"Yeah, that's the one"

[belton rover]

The same bloke said ‘have you got any thrillers set in the world of horse racing?’

‘Do you like Dick Francis?’

‘That’s none of your business, and my name’s not Francis!’

[mugnapper]

Why do cats never answer their mobiles?
Because they're always on mewt.

[Bentley Bullet]

I met a bloke called Ian Tevvy the other day. He said his brother was the lead singer with the Hollies.

[belton rover]

I asked an elderly man why he was using two huge frozen chips as walking sticks.
He said: “They’re McCains!”

[Hounslowrover]

Researchers say humans eat more bananas than monkeys.  I know, I’ve never eaten a monkey, only their nuts.

[belton rover]

I bought one of Elton John's old cars recently.

It was an X Reg.

[turnbull for england]

A bloke walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't think it's in yet."

"Yeah, that's the one"

Have you got any books on Paranoia?

They are behind you..

[Bentley Bullet]

My four-year-old grandson can't say Please in Spanish.....

That's poor for four.

[Bentley Bullet]

A mate of mine said he was gonna buy me one of those folk guitarist/comedy song albums that were popular in the 70s.

He said: "When I went to pay for it I couldn't get my card in, so I got you Jasper Carrott instead."

[Bentley Bullet]

Scawsby Steve asked his hairdresser what cut would make him look better looking.

She said "A power cut."

[ravenrover]

A mate of mine said he was gonna buy me one of those folk guitarist/comedy song albums that were popular in the 70s.

He said: "When I went to pay for it I couldn't get my card in, so I got you Jasper Carrott instead."

I have to say it took me a minute or two but it's one of your better ones
Saw him back in the 70"s at the Gaumont never laughed so much, then again a gew years back now more of a folkie telling a few jokes still very good though

[Bentley Bullet]

A mate of mine said he was gonna buy me one of those folk guitarist/comedy song albums that were popular in the 70s.

He said: "When I went to pay for it I couldn't get my card in, so I got you Jasper Carrott instead."

I have to say it took me a minute or two but it's one of your better ones
Saw him back in the 70"s at the Gaumont never laughed so much, then again a gew years back now more of a folkie telling a few jokes still very good though

Which one?

[ravenrover]

My card in

[Bentley Bullet]

Why did the cows keep returning to the marijuana field?

It was a case of the pot calling the cattle back.

[Bentley Bullet]

The steaks have never been so high.

[ravenrover]

In a speech to a private school assembly by the WW11 ace Douglas Bader
So there were 2 of the f**kers behind me, 3 f**kers to my left  and 3 f**kers to my right
The distressed Headmistress interrupted and explained to assembled students that a Focker was a type of German fighter plane
Ah, that is correct, the Ace continued, but these f**kers were all in Messerschmitts


Not a true story allegedly

[belton rover]

In a speech to a private school assembly by the WW11 ace Douglas Bader
So there were 2 of the f**kers behind me, 3 f**kers to my left  and 3 f**kers to my right
The distressed Headmistress interrupted and explained to assembled students that a Focker was a type of German fighter plane
Ah, that is correct, the Ace continued, but these f**kers were all in Messerschmitts


Not a true story allegedly

What a thieving t**t Stan Boardman was.

[Bentley Bullet]

My best friend when I was a kid was Andy Zoff.

He was the fastest boy at my school.