Tim Vine Jokes

[Colin C No.3]

My mates got a butler who’s left arm is missing. Serves him right.

[scawsby steve]

A guy sits down on a park bench for a rest, and puts his trilby down at the side of him. Another guy walks past with a dog on a leash. The dog jumps up and starts chomping at the trilby with it's teeth. This starts a feisty dialogue between the two guys.

"Get your bloody dog under control"

"I will, but there's no need to be like that"

"Be like what?"

"It's your attitude"

"I know it's my f*cking hat he chewed, that's why I'm p*ssed off "

OK, guys, I'll get mi coat.

[Colin C No.3]

I walked into a jewellers & said to the man at the counter “I’d like to buy a watch please”. He said “Analogue?” I said “No thank you, just a watch”.

[Bentley Bullet]

My mate got stopped by the Police.
 "Name"
  "Neil"
  "Any I.D"
"No, N.E.I.L."

[Colin C No.3]

So this prisoner shouted “It’s freezing in this cell!”. The warden said “I’ll put you another bar on”.

[Bentley Bullet]

Thinking about a comment from an old school report of mine, how many Gorms should I have had in the first place?

[Colin C No.3]

I’ve just got back from a once in a lifetime holiday. Never again.

[Bentley Bullet]

My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini.

I said, “Wow that’s an amazing car.”

He said, "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I’ll be able to get another one next year.”

[Colin C No.3]

So I said to this barn owl “I’ve just got engaged”. It turned its head & said “Twit. To who?”.

[Bentley Bullet]

Two cannibals sitting around a campfire.

"I don't like your wife"

"Just eat the chips then"

[Colin C No.3]

During the First World War, my grandad survived attacks by both mustard gas & pepper spray. He was a seasoned veteran.

[ravenrover]

Many women are completely satisfied with 3 1/2 inches ......









and it doesn’t matter if it’s a MasterCard or a Visa.

[Colin C No.3]

Me & my wife’s first Christmas together & I put all the Christmas lights up. On the tree, around the house & in the garden.

She got home from work & was so excited when I showed her she said “Please can I switch them on?” Then I told her “I know it’s hard to believe but I’m no electrician. Boy did she get a shock.

[eric the red]

My dog was learning to play the horn and it was driving me daft, so i took the horn off him. He went from Tooting to Barking in less than two minuets.

[andy didcott]

I’ve just offered the old woman next door £5 to have a go on her Stannah stairlift, she’s going to take me up on it.

[Colin C No.3]

I said to the gym instructor “Can you teach me how to do the splits?”

He said “How flexible are you?” I said “I can’t do Tuesdays”.

[Bentley Bullet]

Just got back from seeing the Spanish Steps in Rome.

They were the worst tribute group I've ever seen.

[Colin C No.3]

I went to see my doctor, he said “Lie on the couch.” I said “Why?”
He said “I want to sweep up.”

[belton rover]

My budgie broke his leg so I made him a splint out of a matchstick.
You should have seen his face light up when he took his first step.

[Bentley Bullet]

This bloke said to me "Can you tell me your availability to run a football team in Sheffield?"

I said "I can't manage Wednesday."

[Colin C No.3]

So I went to see my doctor. He said “Hello. I haven’t seen you for a while” I said “No, I’ve been ill.”

[Bentley Bullet]

Just invented a glove for removing the lid from the jars of Colman's condiment.

It's not my best invention, Mustard Mitt.

[belton rover]

I bought some of those Jamie Oliver sausages.
I knew they were his because on the packet it said ‘prick with a fork’.

[Donnywolf]

My mate just took Airline to Court for losing his Baggage but lost his Case

[Donnywolf]

A mate asked me "if a Swan has a swansong , does a Cygnet have a signature tune "

[Colin C No.3]

My mate came second in a Winston Churchill look alike competition. Close, but no cigar.

[Bentley Bullet]

Bruiser from next door collared me last night and said I'd been pinching washing off of his line.

I nearly shat his pants.

[Colin C No.3]

I took my dog to the vets & said “I’m confused. I don’t know whether to feed it with Pedigree Chum or just a bone?”.

The vet said “What’s its name?”.

I said “Eye, eye, eye oh”.

[Bentley Bullet]

When I heard they'd found a cure for dyslexia, It was music to my arse.

[Bentley Bullet]

A bloke in the pub last night bragged that he was a big star in the 80s.

I didn't believe him but he was adamant.