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Tim Vine Jokes
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May 13, 2024, 08:58:59 am
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Author
Topic: Tim Vine Jokes (Read 25446 times)
0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.
Pancho Regan
VSC Member
Posts: 2730
Re: Tim Vine Jokes
«
Reply #300 on
February 21, 2024, 02:28:44 pm
by
Pancho Regan
»
The police arrested two youths in our local park the other day.
One was drinking battery acid and the other was chewing a firework.
They charged one and let the other one off.
Logged
Re: Tim Vine Jokes
«
Reply #300 on:
February 21, 2024, 02:28:44 pm »
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Colin C No.3
VSC Member
Posts: 4253
Re: Tim Vine Jokes
«
Reply #301 on
February 26, 2024, 10:17:41 am
by
Colin C No.3
»
My neighbour threw milk, butter & eggs at me. How dairy.
Logged
welloffside
Forum Member
Posts: 150
Re: Tim Vine Jokes
«
Reply #302 on
February 29, 2024, 12:43:19 pm
by
welloffside
»
My local indian restaurant was robbed last night. Several staff were hurt, the manager is in a Korma.
Logged
Pancho Regan
VSC Member
Posts: 2730
Re: Tim Vine Jokes
«
Reply #303 on
February 29, 2024, 12:51:54 pm
by
Pancho Regan
»
Don't you just hate it when someone answers their own questions?
I know I do.
Logged
Bentley Bullet
VSC Member
Posts: 19420
Re: Tim Vine Jokes
«
Reply #304 on
February 29, 2024, 02:20:45 pm
by
Bentley Bullet
»
People in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but those in Abu Dhabi Do.
Logged
welloffside
Forum Member
Posts: 150
Re: Tim Vine Jokes
«
Reply #305 on
March 01, 2024, 11:16:58 am
by
welloffside
»
Wayne Rooney's house has been burgled and his library ransacked.
He's very upset because he hadn't finished colouring some of them in
Logged
Colin C No.3
VSC Member
Posts: 4253
Re: Tim Vine Jokes
«
Reply #306 on
March 01, 2024, 12:00:27 pm
by
Colin C No.3
»
‘Boo’ is Aboriginal for ‘come back’.
That’s why when you throw an ordinary meringue……
Logged
Not Now Kato
VSC Member
Posts: 3056
Re: Tim Vine Jokes
«
Reply #307 on
March 01, 2024, 02:27:32 pm
by
Not Now Kato
»
I have a friend who reads 2 to 3 books a week, works out twice a day, has no financial worries, and has people who want to have sex with him all the time. And yet he constantly complains about how much he hates prison.
Logged
Not Now Kato
VSC Member
Posts: 3056
Re: Tim Vine Jokes
«
Reply #308 on
March 08, 2024, 06:02:54 pm
by
Not Now Kato
»
My psychiatrist says I have trouble verbalising my emotions.
I can't say I'm surprised.
Logged
Not Now Kato
VSC Member
Posts: 3056
Re: Tim Vine Jokes
«
Reply #309 on
March 11, 2024, 09:04:40 pm
by
Not Now Kato
»
So what if you can't spell Armageddon, it's not the end of the world.
Logged
Not Now Kato
VSC Member
Posts: 3056
Re: Tim Vine Jokes
«
Reply #310 on
March 12, 2024, 02:50:03 pm
by
Not Now Kato
»
Abracadabra, now there's a word to conjure with
Logged
drfchound
Forum Member
Posts: 29638
Re: Tim Vine Jokes
«
Reply #311 on
March 12, 2024, 06:03:41 pm
by
drfchound
»
A lad in my class told the teacher that he struggled to say words that had an f, t and h in them
The teacher replied “well you can’t say fairer than that then”.
Logged
ravenrover
VSC Member
Posts: 9722
Re: Tim Vine Jokes
«
Reply #312 on
March 13, 2024, 12:19:13 pm
by
ravenrover
»
My wife ran off with my best friend John yesterday
Since when has John been your best friend?
Since yesterday
Logged
Not Now Kato
VSC Member
Posts: 3056
Re: Tim Vine Jokes
«
Reply #313 on
March 15, 2024, 03:23:40 pm
by
Not Now Kato
»
Asked my doctor if he could give me something for wind. He gave me a kite!
Logged
welloffside
Forum Member
Posts: 150
Re: Tim Vine Jokes
«
Reply #314 on
March 18, 2024, 05:23:10 pm
by
welloffside
»
What do call a chicken in a shellsuit?
An egg
Logged
welloffside
Forum Member
Posts: 150
Re: Tim Vine Jokes
«
Reply #315 on
March 18, 2024, 05:28:02 pm
by
welloffside
»
A man walks into a cafe.
The waitress comes over and asks "What would you like?"
"I'd love a quicky" he replies. She slaps his face and storms off.
The woman on the next table leans over and whispers " It's pronounced quiche"
Logged
Bentley Bullet
VSC Member
Posts: 19420
Re: Tim Vine Jokes
«
Reply #316 on
March 18, 2024, 07:31:26 pm
by
Bentley Bullet
»
I asked for a wake-up call at a Premier Inn before going to bed the other week.
The receptionist said, "You're an alcoholic and you're killing yourself."
Logged
Not Now Kato
VSC Member
Posts: 3056
Re: Tim Vine Jokes
«
Reply #317 on
March 19, 2024, 08:42:21 am
by
Not Now Kato
»
When I got home earlier, I found a large manilla envelope on my door mat.
On it was a sticker saying:
DO NOT BEND!
I still haven't worked-out how I'm going to pick it up.
Logged
Colin C No.3
VSC Member
Posts: 4253
Re: Tim Vine Jokes
«
Reply #318 on
March 19, 2024, 05:41:42 pm
by
Colin C No.3
»
I never apologise.
Sorry I’m just made that way.
Logged
welloffside
Forum Member
Posts: 150
Re: Tim Vine Jokes
«
Reply #319 on
March 28, 2024, 04:51:43 pm
by
welloffside
»
Something I found out, the word gullible is not in the Oxford English Dictionary
Logged
Donnywolf
VSC Member
Posts: 20390
Re: Tim Vine Jokes
«
Reply #320 on
April 02, 2024, 11:38:55 pm
by
Donnywolf
»
What do Rovers do to promotion hopefuls dreams
Wrecks em
Logged
ravenrover
VSC Member
Posts: 9722
Re: Tim Vine Jokes
«
Reply #321 on
April 09, 2024, 05:33:34 pm
by
ravenrover
»
Did you know that there’s not a single canary in the Canary Islands?
The same holds for the Virgin Islands.
Really, not a single canary.
Logged
welloffside
Forum Member
Posts: 150
Re: Tim Vine Jokes
«
Reply #322 on
April 23, 2024, 01:47:57 pm
by
welloffside
»
You do realise, that if the two blokes in ABBA were Steve & Dave, 'Dancing Queen' would have been sung by ASDA
Logged
ravenrover
VSC Member
Posts: 9722
Re: Tim Vine Jokes
«
Reply #323 on
April 23, 2024, 03:12:54 pm
by
ravenrover
»
Chap admitted to AnE with 25 toy plastic horses up his backside. The Doctor said he was fine and his condition was Stable
Logged
welloffside
Forum Member
Posts: 150
Re: Tim Vine Jokes
«
Reply #324 on
April 26, 2024, 06:00:13 pm
by
welloffside
»
I was in the supermarket to buy some fly spray
" Is this good for wasps?" I asked the assistant
"No, it kills 'em"
Logged
Colin C No.3
VSC Member
Posts: 4253
Re: Tim Vine Jokes
«
Reply #325 on
April 27, 2024, 10:53:03 am
by
Colin C No.3
»
I was in town this morning & I saw a group of people collecting for Parkinsons.
They were shaking tins which I thought was a bit insensitive.
Logged
Branton Red
Forum Member
Posts: 957
Re: Tim Vine Jokes
«
Reply #326 on
April 27, 2024, 07:02:08 pm
by
Branton Red
»
Beware the dangers of wearing underpants made in Ukraine - Chernobyl Fallout.
Logged
welloffside
Forum Member
Posts: 150
Re: Tim Vine Jokes
«
Reply #327 on
May 02, 2024, 05:10:28 pm
by
welloffside
»
The new fashion and make up shop is doing Ear Piercing 'while you wait'
Logged
Not Now Kato
VSC Member
Posts: 3056
Re: Tim Vine Jokes
«
Reply #328 on
May 07, 2024, 11:57:50 am
by
Not Now Kato
»
I was up all night last night wondering what had happened to the sun, then it suddenly dawned me!
Logged
Bentley Bullet
VSC Member
Posts: 19420
Re: Tim Vine Jokes
«
Reply #329 on
May 07, 2024, 08:30:18 pm
by
Bentley Bullet
»
INTERVIEWER: " What would you say are your main qualities?"
APPLICANT: "Well, I lack empathy for people and I've been described as uncooperative, bordering on downright hostile"
INTERVIEWER: " Excellent!, Start on Monday at the doctors reception desk"
Logged
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