Viking Supporters Co-operative
Viking Chat => Off Topic => Topic started by: tommy toes on September 20, 2015, 08:44:41 pm
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I've accidentally removed it. Sorry :blush:
All those amazing factual gems lost forever, well done to all and thanks for keeping it going x
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What were we up to?
Next : Rugby World Cup
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Years before Blackpool Pleasure Beach and Alton Towers, THE top thrill attraction in the country was a minature model of several rather dull midlands towns. As ever in these places, you were directed through the gift shop on the way out, where you could buy such gems as the "Daventry Model Village" Baesball Cap, the "Towcester Experience" Rubik Cube and the "Rugby World" Cup. Needless to say, I have the full set.
Next: Newport Pagnell.
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Newport Pagnell is an alternative comedian who occasionally appears on Have I Got New For You and 8 out of 10 Cats. He won the Comedy Award at the Edinburgh Fringe in 2003 simply for his funny name, but as this wasnt a stage name he took great umbridge. He then promptly changed it by Deed Poll to the equally stupid Milton Jones.
Next : Braveheart
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'Braveheart' was the nickname of Andy Watson, once described as the first £1 million Conference footballer by JR.
So brave was he, he almost tackled someone once, and in a memorable game at Northwich one night, he waited until almost the very last second before deciding not to try a diving header.
Next: Cheshire Cheese
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"Cheshire Cheese" was the nickname of portly Chester striker Daryl Clare during the conference season of 2002/3.
The nickname stuck after the whole Chester City team were invited to open a local village fete and decided to try their hand at the downhill cheese rolling. Whilst most of the team had come stright from training and wore appropriate footwear, Clare had been injured at the time so was wearing a pair of slip-on loafers. As he started his first cheese roll, he slipped and ended up cartwheeling down the slope still with the cheese grasped in his hands. Such a good roll was it, that the judges awarded him the grand prize despite not strictly adhering to the rules. Some say this was due to the intervention of the then Chester manager Mark Wright offering to "slap the judges about" if Clare didnt win (citation needed).
On the tenth anniversary of the winning roll Clare was invited back to Chester. A video of him now (even more portly) is available here -https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vike8FLV4js
Next : The Britannia Stadium
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Stoke has never been part of England. It's a foreign pIace where the locals say things like 'goin up 'Anley Duck' in a weird accent that nobody in the rest of the country understands. The Stokies national dish is the Oatcake, which is a small piece of cardboard.
In an effort to connect with the rest of the country they named their new stadium Brittania. It failed.
Next: The Potteries
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The Potteries is a 4 piece indie band from Hexthorpe. Much like other bands such as The Corrs, The Osmonds and The Smiths, all the members of the band are relatives called Potter.
Their first single, "Hecky Park Riot" is available on Urban Road Records now.
Next : Balby Road
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Balby Road has just been listed by English Heritage as having Historical Significance.
We locals have long been aware of its natural beauty and the plethora of beautiful historic buildings along its length.
All the buildings are now Grade 2 listed meaning the Council will have to put sash windows in the houses near the White Church, which will now be called Balby
Abbey.
Also the Vine pub and Ashmount club will have to be rebuilt using traditional materials like asbestos.
Next: The Fairway
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Balby Road is the location of the recording studios used frequently by The Potteries. On their latest recording, they paid tribute to the the place by using a photo of the band crossing said road on their promotional material. They weren't using a zebra crossing as another lesser known band did in 1969, but were playing "chicken" in between the sets of red lights between Hexthorpe and Balby.
Indeed, one of the members, keyboard wizard Barry Potter, was photographed crossing the road barefoot. Rumour was, he was barefoot because he was dead. This is actually true, as in this day and age the photo can easily be digitally manipulated.
Next: Rhythm stick
edit - go next with The Fairway as TT says above.
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The Fair Way is a road in Stainforth where members of the wheeled-house community congregate to show off and test new fairground rides. The meeting in October 2012 entered the annals of history as it led to two families both turning up with the same brand new ride, The Annihilator.
To settle the score over who was the rightful exhibitor all members of each family were strapped I to the ride after being fed 30 hot dogs and 10 bottles of coke each, and the ride set to nonstop mode. The person who was last to honk up the contents of their stomach won for their family. After 2 hours and 12 minutes of being vigorously thrown around the title was taken by Barry Collins. However, The Annihilator promptly broke down and was sold for scrap.
Next : Leger Week
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Leger Week is the end of the Financial Year for the International Association of Dyslexic Accountants.
Next: Yorkshire Bank.
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A "Yorkshire Bank" is a particularly obvious rhyming euphamism for what happens to several male supporters after standing too close to the One Call models.
I tried to ring that insurance company once, after seeing their number on the models' outfits, from behind. The call failed repeatedly until I realised I had added an extra 0 in the middle of the number.
Next: Popular Stand
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There have been several instances of stands which have proved popular. A drip stand is useful, a lavatory stand used to be very popular, as was a Trivet which had 3 legs.
By far the most popular stand however was Custer's last stand. This was an ornate mahogany and marble affair that he bought just prior to his final battle.
Next: Big Horn
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Big Horn was the name given to Cape Horn before coastal erosion took place on the Southern most tip of South America
Next Chile
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Voodoo Chile was Jimi Hendrix's longest tune. It went on for so long that he tragically died from dehydration, thirteen days into the guitar mid section of the song at the Isle of Axholme festival in 1970.
He was just 47 years old.
Next: Epworth Bells
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People born within the sound of the Epworth Bells are known as Boggins, only true Boggins are allowed to play the part of Boggins in the Haxey Hood.
Next: Robin Hood
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"Robin Hood" is the name of a precinct in Chicago where the likelihood of being mugged is off the scale.
Next
Farley Jackmaster Funk
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Farley's Jackmaster Funk is a breakfast cereal for babies, aimed at parents who spent most of 1988 spaced out in a field. The name is a homage to a particularly well known Chicago tyre fitter who would play splendid dance tunes as he went about his work.
Next : Daryl Pandy
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Daryl Pandy is Cockney rhyming slang for a 'bitter and shandy' which I probably won't be drinking in Majorca later today when I get there. This means having a week long hiatus In my Amazing Facts contributions.
And missing the Sheff U and Swindon games ffs.
Next: She who must be obeyed
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"She who must be obeyed" is a non-specific term of endearment uttered by male football fans when their significant other issues a decree to embark on any "leisure break" or "holiday" during the period from August through to May which would result in missing matches.
During the period May to August when the football season is closed, the term changes to "the old cow who sanctions the season ticket payment" but refers to the same individual.
Next : The Beautiful Game
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The beautiful Game is one of the handsomest birds on the planet and it is the Palawan Peacock-pheasant. This bird is found in the island of Palawan, Philippines. It is also known as Napoleon Peacock-pheasant. It is a medium-sized bird that grows up to 50 cm long. The tail feathers are decorated with large blue-green ocelli, which may be spread fanlike in courtship displays. The female is smaller than the male and less colorful. It is a threatened species due to ongoing habitat loss, small population size and limited range as well as hunting and capture for trade
Next: The French Revolution
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The French Revolution is a bar in Doncaster's renowned "Silver Street" area. It was set up as a direct competitor to the Vodka Revolution, but due to ongoing supply issues it only sells Kronenbourg 1664 and Pernod.
The highlight of the bar is the Bastille theme, which involves a "storming" at 11.30pm every Friday followed by a rounding up of any "toffs" (possibly punters from Bessacarr or Sprotbrough, but definitely High Melton and Old Cantley) for a simulated visit to Madame Guillotine. The bar closed on 28th August 2015 on the insistence of the Health and Safety Executive after an unfortunate guillotine incident.
Next : Arsenal
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The Arsenal gland is the human body's producer of the hormone, arsenaline. An over-abundance of arsenaline can lead to noxious gas emissions and in serious cases, slimy brown excretions from the nipsy.
Next: Turtle's head.
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Turtle Head is the capo di tutti capi of the Hull mafia.
Next
M62
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The M62 Machinenpistole submachine gun was developed by the Nazis in WWII. The M62 profoundly influenced the British Sten and the US M3.
Next: Drive by
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The McDonald's Drive-by was introduced in areas of Compton and South Central in LA following a spate of shootings in McDonald's Drive-thru lanes. Rather than pay for the food at one window and collect it at another, the Drive-thru involves the customer rolling past the window throwing the money at the McD operative and the food is thrown back from the next window. The car does not have to stop and McDonald's are reporting a 79% increase in profitability.
Next : NWA
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NWA stands for Necrophilia With Animals, David Cameron is an avid participant of the practice, this practice came to prominence during his drug fuelled Uni days
Next: Smackhead
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:facepalm:
Next : Facebook
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Face Buck
An extinct antelope type creature native to Stainforth hunted to extinction for its supposedly magical qualities
Rumour has it that a few survived and can be seen running around in circles chasing a mock hare
Next Carl Alford
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Carl Alford is Doncaster Rovers' record goal scorer, having hit 192 goals in only three seasons with the South Yorkshire club. Lean, toned and very pacy, his prowess secured him a £10m move to Manchester United, where he formed a deadly partnership with a young Wayne Rooney.
Now retired, Alford is currently manager of FC Barcelona, where he has led the club to six successive La Liga titles. He is regarded as one of football's modern greats.
Next: Sliding Doors.
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Sliding Doors was the band first formed by Jim Morrison and Ray Manzarek. The band played psychedelic rock with a country lilt due to a sliding steel guitar played by a young Billy Ray Cyrus. Their work didn't receive critical acclaim, indeed Rolling Stone magazine declared in 1967, "They suck ass"
Billy Ray was subsequently ousted from the band, and the rest is history as the band changed their name to The Doors, later claiming this was a reference to the doors of perception, which is a great big fib. Billy Ray went on to successfully father Hannah Montana.
Next : San Francisco 49ers
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San Francisco 49ers is a club based in San Francisco with membership limited to people aged 49 and in the process of having a mid life crisis.
Next: Cuban Missile Crisis
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The Cuban Missile Crisis was an economic disaster in the early 1960s.
Fidel Castro's lefty changes to the economic system led to a collapse in the supply of missiles. Missile shops literally had bare shelves and people literally queued around the block on rumours that a new supply of missiles was on its way.
The price of missiles naturally went through the roof and the annual Festa de los Missilos, where villages literally fire literal missiles at each other was literally cancelled for the first time since the visit of Pope Gregory the Optical Illusion in 1743.
Socialism eh?
Next: Karl Marx
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Karl Marx is what people from Hull call the black dust stains you get on your clothes following shovelling a ton of coal into your home's bunker.
Next : The Battle of Orgreave
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Orgreave, orgreave, orgreave
It's in bloody Rotherham you know.
Next: Wath on Dearne
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Wath on Dearne is the only place to win European City of culture three times in a row and is thus entitled to keep the cup which can be viewed in the Wetherspoons near the town hall every Thursday afternoon by appointment with the landlord, 80's snooker star The Late Alex Higgins.
Next: Fedora Hat
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Fedora Hat is cockney rhyming slang for cooking fat. The term has been widely used on Eastenders where Ian Beale has been heard to declare "Aw'ight Shawwon, noice t' see ya babe! Nah, pass me that gallon drum of Fedowa an'aal wastel you ap a laaaverly spot of bweakfast". That scene earned Ian a prestigious BAFTA award, which he accepted in his real, posh voice.
Next : Mockneys
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The Mockneys are widely regarded to be the first manufactured "boy band". Formed in California in 1966, their ineup comprised Nev "Knuckles" Armstrong, Mikey Michaels, Tall Jimmy Scruples and him whose mam invented Tipp-Ex.
Next Up: The last train to Clarkesville
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The last train TO Clarkesville was cancelled.
Clarksville was the model town built by Horatio Clark, the Victorian cowhide stripper, shoe maker and philanthropist. He based in on Bourneville, the model village built by Jason Bourne who, whilst suffering from trauma-induced memory loss, forgot he was a spook and believed himself to have been placed on Earth by David Icke to make cheap chocolate for the masses.
Anyway, Horatio Clark used to make sports shoes, but realised one day that the future was in producing snug-fitting, soft-soled waterproof Hush Puppies for menopausal men. When the final sports shoe rolled off the production line, he placed a Golden Ticket inside the box. The purchaser of the sports shoes, a 12 year old called Uriah Klagenfurt from Slovenia won a faintly creepy guided tour round the factory, hosted by Horatio himself.
The final pair of sports shoes are now the chief exhibit in the Ljubjana Museum of Decacdent Western Indulgence, where they are known as the Last Trainers From Clarksville. It is said that the 1990s Balkan War was precipitated by a dream that Slobodan Milosevic had, in which Slaven Bilic told him that if he could posses the Last Trainers, he would be able to get off with the Virgin Mary.
The Last Trainers also inspired an interesting cover version of "I'm a Believer" by Slovenia quasi-fascist techno goth beat combo, Laibach.
Next: The Austro-Hungarian Empire
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The Austro-Hungarian Empire is a working men's club founded in 1955 by immigrant mill workers in Oswaldwhistle. Old time sequence dancing on Mondays, Bingo Tuesdays and Thursdays, Darts and Dominoes on Wednesdays, Turn on in the Concert room Friday and Saturday nights and Soapy titw**ks in the bogs on a Sunday lunchtime from Slapper Sheila. £8 a pop.
Last nights winning numbers on your mini tote 3 and 42
Buy your tickets now for the meat raffle.
Next Up: Sam Smith's Taddy Lager
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Sam Smith's Taddy Lager is a homebrew created from tadpoles marinated in vodka by modern "soul voice" Sam Smith. Smith swears drinking the concoction is what gives his voice it's deep lustre and smoothness. It is also incredibly alcoholic and Smith these days cannot perform more than three songs before declaring "Yer me best mate, you" at whomever is standing closest to him, followed by peeing up a radiator in the mistaken belief it was a urinal
Next : thermostatic valves
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Thermostatic valves are the newest in replacement heart valves replacing porcine ones which used to squeal during times of high stress. The problem is that they pump too much blood in hot weather and in cold weather they slow it down like molasses. The manufacturer says it's all hog wash.
Next: Achy Breaky Heart
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Achy Breaky Heart is the signature dish of the Doncaster eatery - The Four Seasons Restaurant on Printing Office Street. It's key ingredients are lambs heart, beef heart and two scotch eggs. It is apparently Dick Watsons favourite, he always pops in for one before each home game.
Next: Tapatalk
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Tapatalk is a premium rate phone line for bored house wives inspired by 1970's porn featuring moustachioed plumbers in compromising situations with publicly hirsute ladies of dubious morals. 89p per minute cheap rate, £1.35 per minute at all other times. Calls terminate in Nicaragua.
Next: Ron Jeremy
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Ron Jeremy (pronounced: Ron Heremee) is a white rum made in Guatemala from the oak-aged, then fermented semen of portly, mulleted porn stars.
It tastes foul. So I'm told.
Next: Advocaat.
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Advocaat. Commonly mistaken for a nasty, sticky yellow, slime that pretends to be drinkable, but, in reality, Top Cat's brother, Advo, now relegated by his alleged 'owners' Hannah and Barbara to acting as feline manager of a very poor excuse for a football club.
Next: A Stadium of Light
BobG
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A Stadium of Light-Is where all football fans who are on the verge of passing away, whichever team their allegiance is to, meet up one final time before passing to the afterlife.
The game is not finished until each fan get's a rewind of all the football moments they have seen or suffered through, and also their favourite person long passed away that used to go to football with them, they can sit and eat burgers and put no weight on, you can pick your favourite shirt and programme to take on your journey.
Before that you get to pick your best eleven, you can actually see Syd Bycroft in the same team as Coppinger or any other player that is still playing.
The angels that take you when it's all done, are representatives of ''Club's passed'' into the realms of time, who went out of business.
They show you the proper way to navigate the ladder and tunnel you have to negotiate, and offer no opinions on your team, and constantly have a sad face, much like a Barnsley fan.
NEXT. Steve Evans
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Contrary to popular beliefs, the reason why Steve Evans is hated in Boston is nothing to do with any financial shenanigans whilst he was manager there. It is more to do with their local rivalry with Skegness - think Doncaster/Scunthorpe, only flatter - where Evans' grandfather famously posed for that railway poster promoting Skegness.
This one:
(https://c2.staticflickr.com/4/3014/2865690327_5e8072e2d8.jpg)
Next: Willy Wonka
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Willy Wonka is the owner of Wonka, the payday loan shark who from time to time sponsor Newcastle United. Willy started out lending lunch money to striking miners' kids in Barnsley in the early 80s at 1000% interest per day, and has elevated his rates ever since then.
A current £5 loan with Wonka requires the total GDP of Nicaragua to be paid back after a week.
Next : Barnsley
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Barnsley is a scientific area especially created to study Neanderthall Man after a male and female were discovered in the Oakwell area of Barnsley. The whole area was evacuted of any species that had anything remotely resembling a brain. The Male and Female were then left to live in their natural habitat, scientist and anthropologists from all over the world come to see these life forms in their natural environment. This pair have been so succesful that they have reproduced numerous times and now the population is over 85k, all related to each other!
Next: Oakwell
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"K'well" is a Barnsley term meaning "b*llocks! Losing to Doncaster again!"
During Rovers v Tykes games "Oh, k'well" can be heard being muttered throughout the Barnsley faithful.
Next : Stairfoot Roundabout
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Stairfoot Roundabout was a psychedelic stop-motion animation show in the 1970's which featured the adventures of a kestrel with nine eyes, a pink Shetland Pony and a wizened old man who communicated by using the pseudo-word "Thanuz" in a variety of inflections whilst pointing to things with a wooden spoon.
Next: Trumpton
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Trumpton was the original ground of football club Dial Square FC in 1886. The club was soon after renamed as (Woolwich) Arsenal, as a joke. The club's founding chairman, Sir Herbert Fudgecake QC, thought it would be hilarious to marry the slightly risque name of the ground with a slightly risque name for the club. Schoolboys in the Woolwich area would snigger uncontrollably at the thought.
Next : Half Man Half Biscuit
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Dukla Prague became the richest club in the World when sales of their away kit rocketed to 10 million per year following Half Man Half Biscuit's massive hit.
Sadly Nerys Hughes and Len Ganley weren't so lucky. She had to leave the country following death threats and he was made to retire after the Crucible crowd continually aped the way he stood, disrupting play.
Next: The b*****d sons of Val Doonican
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Dukla Prague became the richest club in the World when sales of their away kit rocketed to 10 million per year following Half Man Half Biscuit's massive hit.
Sadly Nerys Hughes and Len Ganley weren't so lucky. She had to leave the country following death threats and he was made to retire after the Crucible crowd continually aped the way he stood, disrupting play.
Next: The b*****d sons of Val Doonican
The bas**rd sons of Val Doonican, was a ruthless gang of bank robbers, famed for carrying out their bank jobs whilst wearing Christmas jumpers knitted by their granny. The gang were eventually caught buying unusual ammounts of wool from the wool shop for their grannies.
Next: Alias Smith and Jones
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Just been reading the efforts from you lot while I've been away and chortling my chops off. Some brilliant stuff in there. :lol: :lol:
Also looked at the Sheffield United lowlights and noted that on the doctored commentary the many dreadful mistakes are made by several different players all called Smith or Jones.
Next: The Bottom Three
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The Bottom Three - a very fine sight indeed.
Next: The Upper Crust
BobG
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The Upper Crust Bob G was the moniker given to Bob Gilfillan when he played for the Rovers in the 60's
Bob would turn up for games at Belle Vue in a dinner jacket. He'd put on his patent leather boots, slick down his brylcreamed hair and saunter on to the pitch smoking a cheroot encased in a mother of pearl, foot long cigarette holder. During the game he'd say things like 'Pass me the ball old thing' and 'Oh my what a spiffing shot, What' as Pancho Regan smashed one in the net.
Always the fans favourite, Bob would leave the pitch with elaborate bows to the four corners before taking a bath of asses milk with a bottle of champers on the side.
Next: Moet and Chandon
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Moet and Chandon: that bloody pop my ex used to glug every damn time she could get her hands in my wallet! Hated the stuff ever since.
Next: John Smiths
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John Smith's-''The stuff of champions, well champion wanna be's like Leeds united''!.
It is said that behind every Leeds fans brainless antics, there is a baby bottle stained with stuff from their first birthday celebrations.
The Young of Leeds are not brought up on an arrowroot and a bottle of milk. ''They are brought up proper''
If they can't knock a pint back by the age of one, Leeds favvers are known to take take the youngster to the nearest Barnado's, as it's seen that ''The bairn will never amount to owt in life''!.
If he or she makes it through this stage, then the next stages, are ''Bullying younger kids than yourself'', and ''Bin kicking'', they work on these themes for many years.
When they reach the age of growing up, round about seven they can be observed propping the bar up of the local miners welfare club, grunting and pointing to a picture of a pint for another one.
Leeds kids aren't rushed in learning to read and write, they have an ''Alternative education'', where physical prowess at beating your cousin up, or being able to sink twenty four pints by the age of ten is seen as advanced.
By the ages of twenty five to thirty, they start picking bits of reading up, anybody who can read the Beano cover to cover is seen as akin to Stephen Hawking.
The worst educated of the Leeds fans are the Doncaster White's, who are a neanderthal group, who bang knuckles to communicate.
Doncaster's excellent education system leaves them feeling ''Lower than a snakes ab muscles'', this in turn leads to them repeating the mistakes of their fathers, or at least the one who's name is on the bitrth certificate!.
They try to Bully their way through the school system, as they are usually the bigger kids, because they have had John Smith's on the teat, since they first saw the matron trying to push them back in.
They usually end up with a nickname that doesn't make sense 'Putty', something like that!.
And when they leave school their bullying ways catch up with them, and they have to quieten down, otherwise they will lose the quarter of a brain cell that John Smith's provided!.
Into their dotage, The one's that can read, read all about Don Revie's European champions that should have been, they regret not going to live among their fellow fans in Leeds, but then reflect after a few months, they enjoyed those few years of being the biggest kid in school!.
The Doncaster White's over many years try to think about why they don't support their local team,
''But their memory wanders over the price of a stamp
''Do the two pee's in their pocket add upto enough for another pint''!, so in the end they enter the grave no wiser than when they came flying out of the black hole they are going back into!
NEXT Mad mick
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Mad Mick was a wind up merchant with enough comedy genius to take on the Viking chat clique, or VCC as it is secretly known.
Few people clicked onto his 'over the head fishing technique', resulting in many folk falling for his form of master bating.
Next; Whoosh!
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Whoosh! were a pop sensation in the 80's.
with songs such as 'Bake me pup before you go Joe', Careless Lispers and 'Last Christmas got drunk as a fart' they dominated the charts before the genius that was Michael George went solo leaving Andrew Ridgeback penniless.
George ended up a sad and lonely figure, constantly in the Sunday Papers due to his string of affairs with a succesion of supermodels and an addiction to Trebor strong mints.
Next: Polo
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Polo is the answer you give when you are swimming and someone yells Marco!
Comes from the explorer who had a crew who did not bathe, so they would throw a sailor into the sea, who would then yell to Marco to fish him out. Polo would then put a pole into the sea which had a handle at the end for the clean bather to grab onto.
It was the beginning of water polo as we know it today.
Next: synchronised swimming
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When synchronised swimming first caught on two boys enrolled named ian Thorpe and Tom Daley , but they were quickly shown the back door has they misread the advert. Tom later explained he had something in his eye and thought it read Synchronised Rimming.
Next..... Lady Gardens.
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Lady Gardens cost only tuppence are good for box hedges and are a good place to keep your pussy in or just for fannying about.
Next: Bush telegraph.
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Bush Telegraph was slang for the personal columns in local newspapers, particularly for women making themselves available.
Next: Asymmetric flaps
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Asymmetric flaps are what a bird with a twitch does.
Next : Twitch TV
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Twitch TV is the self help group for transvestites that suffer from tics, stammering or tourettes syndrome.
To date there are 3 members.
Next: The King's Speech
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The King's Peach was Elvis's favourite dessert. It comprised a peach (natch) stuffed with Mars Bars, smeared in honey, deep fried and served on a bed of cheeseburgers and barbiturates.
Next: Wear my Ring Around Your Neck.
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Wear my ring around your neck is one position that didn't get into The Kama Sutra.
Next: Missionaries
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Missionaries are what groupies of the Goth-rock band "The Mission" are called. Wayne Hussey certainly lived up to his name with them.
Next : Wayne's World
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Waynes world is a syndrome that effects peoples thoughts, it can make you think you are something you are not.
Paul Dickov has this condtion due to thoughts of being a football manager.
Next.... Clinker dust/ trump cloud.
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Bottom Burp was a Champion racehorse in Australia. He won the Melbourne Cup 7 times in the 1930's.
A product of the Clinker Dust/Trump Cloud coupling, both great horses themselves, he was bred to be great and so it proved.
When he went to stud Bottom Burp produced several good horses himself, including Phart Lap who was later immortalised in a successful film.
Next: Golden Horn.
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Is not a bridge crossing the Hellespont.
Next: Turkish Delights
BobG
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Turkish Delight is a sweet delicacy. For many years it was believed that the recipe was thousands of years old, originating in the Ottoman Empire, and has been passed down through generations, but it has recently been found that it is actually just cubes of Chivers Jelly rolled in icing sugar.
Next : Silver Spoon
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The silver spoon is the prize a club receives for finishing second in league 1. The champions get a trophy as do the play off winners. The unpresented "prize" for finishing last is called traditionally the Wooden Spoon, so this was resurrected in this case, using silver to represent second place.
Next: uphill gardening
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Stephen Fry the well known purveyor of uphill gardening has allegedly left his new husband and run off with Tarkan from Istanbul.
Stephen calls him his Fry's Turkish Delight.
Next: Chocolate Cream.
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Shudder the thought ,yuk. Chocolate cream is a mixed concoction that arises during battyboy fornication, in ladies its quite acceptable in my mind and is called cream pie.
Next wiffy barnsley kipper.
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When discovering a wiffy barnsley kipper, the above referenced chocolate cream pie becomes much more of a viable alternative.
Next: sexual innuendo..
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Oooh, titter ye not!
Next : Frankie Goes To Hollywood
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"Frankie Goes to Hollywood" is a euphamistic phrase that is uttered to notify folks nearby that someone has let go a hefty and voluminous, but silent, fart.
Next: The bee's knees.
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This is an announcement by the moderators of the Amazing Fact Chain Letter...
We have become increasingly concerned that our esteemed thread, which we have always considered to be the bees-knees has descended into a cesspit of toilet humour and sexual innuendo.
Yesterday we had to remove the phrase 'Soapy Tit w**k' from T.Toes's post involving Tourettes Syndrome. And just what is amusing about flatulence? Have you ever laughed when someone has let rip?
We know we haven't.
No-one likes a good laugh more than we do.
We often watch reruns of Last of the Summer Wine or the new series of Open All Hours.
Did we win two World Wars so that our children and grandchildren could come up with the type of puerile filth we have seen on here of late. We think not.
Did Churchill mention cream pies in any of his speeches? No!
We have made our point so clean it up please gentlemen.
Next: Portnoy's Complaint.
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Ive no complaints about knocking one out with tool in one hand and a lump of warm liver int other.
Miles cheaper than dating or even cheaper if you refrigerate after each use.
next funbags
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Fun Bags was the youthful nickname of the late and much missed "Shouty Bags" Mrs. Robinson back in the 1940's as she tripped the light fandango with many a convalescing serviceman in Donny's art deco Co-op ballroom.
Next: Come Dancing
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Come dancing is a youthful jig where boys form a line at a dance venue and race to strangle the ferret, first one to hit the vinegar stroke and fires is the winner.
Next Dingles Teeth.
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Dingles teeth are whiter than white, which is not something we can say about recent contributions to this topic.
Next: Daz White.
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Daz White is the brother of former Rovers' player Winston White. Whilst Winston got the football gene, Daz became a builder. However, he constantly over estimated the required height of front doorsteps when laying foundations for new-build houses, which meant that the new owners would require a small rope ladder to enter their new homes. This became known in building circles as "Daz's Doorstep Challenge".
Next : Shane Ritchie
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Shane Ritchie, Is the lovechild of former Barnsley manager Andy Ritchie and Dame Edna Everidge, he was conceived on a coal sack on a hill far far away in Barnsley.
The drippings of which led to a forest of trees that were bald with no leaves, and mushrooms that haunted the forest with an australian ''Hello my darlings''!.
In case you are wondering Shane's thatch came from the Everidge side of the tree!.
NEXT Lee Clark
-
Leek Lark was an initiation ceremony for 14 year old lads on their first days down the pit in the Rhondda.
You do NOT want to know...
Next: Jones the Steam.
-
"Jones the Steam" will be the nickname of our new assistant manager, who's main responsibility will be ironing the kits, and making post-match celebratory cups of tea for new director of football Sean O'Dismal.
Next: Popping candy
-
Andy C Popping was a WW1 soldier, famous for being the first man to reach enemy trenches during the Battle of the Somme. Due to all his brave squad members being killed during the "over the top" command, it wasnt realised that he had actually reached the German-held territory until some years later when his official ID was found in the dried mud. It read Popping, C. Andy.
Next : Hubba Bubba
-
Hubba Bubba was the original name for the police informer in the TV cop series Starskey and Hutch, the producers later renamed him Huggy Bear
Next: David Soul
-
David's 'Ole has never been quite the same since he jumped onto the roof of that car in the opening credits.
Next: Duncan McKenzie.
-
McKenzies were small circular treats originating from Glasgow. They were deep fried and rolled in sugar.
When the Scots decided to go to America they found that the McKenzie name was already taken, so decided to call their sweet treats "Donuts". The Americans really took to the Scottish delicacy, and opened up a chain of upmarket donut stalls called "Duncan Donuts", but Scottish ex-pats still refer to the chain as "Duncan McKenzie"
Next : Cockles
-
Cock Les was the partner of Fat Les.
Yes! (S)he of "Vindaloo" fame.
Cock Les of course was a Phal man.
Next: Na-na-nahhhhh! Na-na-nahhhhh! Na-na-nahhhhh na-na-nahhhhh na-naaaaahhhhh!
-
Na-na-nahhhhh! Na-na-nahhhhh! Na-na-nahhhhh na-na-nahhhhh na-naaaaahhhhh! Is what you call out in an Indian restaurant when you require an additional naan bringing to the table.
Next : "You got to hold and give and do it at the right time"
-
It's a little-known fact that Sean O'Driscoll made it to the final show in the 1990 England World Cup Idol show.
His final song went.
"You got to hold and give but you must learn this lesson
"You can be slow or slower, but you must keep possession.
"Then hit the ball and hurl it. Right there down the wing.
"And don't look at league tables. They don't mean a thing."
He was front runner to win the final, until the fatal moment when he sniffed violently and The Daily Mail ran a devastating piece about him preferring players called Charlie.
The eventual 1990 WC song is but a pale shadow of what might have been, with the line "there's only one way to beat them, get round the back!" not only being a cheap Carry On era bit of double entendre, but also being tactically very naive. O'Driscoll made it his career objective to prove that you didn't actually have to "get round the back" at all. Ever. Once.
Next: W-M Formation
-
The W-M Formation was invented by Willie McKay. It can only be populated by Frenchmen with a penchant for doing the bare minimum to earn their exorbitant salary. A Gallic shrug to justify the lack of effort is mandatory.
Next : The Eiffel Tower
-
The Eiffel Tower was part of the first phase in the regeneration of Paris.
Run down and dilapidated the city was bereft of tourists.
The next phase involved knocking down the Champs Elysses and building the 'Strand de Plaisir' complete with roller coasters, waltzers and a hall of mirrors.
Tons of sand were placed by the Seine and wind machines installed so it was always blowing a gale.
Didn't want tourists on the beach too long when the punters could be in the Louvre which was now full of slot machines and bingo.
Next: Blackpool Rock.
-
Blackpool Rock was a man made island built just off fleetwood called Black a traz for young offenders.
It was designed by eartha kit and contructed by top trades people such as, Rollin Stone, Bam Bam Barney Rubble and the Bolder Brothers to name a few. Blackpool Tower was used as a sentry post just incase any prisoner had grand illusions of swimming to escape.
Next JAWS.
-
In the 1980's the US had two simulation models they used to support exercises in Europe. They were called AWSIM (Air Warfare Simulation - pronounced Awesome) and GRWSIM (Ground warfare Simulation - pronounced Gruesome). NATO took them, integrated the models to make a Joint Simulation model - Joint Alliance Warfare Simulation - called JAWS
I didn't even have to make much of that up.................
Next - Maastricht
-
Maastricht. A town with a very fine squash club, an even finer Indonesian restaurant, a football club with an intriguing name, and a f***ing awful legacy of a nasty, brutish and excessively loud and shrill woman being spotted there in the early 1980's.
Next: first up against the wall.
BobG
-
First up against the wall...Bob G.
No I'd practice on a few others first to make sure I'd got me eye in!
(only joking Bob)
Next: Winchester
-
Ha ha ha!!!!!!
Cracking Tommy!
I'm not following up with the Winchester repsonse so carry on chaps. All I can think of right now is that Winchester Catherdral is actually floating on a mediaeval bog. (And no chortles please!) A bloke, who's name escapes me right now, spent the better part of his working life in one of them old fashioned diving suits going underneath the bloody place dragging bags of cement with him to prop the place up. True story that.
Bobg
-
There was a fellow named Chester who lived in the 1800's and he was a very optimistic but unlucky fellow who loved to gamble! Every week he would place a large bet of his entire weekly wages on the local horse races through his bookie. Every week he would lose all his money, and it soon became a running joke that Chester never won. Finally, finally Chester started winning his weekly races, but only after all his pals would chant over and over: Win Chester! Win Chester! Win Chester! And Chester finally did start to win and then kept on winning and winning, and winning! Finally the bookie started to get a little fed up that Chester kept winning and winning, so he chased Chester out of the county and used a rifle to back up his threats, which is how the Winchester rifle got its name!
Next: Frank Turner
-
When the Plant Works opened in 1865 the Turning Shop was populated by workers so undervalued the managers called them all Turner. There was Angry Turner, Lazy Turner, Dirty Turner etc. The direct and sincere one was called Frank Turner.
Next: The Flying Scotsman
-
Wee Jockie McDingleberry was a pioneer aviator. Prior to the first world war he got his hands on an aircraft and taught himself to fly.
Ahead of his time, he wanted to set up a mail run between Edinburgh and London, competing with the trains, particularly those running down the east coast mainline.
However, his idea didn't take off (sorry!) as the aircraft was not capable of carrying much weight and wasn't any quicker in those days, than the train.
The train journey, and subsequently the famous LNER engine, were named "Flying Scotsman" in an ironic tribute to their failed competitor.
Next: Taking one for the team
-
"Taking one for the team" is an abstraction of "Taking Juan for the team", which originated in 1928. Following the end of the first world war, a group of Spaniards relocated to South Yorkshire, just as the Doncaster and District Junior Sunday Football League (sponsored by the Doncaster Free Press) was formed. Pedro Fethethe wanted to take his son to training one saturday morning, but had been called into work at short notice. His neighbour took young Juan with him and his son, hence the saying was born.
Next : The Fast Show
-
The Fast Show is a magazine style TV programme (think the One Show) broadcast in Arab countries during Ramadan.
It is broadcast after sunset so that food and drink can be included, and it is very popular.
Next: Oooh Matron!
-
Quentin Tarantino likes to play with a mixture of genres in his films.
At the end of Reservoir Dogs as Harvey Keitel is gunned down the camera closes in on his face and his last words were 'Oooh Matron' in the style of Kenneth Williams.
Tarantino only decided to cut it after threats of legal action from Barbara Windsor.
Next: Carry on Camping.
-
Camper than a row of tents Kenneth Williams may have minced more had Bernard Manning thrust his moobs out. However the sight of Babs baps had Terry Thomas been there would have simply been, DING DONG!!!.
Cad and a bounder.
-
Andrew Caddick was just starting his run up on the last day of the 4th test against Australia at Lords in 1993 when he thought heard Phil Tufnell, who was fielding at mid-off call him a cad and a bounder.
So he went up to Tufnell to have it out with him. 'No.I said Cad do a bouncer' said a rattled Tuffers.
Next: Silly Point
-
1980-summat. Rovers 4-1 up at home to 10- man Brentford with 20 mins to go. Contrived to draw 4-4. Daftest point ever.
Next: Dean Greygoose.
-
College Dean Greygoose was the bloke in charge of Barnsley College until 2012, when it was discovered that the college was in fact just a front for an expensive French Vodka brand. What a cad and bounder.
Next : Tequila Slammers
-
There are loads of mad, bad and dangerous prisons in Mexico but the Tequila Slammers
are the worst of the lot.
Next Porridge.
-
Next Porridge is a slang term for sticky deposits left in the changing rooms of the famous clothing chain. by amorous couples.
Next : Lawrence Llewelyn Bowen
-
lawrence Llewelyn Bowen isnt as green as you think when it comes to changing rooms, his ideas are off the cuff.
His passion extends to William Morris, Bowens mrs has big bangers.
Next Morris Minor
-
Son to Morris Major. Father of Morris Tertius.
Next: dead languages
Bobg
-
Judging by some of the frankly indecipherable shite posted on this very forum by Acko & co., English is a dead language.
Next: Grammar Nazis
-
A very respectable and neccesary profession!
Next: wind up merchants
BobG
-
Back in the halcyon days of the British Empire when the East India Company were shipping tea and nutmeg half way round the world so the landed gentry could show off to their dinner guests, the clippers used for transporting such luxuries were also known as "merchants".
It happened upon a chilly October evening in 1879, Lord Richardson of the East Riding received a knock at his door. Having dispatched his manservant, Weaver for the evening, he appeared in person, shotgun hanging casually over the arm of his smoking jacket.
On the doorstep was a spiv by the name of Horace Jenkins, brother of erstwhile Doncastrian association football enthusiast, Albert.
Horace was flogging what he claimed to be premium imported nutmegs a full two days before the ships were due to land at Hull docks. His explanation for being early with the goods was that there had been favourable trade winds. "Wind up' merchants, your Lordship".
Lord Richardson, eager to corner the market bought the lot. It wasn't until Jenkins had slipped away into the night that Richardson realised he'd paid top money for a load of fake nutmegs made out of wood which he promptly threw on the fire.
The Richardsons held a grudge against the Jenkins family and vowed to ruin Albert's football club one day.
Next: Prince Moncrieff
-
Prince Moncrieff was the brother of famouse horse racing tipster Prince Monolulu
Next: ITV 7
-
ITV7 is the 7th anniversary of the international Tourettes venue which is held in Cudworth s.yorks annually.
Here locals gather together namely father daughter etc to shout unpleasant things such as f**k my bum.
next parkinson
-
Parkinson's Disease is a very debilitating condition that afflicts people from Barnsley into believing they are able to host TV chat shows. It also acts as an attractant for large birds like Emus.
Next : Rod Hull
-
Rod Hull, is a famous old business from the city of Kingston Upon Hull who specialise in Drainage and Sewer cleaning services. They are well known for their Radio advertising and their jingle "If your drains are full then call Rod Hull.
Next: Keith Harris
-
Keith Harris is the less famous brother of Richard, Calvin and Rolf. He served 12 months in HMP Hull after turning up on Britain's got Talent with his hand inserted in a duck. Incidentally, David Walliams gave him a yes through to the next round.
Next : Plum Sauce.
-
Plum sauce is a euphamism for, well, I needn't explain, needn't I?
Next: Period Drama
-
Period drama. A common get out of jail card for any woman on the planet for around 30 years of their life.
Next: The Chuckle Brothers
-
The Chuckle Brothers exist solely to remind the rest of the world that it is perfectly OK to laugh at Rotherham, despite not being particularly funny themsleves.
Next: Independence Day
-
Independence day is when a man finally wakes up and leaves his chain and ball women for good.
He rents his man cave and spends his hard earned on beer, loose pussy and Rovers.
Boys holidays to ibiza are back on the agenda.
Next... The Good life.
-
The Good Life was TV's first sitcom about swinging. It concerned two couples who lived next door to each other and we're constantly nipping over the fence for steamy sessions with the other's spouse.
It only lasted for two episodes as Richard Briers couldn't summon up any passion for Penelope Keith, no matter how hard he tried.
Next: Ever Decreasing Circles
-
"Ever decreasing circles" accurately describes the reach of Paul Dickov's so called "contacts" within football.
Next: where there's muck
-
'Where There's Muck' was Ken Loach's follow up to Kes.
Set in and around Brodsworth pit, it starred Duggie Brown who combined face working with embroidery and followed his making of the Brodsworth Tapestry and his battle with Under Manager Oldroyd, played by Brian Glover, who regularly caught Duggie sewing instead of hewing.
A disaster at the box office, Duggie never acted again and was soon back doing a turn at Skellow Grange.
Next: How green was my valley
-
How Green was my valley,
A government sponsored campaign against STDs, no lady wants a green valley and the government of John Major was determined to limit the spread of this contagious fungal infection.
Next: Ken Dodd.
-
Kendo Odd was the stranger alter ego of Kendo Nagasaki.
When the market for wrestling with Diddy Men down a Jam Butty mine, whilst wearing a grotesque mask dried up, he reinvented himself once again as a no-holds-barred wrestler with a unique way of getting out of apparently impossible holds, Kendo Nackersucker.
Next: Satsumas and Poppers.
-
Satsumas and Poppers were all that MPs of a certain persuasion needed in order to party on Hampstead Heath.
Next: Lazy teenagers
-
The Lazy Teenager was a small lift used in gentrified houses for transporting meals up to the dining room from the kitchen. Unlike the similar Lazy Susan, which could be operated 24 hours a day, the Lazy Teenager would only rise after 1pm each day.
Next : Susan Boyle
-
Susan Boyle is the worlds greatest soprano voice, regularly appearing at La Scala, Milano.
Next: Luciano Pavarotti
-
Pavarotti along with Colin 'fingers' Henry and David Copperfield were a musical comedy act that toured locally. They charged 30 quid a turn so called themselves The Three Tenners.
Next: Lenny Henry
-
Lenny Henry is the lesser known brother of former Arsenal striker Thierry. Sometimes found talking to himself in hotel beds across the nation.
Next: fingerless gloves
-
Grimethorpe Police have seen a drastic fall in crime, washing lines, coal houses and pet Kestrels are all safe now.
These culprits are safely behind bars now, this is due to a large family all sharing fingerless gloves, not realising the difference said a constable.
Next Old Bill
-
The Old Bill is also known as Saturday Santa.
Next : Darren Ferguson
-
Darren Ferguson is the great grandchild of Massey Ferguson the Tractor makers.
Now Massey was a Sheffield Wednesday supporter who used to donate a couple of assorted shades of blue paint to tart it up each decade.
In return the club used to return the favour everytime Massey brought out a new prototype Tractor.
They allowed him to try it out on the swillsboro pitch which was ideal due to its heavy water and shyte contents its held for many a year, so it was a win win situation for both partys .
Next Mud pies
-
Mud Pies were launched in the mid-70's when the popular drainpipe-wearing pop beat combo decided to branch out into branded foodstuffs. Each top 10 single release was greeted with a new flavour of pie, hand chosen by frontman Les Gray. The decision to make a pie to mark the release of their single "Tiger Feet" which contained real tiger feet was roundly criticised and led to a number of boycotts of the band's concerts, and within a year of losing the support of their fans over an ill-advised pie filling choice, the band decided to split up. Les later went to work for the R&D department of Walkers Crisps, and was responsible for the introduction of Hedgehog and Baked Cheese flavours being introduced.
Next : Swap Shop
-
Swap Shop is a new strategy by Doncaster Council to regenerate the Town Centre.
Every night retailers will swop shops with each other to freshen things up and give shoppers a new perspective on this beautiful town.
The Manager of Boots commented 'This is a bloody ridiculous idea that will bankrupt us all and on the first night we've got to swop with the Newsagent on Copley Road for God's sake.'
Mayor Rob Jones, who's idea this was countered 'Typical. This is not about Rob Jones, it's about my town here in Doncaster.'
Next: Rob TheRover
-
I'm dreading this....
-
Rob the Rover was the cry heard around old BV when competing teams came into town and wanted to grab a victory and steal some points off Drfc. They have kept trying over the years, but due to our determination and grit have finally given up!
Next: bound for glory
-
Bound For Glory is a 1979 film starring Michael Caine, Pele, Sylvester Stallone and Ossie Ardilles. The plot of the story involves a group of men forced to work in a female-run S&M den who have to win a football match against their cruel captors to secure their freedom. The film bombed at the box office, but Caine rather cannily bought the rights to the concept and remade it in 1981 as Escape To Victory, replacing the ladies running the S&M den with Nazis.
Next : The Boys from Brazil
-
The alleged preference of a moustachioed erstwhile Labour Spin Doctor.
Next: Theme for Great Cities
-
Theme for Great Cities is an old LP. None of the songs on it were themes for Cities, great or not.
Some songs that were themes for Great Cities were:
Wish you were here, which was an homage to Bradford.
Ougadougou..push pineapple up a tree.
Say it ain't Sofia.
Brasilia in Pocket.
and
Ottawa of Strength.
Next: The Young Pretender
-
According to Sellar and Yeatman (1066 and all that) Lambert Simnel and Perkin Warbeck became so confused as to who was the Old Pretender and who was the Young Pretender that they had to ask Chrissie Hynde to decide
Next: The Millennium Bug
-
The Millennium bug was a pretty nasty case of the ten bob bits suffered by Mark Hammill, Carrie Fisher and Anthony Daniels which led to a very unfortunate incident in which R2D2 was mistaken for a chod bin. Kenny Baker got a close look at Hammill's brown death star and received a face full of partially digested shepherd's pie. Foul play was suspected with David Prowse being the prime candidate due to the grudge he held after learning that his lines would be dubbed.
Next: The Force
-
The Force is a mystical power wielded by Jedi knights to control animate or inanimate objects. Darren Ferguson is a fully fledged Jedi Knight, and his first task involves using the force to try to get referees to make the right decision in Rovers games. Sadly, even The Force has its limits.
Next : The Phantom Menace
-
The Rolls Royce Silver Phantom was an expensive flop due to a chassis problem. As soon as the car reached 50mph it used to shake uncontrollably and snake all over the road. No matter how hard the RR mechanics tried they couldn't fix it and dubbed the chassis the Phantom menace.
Phantoms can now be bought on ebay for £200.
Next: Shake Rattle and Roll.
-
When Simon Rattle was asked to conduct an orchestra in Saudi Arabia it was reckoned that the locals would not connect with his western persona. He was asked to adopt the clothing and demeanour of a local dignitary to encourage local respect - he was asked to play a Sheikh Rattle role.
Next: Dubai
-
The people of Dubai don't like the Flintstones, but the people of Abu Dhabi do.
Next; Alcohol
-
Alcohol is an optional bodily fluid that when mixed correctly with blood in the blood steam solves all problems and provides ideas that put all the world's problems to rights.........Temporarily.
Next; Forum fools.
-
Me and my Harem.
Next: Obsessives
-
Obsessives are people who obsess over sieves.
Next : The Wooden Spoon
-
The many variants of wooden spoon tree grow wild in most temperate countries of the world. The wooden spoon harvest takes place from late August to early October with prices fluctuating by size, quality, colour and shape. Basic ten inch value wooden spoons are grown in huge quantities on plantations in Poland and shipped around the world. The wooden spoon trees of Wales are much less prolific but are known to produce some of the most ornate examples of the fruit.
Next: Combine Harvesters
-
The footballers Harvey Cunningham and Jack Lester were part of a secret FA experiment in 2014 to perfect teleportation. The idea was to allow players to travel quickly and efficiently to and from games without any ill effects , such as jet lag.
Sadly, no one at the FA had seen the film "The Fly", and so the two players entered the teleportation cubicle together. What came out the other end became known as the Combined Harvester.
Next : David Cronenberg
-
David Cronenburg is the pioneer of the 'body horror' genre of film making.
He got the idea after seeing me and the missus in our swimsuits while on holiday in Cleethorpes a few years ago.
Next: Fantasy Island.
-
Fantasy Island is in the Campari Islands group in the Mediterranean. Its neighbours are Pleasure Island, Treasure Island, The Island of Lost Souls and of course, Novelty Island which is where Graham Lister goes to take time away from being an ombudsman.
Next: Lard.
-
Lard is the pet name that Steve Evans wife uses when they become intimate
Next: WACCOE
-
The Waccoe Kid is a part in the Mel Brooks movie Blazing Saddles - played brilliantly by Gene Wilder, he is the most delusional unhinged person on the whole planet, constantly looking back on fictional perceived achievements.
Next: Belle Vue
P.S. Brilliant thread
-
Waccoe is what Jonathan Ross calls veteran American actress Mrs Welch.
-
Bell view is something steve Evans has never seen for a long long time, he needs a years crash diet before he sees this. Every leak he takes wets his hands.
Next Baggy Trousers
-
In Nick Park's 'The Wrong Trousers' Wallace was seen wearing automated electronic trousers, aka e-trousers. The original cartoon pictures of Wallace's trousers became very popular and were sold on e-bay where the highest bidder could bag e-trousers. Of course others thought this was just Madness.
Next: Gay Meadow
-
Not a reply, a true story. A friend of ours has a daughter called Meadow who's a lesbian.
I call her Shrewsbury.
Carry on with Gay Meadow.
ps it is a great thread Dutch some brilliant contributions by all!
-
Down in Gay Meadow the grass certainly isnt as green as you think [so im told]
Infact i hear its rather dark, boggy brown and sticky.
Male hairdresserswho own pink poodles would probably venture down there.
Next The Naked civil servant
-
The Naked Civil Servant was a book written to show some balance in the Civil Service.
The original book was entitled The Naked Uncivil Servant, which was the biography of a Job Centre worker at a nudist colony who went around with bare faced cheek, swearing at and insulting his fellow nudists.
Next : Smith's Crisps
-
Nobody likes Smith's Crisps eh?
OK
Next: San Quentin.
-
San Quentin is a state of mind because of San Miguel.
Next: Sam Smiths.
-
Sam Smiths gives you the trots.
True dat.
Next Red Eye
-
Red eye is what Billy Bremner famously said when he was asked what colour shorts the rovers should wear in the 1981/82 season.
Next : Steve Lister
-
b*llocks. I just did a top quality repsonse to Billy's 'Theme for Imaginary Cities' - and then found you sods have put a whole page of extra responses in. I even managed to include Felix Pappalardi in mine. Gotta be worth a point or two surely. :)
BobG
PS Tommy: if your friends daughter is the err, dominant one, you could call her Cadfael too if you like.
PPS Oh yes. Steve Lister: a vision of elegance marauding the full length of the York City pitch to smack one in off the cross bar one night match before Christ was born.
Next: other interesting BC facts
-
"Steve Lister" is Barnsley rhyming slang for "girlfriend"...
Next: Double bogey
-
In 143BC The Romans invented a super chariot that was far more manoeuvreable and comfortable than previous efforts. The secret was in the double bogie developed by Isumbardus Kingdomatus Brunellius Caesar.
Next: Great Western
-
The Great West Urn was the biggest artifact discovered in the tomb of Tutankamun, it was discovered in the western burial chamber.
Next: Egypt
-
E-Gyp-t is a social network frequented by our colourfully attired friends of non-permanent residency. It was originally set up to arrange which shopping centre/leisure park they were to meet at on any given Sunday for a bit of tea and casual larceny.
Next: Dags
-
"Dags" is the reply given by a recently nutmegged footballer in response to his opponent's taunt of "megs", meaning "I am looking daggers at you matey boy"..
Next: Snatch
-
Snatch is a common slang word mainly used by riff raff or folks from Barnsley meaning Lady parts.
Other awful words such as
Kipper
clunge
little man in the boat
Kebab
Rat Are also used among others.
Next Sticky Vicky
-
Sticky Vicky was the nickname of Victoria Coren when she played pontoon before becoming a poker legend.
She stuck and never twisted.
Next: Only Connect
-
Thread seems to have stalled , so just to get it going again, possibly inspired by Rovers last opponents:
It is not well known that Dale Winton was actually trialled as the first host of Only Connect, but was not chosen since he confused watchers even more by saying 'Bring on the Wall'
Next: Pointless
-
Pointless is the title of a new TV documentary cataloguing Paul Dickov's tenure at the helm of Doncaster Rovers.
Next: The Chase
-
Chase is something that Doncaster Rovers will be mainly doing this season.
Once Mr Ferguson sorts the wheat from the chaff and he will [ no question about that]
We shall fly.
Next Biggles.
-
There are some Biggles next to the Keepmoat stadium.
Next; Man-made landscapes
-
This place!
www.youtube.com/watch?v=a2NFqXPZgq8
Next: Fire engines
BobG
-
Point of order.
Bigg Les was the Geordie lover of Fat Les and Cock Les.
-
The sad demise of one crack German U-Boat in WW2 was due to the incompetent Uber Commandant ordering 'Fire Engines' when he meant to say 'Fire torpedoes'
Engineless and with a great big hole in the front it sank to its doom.
Next: Davy Jones's Locker
-
Many people believe Davy Jones Locker was the storage container used in the Monkees dressing room, in actual fact it was where the costumes for the persona that was Ziggy Stardust were stored
Next: Thin White Duke
-
Ziggy played guitar, along with his brother Alvin. Alvin also used to make the sandwiches, and it was his job to coo ca choose the filling. He always got his bread from next door neighbour, the veteran Hollywood actor John Wayne, who had taken up bread making following retirement. His regular request for "a thin white Duke" soon became Alvin's catch-phrase.
Next; Hunky Dory
-
Superb BB😁
-
Hunky Dory, the theatre of dreams home of Irish legends Drogheda United.
The place where Rovers great Paul Keegan grew from a boy to a man, after bolting from Bellend Road.
Keegs went on to better things at Bohemians,
your next starter for ten!
Bohemia
-
Bohemia is a nasty affliction that was endemic in the 1960's.
Sufferers could be recognised by their long unwashed hair and Afghan coats.
It led to mental health problems caused by an overproduction of Lysergic Acid in the pancreas.
It suddenly disappeared in the mid 70's coinciding with the advent of punk rock.
Next: Pink Floyd
-
Pink Floyd is Keith Floyd's less well known daughter. Strangely enough, given her name, she is actually a bricklayer of some repute.
Next: Soft floury baps
-
Soft floury baps is a term used to describe certain parts of the female anatomy by gret dirty bas**rds.
Next: Bob Marley
-
Bob Marley was Scrooge's dead partner in A Christmas Carol. He then joined The Whalers and was Captain Ahab's second mate in Moby Dick.
Next: Great Expectations.
-
GREAT EXPECTATIONS
Is an affliction that Sheffield utd, Leeds utd and many others suffer from, it is a dibilitating disease that often leaves the sufferer with delusions of grandeur, only to fall flat on their face or worse, Savlon won't fix this you need to go to the Quack's!.
Next: Estate Bicycles
-
Estate Bicycles is the name of the first racing team of the great Slovakian cyclist Peter Sagan. So overcome was he to be passing through some of the finer estates in Leeds and Sheffield during the recent Tour de France visit to Yorkshire, that this red hot favourite for the stage finished 92nd.
Next: Scarborough
-
I once drank 16 Pints or 32 halves to be accurate on a Scarborough Pub crawl and ended up wading still clothed into the North Sea
In common with this Thread I had absolutely no idea what was going on !
JESUS !
-
Jesus!
Donnywolf doesn't get this thread.
And that coming from someone who invented the proverb:
'People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones'
Next: Rockware Glass
-
I went to Rock where Glass es of Doom Bar were relatively inexpensive (for Cornwall that is)
Kernhow
-
An ex Wolves and Rovers Manager knew his days as a supremo were numbered and he had to seek a new career
So he moved to Cornwall and by chance discovered a strange breed of Fowl with 4 sets of legs - so 8 legs in all. Remembering the unique Spices he had tasted in one of Americas Southern States he decided to open a Restaurant serving all the 8 legged Chickens coated with the Southern Spices and it was a roaring success
It still thrives to this day and is better known as Kernhow el Saunders Southern Fried Chicken
Ron Flowers
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Ron Flowers is the cock a nee rhyming slang for golden showers.
Now Golden showers come in different PH and shades, ranging from clear to various shades of yellow to brown.
Some people might be thinking im taking the pi,ss here but im not.
next Rash
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I don't want to be rash donnyallday, but are you obsessed with kinky sex by any chance?
Next: Dirty washing
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Dirty Washing was the sequel to Dirty Dancing, it was a massive box office flop.
Next: Saturday Night Fever
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Saturday Night Fever is the name given to the nightmares Doncaster Rovers fans have had for the past couple of years. Sufferers have been known to shout in their sleep "Gerritforrad!", "Gerrimoffdickov" and "bloodyrubbishref".
Next : Trevor Kettle
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Referees in modern day football have a very difficult job,what with TV replays, criticism from pundits who have never tried to referee, cheating diving footballers and derision from the stands.
A shining beacon of light in all this is the great ref Trevor Kettle, who has been proved to have never got a decision wrong. Ever.
Next: Whistle Blower.
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Its no good trying to whistle blow me and thinking im washing my dirty laundry in pubic.
Im just re living my youth.
Next Mary shytehouse. Edit whitehouse
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Mary Whitehouse is the aunt of promising Rovers winger Billy. During his junior career she used to attend all his matches until she was banned by the FA for her persistent verbal abuse, including sexual innuendo, directed at referees and opponents who upset "our Billy." She now occupies her time by writing letters of complaint to the BBC and other television companies.
Next: The Watershed.
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The "watershed" is a forgotten term used for an outside toilet, or "nettie". Or "next door" (if you live in Barnsley).
Next: Casino Craps
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Their was talk of opening a casino in Barnsley once upon a time but soon realised it was a crap idea.
Nobody has any brass to spend, or washes for that come to think of it , hence Grimethorpe
Infact stairfoot has no stairs because theyve chopped them up for firewood, thats why they all have smokey faces, i know this because the well at oakwell is always full.
Not forgetting the wombs at wombwell, they cudeth been removed more earlier to bring the viewing ratings down on the jeremy kyle show.
Next Casper
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w**kergren. A crap goalkeeper who played for a comedy football club in West Yorkshire.
Next: comedy football clubs
BobG
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After tonight, take a bow Notts County. What a joke of a performance from them.
Next: Oldest Club in the World.
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The oldest club in the world has to be the type used by cavemen to kill animals for food before dragging women by the hair into the cave to cook it.
Next: apposable thumbs
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Sorry - an interjection:
Cooking women? Christ!
BobG
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If you have opposable thumbs you can touch your fingers with them.
Apposable thumbs is an app you can download to do the job for you.
Next: Angry Birds.
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If you have opposable thumbs you can touch your fingers with them.
Apposable thumbs is an app you can download to do the job for you.
Next: Angry Birds.
Angry Birds, Have been known to occupy the former Park Lane area for years, stumbling out of the venue on 'Skyscraper heels', with a face that they keep in a jar by the door, and 'More trowelling damage to the face than a Rookie bricklayers first wall'
They wait around hoping that a youth fresh out of college will show them what it was like when they were in their prime, but often end up copping off with 'An old sort with a cough and pension book on the hip'!.
If you are a young guy don't approach them, they are dangerous, they will destroy your innocence, ruin you physically, you will never be the same. But if your at a loose end and need some 'Extra curicular Education', dive in, on your head be it son! :coat:
NEXT
Barnsley folks extra fingers
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If you ever saw a bird who wasnt angry and in tow with a six fingered dingle around the park lane area, the reason is pretty clear.
These wrong uns have a brilliant bowling grip which enables them to sink two in the pink and two in the brown at the same time, whilst he can roll a fag for her after.
n ext Rotters
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Rotters of Rotherham is a family run aromatic catering firm whose main area of income is to ensure that the stench of garbage and shit is served up at The New York Stadium on a regular basis.
The firm, established at the same time as RUFC, hit the big time as the footballing world looked on in disgust when Fatty Evans' arse was caught live flabbing down the touch line at Wembley. Legend has it that if the wind is blowing in the right direction, the stench of sweaty arse crack can still be whiffed as one walks down Wembley Way.
Earlier today, a Rotters spokesman happily confirmed that despite concerns that Evans' recent departure would result in a more pleasant atmospheric aroma around the Town, things are actually just as shitty as before.
Next: Londis Cabbages
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"Londis Cabbages" is the common name for maturemingeitis, a rare genetic disease that causes small, leaf-like growths appearing underneath the arms that are green in colour. Symptoms can manifest at random intervals, but occur more frequently following intercourse with middle-aged women from Scunthorpe.
Next: steelworks
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Steelworks is a term used in the music industry when referring to the discography of entertainer Tommy Steele.
Next: half a sixpence
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Steve Evans once went on a food tour of Rotherham. Only half a sixpence worth of pies remained in the entire town come the end of the night.
Next: Dave Kitson
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Dave Kitson has just been voted by fans of all clubs as the Fairest Footballer in History.
His victory was assured by the votes of supporters of Doncaster Rovers who voted in their thousands.
This was in response to their game against Portsmouth when Dave dived into the box but immediately got up and begged the ref (without success)not to award a penalty. Later in the same game he punched the ball in the net and once again a goal was awarded despite his protestations.
What a man!
Next: Ginger Spice
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Ginger Spice is a so-called "legal high" that only has any effect on Strawberry Blondes
Next : Dean Saunders
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Dean Saunders. A little known manager, who once had a decent playing career, and now manages Chesterield FC along with his sideline P.I. work.
He is also the main instructor in ''Manager speak'', at the fa's headquarters. It has been said ''He could send a glass eye to sleep''!.
He is currently being flown into IS territories, to talk with them to try and reach a peaceful solution. His tale will go something like this-
''I know how hard it is lads, i took over at Doncaster, and the players were getting changed in a cabin, much like the situation you face in this cave''!.
''I had the budget of a sunday morning team, the Doncaster people had never seen football before i educated them, i managed completely on my own to turn a club that was fighting Mike Tyson every week in their style of play, to a team that played mesmorising football''!.
One of the IS men say to him ''Yes but what happened at Wolves''?.
Saunders sat there for a minute dumbfounded he knew anything about Wolves, scratching his chin, raising his eyebrows. Then he answered ''They had it in for me because i played for Villa''!.
Another one of the IS men said through a translator, ''Really i heard you were shit''!.
Saunders again raised his eyebrows, and said ''Anyway lads enough about me, i heard there was a job going as a preacher, can you put a good word in.....''!.
Next Brian the Blade.
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A new X rated version of The Magic Roundabout is to be released to a horrified public.
Featuring Dylan a drug crazed hippie psychopathic rabbit, Zebedee who's spring is made of razor wire and makes a bloody mess of Florence when he lands on her; and Brian the Blade who deftly turns Ermintrude into steak, brisket and silverside with one swish of his sharpened tool.
Next: Florence Nightingale.
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After a 5 year hiatus now might be a good time to resurrect this thread.
Next: Florence Nightingale.
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Florence Nighting Ale is an alcoholic fermentation made in Sevastopol.
Next: Crimea.
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Crimea River was quite a successful record for 80s singer Alison Moyet, one of the best covers of that song IMHO.
Next: Alf Garnett
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Alf Garnett was played by Warren Mitchell who was the father of Phil Mitchell in EastEnders and married to Margaret Mitchell who wrote Gone with the wind.
None of them supported West Ham.
Next: Rhett Butler
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Apart from appearing in one particular very famous film, what has Rhett Butler actually ever done otherwise.?
Frankly, I don’t give a damn.
Next: Mr Shankley
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"Shank" Lee was the nickname of the cartoonist Stan Lee. He was wasn't very good at golf.
Next: Hookers.
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Haha BST, I thought that reference would bring you out.!
Since women’s rugby has increased in prominence recently, makes you wonder if they will change the name for the position which wears the no 2 shirt..
Next: polished turd
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Polish Ed the turd is the nickname for the Irish plumber who always went beyond the call of duty while living and working on the Bogside.
Next: Typhoid Mary
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Typhoid Mary is what my elderly grandmother mistakenly called Typhoon Mary - Typhoid Mary is not, contrary to popular belief, a euphemism for a female venereal disease.
Next: pant beard
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pant beard the younger and shorter cousin of blue beard was renowned for her title the Guinness Book of Records entry as the human rope bridge.
Next: Mercan the terrible
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Mary Beard the elderly historian with the straggly grey hair has become an unlikely sex symbol in academic circles.
So much so that she has been receiving phone calls from men who pant beard beard beard, while obviously playing the five fingered flute.
Next: James Galway
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Arggh. Go with Mercan
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Meghan Mercan is the rootin' tootin' poster girl of the campaign to get Prince Andrew to visit America for a chat. He's having none of it as he nearly fell for a similar ruse whilst having a lovely family meal at Pizza Express once.
Next : The Changing Of the Guard
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The changing of the guard.
Geoffrey Boycott’s grandmother used to favour a “middle” guard, but when her stick of rhubarb grew much thicker one year, she changed the guard to “middle and leg” on her grandson’s advice.
Since then she scored 1500 first class runs each season.
Next: once you’ve popped you can’t stop.
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The changing of the guard.
Geoffrey Boycott’s grandmother used to favour a “middle” guard, but when her stick of rhubarb grew much thicker one year, she changed the guard to “middle and leg” on her grandson’s advice.
Since then she scored 1500 first class runs each season.
Next: once you’ve popped you can’t stop.
The Jimmy Saville story........
Followed by #metoo
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"Once you've popped you can't stop" is the catchphrase of disgraced former The Apprentice host, Donald Trump. He had to drop his previous catchphrases "Pick 'em up by the pussy" and "I just kiss, I don't wait" following allegations from former porn strumpet Stormy Daniels that she was indeed picked up and kissed.
Next : Sleepy Joe
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A “sleepy Joe” is the last thing you want to be afflicted with when you’re with a porn strumpet.
Next: Laughing stock.
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'Laughing Stock? You won't be laughing in 90 minutes time.' said Jermaine Beckford to our Brian as they walked out at Wembley.
He was.
Next: Brian the Snail.
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'Laughing Stock? You won't be laughing in 90 minutes time.' said Jermaine Beckford to our Brian as they walked out at Wembley.
He was.
Next: Brian the Snail.
Funnily enough Brian the snail met his end at Wembley after that same game.
Beckford stamped on Brian at the final whistle.
When asked why he replied, "That snail was following me for the whole game and got on my nerves".
Next:- How much!
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.....is that doggy in the window is often heard in the wet meat markets of China but with new regulations in force dogs are no longer classed as food
Next
It was a dark long lonely night for
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It was a dark long lonely night for the dark long and lonely Keanu Reeves, when he was finally informed by the Academy, that officially he was the worst film actor of all time.
A fact I already knew.
Next: May Tricks.
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My mate Rick’s wife is a reyt dirt bag, so he tells me.
Next: turd sandwich
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"A Turd Sandwich" was what eminent food critic Jay Raynor declared a burger at Oakwell scored lower than on his list of foods never to eat again.
Next : The Ponte Road End
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When the bridge collapsed in Genoa all thoughts turned to the mafia ...........
Muff divers wanted
-
“Muff divers wanted” at Oakwell, where “going down” is trending..
Next: hedge trimming
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Bump
-
Hedge trimming is a term used by hedge fund managers which allows them to trim large amounts of cash from the fund to donate to the Socialist Workers Party, which they all support.
Next: Green Fingers
-
I was going to mention Miss Piggy and Kermit but decided to keep it clean.
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Yes hound, reading through this, we had enough of that from donnyallday.
-
Green Fingers was the difficult follow-up single to the enduring mediaeval one-hit wonder, Greensleeves. The minstrel acid-funk fusion was ahead of its time.
Next: Stephen Hawking
-
Stephen Hawking was one of the biggest gangsters in London in the 1960s.
He gave it up and decided to write a book about his exploits, and entitled it 'A Brief History of Crime'
Unfortunately his publishers got the title wrong so he had to rewrite a load of unintelligible scientific nonsense that nobody could understand.
He got away with it.
Next: Publish and be damned
-
‘Publish and be damned’ was a phrase coined by Mary Whitehouse, a conservative activist and all round killjoy. She campaigned against social liberalism and the phrase in question was aimed at the editors of Rustler, Razzle and Bald Beavers.
And Tit Bits.
Next: Chalfont St Giles
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Chalfont St Giles Peterson, erstwhile Radio 6 purveyor of unknown tunage is also partial to digestives with butter on at 4 pm weekdays.
Next Land of Nod
-
Land of Nod is a small village near Holme-upon-Spalding-Moor (affectionately called Husm by Mrs T, but I digress)
It got its name from its most famous resident Noddy Holder, who keeps the Land of Nodders awake at night shouting IT'S CHRISTMAS! continually, all year round.
Next: Slade Prison
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Slade Prison has made the Guiness book of records for the amount of Porridge it serves to inmates. Most would prefer Honey Nut Clusters but that would put a stretch on the breakfast budget but would cut down the time to serve for Kitchen Staff
Next: Wind Farms
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Wind farms appeal for help after door left open and autumn harvest escapes.
Next I was behind Steve Evans in queue at Greggs
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Wind farms appeal for help after door left open and autumn harvest escapes.
Next I was behind Steve Evans in queue at Greggs
I was behind Steve Evans in the queue at Greggs. Needless to say, I went home hungry that day.
Next: Hungary
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There weren't many men called Gary in 1914.They were mainly called Albert or Percy and the like.
However there was one, Gary Otterthwaite from Conisbrough.
On signing up at Mexborough Imperial, the registering officer said 'Right, now you're off to fight the Hun Gary.
(I'll get me coat)
Next: Denaby Crossing
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Denaby was very, very, VERY crossing. Some bugger left the gate open.
Next: Open Wide And...
BobG