Viking Supporters Co-operative
Viking Chat => Off Topic => Topic started by: balbyrover on September 10, 2017, 02:07:29 pm
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Thought I'd lighten the mood up a bit on here! What's your best joke?
I'll start.
Paddy's wife had never had an orgasm, so they decided to go to the Doctors to find out why. After a number of tests and questions the Doctor suggests that Paddy's wife could be over-heating during sex.
Paddy refuses to buy a fan, and decides to get his mate round to waft a towel on them during sex. After 20 minutes of wafting she still had not had an orgasm, so Paddy's friend suggests swapping places, saying "I'll shag her, and you waft the towel"
Paddy agrees, and within seconds Paddy's wife is screaming in pleasure and has the best orgasm she has ever had.
Paddy turns to his friend slowly and say "...... and that my son is how you waft a f**king towel!"
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What do you call 250 lefties at the bottom of the sea >>> a start.
What do you throw to a drowning snowflake >>> another snowflake.
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:zzz:
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I just could not resist it fella
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What do you call 250 lefties at the bottom of the sea >>> a start.
What do you throw to a drowning snowflake >>> another snowflake.
So what have you got against lefties? I have a feeling this is going to be insightful.
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Back on topic before yet another thread is ruined !!
What do you call somebody with no body and no more?
Nobody knows ;)
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There are loads of flys milling about in a airing cupboard ,how do you know which flys are in the army?
The flys that are sat on the tank .
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We used to call my Granddad spider - it wasn't because he had spindly legs
He just couldn't get out of the bath.
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Just got back from hospital having had a mole removed from my penis.
The Surgeon said I'll be OK, but the RSPCA said they'll prosecute if I do it again.
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Why is there no women on the moon yet ?
because it don't need cleaning .
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I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it
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My doctor's just told me they've found a cure for dyslexia. It was music to my arse.
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What did the frog say when he saw a pegion comming out of the library with a book under its arm?
'Readit readit '
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They found our local ice cream man dead in his van the other day. His body was completely covered in hundreds and thousands and strawberry sauce.
They reckon he topped himself.
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A good mate was telling me that his dad had died.
When i expressed my condolences he told me that him and his dad were not very close, and that he was quite pleased really as his dad had stepped on a land mine.
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A good mate was telling me that his dad had died.
When i expressed my condolences he told me that him and his dad were not very close, and that he was quite pleased really as his dad had stepped on a landline.
Iam struggling to GET that one
help anyone > I can't pick out the landline bit
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The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports
it to the Captain immediately.
“Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy, female passenger on-board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob
who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!”
The captain responds, “Patricia, I’ve told you this before. This is Air Force One...”
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A good mate was telling me that his dad had died.
When i expressed my condolences he told me that him and his dad were not very close, and that he was quite pleased really as his dad had stepped on a landline.
Iam struggling to GET that one
help anyone > I can't pick out the landline bit
Post edited , quite easy to work out really.
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Can anyone tell me when WW11 finished please .
The exact date .
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Who said it was a WW2 land mine ?
Surely you watch the news.
Boring.
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It was a question and nowt to do with your joke mr hound ,as Iam still in the fog with your joke fella.
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Can anyone tell me when WW11 finished please .
The exact date .
I'm not sure there has been a world war 3 yet never mind 11.
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Who said it was a WW2 land mine ?
Surely you watch the news.
Boring.
Still could be tbf with the amount of unexploded bombs they find even today.
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Can anyone tell me when WW11 finished please .
The exact date .
I'm not sure there has been a world war 3 yet never mind 11.
WW two sorry
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Two owls walk into a pub one goes to bar to get round in while other owl racks up a game of pool.
1st owl says to barman two pints and 2 bags of salt and vinegar please ,as the 2nd owl breaks off for the game of pool.
The white cue ball splits the rack but shoots off down the corner pocket .
1st owl is walking by and sets the beers and crisps down on the table as his mate the 2nd owl says " two hits " to which 1st owl answers " two hits to who "
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What do you call a fish with no eye > a fsh
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Can anyone tell me when WW11 finished please .
The exact date .
I'm not sure there has been a world war 3 yet never mind 11.
WW two sorry
No bother, I'm sure I've done worse.
The answer that your looking for is that the surrender happened on the 15th of August 1945, but the surrender documents were only signed on 2 September 1945, Which officially marked the end of the war. So two answers really.
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Can anyone tell me when WW11 finished please .
The exact date .
I'm not sure there has been a world war 3 yet never mind 11.
WW two sorry
No bother, I'm sure I've done worse.
The answer that your looking for is that the surrender happened on the 15th of August 1945, but the surrender documents were only signed on 2 September 1945, Which officially marked the end of the war. So two answers really.
Sept 2nd 1945 you say > if that is the case why you still wearing your gasmask fella.
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Can anyone tell me when WW11 finished please .
The exact date .
I'm not sure there has been a world war 3 yet never mind 11.
WW two sorry
No bother, I'm sure I've done worse.
The answer that your looking for is that the surrender happened on the 15th of August 1945, but the surrender documents were only signed on 2 September 1945, Which officially marked the end of the war. So two answers really.
It's a gimp mask not a gas mask you nutter.
Sept 2nd 1945 you say > if that is the case why you still wearing your gasmask fella.
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' ay ay ay ' as they say in Liverpool ,its my joke so it's a gasmask wack.
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I am with NOF. I read and re read the landmine joke, but it totally loses me.
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Not very close...good job because his dad stepped on a land mine, had they been close he'd have been a goner too.
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Not very close...good job because his dad stepped on a land mine, had they been close he'd have been a goner too.
Well if a joke has to be explained it's not funny sorry to say.
Thought it was just me and thank god Bahrain rover was on the same page .
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Prince Harry says he doesn't want the usual fruit cake at his wedding.
Prince Philip says he doesn't give a toss, he's still going.
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A mate of mine had a lifelong ambition to be run over by a steam train.
When it finally happened he was chuffed to bits.
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Not very close...good job because his dad stepped on a land mine, had they been close he'd have been a goner too.
Well if a joke has to be explained it's not funny sorry to say.
Thought it was just me and thank god Bahrain rover was on the same page .
No doubt that people with a sense of humour found it funny.
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I didn't and I have a wicked sense of humor.
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My doctor's just told me they've found a cure for dyslexia. It was music to my arse.
Laughed out loud at work at this. Cheers.
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I must be really warped as I got it
Loved the doctor one
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after making love all night the chap says to his wife
why dont you tell me when you have an orgasm
her reply I dont like ringing you when you are at work
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Bruiser from next door collared me last night, said I'd been pinching washing off of his line.
I nearly shit his pants.
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How do you milk sheep?
Bring out a new i-phone and charge £1000 for it.
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Apparently there's a new sex position called parcel force.
..... you stay in all day and no-one comes...
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Went to the sperm clinic earlier.
The lady asked if I'd like to masturbate in the cup?
I said...... "I'm good but not ready for competitions yet".....
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Bought my wife a fridge for her birthday.
... You should have seen her face light up when she opened it.
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My pal works in a chocolate wrapping department in a food factory.
He put some chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
His boss got his snickers in a twix.
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Q) What's Green , got 6 legs and wears a tartan scarf.
A) Rupert the Snooker Table
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There's this old dyslexic Rovers supporter. Alwayes goes to games wearing his cat flap.
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I cant wear designer polo shirts as they make me ill
Im lacoste intolerant
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IT’S A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT’S A BOY"
And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!!
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Q) What do you call a basement full of shandy drinking, Lily-livered, namby-pamby, powder puff, snowflake, lefty do-gooder Jessies?
A) A whine cellar.
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What do you call someone who continually moans about anyone who has a different opinion?
A right whinge.
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Q: What's the difference between BB's 'jokes' and a barrel full of shit?
A: The barrel.
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f**king hell, even Redj didn't 'like' that one!
Anyway, what do you call someone who can ad-lib a reply in just an hour and a half?
Mr Wiggerly!
.....Mind you, he did use a bloody very, very, very old joke!
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At least it was a joke. And it took you nearly an hour to adlib and point that out.
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Mr Wiggerly, your 'joke' was embarrassing really though, wasn't it? Anyway, forget that. You really should take on board the fact that I have bigger fish to fry than talk to a silly self-obsessed lefty on a forum with just a handful of likewise lefties.
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An old lady asked if I would help check her balance at a cashpoint. So i pushed her over
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The anti lefties should really take the time to read Citizen Clem by John Bew.
They then might realise just what we all owe to people like Attlee and the socialist movement.
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Mr Wiggerly, your 'joke' was embarrassing really though, wasn't it? Anyway, forget that. You really should take on board the fact that I have bigger fish to fry than talk to a silly self-obsessed lefty on a forum with just a handful of likewise lefties.
But not big enough fish to fry to keep you from spouting shite 'jokes' about lefties, it seems!
Glad you thought my joke embarrassed you, though. But, as you say, forget that.
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I think that the only time that I have seen you Glyn was some years ago at a VSC AGM.
You were sat slumped in a chair looking like Harry Enfield's character Kevin, totally disinterested to the eye. At one point someone in the audience had a question and somebody on the top table referred it to you to answer. Your demeanour was just the same disinterested and curt. You didn't look as if you were capable of a smile never mind a joke. Possibly you were having a bad day and I am doing you a disservice but you certainly seem more Jack Dee than Peter Kay.
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Tommy, did Clem Attlee believe that flying an English flag was racist? Or that wearing a poppy should be banned?
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Amazing how such a light hearted post gets hi jacked
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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm. He says I'll have a pint and one for the road.
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A woodworm walks into a pub and says "is the bar tender here"?
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A man walks into a bar... "ouch"
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A man walks into a bar. Ouch. It was The Drum in Denaby.
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A man walks into a bar. Ouch. It was The Drum in Denaby.
Bingo
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When Rome was an empire it was ruled by an emperor.
The UK is a kingdom, and our head of state can be a king or queen.
The USA is a country...
(works better verbally)
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"I really, really love you more than anything in the world".
Wife; "Is that you or the Whisky talking"?
"It's me, talking to the Whisky".
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I love using eBay..
I have made a lot of cash selling the same homing pigeon a dozen times already this week!
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Trying to think of a reason to move to Switzerland, suppose the signs a big plus..
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Why did the pervert cross the road?
Because he'd got his cock stuck in the chicken.
Rik Mayall might be 3 years in the ground but he still tells the best jokes.
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Have you ever got halfway through eating a horse and realised that you're not as hungry as you thought you were?
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Why did Edward Woodward have 4 d’s in his name?
... cos if he didn’t he’d have been called Ewar Woowar!
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Trying to think of a reason to move to Switzerland, suppose the signs flag's a big plus..
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Maybe explains the tumbleweed, even Red J didnt go for it
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A friend of mine suddenly reappeared in our local, having been away for 12 months on a surveying job in the Australian outback. He was asked to tell us about the posting.
"Absolutely mind-blowingly boring. For the whole time I was on my own, no internet, no phone signal, no habitation, no other people, nothing. All I could do was work and sleep".
It was pointed out that as he was a sociable chap with voluminous libido, he must have found it hard.
"Bloody hard; almost unbearable having to go the full trip with only one sexual encounter".
Only one? With whom, we asked, given that he had told us that he had seen no other human.
"Well, I was surveying one day and I came across an ostrich with its head buried in the sand. I was so frustrated that the sight of a prominent orifice being disported left me with no choice; I just had to drop my shorts and get stuck up this ostrich."
Being probably our only opportunity to ask for a first-hand account of having sex with an ostrich, we naturally pressed him for a summary of the experience.
"It was OK for the first couple of miles, but then I got out of step".
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"What do we want?"
"Hearing aids"
"When do we want them?"
"HEARING AIDS!"
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Alziemers society march :
What do we want ?
"Don't know"
When do we want it ?
"What"?
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Quasimodo comes home and sees Esmarelda with a wok in her hand.
He says " Great are we having Chinese for tea"?
She says "No I'm just going to iron your shirt".
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Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.
I woke this morning with a huge correction.
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Pirate to Doctor 'Arghhh I've got these big moles on me back Doc arghhh.'
Doc has a look: 'It's OK they're benign'
Pirate: 'No there be ten arghhh.'
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What do you call an alien that only eats eggs butter and cheese?
An extra-cholesterol.
I knew the wife was a keeper as soon as I met her....she was wearing these big gloves.
Batman came up to me and hit me over the head with a vase and said T'PAU!
Dont you mean KAPOW! I said.
No I've got China in my hand.
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Me and the wife, who is rather flat chested went to marriage guidance the other day.
'What seems to be the problem' asked the counsellor.'
'Well, Dolly Parton here thinks I'm too sarcastic.' I replied.
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Tragic news from the Nestle factory today as a worker was crushed to death under hundreds of boxes of chocolates.
He tried in vain to get help but every time he shouted, "The milky bars are on me!!" --his fellow workmates just cheered.
I tried to read a book today on the history of Sellotape, but I couldn't find the beginning.
I got thrown out of the cinema for taking my own food yesterday.
Been ages since I've had a barbecue.
The condition of the man who was mauled at the Teddy bear's picnic is said to be improving but he's not out of the woods yet!
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I took the wife to see "War For The Planet Of The Apes" last night.
She spent most of the evening signing autographs.
Mick goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy", he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".
Mick says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid
bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss League records were destroyed
in a fire, ...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
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I met this transvestite from the Greater Manchester area last night.
She/he had a Wigan address.
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What is the difference between a bad marksman and a constipated owl?
One shoots and can’t hit..........
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I got a fright when I went outside on Halloween.
There was a dead baby ghost on the drive, or so I thought.
It turned out to be a mans handkerchief.
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What's the difference between a male conductor of a choir of nymphomaniacs and a baby?
A baby sucks his fingers.
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Have you ever noticed how a lot of F1 drivers share their names with Scottish places?
Stirling Moss, Eddie Irvine, Johnny Dumfries, Lewis Hamilton, Ayr Town Centre.
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I like that one Kato.
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Kin 'Ell Tommy. I wondered where Jim Bowen had gone.
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'Eres another then BST.
I asked the wife to polish my medieval warfare outfit while I went to the pub....she likes a night in, shining armour.
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And look at what you could have won...
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Jokes about white sugar are rare. But jokes about brown sugar?
Demerara
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And look at what you could have won...
They're just jokes BST, one or two of which are quite clever and in no way Bowenesque, though I'll admit not as sophisticated as yours about the bloke with his knob in a chicken.
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And look at what you could have won...
They're just jokes BST, one or two of which are quite clever and in no way Bowenesque, though I'll admit not as sophisticated as yours about the bloke with his knob in a chicken.
Keep em up Tommy - as you will imagine they are right up my "Throne stowing" street
2 Supertankers one carrying Red Paint and the other Blue Paint have collided at sea
25 Sailors have been marooned
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Wolfie
You ought to post your proverbs if you can remember em. They were brilliant!
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A Greek playwright goes into the tailors.
'Euripides?' Asked the tailor.
'Eumendises' says the playwright.
Visited a street yesterday. The house numbers were 56k 124k
246k 2mg
That was a trip down memory lane.
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What do we want?
- More Acronyms
- When do we want them?
-ASAP
My boss told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities.
I said, "That's great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity."
Just found the absolute worst page in the dictionary
What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest and disingenuous.
My mate had a testicle removed after finding a lump.
He's much too serious about his mashed potatoes.
I’m seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife…
But I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out I’m just after my money
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Tommy.
Wasn't my joke mate. It was Rik Mayall's finest.
Like the latest ones by the way.
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I was in Tescos the other day and I happened to go down the washing powder aisle.
There was a fella up the top of a ladder refilling the shelves and a woman was stood having a right go at him.
"You bas**rd" she said,"you lying bas**rd! You told me you were in the Red Arrows"
"No" he replied "I told you I was in an Aerial display team!"
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I saw a sign today that made me piss myself.
It said "TOILETS CLOSED"
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A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says: "five beers please."
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Me: Doc I'm spending all my money on mints with the hole in.
Doc: You've got buypolo disorder.
Wife: I'm sick of you acting like a private detective all the time. I think we should split up.
Me: Good idea, we'll cover more ground that way.
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Young Dingle: Mum, why is my Barnsley shirt in the back garden?
Mum: Theiving sods have nicked my pegs again.
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I went to an international yodellers convention meeting yesterday.
The bloke in charge asked us to form an orderly orderly orderly queue hoo hoo.
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Twas a cold and rainy Saturday night in Dublin. Sean and Maureen, 20 years old each, and platonic friends, were undergraduate students at nearby Trinity College. They shared a wee tiny flat just off of High Street. Now, this evening, both Sean and the lovely Maureen, very much fancied a a pint or two down at the pub; alas, between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of 50 pence. Ah, the life of a starvin student. Saints preserve them.
Sean said, "Hang on, I have an idea!". He went next door to Murphy's butcher shop and came back to the flat with one very large sausage.
Maureen cast one glance at the sausage and said, "Would ya be crazy then, Sean? Now we don't have any money left at all! Mary Jesus and Joseph, Sean!".
Sean replied, "Not to worry, Maureen me pal ---just follow me". And off Sean and Maureen went to O'Hara's Pub. Inside, Sean ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whiskey. Maureen took one look at the drinks on the table and said, "Now you've truly lost it! Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't any money, Sean!"
Sean replied, with a smirk, "Don't worry me dear, I have a plan. Cheers!". They both downed their drinks faster than the congregation fleeing one of father Flaherty's boring sermons down at St. Joseph's. Sean said, "alright then, I'll just stick this sausage through me zipper, and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth". Feeling no pain, Maureen agreed to do so, and did just that.
Said and done, Gerard, the bartender, noticed them, went beserk (An Irish temper the likes of which you've never seen!) and threw them out onto high street, bag and baggage.
Sean and Maureen continued this routine, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, and all for free! At the tenth pub, Maureen said, "Sean darlin,
I really don't think I can do any more o' this. I'm stone drunk and me knees are killin me!".
Sean replied, "And how do you think I feel, Maureen? I lost the sausage in the third pub".
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The funeral was held today for the man who invented human cloning.
The mourners were beside themselves.
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I said to Mrs Toes earlier: 'I'm off intert kitchen now to cook the tea and I'd appreciate a bit of quiet while I do it.'
So she disconnected the smoke alarm.
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I had a check-up at the doctors today. I said, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life doc?"
He said, "I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus right now"
I said, "I don't believe in any of that astrology stuff doc"
He said, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke".