Viking Supporters Co-operative
Viking Chat => Off Topic => Topic started by: Bentley Bullet on May 12, 2023, 09:02:07 am
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A horse goes into a bar. The barman’s a donkey. They get chatting and the donkey asks the horse what he does for a living. The horse replies that he’s a flat racer. The donkey asks him if he’s any good. The horse replies that he’s won the Derby, the St. Leger and the Oaks. The donkey, not wishing to be embarrassed by the horse’s achievements, points to a picture of a zebra on the bar wall and says “That’s me when I played for Juventus!”.
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My favourite TV joke:
I went to the gym and said to the instructor’Can you teach me how to do the splits?’
He looked me up and down and replied ‘How flexible are you?
I said ‘I can’t do Tuesdays and Thursdays.’
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“I went in to a pet shop and asked the owner ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’
The gent asked, ‘Do you want an aquarium?’
I said, ‘I don’t care what star sign it is.'”
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today....it said on the packet ‘Best Before End…'”
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I've just come back from a once in a lifetime holiday....never again.
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Crime in a multi storey car park
It's wrong on every level
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I know this might make me sound big-headed but I honestly can't get my jumper off!
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I hated playing the triangle in the school orchestra, it was just one Ting after another.
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today....it said on the packet ‘Best Before End…'”
I like that cheese from that place Jesus came from, Cheeses of Nazareth.
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I got a lift to the sixteenth floor, and as I got out, the operator said, "Have a good day, son."
"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad!"
He said: “No, but I brought you up, didn't I?".
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Talking about cheese, I came out of Tesco last night and this kid started throwing cheese at me. I said ‘Oh, that’s really mature!’
Then he poured milk over my head and I thought ‘how dairy.’
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Second hand shop was selling a TV for £1, with only fault being the volume button.
I couldn't turn it down.
I sold them my old hoover. Well it was just collecting dust.
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Tim Vine is a master of one half of humour.
Stephen Fry said all jokes are either logic gone wrong (what Vine does) or some offence against moral standards.
The best jokes are ones which hit both targets. Which is why the best one of all time is Rik Mayall's.
Why did the pervert cross the road?
Because he had his knob stuck in the chicken.
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Tim Vine is a master of one half of humour.
Stephen Fry said all jokes are either logic gone wrong (what Vine does) or some offence against moral standards.
The best jokes are ones which hit both targets. Which is why the best one of all time is Rik Mayall's.
Why did the pervert cross the road?
Because he had his knob stuck in the chicken.
Disgraceful to write such filth on a Tim Vine thread.
Back to family fun:
Eric Bristow asked me why I put superglue on one of his darts. I said ‘you just can’t let it go can you?
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Tim Vine is a master of one half of humour.
Stephen Fry said all jokes are either logic gone wrong (what Vine does) or some offence against moral standards.
The best jokes are ones which hit both targets. Which is why the best one of all time is Rik Mayall's.
Why did the pervert cross the road?
Because he had his knob stuck in the chicken.
He's not very good at magic either. He can only do half a trick. He's a member of the magic semi-circle.
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What's red and invisible?
No Tomatoes
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I wondered why my head was getting smaller.
Then I realised I'd picked up the potato peeler instead of my comb!
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Centre Parcs has been put up for sale at £5 billion quid.
......Or £36 billion if bought during the school holidays.
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Elton John has bought a treadmill for his rabbit.
It's a little fit bunny.
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I saw my bank manager today he mistook me for a pop star, he said I was in Dire Straits
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I’d like to die peacefully in my sleep, like my Grandad did……not screaming & shouting like the other passengers in his car.
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I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
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Injured my calf last night playing football.
I guess cows just aren't cut out for 5-a-side.
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I was talking to my mate on the phone. I said, "I went to see that film about the 1976 Formula One rivalry between James Hunt and the Austrian driver". He said: "Lauda?". I said, "I WENT TO SEE THAT FILM .."
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My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I'd been hiding.
She said she's never playing Scrabble with me again.
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The past, presence & future walk into a bar. It was tense.
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The past, presence & future walk into a bar. It was tense.
Heard that one on 6music yesterday
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The past, presence & future walk into a bar. It was tense.
Heard that one on 6music yesterday
I was on 6 music yesterday!
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I’ve just bought a Premier League cordless drill.
No leads.
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What do the Premier league and a cordless drill have in common
No leads (leeds)
Curtesy of twitter
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The Proclaimers' lawn is getting a bit long, so they have been to a number of B&Q stores looking to buy something to cut it with but they are all out of stock...
They've been to Bathgate, no mower, Linwood, no mower, Methill, no mower, Irvine, no mower...
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What do the Premier league and a cordless drill have in common
No leads (leeds)
Curtesy of twitter
... and me 28th May 1 minute after final whistle
Anyway I went to Garden Centre for a swing for between trees. They wanted twice as much as I had but we came to a hammockable agreement
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I tried to climb Everest and failed. It was a-nepal-ling failure
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I went into the pet shop & asked for a wasp.
The shopkeeper said “We don’t sell wasps”.
“Well you’ve got one in the window”.
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There's a new razor designed for dyslexics.
It's the best thing since sliced beard.
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I really love those Golden coloured Horses
If fact any Palomino's a Pal 'o mino
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A Woodworm walks into a bar and say's, ‘Is the bartender here?’
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“I said to this bloke, go on, hit me in the face. So he did. As I lay on the floor I thought to myself, I asked for this”.
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I went to Poole last week.
In Dorset?
Yes, I can heartily recommend it.
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I’ve always been afraid I’d wind up an old man. He might take offence & thump me.
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Exit signs. They’re on the way out.
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Eric Bristow asked me why I put superglue on one of his darts. I said ‘you just can’t let it go can you?
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My son came home with a ‘thick ear’.
I said “Who did that!?”, he said “Mr Crosby next door caught me apple scrumping in his garden & clipped me round my ear”.
So I dragged him next door & banged on it loudly. Mr Crosby answered the door & I said “Right, hit my son whilst I’m here”, so he did.
I puffed my chest out, told my son to get up & said to Crosby “Right, hit him again in front of me if you dare”, so he did.
I looked at Crosby straight in the eye, turned to where my son was lying, picked him up & said “Right son, c’mon home you’ve had enough”.
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I'm fat, but I identify as skinny.
I'm Trans-Slender.
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I went into an iron mongers & said “I’d like a box of nails please”, the storekeeper said “How long do you want them?, I said “I want to keep them”.
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I wish I knew who kicked the jack out from under the car I'm working on.
The suspension is killing me.
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I went into my local RSPCA offices today.
It was tiny.
Honestly, you couldn’t swing a cat in there.
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I went into a horrible pub called The Fiddle the other day.
It was a vile Inn.
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I went into a record shop & asked the assistant “What have you got by The Doors?”, he said “A bucket of sand & a fire blanket”.
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I was walking through the woods and saw a Leeds Utd season ticket nailed to a tree.
I thought, ‘I’m having that!’
You can never have too many nails, can you?
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Apparently John Wayne was in 50 films and reputedly mentioned a Car in every one.
Yep it was Audi Pardner
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So this policeman came towards me carrying a large sheet of thin paper & a pencil. He stopped & said to me “I’d like you to help me trace someone”.
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A guy says to the psychiatrist, "I keep thinking I'm a set of curtains".
The shrink says, "For God's sake man, pull yourself together".
That's it, I'm definitely getting mi coat now.
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I went to the doctor.
I said "Doctor I've got a cricket ball stuck up me arse."
Doctor says "How's that?"
I said "Don't you bleeding start an all."
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Got up this morning and there was a tap on my door.
He's got a weird sense of humour our local plumber.
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I bumped into the chuckle brothers,; “Hi Tim”
Timmy to you
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I saw an RAC man sobbing uncontrollably over the wheel of his van. I thought to myself, “That blokes heading for a breakdown”.
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Saw a L**ds Utd fan with a gorgeous girl on his arm the other day,
..... " Nice tattoo", I said.
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So, I went to the cemetery to lay some flowers & I saw four blokes carrying a coffin around the graveyard.
An hour later they were still carrying the coffin around. I thought to myself “They’ve lost the plot”.
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I saw a busker once playing the violin and selling stolen goods on a weighbridge.
He was fiddling on a big scale.
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So me & my mate fancied a game of darts, he said “Nearest the bull starts”. He said “Baah”, I said “Moo”, he said “Ok, you’re closest, you go first”.
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Cucumber is very good for the memory. A mate of mine shoved one up his arse 30 years ago and he still remembers it.
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Doctor: My advice is don't eat anything fatty.
Me: You Mean like bacon and burgers?
Doctor: No fatty, don't eat anything.
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I was walking past a shop window & a sign in it said “Television for sale £1, volume stuck on full” I thought “Wow, I can’t turn that down”.
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Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could do for him.
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I looked out of the bedroom window & saw this bloke nicking the neighbours gate. I was going to shout at him but I thought better not, he might take offence.
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The other day I saw a clown giving a nun a piggy-back.
I thought "well that's just virgin on the ridiculous".
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Doctor: My advice is don't eat anything fatty.
Me: You Mean like bacon and burgers?
Doctor: No fatty, don't eat anything.
I said ‘can I have a word with 4 ‘i’ s’.
This kid said ‘Mississippi’
I said ‘no, I want a word with you, you speccy t**t!’
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Last week I took my nephew to a zoo. All they had was a dog in a cage. It was a Shitzoo.
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An HGV shed its load of snooker equipment on the M1 today. There were cues for miles.
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So I was in the queue for the ‘guess your weight’ stand at the fair. Eventually, I got to the front and the bloke looked me up and down and said, ‘I reckon that was about 20 minutes’
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The psychiatrist said to me “As a young boy, did your mother ever beat you? “. I said “Let’s get one thing straight. My mother was never a young boy”.
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What a nuisance, some thick bloke has got our house number mixed up with the Met Office.
He keeps calling & asking if the coast is clear!
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So there are these two goldfish in a tank. One turns to the other & says “So then, how do we start this thing?”.
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My Grandson is at that age when he's started crawling. You know the age, "You're the best Grandad ever, can I have a tenner?"
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My neighbour is running round the street telling everyone he’s found a hoard of Roman gold coins under a lump of grass in his garden. Lucky sod.
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Peruvian Owls hunt in pairs. Well, they are Inca Hoots.
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The guitarist staggered off the stage & said “I’m going to whack you with the neck of this guitar!”. I said “Is that a fret?”.
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Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.......I woke up this morning with a huge correction.
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I looked up & thought ‘Why is that frisbee getting bigger & bigger?’ Then it hit me.
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My partner left me due to my obsession with crossword puzzles. It's OK though, I'm not too down.
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Most people know Phil Oakey is the singer in the Human League but not many people know his sister Carrie can be heard regularly in pubs on a Friday night.
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I was round my mates house & I asked him if I could borrow his newspaper for a moment. He said “Mate, I don’t buy newspapers. Here, borrow my iPad”.
I tell you what. That wasp never knew what hit it.
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My Dad used to say, the first rule of theatre is always leave them wanting more.
Lovely bloke. Terrible anaesthetist.
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So i met this beautiful girl at a bungee jumping club. I said ‘are you attached?’
She said ‘No I’m nooooooot.’
She was drop dead gorgeous.
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"The trouble with Quotes on the internet is you never know if they are genuine."
Abraham Lincoln
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I went up to this bloke & said “ Me & my mates have just been talking about you”. He said “You disgust me.” I said “Yes we did”.
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I told a joke on a Zoom Meeting and nobody laughed. Turns out I'm not remotely funny.
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I rang my local Ramblers Club & this bloke just went on & on & on.
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I'm playing Scrabble with Midge Ure and I've only got 4 letters left.
They mean nothing to me.
OVNR.
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My mates got a butler who’s left arm is missing. Serves him right.
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A guy sits down on a park bench for a rest, and puts his trilby down at the side of him. Another guy walks past with a dog on a leash. The dog jumps up and starts chomping at the trilby with it's teeth. This starts a feisty dialogue between the two guys.
"Get your bloody dog under control"
"I will, but there's no need to be like that"
"Be like what?"
"It's your attitude"
"I know it's my f*cking hat he chewed, that's why I'm p*ssed off "
OK, guys, I'll get mi coat.
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I walked into a jewellers & said to the man at the counter “I’d like to buy a watch please”. He said “Analogue?” I said “No thank you, just a watch”.
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My mate got stopped by the Police.
"Name"
"Neil"
"Any I.D"
"No, N.E.I.L."
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So this prisoner shouted “It’s freezing in this cell!”. The warden said “I’ll put you another bar on”.
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Thinking about a comment from an old school report of mine, how many Gorms should I have had in the first place?
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I’ve just got back from a once in a lifetime holiday. Never again.
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My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini.
I said, “Wow that’s an amazing car.”
He said, "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I’ll be able to get another one next year.”
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So I said to this barn owl “I’ve just got engaged”. It turned its head & said “Twit. To who?”.
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Two cannibals sitting around a campfire.
"I don't like your wife"
"Just eat the chips then"
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During the First World War, my grandad survived attacks by both mustard gas & pepper spray. He was a seasoned veteran.
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Many women are completely satisfied with 3 1/2 inches ......
and it doesn’t matter if it’s a MasterCard or a Visa.
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Me & my wife’s first Christmas together & I put all the Christmas lights up. On the tree, around the house & in the garden.
She got home from work & was so excited when I showed her she said “Please can I switch them on?” Then I told her “I know it’s hard to believe but I’m no electrician. Boy did she get a shock.
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My dog was learning to play the horn and it was driving me daft, so i took the horn off him. He went from Tooting to Barking in less than two minuets.
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I’ve just offered the old woman next door £5 to have a go on her Stannah stairlift, she’s going to take me up on it.
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I said to the gym instructor “Can you teach me how to do the splits?”
He said “How flexible are you?” I said “I can’t do Tuesdays”.
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Just got back from seeing the Spanish Steps in Rome.
They were the worst tribute group I've ever seen.
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I went to see my doctor, he said “Lie on the couch.” I said “Why?”
He said “I want to sweep up.”
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My budgie broke his leg so I made him a splint out of a matchstick.
You should have seen his face light up when he took his first step.
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This bloke said to me "Can you tell me your availability to run a football team in Sheffield?"
I said "I can't manage Wednesday."
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So I went to see my doctor. He said “Hello. I haven’t seen you for a while” I said “No, I’ve been ill.”
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Just invented a glove for removing the lid from the jars of Colman's condiment.
It's not my best invention, Mustard Mitt.
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I bought some of those Jamie Oliver sausages.
I knew they were his because on the packet it said ‘prick with a fork’.
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My mate just took Airline to Court for losing his Baggage but lost his Case
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A mate asked me "if a Swan has a swansong , does a Cygnet have a signature tune "
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My mate came second in a Winston Churchill look alike competition. Close, but no cigar.
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Bruiser from next door collared me last night and said I'd been pinching washing off of his line.
I nearly shat his pants.
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I took my dog to the vets & said “I’m confused. I don’t know whether to feed it with Pedigree Chum or just a bone?”.
The vet said “What’s its name?”.
I said “Eye, eye, eye oh”.
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When I heard they'd found a cure for dyslexia, It was music to my arse.
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A bloke in the pub last night bragged that he was a big star in the 80s.
I didn't believe him but he was adamant.
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A bloke in the pub last night bragged that he was a big star in the 80s.
I didn't believe him but he was adamant.
What was his name?
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So I took my dog to the vets & asked “What’s best to feed him on, a can of Pedigree Chum or a bone?” The vet asked “What’s your dogs name?”. I answered “Nick knack paddy whack”.
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I was completely shocked today when my doctor told me I was colour-blind.
It was a bolt out of the green.
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So I did this parachute jump where they attach you to another person & push you out of the plane. It was really scary. The scariest bit was when the bloke strapped to my back said “So how long have you been an instructor then?”.
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A bloke in the pub last night bragged that he was a big star in the 80s.
I didn't believe him but he was adamant.
What was his name?
Don't know but he was Prince Charming to all the women.
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My wife walked in all flustered & said “You’re not going to like this but I’ve just reversed the car into a pole in the supermarket car park”. I said “How badly is the car damaged?” she said “The bumper has a bit of a dent in it, that’s all”. Then thinking about cctv cameras in the car park I asked “What state was the pole in?”. She said “It’s difficult to say to be honest. I don’t speak Polish”.
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A bloke in the pub last night bragged that he was a big star in the 80s.
I didn't believe him but he was adamant.
What was his name?
Don't know but he was Prince Charming to all the women.
Which prompted you to stand and deliver another joke.
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A bear walks into a bar.
The barman asks him
"What can I get you?"
The bear says,
"I'll have a
Jack Daniels
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
and coke."
The barman says to him,
"No problem, pal.
But what's with the big pause?"
The bear looks down and says,
“Oh, these? I dunno, I was born with them."
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I’m reading a book called ‘The History of Glue’. Honestly, I can’t put it down.
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So I took my dog to the vets & asked “What’s best to feed him on, a can of Pedigree Chum or a bone?” The vet asked “What’s your dogs name?”. I answered “Nick knack paddy whack”.
You're gonna have to put me put of my misery with these dog ones, someone.....
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In fact, it's just dropped lol.
What was the other one, eye eye eye oh?
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A bloke walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't think it's in yet."
"Yeah, that's the one"
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The same bloke said ‘have you got any thrillers set in the world of horse racing?’
‘Do you like Dick Francis?’
‘That’s none of your business, and my name’s not Francis!’
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Why do cats never answer their mobiles?
Because they're always on mewt.
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I met a bloke called Ian Tevvy the other day. He said his brother was the lead singer with the Hollies.
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I asked an elderly man why he was using two huge frozen chips as walking sticks.
He said: “They’re McCains!”
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Researchers say humans eat more bananas than monkeys. I know, I’ve never eaten a monkey, only their nuts.
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I bought one of Elton John's old cars recently.
It was an X Reg.
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A bloke walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't think it's in yet."
"Yeah, that's the one"
Have you got any books on Paranoia?
They are behind you..
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My four-year-old grandson can't say Please in Spanish.....
That's poor for four.
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A mate of mine said he was gonna buy me one of those folk guitarist/comedy song albums that were popular in the 70s.
He said: "When I went to pay for it I couldn't get my card in, so I got you Jasper Carrott instead."
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Scawsby Steve asked his hairdresser what cut would make him look better looking.
She said "A power cut."
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A mate of mine said he was gonna buy me one of those folk guitarist/comedy song albums that were popular in the 70s.
He said: "When I went to pay for it I couldn't get my card in, so I got you Jasper Carrott instead."
I have to say it took me a minute or two but it's one of your better ones
Saw him back in the 70"s at the Gaumont never laughed so much, then again a gew years back now more of a folkie telling a few jokes still very good though
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A mate of mine said he was gonna buy me one of those folk guitarist/comedy song albums that were popular in the 70s.
He said: "When I went to pay for it I couldn't get my card in, so I got you Jasper Carrott instead."
I have to say it took me a minute or two but it's one of your better ones
Saw him back in the 70"s at the Gaumont never laughed so much, then again a gew years back now more of a folkie telling a few jokes still very good though
Which one?
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My card in
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Why did the cows keep returning to the marijuana field?
It was a case of the pot calling the cattle back.
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The steaks have never been so high.
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In a speech to a private school assembly by the WW11 ace Douglas Bader
So there were 2 of the f**kers behind me, 3 f**kers to my left and 3 f**kers to my right
The distressed Headmistress interrupted and explained to assembled students that a Focker was a type of German fighter plane
Ah, that is correct, the Ace continued, but these f**kers were all in Messerschmitts
Not a true story allegedly
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In a speech to a private school assembly by the WW11 ace Douglas Bader
So there were 2 of the f**kers behind me, 3 f**kers to my left and 3 f**kers to my right
The distressed Headmistress interrupted and explained to assembled students that a Focker was a type of German fighter plane
Ah, that is correct, the Ace continued, but these f**kers were all in Messerschmitts
Not a true story allegedly
What a thieving t**t Stan Boardman was.
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My best friend when I was a kid was Andy Zoff.
He was the fastest boy at my school.
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My best friend when I was a kid was Andy Zoff.
He was the fastest boy at my school.
My best mate joined the Police Force when he left school.
He lived at Letsby Avenue.
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If he was a detective it could have been Plane Close, Cantley.
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My best friend when I was a kid was Andy Zoff.
He was the fastest boy at my school.
My best mate joined the Police Force when he left school.
He lived at Letsby Avenue.
And his favourite snap was truncheon meat sandwiches.
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So I went to this night club and I said to this girl, “What’s your name?”
“Chantelle”
“Oh go on”
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When one door closes another one opens.
Apart from that, it's a pretty decent car.
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Pulled my back at work and was given a number and told to ask for Pat (Sick Line). All I keep getting is a female singing "Crazy".
©
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About a month before he died, my uncle smothered his back in lard. He went downhill very quickly after that.
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So I went to the train station and said “I want to go to Paris.”
“Eurostar?”
“Well I’ve been on TV but I’m no Dean Martin.”
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What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.
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I was looking for my cat named “meow”… the wife shouted “he’s on a mat up here”.
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Lord Nelson was approx 5ft 6, yet his statue is 17ft 4.
That’s Horatio of 3: 1
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Lord Nelson was approx 5ft 6, yet his statue is 17ft 4.
That’s Horatio of 3: 1
:laugh: :laugh:
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I was walking with a slice of bread on my head , my mate said why
I said it's my Loaf Hat Diet
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Sat in Costa yesterday and got hit over head , and Laptop and phone were stolen
Told Cops I'd been Mugged
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I drink brake fluid, but I can stop anytime
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Three teenagers were caught drinking battery acid.
Two got charged and one was let off.
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I drink Petrol * to cheer me up .... Currently getting 60 smiles per gallon
* I DONT drink petrol of course
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My best friend when I was a kid was Andy Zoff.
He was the fastest boy at my school.
My best mate ) joined the Police Force when he left school.
He lived at Letsby Avenue.
My mate (genuinely) bought an old Police Station / House and it was enormous .
I always call it Evening Hall , couldn't get him to call it that though
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A bloke walks into a cafe
A cup of tea, please
Milk and sugar?
Milk please and fourteen sugars.
Fourteen?
Yeah but don’t stir it, I don’t like it sweet.
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This bloke said to me ‘Can you tell me where I might find a toupee?’
I replied ‘Not off the top of my head.’
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Just finished reading Agatha Christie's "Murder on the Buses"
Butler did it.
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The first rule of Condescending Club is, well, it’s really kind of complex, and I don’t think you’d understand even if I explained it to you
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My mates not very bright but means we'll, just raised money for blind dogs for the guides
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Otto Nobedder?
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Saw homeless man dressed as Henry 8th in Donny recently
Thought beggars cant be Tudors ?
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A copper stopped me last night. He said, "Get out of the car and walk to me." I did that and he said, "You're staggering." I said, "You're not too bad yourself."
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I entered 10 puns in a pun competition, hoping one would win first prize.
No pun in ten did.
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A police car pulled me over & a policeman got out & tapped on my window. I turned the window down & said “Do you mind, I’m on the phone here”.
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An old mate of mine told me his wife had passed away suddenly. I said to him "God, you must be distraught with grief. What on Earth happened?". He replied "It was Sunday morning and she went into the back garden to get a cauliflower for Sunday dinner. As she pulled it up, she keeled over, stone dead".
I said "God, that's awful. What did you do?".
He replied "I had to open a tin of f*cking peas".
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The worst pub I ever went into was called ‘The Fiddle’. It was a vile inn.
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We had a bit of a panic last night - our youngest son swallowed some Scrabble tiles.
His next trip to the toilet could spell disaster.
-
General Custer was in the fort when his aide shouted down to him “General, I don’t like the sound of those drums out there!” A voice from behind an outcrop shouted back “He’s not our regular drummer!”.
-
Congratulations to my friends Mark and Ruth Norder, on their daughter Laura being accepted into the police force.
-
............ and then Esther McVey said but this was far from an easy decision for me to make as it means relinquishing my role on GB News – in particular presenting a show I love with Phil [Davies]. I don’t think it is a coincidence that when the prime minister looked for a champion for common sense he selected someone from GB News – the home of common sense.
-
A mate of mine lost his business despite always going that extra mile for people.
Lovely bloke, but a terrible taxi driver.
-
Chocolate is vital for our survival. Dinosaurs didn't have chocolate and look what happened to them......
-
My wife - It’s difficult to say what she does for a living. She sells sea shells on the seashore.
-
As a joke for my wife’s 40th birthday, I replaced our bed with a trampoline.
She hit the roof.
-
I have a joke about chemistry.
I won't tell it though in case i don't get a reaction.
-
I have a joke about chemistry.
I won't tell it though in case i don't get a reaction.
Hound, that reminds me of my chemistry lesson in school when the teacher asked “Can anyone tell me what nitrate is?”
I replied “ I don’t know about teachers but my Dad gets double time at Rockware”.
-
His wife came home from work ecstatically happy. She said to her husband, “I won the lottery. Quick, pack your bags.”
He said, “Where are we going?”
She said, “I’m not going anywhere.”
-
How does good King Wenceslas like his pizza?
Deep pan crisp and even
-
A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.
-
The fact that there is A Highway to Hell and only A Stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic
-
The Catholic Church is aware of the bad press it has received in recent years so in order to address this it has set up a scholarship for 100 boys to learn about the priesthood for free.
They’ve come up with a catchy slogan….’Feel the priest inside of you’.
-
Just phoned PC World about my new laptop. I told them a tubby ginger-haired lass keeps appearing on screen singing 'Someone like you'. The bloke on the phone said, "Is it a Dell?" .......I said, "Yes, is it a common fault with them?"
-
Scawsby Steve tried to get into a nightclub the other day. The Bouncer said, "Sorry sir, looks like you've had too many."
SS said, "What? Drinks?"
The Bouncer said, "No! Birthdays"
-
Keep em coming Bentley lad, very funny.
-
I went to visit my wife in hospital. A doctor came towards me & said “I’m afraid your wife’s very critical”. I patted him on the shoulder & said “Don’t worry, you’ll get used to it”.
-
I spotted an albino Dalmatian this morning.
Well, it was the least I could do.
-
I saw a sign today that made me piss me'sen....
-
I went to my barbers today, he said “Short back & sides?” I said “I’ve come for a haircut, not to be measured for a suit!”.
-
We used to have empires run by emperors, then we had kingdoms run by kings.
Now we have countries…
-
You’ve been listening to Jethro!
-
Who?
I lifted this off X
-
I first heard it 50 years ago in (I think) Bolton WMC, on-Dearn that is.
-
I found out today that if you bang two horses together it sounds like a coconut
-
My wife told me “Sex is much better when you’re on holiday”.
That wasn’t a very nice postcard to get.
-
I went to my barbers today, he said “Short back & sides?” I said “I’ve come for a haircut, not to be measured for a suit!”.
I went to Barbers and lady was breast feeding a Baby
You're next , I said no thanks , only came for a Haircut
-
Oxygen invited Potassium out on a date
It was OK I suppose
-
Remains to be seen if glass coffins become popular.
-
Human League singer Phil Oakey's sister Carrie invented the notion of people singing along to recorded music in pubs and clubs using a microphone.
-
Ticket Inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them.
-
Somebody's nicked my highlighter pen , but I will find you and it . Mark my words
-
Our computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually.
It took me 20 minutes to set the cards up for solitaire.
-
My local Chinese vet is trying to find homes pre- Christmas for abandoned dogs with a notice in his window saying “Buy one, get one flea”.
-
I scraped my frozen Windscreen this morning with my Tesco Credit Card
... got 10% off but every little helps I suppose
-
TV presenter Jonathan Ross has been arrested for stealing chocolate and a cooking utensil from a supermarket.
He said, "I had a couple of Twix up my sleeve and it was a whisk I was willing to take."
-
Me & my wife bought a water bed but got rid of it two weeks later. We felt we were drifting apart.
-
I was sick of neighbours playing Christmas tunes , Carol's etc it was driving me MAD so I dialled 999
POLICE Navidad said the voice . I hung up
-
Talking of bad choices in life, I went on TV's The Voice and sang Don't Turn Around.
-
My daughter’s just been sacked from her job as a set designer.
She left without a scene.
-
They eat Panda sausages in London. The lady in front of me asked for two.
-
I don’t mind admitting that I have a few family skeletons in my wardrobe. But every one of them deserved it!
-
Mate composes songs about Sewing Machines
He's a "Singer" songwriter , or sew it seams
-
Mirrors don’t lie. And fortunately for me, they don’t laugh either.
-
My horse was winning at Donny and I was winning a Grand
Suddenly a Pork pie hit him , then a Scotch egg , 2 Cocktail Sausages were slung , then a huge piece of Quiche
He came 2nd and Sporting Life said he had been badly hampered in final furlong
-
I’ve recently been found guilty in court of being egotistical.
I am appealing.
-
I liked Gazpacho before it became cool
-
I’m a bit worried about the caravan in my garden with this wind.
I didn’t have one last night
-
I had a check-up at the doctors today. I said, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life doc?"
He said, "I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus right now"
I said, "I don't believe in any of that astrology stuff doc"
He said, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke".
-
Dave and Jim ran into each other at a bar.
“ long time no see, “said Dave. “What’s new?“
“Not much,”answered Jim, “except my granddad died at exactly 3:45 last Wednesday
and at precisely the same time his grandfather clock stopped.”
"That's amazing!” Dave said.
"Not really,” Jim said. “That's when it fell on top of him."
-
did you know …Big Ben was named after Sir Benjamin Hall who oversaw the installation of the bell because his brother Richard fortunately was sick that day
-
A woman was on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asked her, "First offender?"
She said, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!"
-
A woman was on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asked her, "First offender?"
She said, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!"
Her defence was it was all just a fret.
-
Christ above.
You can tell who bought the cheap Xmas Crackers
-
.A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel after a large chess tournament.
Rather than going straight to their rooms, the group stayed together in the lobby discussing the day’s events and their recent victories.
After an hour, the manager of the hotel entered the lobby and asked them to disperse.
“But why?” they asked.
The manager answered,
“Because I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
-
68 year old woman told her friend over a bingo game that she wanted to have a baby.
Her friend, in reasonable disbelief, laughed at her.
The 68 year old woman retorted, "Well, I have the apparatus to and with today's technology, I can have a baby."
And she did just that. She got pregnant and had a baby boy.
Her friend, shocked and sorry for mocking her, went over to visit.
“I came over to see your baby with my own eyes because I am sorry, but I have trouble believing it."
The now 69 year old woman replied, "Ok, just sit down, relax and have a cup of coffee."
Her friend confused asked, "Why?"
The 69 year old woman calmly responded, "Just wait til he cries."
Her friend impatiently asked, "Why can't you show me him now?”
The 69 year old woman replied, "I don't remember where I put him."
-
Walking into the pub tonight I slipped on some dog shite and went arse over tit in the doorway. Another bloke then walked in and he slipped in it too. I said, "I've just done that." He said, "You dirty bas**rd!"
-
My wife bought me a ‘Universal Remote Control’ for Christmas. I thought to myself, ‘This changes everything’.
-
The Landlord said "There you go Einstein", sarcastically as he passed me the pub quiz sheet......Shows what he knows, I look nothing like The Beatles' manager.
-
The only thing Flat Earthers fear, is sphere itself.
-
I said to my wife “You’re pencilling your eyebrows too high”
She looked surprised.
-
I went to a French restaurant last night and ordered Napoleon chicken for the first time.
When It came there was no meat just the carcass. I said to the waitress: "What's this?!!"
"She said: "It's the boney part".
-
My wife was moaning to me the other night about never listening properly to a single thing she said. Or something like that.
-
I remember once watching Countdown with Carol Vorderman and I got aroused.
Not bad for me that, seven letters.
-
My dad used to work for The Highways Agency until he was sacked for theft. I couldn't believe he would do such a thing. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
-
I went out for an Indian meal last night.
I had a Chicken Tarka, it's like a Tikka, just a little 'otter.
-
Police say that the man who was shot 200 times with an upholstery gun is now fully recovered.
-
A gang has been caught making counterfeit Mr Kipling Bakewell tarts.
Police say they're exceedingly good fakes.
-
There were six blokes kicking & punching my mother in law.
My wife shouted “Aren’t you going to help?!”, I said “No, six should be enough”.
-
I was asked if I liked Horses , I said " Yes" any Palomino is a pal-o-mino
-
Was stood on Scales breathing in deeply and pulling stomach in
Mrs Wolfie said " that will make no difference "
I said it will, cos I can see dial now
-
The other day my wife shouted at me “It’s about time you grew up!”. I stormed out into the garden & went & hid inside my fort.
-
Two burglars broke into a shop and stole 80 cans of Red Bull.
I honestly don't know how these People sleep at night.
-
I remember at my school they had a lot of trouble with drugs. Especially Class A.
-
Apparently the guy who invented predictive text has died.
Restaurant in peace.
-
I went to Travis Perkins and asked for 25,000 bricks
"What are you building?" the foreman asked. "A barbeque" I replied.
"listen mate" he said "you don't need 25,000 bricks to build a barbeque"
"You do when you live on the eight floor" I pointed out
-
Imagine Billy Connolly saying :
What's the difference between Frank Sinatra & Walt Disney ?
Frank Sinatra sings but Walt Disney
-
I went to a paraplegic strip club the other day, the place was crawling with pussy
-
I went to a paraplegic strip club the other day, the place was crawling with pussy
Nine pages,and the first one that has made me chuckle
-
Who only chuckles at fellow lefty's jokes?
https://youtu.be/N5LveBIjg3o?si=1ejap8ZGz_KllJiJ&t=160
-
Who only chuckles at fellow lefty's jokes?
https://youtu.be/N5LveBIjg3o?si=1ejap8ZGz_KllJiJ&t=160
.
Sorry Dave,don't find you funny or entertaining. Never have,never will.
You keep trying tho lad.
Why not call me a troll for that reason you sad,poor fecker.
-
I very much doubt NNK would appreciate your endorsement of his material.
https://youtu.be/TN8V5ltaUoY?si=xgQ97IhB89R0vVVF
-
If people are happy to have their partners, sisters, mothers as the butt of their jokes then go right ahead.
-
Sydnaye, why don't you just f**k off?
-
Not forgetting grandmothers either, so funny
-
Kato, I'm surprised at you, not sure you've enhanced your chances getting onto the Club Doncaster totally inclusive committee.
-
There’s a Japanese company that has invented a camera with a shutter speed so fast it can actually capture an Australian with their mouth closed.
-
That's much better, not funny but not offensive either aye?
-
That's much better, not funny but not offensive either aye?
Sydney, have you ever been at sea or spent time amongst sailors?
-
Just say if you want to join the little schoolboys club club for puerile humour I'm almost certain they would want you, I'm afraid they don't have the smarts to share their 'jokes' by pm aye?
-
For want of a more moderate analogy, this thread has just got cancer.
-
Sydney, what would win in a fight between a Joey with boxing gloves on or a koala bear?
-
This is much better than your fascination of all things rolf harris, sport.
-
When I was just a little boy, I asked my mother what would I be, will I be handsome, will I be rich? Here's what she said to me....
No!
-
A nose went into a Pub and ordered a Pint
Can't serve you said Landlord " you're off you face "
-
My wife recons I'm gullible and financially irresponsible. Just wait till she hears I've won the Nigerian lottery.
-
All my family were police marksmen apart from my grandad who was a burglar. He died surrounded by all his family.
-
I've just made a ventriloquist dummy out of some old carpet.
It's ruggish.
-
I've just made a ventriloquist dummy out of some old carpet.
It's ruggish.
I gloody well laughed at that.
-
l've just found out l have been awarded a Guinness World Record for putting the most amount of clothes on a washing line.
That was a lot to take in.
-
A fervant Catholic lady had 8 children with her 1st husband After he died she had 19 more with her 2nd husband, at her funeral the Priest said At last they are together, at which point one of her children asked which husband?
The Priest replied neither, just her legs
-
Two old men sat in deckchairs. One turns to the other & says “It’s nice out isn’t it?”. The other one says “Yes it is. I think I’ll take mine out”.
-
My late uncle always said:
"The first rule of Theatre is to always leave them wanting more."
Great bloke, terrible anaesthetist.
-
A Man goes into a hardware shop" Bottle of meths please"
"No, sorry" replies the assistant. "I know you, you'll drink it"
"Well that's where you're wrong" he replied, "I've turned my life around, I'm a French Polisher now"
" I am so,so, sorry" replies the assistant "well done, have this with my compliments"
The man picks it up, thanks him, and asks "You haven't got a cold one have you?"
-
Just been to Qatar and local Sheik offered me 40 Camels for Mrs DW
I usually smoke Marlborough but it was still too good a deal to "pass up"
-
Just been to Qatar and local Sheik offered me 40 Camels for Mrs DW
I usually smoke Marlborough but it was still too good a deal to "pass up"
Did she get the hump over it DW?
-
Yes I had to call on the Consulate to mitigate
( whatever happened to them )
-
Yes I had to call on the Consulate to mitigate
( whatever happened to them )
They went to the Embassy.
-
Is that the one on Park Drive?
-
Some of these posts need filtering.
-
How do you circumcise a rotherham fan ?
Kick his sister in the jaw
-
My interpretation of drink responsibly....... don't spill any!
-
How do you circumcise a rotherham fan ?
Kick his sister in the jaw
How can you tell a virgin in Barnsley?
She can run faster than her brother
-
I had my patience tested, it was negative
-
Yes I had to call on the Consulate to mitigate
( whatever happened to them )
‘Cool as a mountain stream’.
Are we getting old wolf?
-
Twerking is what a Yorkshireman does to earn t’wages.
-
Two helium atoms walk into a bar. He He
-
Why did the butterfly flutter by?
Because the caterpillar flashed his pillock at her.
-
The police arrested two youths in our local park the other day.
One was drinking battery acid and the other was chewing a firework.
They charged one and let the other one off.
-
My neighbour threw milk, butter & eggs at me. How dairy.
-
My local indian restaurant was robbed last night. Several staff were hurt, the manager is in a Korma.
-
Don't you just hate it when someone answers their own questions?
I know I do.
-
People in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but those in Abu Dhabi Do.
-
Wayne Rooney's house has been burgled and his library ransacked.
He's very upset because he hadn't finished colouring some of them in
-
‘Boo’ is Aboriginal for ‘come back’.
That’s why when you throw an ordinary meringue……
-
I have a friend who reads 2 to 3 books a week, works out twice a day, has no financial worries, and has people who want to have sex with him all the time. And yet he constantly complains about how much he hates prison.
-
My psychiatrist says I have trouble verbalising my emotions.
I can't say I'm surprised.
-
So what if you can't spell Armageddon, it's not the end of the world.
-
Abracadabra, now there's a word to conjure with
-
A lad in my class told the teacher that he struggled to say words that had an f, t and h in them
The teacher replied “well you can’t say fairer than that then”.
-
My wife ran off with my best friend John yesterday
Since when has John been your best friend?
Since yesterday
-
Asked my doctor if he could give me something for wind. He gave me a kite!
-
What do call a chicken in a shellsuit?
An egg
-
A man walks into a cafe.
The waitress comes over and asks "What would you like?"
"I'd love a quicky" he replies. She slaps his face and storms off.
The woman on the next table leans over and whispers " It's pronounced quiche"
-
I asked for a wake-up call at a Premier Inn before going to bed the other week.
The receptionist said, "You're an alcoholic and you're killing yourself."
-
When I got home earlier, I found a large manilla envelope on my door mat.
On it was a sticker saying:
DO NOT BEND!
I still haven't worked-out how I'm going to pick it up.
-
I never apologise.
Sorry I’m just made that way.
-
Something I found out, the word gullible is not in the Oxford English Dictionary
-
What do Rovers do to promotion hopefuls dreams
Wrecks em
-
Did you know that there’s not a single canary in the Canary Islands?
The same holds for the Virgin Islands.
Really, not a single canary.
-
You do realise, that if the two blokes in ABBA were Steve & Dave, 'Dancing Queen' would have been sung by ASDA
-
Chap admitted to AnE with 25 toy plastic horses up his backside. The Doctor said he was fine and his condition was Stable
-
I was in the supermarket to buy some fly spray
" Is this good for wasps?" I asked the assistant
"No, it kills 'em"
-
I was in town this morning & I saw a group of people collecting for Parkinsons.
They were shaking tins which I thought was a bit insensitive.
-
Beware the dangers of wearing underpants made in Ukraine - Chernobyl Fallout.
-
The new fashion and make up shop is doing Ear Piercing 'while you wait'
-
I was up all night last night wondering what had happened to the sun, then it suddenly dawned me!
-
INTERVIEWER: " What would you say are your main qualities?"
APPLICANT: "Well, I lack empathy for people and I've been described as uncooperative, bordering on downright hostile"
INTERVIEWER: " Excellent!, Start on Monday at the doctors reception desk"
-
Of all the bad puns in the world, the ones about German sausages are the wurst.
-
I just can't see me living in a house without mirrors.
-
A really handsome bloke ran past me this evening. I thought, he’s dashing.
-
Newsflash! A man has been stealing wheels off police cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
-
Rumors of a food shortage at this year’s spoonerism conference turned out to be a complete lack of pies.
-
Two guys looking in a car showroom window. One says: "There's the one I'd get."
Seconds later he was beaten-up by a cyclops.
-
Breaking News....
Devon and Cornwall have cancelled their planned joint '60s & '70s retro music festival after a row over whether to put The Jam or Cream on first.
-
Polce toay announce they are nvestgatng a strng of ID thefts.
-
I was sitting by the pool with a sociology student and asked him, have you read Marx yet?
He said yes, I think its these wicker chairs.
-
I was driving the other day and thought Van Morrison was just behind me. Realised that the rearview mirror reverses things and it was actually a Morrisons Van
-
I'm selling my pet python on eBay and some bloke just rang up and asked, "Is it big?"
I said "It's huge."
He said "WOW! How many feet?"
I said "None, its a snake".
-
NNK,you are without doubt the king of one liners on this forum.
-
NNK,you are without doubt the king of one liners on this forum.
Just trying to bring a bit of light hearted fun amongst all the angst in Off Topic. Here's another one
I caught my son chewing on an electric cord, so I had to ground him. He’s doing better currently and now conducting himself properly.
-
My wife asked me to clear the table this morning.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
-
Polce toay announce they are nvestgatng a strng of ID thefts.
A friend I hadn’t seen for a while told me that he struggled to say words which had an F, T or H in them.
I said , you can’t say fairer than that then.
-
A bloke with a bucket of bitumen looked over my garden fence, he said "Do you want your shed retard?" I said, "No."
So he took it!
-
Anyone got any ideas on how to fix a noisy dishwasher?............ I've tried flowers, chocolates and wine and she's still moaning
-
I went on one of those Zoom speed dating things the other evening.
I saw this really attractive woman; early 20s, blonde with a gorgeous figure, so I decided to talk to her.
To break the ice I asked her where she was from and she replied "I love dogs"!
I just clicked the off button - I mean, if she's so thick she can't answer a simple question like that!
-
If you don’t know what introspection is...... you need to take a long, hard look at yourself!
-
Reuters Today: News is reaching us from Japan that a man has learnt how to do Origami backwards.
We'll bring you more on this story as it unfolds.
-
You've got to hand it to blind prostitutes.
-
What’s a foot long and slippery?
A slipper.
-
Our dog died and my girlfriend was really upset. To help cheer here up I went and got another one. She just sobbed and asked “what are we supposed to do with two dead dogs?”
-
In the spirit of Wimbledon fortnight I bought a punnet of strawberries and looked to the internet for the best way to serve them.
It suggested that I halve the strawberries, dust with icing sugar, and pile cream on top.
A word to the wise - pile cream tastes disgusting.
-
Plethora...........
A word that means a lot to me.
-
I accidentally swallowed a load of scrabble tiles… my next visit to the toilet could spell disaster.
-
Autocorrect has become my worst enema
-
I was walking through the jungle when I came upon a lizard standing on it's hind legs telling jokes.
I said to the local tribesman - that lizard is very funny. He replied -
That's no ordinary lizard, that's a stand up chameleon!
-
A cowboy walks into a saloon and orders a whisky. As the bartender serves the drink, the cowboy asks, "Where is everybody?"
The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."
"Hanging? Who are they hanging?" Asks the cowboy.
"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.
"Brown Paper Pete, what kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.
"Well," said the bartender, "It's because he wears a hat made out of brown paper, a shirt made out of brown paper, brown paper trousers and brown paper gloves & shoes...!!"
"Weird guy," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"
"Rustling," said the bartender...
-
Steve Evans walks into a butcher's shop in Rotherham and asks "Is that a pig's head in the window?" The butcher said, "No, it's a mirror."
-
I was sat on the toilet as the clock struck midnight last night.
I thought same shit, different day.
-
A woman approached me In town this morning, and said, "Excuse me gorgeous, can you tell me where Specsavers is?"
-
At any point in time, the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps tonight" is just a whim away.
-
On a crazy impulse I decided to throw out all my socks.
Then at the last minute I got cold feet.
-
Now I'm not saying the Proctologist I saw today had the biggest hands in the world,
but he was definitely up there
-
Bloke knocked on my door today. He said “I’m your conservative representative”.
I grabbed him by the lapels & said “Gerrin ‘ere mate. The bugger’s been leaking for months!”.
-
So!........... Here's a question for all you mind readers
-
Two steps to be a genius:
1, Don't tell people everything.
2, ........................................
-
Did you know Film star Brinner was a lifelong Liverpool fan ?
He never wore After Shave either
That's right ... You guessed it ...
Yul never wore Cologne
-
Great minds .......
https://www.drfc-vsc.co.uk/index.php?topic=154022.msg154022#msg154022
-
I eat my peas with honey,
I've done it all my life,
It makes the peas taste funny,
But it keeps them on the knife.
-
In snail racing, they once tried putting the snails in tiny battery-powered cars so they could go faster, labelling each car with a letter of the alphabet so they could tell who had won the race.
Apparently, during the trial run, the snail in car 'S' immediately took the lead and subsequently won the race by a clear lap, accompanied by enthusiastic shouts from the spectators of "Wow, look at that S Car Go!!
-
I've just joined the Jehovah's bystanders.
It's like being a Jehovah's Witness but we don't like to get involved.
-
I eat my peas with honey,
I've done it all my life,
It makes the peas taste funny,
But it keeps them on the knife.
I shoot the Hippopotamus
With bullets made of Platinum
Cos if I use the leaden ones
His hide is sure to flatten 'em
Out of the same stable
-
I eat my peas with honey,
I've done it all my life,
It makes the peas taste funny,
But it keeps them on the knife.
I remember that from school.
Ogden Nash.
-
I remember both from the same book. Just the 2 of them though
-
Here's another....
I give you now Professor Twist,
A conscientious scientist,
Trustees exclaimed, "He never bungles!"
And sent him off to distant jungles.
Camped on a tropic riverside,
One day he missed his loving bride.
She had, the guide informed him later,
Been eaten by an alligator.
Professor Twist could not but smile.
"You mean," he said, "a crocodile."
-
I checked into a hotel recently; to my surprise, there was a bat and two cricket balls on the bed. I opened the window and the bat flew out. Can’t find the rest of the cricket.
-
My wife left me because of my obsession with cricket. To be honest, it’s really knocked me for six.
-
Overheard in the vets....
About your cat Mr Schrödinger, I have good news and bad news.
-
A big-city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Wales.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The lawyer responded,
- "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied,
- "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said,
"I am one of the best trial lawyers in London and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said,
- "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Wales. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'
The lawyer asked,
- "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied,
- "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.
He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said,
- "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said,
- "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
-
A big-city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Wales.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The lawyer responded,
- "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied,
- "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said,
"I am one of the best trial lawyers in London and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said,
- "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Wales. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'
The lawyer asked,
- "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied,
- "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.
He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said,
- "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said,
- "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
Hahahahaha. Well done, NNK. I may disagree with you on certain things, but your jokes brighten up this off-topic, which is becoming really toxic at the moment.
-
My wife left me because of my obsession with cricket. To be honest, it’s really knocked me for six.
Well she obviously set Boundaries and I bet you made a slip up and made a Silly Point
Creased me up anyway
-
Here's one for all the oldies on here....
Why have Elephants got big ears?
Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom.
-
I think my wife is cheating on me.
She said, "I'm going down the shops."
I said, " How long will you be?"
She said, "An hour max."
My names Simon!
-
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet’s, when they struck up a conversation.
The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said: “So, why are you here?”
The yellow Lab replied: “I’m a pisser. I piss on everything….the sofa, the curtains, the cat and the kids.
But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner’s bed..”
The black Lab said: “So what’s the vet going to do?”
“Gonna cut my nuts off,” came the replies the yellow Lab. “They reckon it’ll calm me down.”
The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked: “So, why are you here?”
The Black Lab said: “I’m a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees. I dig just for the hell of it..
When I’m inside, I dig up the carpets, but I went over the line last night, when I dug a great big hole in my owners’ couch.”
“So what are they going to do to you ? ” the Yellow Lab inquired.
“Looks like I’m losing my nuts too,” the dejected Black Lab said.
The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked: “Why are you here?”
“I’m a humper,” said the Great Dane. “I’ll hump anything. I’ll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts; I want to hump everything I see.”
Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn’t help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away..”
The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said: “So, it’s nuts off for you too, huh?”
The Great Dane said: “No. Apparently I’m here to get my nails clipped!”
-
I see that corduroy pillow cases are making the headlines.
-
I know everything there is to know about cars. For example. I can look at any car’s headlights & tell you which way it’s heading.
-
The Lone Ranger and Tonto ride up to the edge of town. The Lone Ranger says to Tonto...
"OK, Tonto, you stay here, and I'll ride into town."
Tonto says, "Why it always that way round, Kemosabe? Why not other way round for once?"
The Lone Ranger says, "OK, Tonto, seems fair, I'll ride into town and you stay here."
-
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had a car. Nowadays everyone owns a car but only the rich own horses.
The stables have turned.
-
The Lone Ranger sees Tonto lying with his ear to the ground so he rides over, gets off Silver & says “What is it Tonto?”
Tonto says “ Wagon with four horses. Front two horses brown, one lame in front leg……left front leg. Back two horses one black one grey. Driver wearing red neck kerchief.”
“Wow old friend” says the Lone Ranger, “You have many skills handed down to you from your tribe but tell me, how can you be so sure of all those descriptions just by lying there with your ear to the ground?”.
Tonto replies “Wagon ran over head”.
-
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding across the plains...
Tonto stops suddenly, climbs down, and puts his ear to the ground.
Lone Ranger waits a few minutes, then asks Tonto, "What is it?"
"Buffalo come," Tonto replied.
"How can you tell?"
"Ear sticky."
-
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent set up, both men fell asleep.
A few hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger.
"Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what do you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies "I see a beautiful clear sky with millions of stars".
"What does that tell you?" Asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger looks at the sky and ponders for a minute.
"From an astrological sense, it tells me there are hundreds of thousands if not millions of galaxies in our universe and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise it looks like it's about three in the morning. Meteorologically it looks like it's going to be a beautiful day.
What does it tell you, Tonto?"
"That you are dumber than buffalo shit!!! It means someone stole our tent!!!"
-
And my all time favourite LR&T joke....
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do. Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know you left your Injun running!"
-
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are trapped on a mountain.
"There's 1,000 screaming Sioux to the north of us, 1,500 angry Apache to the west, 2,000 crazed Cherokee to the east, and 2,500 pissed-off Pima to the south", says the Lone Ranger. "We're in a real pickle here, friend, what are we going to do?"
"What do you mean 'we', paleface?"
-
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were trying to ride up a steep mountain, but with the shale and loose gravel Silver and Scout just couldn't make it. The Lone Range tells Tonto 'Tie Scout to that bush, and climb up here behind me'. Tonto, confused but ever faithful, ties up his horse, climbs up behind Lone Ranger's saddle, and this time Silver has no problem at all climbing up the mountain.
The Lone Ranger ties Silver to a tree at the top, and he and Tonto walk back down the mountain to get Scout. Tonto unties the horse, jumps in the saddle, and tells Lone Ranger 'Now, Kemosabe, you climb up behind me.' The Lone Ranger tells him 'It doesn't work that way Tonto, YOU have to be behind the saddle.' Tonto says 'Why that, Kemosabe?' The Lone Ranger shakes his head pityingly, and says 'Don't you know anything Tonto? It's common knowledge you get better traction with the Injun in the rear.'
-
Back on the one liners.
Never pick a fight with an ugly bloke. He has nothing to lose.
-
I’ve been a fan of gazpacho soup since before it was cool.
-
I found out what a vanishing point is today. That put everything in perspective.
-
I didn't keep up my subscription to our local Scrabble club............
they've now started sending me threatening letters...
-
Charlie Sheen is American.
Michael Sheen is British.
Mr Sheen is Polish.
-
A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic. He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total grade. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the grade." The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the exhaust manifold."
-
I’ve recently learned how to play the harmonica. I drive my car as fast as I can, put my window down & hold the harmonica out of it.
-
I was once so poor I couldn't afford to pay my electricity bill. Those were the darkest days of my life!
-
Bad news, my morbidly obese parrot died today. It's sad, but a weight off my shoulders.....
-
I’m an atheist. Part of a non-prophet organisation.
-
People are shocked when they find out how bad an electrician I am.
-
Terrible accident whilst playing Peek a Boo with my Granddaughter.
She's in the I.C.U.
-
A man’s best friend outside of a dog is a book. A book inside of a dog is very dark.
-
The only thing I’ve got planned today is to collect my new glasses.
Then I’ll see what happens.
-
My internet went down yesterday. Bloody next-door neighbour hasn't paid his bill again, the tight git.
-
When you have to slam on your brakes, your life is in your foot’s hands.
-
I spent ages trying to work out how to fasten the seatbelt in the back of my wife's car the other day.
Then it just clicked.
-
Just been talking to Bruce Lee's daughter, Simone. She works in the mobile phone shop in Bentley.
-
Have you ever noticed that Joe Biden’s wife’s lips never move when he is speaking?
-
Just been talking to Bruce Lee's daughter, Simone. She works in the mobile phone shop in Bentley.
That's funny, I've just been talking to Bruce Lee's daughter that Sting sang about - Solone.
-
I always wanted to walk into a Specsavers & ask for a pound of minced beef & two lamb chops.
-
Henry the Eighth’s second wife would never rush into a room.
She'd just amble in.
-
My mates and I used to be into snail racing. I thought mine would go faster if I removed its shell but if anything that just made it more sluggish.
-
The manager of my local pillow factory was in a dispute with the mill owner next door who kept pinching his feathers and pouring them into the mill.
I said "Don't let the bas**rd grind your down."
-
Apparently Ryan Air are going to start charging for emotional baggage.
-
L**ds United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead.
-
Went to the doctor’s this morning.
He said, “let’s talk about your weight”
I said, “yes, nearly half a bloody hour”.
-
Now that I’ve sold off my entire Dusty Springfield record collection, I just don’t know what to do with my shelf
-
Window cleaner woke me up this morning, screaming and shouting.........he'd completely lost his rag
-
Yesterday, my wife asked me to pass her some lip balm but I accidentally gave her the super glue. Would you believe, she's still not talking to me.
-
During a tour of HMS Victory, a French visitor asked "Are those the cannon balls that were fired in the battle of Trafalgar?"
The tour guide replied "No Madame, your navy still has those".
-
I've had the worst day ever. I paid a joiner to build me a double bed and he's done a bunk.
It's just one thing on top of another.
-
A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load.
Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.
-
My wife and I have just bought some shares in a company that makes replacement hips & knees.
It's a joint investment...!
-
Seeing as we all need to do our bit for the planet. I’ve just unplugged a row of electric cars no one was using.
-
My best friend got conned after marrying an electrician... It all started when he promised her the earth!
-
And then there was the night
I was having dinner with
Garry Kasparov and there was a checkered tablecloth.
It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
-
A dung beetle walks into a bar and says, " Is that stool taken"?
-
A dung beetle walks into a bar and says, " Is that stool taken"?
That reminds me of the 2 flies on a turd. One of them farted, and the other one said "Do you mind, when I'm eating?"
-
I strained my back today getting a bottle of water out the fridge. I should have been more careful knowing it was an Evian...!!
-
I strained my back today getting a bottle of water out the fridge. I should have been more careful knowing it was an Evian...!!
If it was LaVie water it could be said you're taking the piss.
-
I thought I should inform you that after ten years as chairman of the Ladder Appreciation Society, I'm finally stepping down
-
the changes have been rung in
-
Who is stepping up?
-
* It's going to be foggy tonight
* It's going to be foggy tonight
* It's going to be foggy tonight
* It's going to be foggy tonight
! You have: 4 mist messages.
-
I think it's disgraceful that, after 50 years, people still don't know who Neil Armstrong is or the type of trumpet he played.
-
Wasn't he the bloke who got the inspiration to write "What A Wonderful World" as he looked down on Earth from the Moon?
-
Wasn't he the bloke who got the inspiration to write "What A Wonderful World" as he looked down on Earth from the Moon?
Yep, that’s him.
Same bloke who went on to play for Spurs and Northern Ireland
-
I know I joke a lot in my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck. I have a meeting at the bank later and if it's a success I will be out of debt and own everything I have now. I'm so excited I can barely put on my ski mask...
-
I wish they'd stop playing bloody Disney songs in the gents, I've just zippered me do dah.
-
I commented to my wife that she was plucking her eye brows into a shape that was too high in the middle. She looked surprised.
-
Who famously claimed to "Float like a butterfly, sting like a Bee?
Answers below, quoting "Muhammad Ali competition."
-
I was in an Indian restaurant & the waiter came up & said “Curry ok?” I said “I might sing when I’m finished”.
-
Everything is made abroad, I just bought a radio on the box it said Built In Antenna, I don't even know where that is
-
Former Guns & Roses singer Axl Rose now works as a driver for Amazon. He had a parcel to deliver to the manager's office at Rotherham United's New York Stadium.
..... It brought back fond memories as he knocked on Evans' door.
-
I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died – which was lucky really, because he trod on a landmine.
-
I remember going to see my Father.
"Dad" I said "you've got a suppository stuck behind your ear"
" I wondered where my hearing aid was" he replied
-
Aliens visit Earth. They come in peace and surprisingly , they speak English.
Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors. When it’s the Pope’s turn, he asks: “Do you know about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?”
“You mean JC?”, responds the alien. “Yeah, we know him! He’s the greatest, isn’t he? He swings by every year to make sure that we are doing ok”.
Surprised, the pope follows up with: “He visits every year?! It’s been over two millennia and we’re still waiting for his SECOND coming!”
The alien sees that the pope has become irate at this fact and starts trying to rationalize. “Maybe he likes our chocolates better than yours?”
The pope retorts “Chocolates? What are you talking about? What does that have to do with anything?”
The alien says “Yea, when he first visited our planet we gave him a huge box of chocolates! Why? What did you guys do?”
-
I recently spent £6500 on a registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyway......I had the Vet come and take a look at him. He said,, the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young.
So he gave me some pills to feed him once per day. The bull started to service the cows within two days……. all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ... but they kind of taste like peppermint.
-
I recently read that all dyslexic sheep are also gay – turns out there’s nowt so queer as flock.
-
I can't believe how rude the people at the suppository helpline were...!
-
A man who took an airline company to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case...!
-
I see that Mark Knopfler is reforming Dire Straits to tour with Chris Rea.
Fantastic, I'm not sure about the name though. The Dire Rea tour
-
Woman from Dunscroft goes to the doctors with chronic constipation. He gives her a weeks course of suppositories & says,
“Put one a day up your back passage & come & see me in a week”.
A week later she leaves Ingram Crescent & heads for the docs. She’s called through from the waiting room & sits down in the doctors office.
“How do you feel after a week of using the medication I gave you Mrs. Stubbs?”
“No better, still not used the lavvy”.
The doctor looks amazed & says “Did you put them up your back passage one a day as I prescribed?”
Mrs. Stubbs answers “Well I don’t have a back passage so I put one a day on my back doorstep. And I have to tell you that for what good they’ve done I might as well have shoved them up……….”
-
An eighteen stone man is out of work, he's reading an acting newspaper and it announces ' extras wanted for a Japanese prison camp film, TENKO THE MOVIE.
Why not he thinks, and drives down to Pinewood Studios for the auditions.
He's standing in a line with lots of very thin men as the director walks past. "Yes, him Yes, him and stops in front of our man. "You are a little bit Lardy for the part, don't you think?'
" Have a heart" says our man " I was only captured yesterday"
-
Don’t you just hate pretending text.
-
Just back from the doctors. I thought I’d got arthritis, he said no it’s early onset rigor mortis.
-
I've studied palindromes for so long that I know them all backwards.
-
Our lass just nipped out to the shop. Within a minute she was back in the house. I said "You were quick", she said, "Next door's dog's just gone for me"......
Bloody marvellous, it never goes for me.
-
I’m sick of people complaining about the £10 parking fee, £7 greeting charge and £20 hospitality.
If that’s how they feel they can stay away from our house.
-
I've just ordered 100 bottles of Tippex from Amazon
Big mistake!
-
A man will appear in court today charged with tippexing all the fullstops in books at his local library
He's expecting a long sentence
-
A man will appear in court today charged with tippexing all the fullstops in books at his local library
He's expecting a long sentence
But hopefully, not Capital punishment.
-
I went to the ' Well-Man' clinic at The Infirmary
The Doctor asked me " Does your penis burn after intercourse?"
" I don't know " I replied " I've never tried setting fire to it"
-
Two snowmen are walking through a field and one turns to the other one and says “ can you smell carrots
-
Arrived at work to be told they've found my wifes body floating in the Don. I've got to leave straight away .........
that's not where I put her
-
Daley Thompson, Tessa Sanderson and Steve Cram are all round at Seb Coe's house for tea.
Steve brought the fish, Tessa brought the chips, Daley brought the peas and Seb provided the salt and vinegar. Suddenly there is a knock at the door so Seb gets up to answer. "Who is it?", asks
everyone in unison.
"It's Fatima wi t'bread."
-
My grandson came round to see me last night after his school firework display.
" What did you do?" I asked him " We spent the night shoving bangers up frog's arses" he replied.
I was furious, not only with his actions, but also with his use of the English language.
" rectum", I hissed. "Oh yes Grandad, blew them to bits"
-
At my 'Well - Man' clinic the doctor asked me " Ahem.. Are you regular?"
" Oh yes" I replied " every morning 7.30 shit like a hippo, but it causes problems"
"why?" replied the doctor.
Because I don't get up till 8
-
I swapped all the wrappers around in our lasses sweets tin.
She wasn't amused, she got her Snickers in a Twix.
-
A tourist who fainted on the London Eye is said to be slowly coming round.
-
I cook meals for the homeless, drug addicts, people with addictions to gambling and alcohol, you know all that sort of things
Charity work?
No I work at Wetherspoons
-
Did you hear about the case of the guy who broke into a shop selling electrical spares, and trashed the whole place. The poor owner spent the whole night stocktaking and going through his inventory for the insurance company. At court the judge said there was no assault, but there were multiple counts of batteries.
-
Prince Andrew returned home to the Royal Lodge to find his latest girlfriend sobbing as she packed her bags.
“What’s going on?” he asked.
She replied “All the papers & TV news are saying you’re a peadophile so I’m leaving”.
He said “Whoa wait a minute, that’s a big word for a fourteen year old”.
-
Just got fired by the massage parlour.
Apparently, I rub people up the wrong way.
-
I went to a new zoo today, the only animal they had was a dog. It was a Shih Tzu.
-
‘'It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.’'
R Rabbit.
-
My Mum ran off with the milkman when I was eight years old. Watching them drive away on his float was the worst three hours of my life.
-
Received a text from the wife saying she was breaking up with me.
Imagine how relieved I was when she sent me another text a few minutes later saying 'sorry, wrong number'.
-
I went to a new zoo today, the only animal they had was a dog. It was a Shih Tzu.
We’re now into the realms of repeating jokes & getting ‘likes’ for them!
Isn’t it time we let this topic ‘die of natural causes’ & throw it off the balcony?
-
I went to a new zoo today, the only animal they had was a dog. It was a Shih Tzu.
We’re now into the realms of repeating jokes & getting ‘likes’ for them!
Isn’t it time we let this topic ‘die of natural causes’ & throw it off the balcony?
If you want this topic (I assume you mean thread) to die of natural causes, stop contributing.
It is only contributors who keep it going.
-
I got this letter today;
LONDON PARIS MADRID ROME BERLIN SOFIA COPENHAGEN EDINBURGH.
I hate it when people write letters just using capitals.
-
Percy Shaw OBE invented cats eyes when he caught the eyes of a cat in his headlights.
If the cat had been walking the other way he would have invented the pencil sharpener.
-
For any podcast fans Athletico Mince with Bob Mortimer is great. He tells Dad-jokes whilst doing a Peter Beardsley impression.
Me and the wife watched two DVDs back-to-back last night. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
-
There's a bloke who calls himself Buster, and he's constantly bombarding me with private messages containing videos of the 70's pop group The Sweet.
I can't get rid of him.
Does anyone know the way, there's got to be a way to block Buster?
-
I went to a new zoo today, the only animal they had was a dog. It was a Shih Tzu.
We’re now into the realms of repeating jokes & getting ‘likes’ for them!
Isn’t it time we let this topic ‘die of natural causes’ & throw it off the balcony?
If you want this topic (I assume you mean thread) to die of natural causes, stop contributing.
It is only contributors who keep it going.
You're absolutely right Bentley.
In fact whilst 'I'm on', I thought I'd let you know that I'm thinking of forming a muslim pop group so look out for us. We're called 'Jihadi-Waddy'.
-
There's a bloke who calls himself Buster, and he's constantly bombarding me with private messages containing videos of the 70's pop group The Sweet.
I can't get rid of him.
Does anyone know the way, there's got to be a way to block Buster?
I just haven't got a clue what to do.
-
I went to a new zoo today, the only animal they had was a dog. It was a Shih Tzu.
We’re now into the realms of repeating jokes & getting ‘likes’ for them!
Isn’t it time we let this topic ‘die of natural causes’ & throw it off the balcony?
Blimey, 17 page thread, I can't remember reading it before, shoot me.
To everyone else, keep posting, even if you cannot trawl through the entire thread to see if it's been posted in the last 18 months, I "like" reading em, they make me smile
-
Our lass took up tailoring a few months back, and dare I say she's been pretty awful at it! The worst part is that I've been the 'model' for her designs. She recently made me some trousers, though, and everyone's commenting on how good they look.
It seems now that after a poor start, she's starting to make great strides.
-
I was stopped at the airport yesterday by a policeman with one of these sniffer dogs. He said "My dog tells me you're on drugs". I said "You're the one with the talking dog!".
-
I haven't been able to go to the toilet for 10 days so, with some trepidation, I finally agreed to go and see the doctor.
After I'd struggled through explaining my symptoms, the doctor thought for a minute then asked:
"Are you familiar with faecal impaction?"
I said "Is that the one with Glenn Close and Michael Douglas?"
-
Peruvian Owls always hunt in pairs
They are Inca Hoots of course
-
What is the difference between a bad marksman and a constipated owl?
Well, one shoots and can’t hit …………
-
What do Farage and Santa have in common?
They both visit Clacton once a year.
-
Went into that Timpson shop by Asda yesterday afternoon
I said "I need a battery so I can tell the time"
He said "is it for a clock"
I said "I don't know, that's why I need a battery"
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Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song
But
Chick Peas can only Hummus one
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My wife got upset because I put ginger in the curry. She loved that cat.
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I've just found out the shocking news that our lass used to be a hooker.
She was called Graham and played for Featherstone Rovers.
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Went to see Bill Bailey on stage last week, sadly he had to end his performance early as his wife wanted him to come home.
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A woman in Essex has been fined £12,000 for holding a Botox party, apparently when the police arrived no one looked surprised!
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Do you remember that advert that used to tell us to 'Go to work on an egg'?
Everyone used to get up in the mornings & scramble for one.
These days it somehow seems to have gone off the boil.
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So I said to my doctor "I'm having trouble with my hearing".
He said "What are the symptoms?" I said "Well. They're all yellow. Marge has big hair & Homer is fat."
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If you take Iron Supplements with Viagra you'll spin round and point North.
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Coming up to Valentines Day I decided to buy my Lady some posh soap.
"Do you want it scented ?" the girl in the shop asked.
"No" I replied "I'll take it with me now"
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I once bought a map from Bono and it’s rubbish.
All the streets have no name and I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.
X
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I put this search into Google, ‘Lost medieval servant boy’.
It came back with ‘This page cannot be found’.
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"Mum, meet my new girlfriend."
"You deserve better, don't settle for this."
"But Mum, I love her!"
"I'm talking to her."
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I can’t decide on the correct number of roses to give the wife for valentines? 3,6,12?
Or the whole tin?
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Last night I watched a sheep pole dancing. It was in a kebab shop.
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I just googled missing medieval servant and it came back page not found.
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I just googled missing medieval servant and it came back page not found.
You missed #511 Kato…& you even gave it a like!!
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If ever you’re being chased by a police dog don’t dive through a hoop of fire, run up & down a plank or run in & out of cones.
They’re trained for that.
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I just googled missing medieval servant and it came back page not found.
You missed #511 Kato…& you even gave it a like!!
:blush:
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“Excuse me doctor. If that’s your finger up my bottom, how come you have both hands on my shoulders?”.
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I went to the Doctor's last week with a suspicious looking mole.
He said they all look like that and I should have left it in the garden.
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I walked past a farm last Sunday and there was a hand-written sign at the gate saying "Duck, eggs"
I thought "That's an unnecessary comma".
Then it hit me.
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Two cats had a race to swim across a river.
One cat was called One Two Three and the other was called Un Deux Trois.
One Two Three won because Un Deux Trois cat sank.
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I went to the doctors for a prostrate examination.
The doctor stood up, walked behind me & said “Now Geoff, you may get an erection during this examination, it’s perfectly normal so don’t worry about it”.
I said “I think you have the wrong patient in mind, my name’s not Geoff.”
The doctor said “No I know. My name’s Geoff.”
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Well, what seems to be the matter?
I'm shitting strawberries doc!
Nurse please bring me the cream, thank you.
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Just spent £300 to hire a stretched limo only to discover the fee doesn't include the driver.
I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.
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An American Indian boy asks his father " How do we get our names father?
"Well son, when your sister was born I went out of the tepee and there was a herd of Antelope, she became Running Deer. when your brother was born it was a terrible night, he became Wild Storm.
Is there anything else you want to know? Two Dogs Shagging"
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I asked my wife if I was the only one she has ever been with.
She said yes, all the others were nines and tens.
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My wife's friend is a nurse.
The other day she said "The greatest problem facing the NHS today is Holby City".
Thinking about it, she might have said obesity.
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Just bought a Van Gogh table from a car boot sale. I knew it was genuine because it had a bit of veneer missing.
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There was recently an auction house doing free valuations at a hotel near where I live.
We’d bought an old cottage & in the loft I’d found a painting & an old violin so I thought I’d take them along.
The valuer asked where I’d got them from so I explained my find to him, now getting a little excited at his interest which soon turned to delirious disbelief when he said “What you’ve brought along today is something I thought I would never hold one of let alone two. A Stradivarius & a Van Gogh.” I gasped as the thoughts of Caribbean holidays, yachts maybe even a private jet swirled inside my head barely unable to comprehend his words now as he went on to tell me “However, Van Gogh couldn’t play the violin & Stradivarius was a terrible painter”.
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A womam always has the last word in an argument.
Anything the man says after that is the start of a new argument
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You know the magic has definitely gone from your marriage when you finally get your wife inside the crate & you can’t find your saw.
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Job interview.
"Can you perform under pressure?"
"No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody!"
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I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with umbrellas.
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My mate can only count up to 5, but it’s not stopped him getting a job.
He puts the crisps in bags of Walkers.
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If trump USA leaves Five Eyes ............ will it become Four Eyes?
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This happened today.
I was watching the IPL and the South African deKock was smasing it all over the place.
Commentator said ‘ He must be desperate to get de Kock out
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I had mixed race parents. My dad preferred the 100 metres & my mum was Indian.
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Lou Rawls used to get all the shit jobs.
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I was proudly showing my wife the selfie I got with the band at an REM gig.
I said "That's me in the corner"
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I remember as a kid we used to like dipping ginger nuts into scalding hot tea. I suppose these days they’d class that as bullying.
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What is most common Owl in the UK
Tea tOwel
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I went by the house I grew up in and asked if I could go in and look around. They said no and slammed the door.
My parents can be so bloody rude.
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A woman from Dunscroft went into the doctors & said “I haven’t had a poo for six days”.
The doctor prescribed her some suppositories saying “I want you to put one of these in your back passage every night before you go to bed & come back & see me in a week”.
A week later she went back to the doctors in agony saying she still hadn’t been.
The doctor said “Did you put the medication I gave you up your back passage as I instructed?”.
She replied “We don’t have a back passage so I put them on the back doorstep every night & I’m telling you now, for what good they’ve done I might as well have shoved them up my arse!”.
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Very similar to the one you told on
April 6th oops, make that Sept 4 last year Usher.
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Very similar to the one you told on April 6th oops, make that Sept 4 last year Usher.
I hate repeating myself, it won’t happen again. I hate repeating myself.
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"I have a problem with my left ear."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm definite."
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I went into a lingerie shop & asked the shop assistant “Are these panties satin?” She said “No, they’re brand new”.
-
My girlfriend says that if you love each other, a small penis is not an issue in a relationship.
But deep down, I still wish she didn't have one.
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Me and my mate went to the pub today and I pointed at these two pissed up grey haired old buggers and said, "That'll be us one day."
My mate said, "Mate, that's a mirror."
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My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I said, "You're beginning to sound like my wife."
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Don't remember seeibg this one
And then there was the guy who took some Viagra –
it got stuck in his throat and all he got was a stiff neck.
X
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I thought I saw Michael J Fox at the garden centre earlier, I couldn’t tell for certain, he had his back to the fuchsias.
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I'm a bit overweight. I saw an article written by a doctor that said walking 5 miles a day would help me lose some weight. It would benefit my heart, help me mentally, and, believe it or not help my sex life. My wife nudged me in the ribs and said " go for it"
You know, that doctor was right, here I am 10 days later in Ripon shagging a barmaid.
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My mate told me that his wife was in hospital and passing the time playing Snakes & Ladders and Draughts.
Any Chess? I asked.
He said, " No, she's gone private."
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I’ve been a bit down lately so my wife suggested I tried therapy.
So I gave it a go, and on my first session the therapist asked:
“Do you know the difference between ignorance and apathy?”
I replied “I don’t know and I don’t care”.
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I was stood on the seashore & started thinking about rising sea levels.
A bloke walked up next to me & threw a stone into the waves & I thought to myself ‘We’ll that’s not helping’.
-
I've just been helping Cat Stevens fix his caravan.
His awning has broken.
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After my wife died I wasn’t able to look at another woman for over 20 years, but now I’m out of prison….
-
Free for collection, a couple of Sooty and Sweep puppets. I just want them off my hands.
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IKEA have started doing furniture specifically for lesbians. No nuts & bolts just tongue & groove.
Too edgy?
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Just having a drink and a chat with an old bloke in my local last night.
I discovered he was worth around £12 million and he told me the amazing story of how he got so rich.
Basically when he left school he had little or no formal qualifications but he was good with his hands and he knew how to sell. He knew he was never going to make it in an office job so it was nose to the grindstone time.
He left school at 15 and bought an old series Land Rover and spent a few weeks fixing it up, then sold it for a profit. He then used the money to buy another and so on. He did this a lot over the next 25 years, buying, repairing, selling, buying again.
He eventually moved onto Defenders in the 90's and then onto Range Rovers in the last eight or nine years.
Even during the really bad times he plugged away. He worked long hours as you do in the Land Rover trade, sometimes not seeing his wife and kids for days in pursuit of his goal.
Then his uncle died and left him £12 million.
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Just had my flight home from Gibraltar to Glasgow cancelled. Now I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.
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Just got myself a Corgi. He’s terrible at playing catch, but excellent at reviewing the work of gas engineers.
-
Little Richard helped me in the garden.
He lopped all the rhubarb, he lopped bamboo.
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I asked my doctor if masturbation was bad for my eyesight....
He said, "You're in Halford's mate."
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My mate phoned me and said, "I'm in a quiz, could you help me? What is the second-largest state in America?"
I replied, "Texas"
Thirty seconds later, he sent a message to my phone saying, "What is the second-largest state in America?"
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My dad was christened William but everyone knew him as Will.
That may explain why in WWII, he was shot at more times than any other soldier in his regiment.
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At the height of his Star Trek fame, William Shatner attempted to start his own ladies lingerie brand.
Unfortunately, for some reason ‘Shatner Panties’ never caught on.
-
The couple living next door to me have recently made a sex video. Of course they don’t know that yet.
-
My mate told me that he failed his Aboriginal music exam.
I said, "Did you redo it?"
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I’ve just found out that Stefi Graff has a sister called Polly.
I’m not lying.
-
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she came out of jail, but I was told you can’t end a sentence with a proposition.
-
I once asked Lulu, "What do you call that hole in the ground where water comes from?"
That was 10 minutes of my life I won’t get back
-
Me & my wife bought a water bed but decided to get rid of it. We found we were drifting apart.
-
Banks should do a better job of keeping their ATM's filled.
This is the fifth one I've been to that says insufficient funds.
-
I’ll never forget seeing my wife walking down that aisle.
My heart was beating faster & faster as she approached.
Finally there she was standing next to me.
I gave her a wink & said “Quick, get that trolley over here. They’ve got a 3 for 2 offer on Stella.”
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I wish people wouldn’t go on about their phobias. I have a fear of heights, but I don’t go shouting about it from the rooftops.
-
My four-year-old grandson can't say please in Spanish.
That's poor for four.
-
A woman who injected her 8 year old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody of her child. The child didn't look surprised at all.
-
Welsh police are looking for a group of men after several people were attacked with wooden fence posts..
The public should keep an eye out for the Tenby Four.
-
I've just been informed that my Uncle has left me an expensive antique watch in his will.
I hope it's not a wind-up.
-
Many thanks to those participating in "Sober In October" this year.
Loads of room at the bar!
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It has just been announced that the winner of this years Nobel prize is the inventor of the Door Knocker
-
Just been listening to a traditional Portuguese singer, she had a dog called Fido.
-
I didn't realise the Pyrenees were so knobbly.
-
I was mugged tonight by six dwarves.
Not Happy.