No new signings till 31st January???

[Branton Red]

The following is an entirely fictitious newspaper report regarding an entirely fictitious football club any similarities to real persons is quite possibly coincidental.

FREDSUGAR EXPENSIVE NEWS

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EXCLUSIVE: No new Rangers players till 31st January by Peter Badloss

We can exclusively reveal today that there will be no new players signing for underachieving Fredsugar Rangers FC until 31st January following our latest interview with Rangers CEO Ms Stacey Hairyloss. Ms Hairyloss stated “we have shortlisted a number of candidates for the positions and now will commence a rigorous 4 week interview process to ensure we appoint the right people.”

Ms Hairyloss also confirmed that a number of Rangers under 16 squad had applied for the roles on encouragement from the club despite them publicly stating last week that they weren't interested in the positions currently as they were busy studying for their GCSEs.

As Ms Hairyloss explained “in many ways they are ideal candidates: we know them; we've worked with them; they know the club; they know League 1 having worked as ballboys at the Sellcastle I mean er …. Electric Super Eco something Stadium. The only downside, other than ability levels, is their inexperience. However we've brilliantly solved this issue by agreeing to give each player a Mentor should they be appointed. If the players are signed the recruitment process for Mentors will begin immediately and will be completed by the summer.”

We have subsequently been informed by the club that the Mentors won't be directly employed by Rangers but will just be some random blokes selected by the players who they can phone for advise when they become inevitably out of their depth. In a bonus for the club all the Under 16s have selected their Fathers for the role thereby saving the club on phone bills. It's hoped the Mentors will come and address the whole squad at some point in the year – say when they get to the training ground a little too early one day to pick up their sons.

Ms Hairyloss was keen to underline that potentially recruiting Under 16s wasn't a 'cheap' option “whoever we sign the players will be paid the same salary” she explained “whether they're from the Under 16s or have Championship or Premier League experience.”

When queried on why the selection process would take so long Ms Hairyloss retorted “remember we have to interview each candidate twice, these are highly paid roles and we need to ensure we get the right persons in. Also we have to work around the candidates other commitments: training at their current clubs; taking their wives shopping in the January sales; doing their mock exams things like that.”

Ms Hairyloss was also questioned on why the club didn't headhunt the roles based on publicly available information on players performances as many other clubs do “we have every confidence in our recruitment process” she replied “it's rigorous and detailed and we have had complete success in using it previously – other than last time and oh the time before that obviously.”

In separate news the club have still not decided if they will recruit a Director of Footballs yet. As Ms Hairyloss explained “it's the Kit Man's responsibility to look after the footballs. As you know we are currently coming towards the end of a vigorous 8 month recruitment process for a new Kit Man. We have so far whittled the initial 7 applicants down to 4. 2 of the remaining candidates would want to work with a Director of Footballs, the other 2 believe they could manage the balls on their own. Obviously it's up to our employees what employment structure we go with above their roles so it depends on who we appoint.”

Despite the title the potential Director of Footballs will not have a place on the Board Ms Hairyloss confirmed “that would not be possible” she said “as footballs are banned from the Board Room in case one slips out of someone's hand and damages the shelves in our trophy cabinet. Board Meetings are for verbal communications only not ball games and we do not currently have a vacancy for Director Talking Balls.”

Generous Rangers benefactor and philanthropist June Hillsborough (out donating money to local charities), and Rangers Chairman Goliath Sharp (hiding in a cupboard in his office) were not available for comment.

[Jonathan]

I don’t feel like I’m disappointed that I can’t read the rest of that facetious rubbish.

[Glyn_Wigley]

No new jokes till 31st January???

[PDX_Rover]

A lot of effort for what?