I love my wife but......

[mugnapper]

I love my wife, but there’s one thing that she does that drives me mad.
When she makes toast, she gets a plate out of the cupboard and then butters the toast ON THE CHOPPING BOARD, not on the plate.
She then puts the toast on the plate and wanders off, LEAVING A CHOPPING BOARD COVERED IN CRUMBS!
For decades I’ve reasoned with her, explained that the whole purpose of the plate is to catch and contain the crumbs.
I’ve tried pointing out that she’s creating another job for someone (ie me) as they then have to wipe up the crumbs.
But no, she continues to butter her toast on the chopping board. It’s almost like she’s doing it to grind my gears.

What’s the smallest, least offensive thing your Wife/Husband/Partner does that makes you wonder where you could hide a dead body?

[Filo]

I love my wife, but there’s one thing that she does that drives me mad.
When she makes toast, she gets a plate out of the cupboard and then butters the toast ON THE CHOPPING BOARD, not on the plate.
She then puts the toast on the plate and wanders off, LEAVING A CHOPPING BOARD COVERED IN CRUMBS!
For decades I’ve reasoned with her, explained that the whole purpose of the plate is to catch and contain the crumbs.
I’ve tried pointing out that she’s creating another job for someone (ie me) as they then have to wipe up the crumbs.
But no, she continues to butter her toast on the chopping board. It’s almost like she’s doing it to grind my gears.

What’s the smallest, least offensive thing your Wife/Husband/Partner does that makes you wonder where you could hide a dead body?

Using the tumble dryer when theres no need, boils my piss

[big fat yorkshire pudding]

Absolutely nothing she's amazing (she occasionally reads and posts on here)....

[i_ateallthepies]

We have an old pantry at the end of our kitchen where we keep the vac' the step ladder, ironing board etc. etc.  it has a roller blind instead of a door.  She can't bear for the blind to be left up because it spoils the neatness of the kitchen and obsessively closes the it after each visit but always leaves the bleeding light on inside.  "Oh, I just forget!!!" or "I've only just been in there!!!" is the barked reply if I dare to remind her with "f**king light still on, Darling"

[ravenrover]

Breathing? :-]]

[tommy toes]

How long have you got.....

Just 3 for now

1) Every time she boils the kettle, she switches it off at the plug. She doesn't do this with any other electrical item, just the kettle. So we have to remember to switch it back on again every time. I've begged her not to do it, no luck so far.
2)There's 4 different sizes of gas ring on our cooker. No matter what she's warming up in a pan of whatever size, it's always on the biggest ring, and she doesn't watch it, so 2 things usually happen. The contents gets burnt and stick to the pan, and as pot washing is my territory then, it's a scrubbing job for me, or if it's a small pan the flames go to the sides of the pan and discolour the outside of the pan, and as pot  washing is my territory, then its a scrubbing job for me.
I've begged her to use a smaller ring, no luck so far.
3) When she's watching one of her beloved soaps, Emmerdale, Corrie or the f**king disgrace that is Hollyoaks, its forbidden for anyone to speak, but when it's over and I might be watching the news or summat, she'll immediately start regaling me as to the ins and outs of her latest crafting project.
I pretend to listen then get told off for not listening when asked for feedback.

[Bentley Bullet]

 If I sneeze or cough and don't turn around quickly enough our lass gives me a dirty look. I accidentally belched once and she went barmy, claiming how ignorant I was for not having my back to her when I was "being disgusting."

I followed her instructions religiously, but when I farted she went mental. 

Our lass is so contrary.

[Metalmicky]

How long have you got.....

Just 3 for now

1) Every time she boils the kettle, she switches it off at the plug. She doesn't do this with any other electrical item, just the kettle. So we have to remember to switch it back on again every time. I've begged her not to do it, no luck so far.
2)There's 4 different sizes of gas ring on our cooker. No matter what she's warming up in a pan of whatever size, it's always on the biggest ring, and she doesn't watch it, so 2 things usually happen. The contents gets burnt and stick to the pan, and as pot washing is my territory then, it's a scrubbing job for me, or if it's a small pan the flames go to the sides of the pan and discolour the outside of the pan, and as pot  washing is my territory, then its a scrubbing job for me.
I've begged her to use a smaller ring, no luck so far.
3) When she's watching one of her beloved soaps, Emmerdale, Corrie or the f**king disgrace that is Hollyoaks, its forbidden for anyone to speak, but when it's over and I might be watching the news or summat, she'll immediately start regaling me as to the ins and outs of her latest crafting project.
I pretend to listen then get told off for not listening when asked for feedback.

I have similar issues in the kitchen - my missus always manages to fill the kettle up more than needed - so rather than boil enough water for two cups, she will boil enough for 4-6 cups......what energy crisis!!

She also manages to use the wrong ring when cooking - not so much of a size issue as we have an induction....however, whenever she is burning cooking anything she will do it on the front hob and not under the extractor fan at the back - so the steam and smells fill the kitchen...

She is also prone to using every item available to cook the simplest of meals and is happy to leave the kitchen like a bomb has hit it rather than tidying up as she goes.... 

[mugnapper]

How long have you got.....

Just 3 for now

1) Every time she boils the kettle, she switches it off at the plug. She doesn't do this with any other electrical item, just the kettle. So we have to remember to switch it back on again every time. I've begged her not to do it, no luck so far.
2)There's 4 different sizes of gas ring on our cooker. No matter what she's warming up in a pan of whatever size, it's always on the biggest ring, and she doesn't watch it, so 2 things usually happen. The contents gets burnt and stick to the pan, and as pot washing is my territory then, it's a scrubbing job for me, or if it's a small pan the flames go to the sides of the pan and discolour the outside of the pan, and as pot  washing is my territory, then its a scrubbing job for me.
I've begged her to use a smaller ring, no luck so far.
3) When she's watching one of her beloved soaps, Emmerdale, Corrie or the f**king disgrace that is Hollyoaks, its forbidden for anyone to speak, but when it's over and I might be watching the news or summat, she'll immediately start regaling me as to the ins and outs of her latest crafting project.
I pretend to listen then get told off for not listening when asked for feedback.

I have similar issues in the kitchen - my missus always manages to fill the kettle up more than needed - so rather than boil enough water for two cups, she will boil enough for 4-6 cups......what energy crisis!!

She also manages to use the wrong ring when cooking - not so much of a size issue as we have an induction....however, whenever she is burning cooking anything she will do it on the front hob and not under the extractor fan at the back - so the steam and smells fill the kitchen...

She is also prone to using every item available to cook the simplest of meals and is happy to leave the kitchen like a bomb has hit it rather than tidying up as she goes.... 

I think we may be marrieď to the same woman Micky
Mine has no understanding of money and never has.
When I met her she was in the cycle of :
1) Spend more money than you have.
2) Get an overdraft and spend to the limit.
3) Get a credit card to spend even more money you don't have.
4) Take a loan out to balance your bank account, pay off the credit card and even leave a little extra in your current account.
Then she'd go back to Point 1 and start again. She did eventually get a £15k PPI payout, which she tried to pass off as an 'investment' lol

[turnbull for england]

Mrs Tfl has no awareness of how a dishwasher works, and stacks it accordingly, so it always needs redoing . She also leaves the seat down

[turnbull for england]

I love my wife, but there’s one thing that she does that drives me mad.
When she makes toast, she gets a plate out of the cupboard and then butters the toast ON THE CHOPPING BOARD, not on the plate.
She then puts the toast on the plate and wanders off, LEAVING A CHOPPING BOARD COVERED IN CRUMBS!
For decades I’ve reasoned with her, explained that the whole purpose of the plate is to catch and contain the crumbs.
I’ve tried pointing out that she’s creating another job for someone (ie me) as they then have to wipe up the crumbs.
But no, she continues to butter her toast on the chopping board. It’s almost like she’s doing it to grind my gears.

What’s the smallest, least offensive thing your Wife/Husband/Partner does that makes you wonder where you could hide a dead body?

Using the tumble dryer when theres no need, boils my piss


Piss has no place in a tumble dryer

[albie]

This is the wind up that is beyond belief;
"She is also prone to using every item available to cook the simplest of meals and is happy to leave the kitchen like a bomb has hit it rather than tidying up as she goes....  "

It just does not need to happen, does it?
Grounds for divorce.

[Colin C No.3]

I recently had a bout of covid that floored me for two days, so bad was it I had to take to my bed for 48 hours.

My wife hates to drive. For her it’s a means of getting from A to B. That having been said, she drove to the supermarket, did the ‘Big Shop’ on her own, filled the car with petrol before returning home to carry on nursing me.

I had sweated so much the previous night that she helped me into another bed whilst she changed all the bedding & helped me back into ‘our bed’.

Feeling better by the second day she brought me soup into bed having first propped my pillows up. While she was propping my pillows up I managed to struggle into our en suite.

Still weak, I got to the wash basin & there it was. I could hardly speak. How many times over the years had we ‘discussed’ this!?
She had been, whilst I’d been at ‘death’s door’, squeezing the toothpaste tube from the top!! I very nearly passed out.

I managed to compose myself & as I struggled back to bed with the aid of her arm I suddenly stopped, looked weakly into her eyes & asked “Why?, Why the toothpaste?”.

How I made it back into bed alone, to this day I couldn’t tell you.

I can only draw on that all time old saying to explain.

‘A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do’.

[mugnapper]

Another thing mine does, is collect stuff we don’t need.
A couple of weeks ago she came home from her mum’s with a 20 year old bread maker, (machine, not human),
‘WTF have you got now’? I pleasantly asked.
‘Bread maker off Mum. Unused’!!
‘Unused in 20 years hmmm’ I commented. ‘Why is that’?
‘Mum said it was too much of a faff and it’s more satisfying to make bread by hand’.
‘So why have you brought it here’?
‘I’m going to start making bread’.
Now, I should have kept my trap shut, I really should but I had to get it out : ‘So, let me get this straight. After nigh on 60 years of never having the slightest interest in making a loaf of bread, you’ve taken a 90 year old woman’s property, that even she, a skilled bread maker (farmer’s wife you know), said was too much of a faff to use and decided you’re going to use the aforementioned machine to make bread’?
‘I knew you’d be like this. You never support me when I have ideas etc etc’.
Anyway, the bread maker was placed on the worktop and serious Internet study was undertaken. She even took the instructions out of the box and looked at them. On subsequent trips to the supermarket she lingered round the baking products aisle studying the various types of bread flour you can get.
But this is the important thing : NO PURCHASES WERE EVER MADE.

A couple of days ago I noticed the bread maker had disappeared from the worktop, and had been transferred into the big cupboard where we keep pet food and crap we know we are unlikely to need unless Bartering makes a comeback.

It will probably be during the big Spring Clean when it makes it’s journey into the depths of the garage, where it will lie for a decade or so before making its final appearance at the tip.

[Bentley Bullet]

Many of us have a story that stands out in our life. One that we'll never forget. Here's one of mine.

This is a true story that happened in 1998.

The wife and I had just gone to bed. It was about 11.30 pm. Suddenly I noticed  Blue lights flashing through the bedroom window. I got up and looked out of the window and saw half a dozen police cars parked outside the house. On seeing me, one of the Policemen waved to attract my attention. I opened the window and he said the Printer's shop round the back had been robbed and they thought one of the suspects might be in my back garden.

I got dressed and went downstairs. In a panic I set off the house alarm after forgetting to turn it off, waking the wife up. I got to the back door, and through the window saw several police officers looking over from next door's fence, shining torches into my back garden. By this time my wife had joined me. I opened the door and one of the offices said that in normal circumstances he would throw the police dog over into the garden but the dog had a bad leg! Because the fence was quite high, I asked them if they wanted to be let in through the front door, so as to gain access to the garden through the house. They thanked me and all made their way to the front door.

Meanwhile, as we made our way back into the house to let the police in through the front door, the garden bench moved, and up jumped the robber with his arms raised, in a surrender-like fashion! Well, he was a big bugger so I shouted "Stay there", in a sort of hard gruff voice. Meanwhile, my wife had decided to run into the house and lock the door with me still outside - with the bloody robber!

Well, what seemed like an hour passed with me alone with the robber before the police eventually came through my back door into the garden.

What a relief It was. Well for a few moments anyway. Next thing, the police dog handler let his mutt off the lead and the bloody thing proceeded to chase ME around the garden.

Well, it must have been the easiest arrest in history as the police handcuffed the robber while he held out his wrists, and surrendered in a fit of laughter.

When it was all over and the wife and I reflected on the event over a coffee, I asked her why she locked me out in the garden with the robber. She said, "Well I was frightened, did you see the size of him"?

I drank up and went to bed.

[normal rules]

Overloading the washing machine with both clothes and fabric conditioner.
I’m sick of pointing out that 8kg means just that. Doesn’t stop her stuffing it to the brim with as much as she can. And then wonders why it comes out still full of washing powder as it hasn’t had chance to rinse properly.
Then There is the fabric conditioner. Which states clearly just a capful needed. No, she fills the conditioner drawer full to brimming on the promise that the clothes will smell better. So a bottle of comfort that should do around 50 washes does about half that. And it overloads clothes with fabric conditioner.

[IDM]

Farts like a decaying sewer rat under the duvet, just before I climb into bed.

[Spud]

Runs a bowl of water to do the pots then just walks away & doesn't bother, either wasting the hot water or, more often & literally this has just happened, blackmailing me into angrily doing em to save the waste.
Even better is when she does about three pots while cooking then, as she's serving up, bombs a mucky pan in there, thus rendering the water useless for any further washing.

Great reading this lads btw :-D

[Dutch Uncle]

I can honestly say my wife had no habits that really annoyed me. If she were to return from the grave with a thousand irritating new habits I would be the happiest man on earth, but as it is I have just simply been the luckiest.

Not wishing to put a downer on humour, but sometimes as Joni Mitchell sang you don't know what you've got til it's gone, although in my case I always knew 

I knew because I have known different. Don't get me started on my first wife 

Edit: Before I come across as a philanderer I should say that more than 30 years ago my first wife went off with a new partner about the same time that the future love of my life's partner was doing the same thing (in my case after less than 3 years marriage). My boss was her next door neighbour, and arranged for us to meet. They don't make bosses like they used to

 

[Bentley Bullet]

I can honestly say my wife had no habits that really annoyed me. If she were to return from the grave with a thousand irritating new habits I would be the happiest man on earth, but as it is I have just simply been the luckiest.

Not wishing to put a downer on humour, but sometimes as Joni Mitchell sang you don't know what you've got til it's gone, although in my case I always knew 

I knew because I have known different. Don't get me started on my first wife 

 

That's a very potent yet wonderful statement DU.

Sadly, grief is the price we pay for love.

[roversdude]

Makes me a cup of tea by boiling kettle and putting a tea bag in the mug - unfortunately the rest of it is down to me but she classes it as making a brew

[mugnapper]

Makes me a cup of tea by boiling kettle and putting a tea bag in the mug - unfortunately the rest of it is down to me but she classes it as making a brew

That's grounds for divorce right there Dude.
Even my wife draws the line at putting a tea bag in a mug to make a 'brew'!!

[Bristol Red Rover]

This is the wind up that is beyond belief;
"She is also prone to using every item available to cook the simplest of meals and is happy to leave the kitchen like a bomb has hit it rather than tidying up as she goes....  "

It just does not need to happen, does it?
Grounds for divorce.

Whoever cooks, washes up. Simples.

[mugnapper]

Mine has been going on about getting a dehumidifier for ages.
I've just bought one for her and told her it's her Christmas present and she's gone apesh1t.
It cost £170 for God's sake. That's a decent spend for an Xmas present, surely?
I'll never understand women.

[goalkick]

One of the best and luckiest things in life is if you have managed to find the best.

[mugnapper]

I've just watched my wife butter toast on the chopping board ( not plate, see first post on this thread) but then she's put cheese spread on top of the buttered toast.
DOUBLE UNGUENT!!
Surely toast etiquette would dictate that one spread is the accepted amount of spread  on a toast slice?
DOUBLE UNGUENT FFS
What is wrong with her??