50 Shades of Barnsley

[mushRTID]

50 shades of Barnsley

"Even though he only had one tattoo I yearned for him to fill those lonely hours between Jeremy Kyle and Loose Women"

"As he approached with those pasty white arms hanging out of his Gola vest, his smile told me it was benefit day and I knew my velour tracksuit would be hanging off the lamp shade tonight."

"It was Dwayne's birthday. I was preparing his special tea of Findus Crispy Pancakes and curry Pot Noodle. I would let him take me any way he wanted tonight. His favourite position was what he called The Dogs of War where he took me from behind and played Call of Duty at the same time.

"Our 6 week anniversary was approaching. This would be my longest relationship without becoming pregnant. I thought of this as he lay on top of me making love. His skinny arms straddled my head like breadsticks either side of an orange.

As I rubbed his whiter than white back I imagined every mole I felt was spelling out Braille for I love you" "As I stood in line at the Job Centre thinking of reasons I couldn't work, a sweet smell drifted past my pig like nostrils. It was a mixture of weed, B.O and Lynx Africa. I turned around and there was Dwayne.

Our eyes met and he was soon lifting me onto the wheelie bins behind the Iceland superstore. He had tied up his Staffy to block the ally way so we wouldn't be disturbed. There was a tramp watching but it just added to the mystery.

I knew it was love and my life would never be the same." "My mum had told me to leave Dwayne many times due to the violence but I knew he loved me as he always took his sovereign rings off before he hit me.

Tonight though he was in a foul mood, I had screwed his tea up after failing to de-frost his prawn ring I had nicked from Farmfoods. He picked up the power lead from my kids mega drive and whipped it across my doughy arse. 

It stung but I liked it. I shouted 'again again' so he carried on. I thought my shell suit from Lidl would rip into a million pieces.

As I looked over my shoulder I saw his Weetabix toothed smile. He even had a semi on which is rare as the crack normally plays havoc with his erections..

[CusworthRovers]

Very funny and some classic lines in there.

The extremely crude version is at it says on the tin 'crude' but that is also extremely funny.