stander or sitter for all gents/ladies amongst us

[not on facebook]

so i will not beat around the bush,you have been to your
respective bogs ladys or gents and had yer 'number two'

and as the question states are you a 'stander or a sitter'

when you wipe yer bum.

iam a 'sitter' as for life of me how on earth can you get a clean bum whislt  been a 'stander'.

any 'standers' out there please let us know yer secret
as i just cant think it possible to have a un messy wipe
that does not effect yer bum cheeks.

disscuss.

[CusworthRovers]

For number 1's I tend to go with the mood. For the first one in the morning that resembles a pit pony pissing for 3 minutes and myself still feeling a little drowsy I'm always a sitter. All other times I'm a stander. I sometimes can go free style with no hands when I feel confident in my aim and sometimes when I have a slight semi on, I have to grab the chuff with a tinge more force to make my aim true and most importantly downwards. I always lift the seat and then shake and wipe my sparra and any splash marks off the top of the pan. I then wash my hands and I finally dry them before continuing my adventures.


As for when I'm having a clinker...........I'll come back to that one.

[BLIR]

CusworthRovers wrote:

For number 1's I tend to go with the mood. For the first one in the morning that resembles a pit pony pissing for 3 minutes and myself still feeling a little drowsy I'm always a sitter. All other times I'm a stander. I sometimes can go free style with no hands when I feel confident in my aim and sometimes when I have a slight semi on, I have to grab the chuff with a tinge more force to make my aim true and most importantly downwards. I always lift the seat and then shake and wipe my sparra and any splash marks off the top of the pan. I then wash my hands and I finally dry them before continuing my adventures.


As for when I'm having a clinker...........I'll come back to that one.

b*llocks. You only said that because of what Deb said in the other post about handwashing after a piss?

You just wipe the piss off your hands onto your dressing gown I reckon  

Back to the original post - I shit standing up!

[jucyberry]

funnily enough, I was expecting him to say he could do something spectacular like write a sonnet in the water as he went.. or that he had spent many happy bathroom breaks aiming over the wall for maximum effect......

I always think squatters must have the thigh control of a slalom skiier.....

and is it really true that you can catch things from loo seats, or is that just an old wives tale?

[Sheepskin Stu]

Sitting down whilst releasing the hostages is a very good way of getting piles. The act of sitting on a toilet seat puts your tea towel holder under great strain and if your stools are not of the optimum softness then you have a problem. Many Asian countries use a squat pan which does the job well. I used one in Singapore airport and it was a pleasure.

[Nudga]

Sheepskin Stu wrote:

Sitting down whilst releasing the hostages is a very good way of getting piles. The act of sitting on a toilet seat puts your tea towel holder under great strain and if your stools are not of the optimum softness then you have a problem. Many Asian countries use a squat pan which does the job well. I used one in Singapore airport and it was a pleasure.

Sitting down splays the cheeks more naturally, so there is less chance of your hobnob being barnicled with an excess of winnetry. Of course, it's always a sensible measure to have a security wipe once all potty meat has been cleared from the poo pipe. I find it a tad strange that folk stand up to wipe, it must be awefully uncomfortable and awkward. Also, it displays an anxiety and possible mental disfunction in the poopertrator.

My message is this;

Sit down, chill out, log on, log out, wipe off (security wipe), pull up, f**k off.

[CusworthRovers]

jucyberry wrote:

funnily enough, I was expecting him to say he could do something spectacular like write a sonnet in the water as he went.. or that he had spent many happy bathroom breaks aiming over the wall for maximum effect......

I've got a good powerful aim. I sometimes like to leave my trademark 'Z' of Zorro across the Mrs' back. There's a knack on how to fire with more power, I could show you, but I feel it would go over your head

I always think squatters must have the thigh control of a slalom skiier.....
and is it really true that you can catch things from loo seats, or is that just an old wives tale?

I have to say, whenever I drop the kids off other than at my own toilette, I always wipe the pan thoroughly and in many cases I'll simply hover. I'm rocking like Shakin Stevens by the end of the drop off.

[Bristol Red Rover Jnr.]

I cant for the life of me work out how you would wipe sitting down???? may be something with me being up all night. also i find women (in general) are weeird about goin to the loo in public toilets. my aunt waits outside the door for someone else to open it. she then doesnt touch anything, not sure how, and leaves when someone else opens the door.

[Nudga]

You wipe sitting down by simply leaning a little to one side and then give the old tea towel holder a reach-a-round.

[keepmoatman]

im with BRR how the hell can you wipe sitting ! im a stander  always manage to spread the more moist ones halfway up my back . my tip , were black boxers are turn inside out regulary .

[Nudga]

Standing up to have a shit is just plain weird. The toilet is positioned so you can SIT on it. It even has a nice seat. How can one relax standing up to shit.

[Al4475]

I have to admit I'm a sitter when it comes to wiping - but I do raise one cheek a fraction to make access easier!

However, the most awkward wipes of all time came when I'd damaged my right thumb, and it was in a lightweight cast for a few weeks - I'm right handed and found it incredibly tricky wiping with my left hand - try it and see!  

As an add-on to this topic, the natural progression is 'To scrunch (the bog roll) or not to scrunch!'

I'll admit the first tentative wipes are with scrunched, before a final clean with unscrunched!  

[BillyStubbsTears]

I wonder who the three sitters were in the cubicles at the South end of the West Stand half way through the second half yesterday.

The three sitters having a crafty fag and refusing to answer when I banged on the doors and asked them to get a move on as my bairn wanted a shit.

As a result, we had to traipse to the far end of the stand, and ended up just missing the third goal.

Ta very much you trio of tosspots.

And ta very much to the stewards who shrugged their shoulders when I complained to them. Nit that a complaint should have been necessary, given that the smell if cig smoke was evident even on the concourse.

[Bristol Red Rover Jnr.]

Nudga. We're not talking bout shitting standing up, we're talking bout wiping standing up.
Also a scruncher, but if theres not much left...

[not on facebook]

it defies logic and gravity to stand up and wipe yer
back end after a dump.

christ you must get after wipe after after wipe up yer
arse cheeks.

as allready said sit down and raise yer left or right cheek
slighty to be able to wipe away all day of needs be.

to prove a point on me last trip to hut number 19 i
became a stander and never never again,its impossible.

[CusworthRovers]

I'm going to buck the trend of the 'scrunchers and give to you the case for the 'folder'


Me, it's a bit like origami. I will tear off a few sheets. I'll then fold them into half and half again giving it more strength for the wipe. Never do this without folding, as the fingers will go straight through the paper, especially if there is excessive babba down there.

The folder will give a more clean wipe, as the secret is attacking and cleansing the bum area with a smooth straight true surface. It also allows you to interrogate and work out where the muckiest area is. Therefore you attack that area on the second folded wipe.

I see only anarchy in the scunch. It's would give you no idea of what is happening around the bum area. It would just be bits of brown everywhere, and extremely difficult to fully grasp what is clean and what isn't.

I would suggest the scrunchers on here have filthy undies and are very smelly downstairs. They are no strangers to poo stripes

As defined in the new Oxford dictionary:

Folder = Spring like feeling and lovely fragrant smell

Scruncher = Richard Skidmark, De Mulders smell

[not on facebook]

christ i remember the outside bog at me nan nans house
and the bog paper was cut of bits of yesterdays newspaper,
my god yer ring peice knew about it after a couple of wipes

[CusworthRovers]

That was reality in our house when I was a nipper growing up in Moorends. The outside shit-house. It was chuffing freezing in Winter and the water in the cistern above would always freeze. That's when a shit house had a proper chain to pull, none of these fancy handles or push buttons.

[eastender]

CusworthRovers wrote:

Folder = Spring like feeling and lovely fragrant smell

Scruncher = Richard Skidmark, De Mulders smell

Try using the folder technique with this and you'll end up looking like a friggin Badger.

[BillyStubbsTears]

eastender wrote:

CusworthRovers wrote:

Folder = Spring like feeling and lovely fragrant smell

Scruncher = Richard Skidmark, De Mulders smell

Try using the folder technique with this and you'll end up looking like a friggin Badger.

Aye.

But try using the scrunch technique and you'll end up walking like Marc Almond after a Bank Holiday Weekend.

[Sandy Lane]

Bristol Red Rover Jnr. wrote:

i find women (in general) are weeird about goin to the loo in public toilets. my aunt waits outside the door for someone else to open it. she then doesnt touch anything, not sure how, and leaves when someone else opens the door.[/b]

There's already too much info on this thread, but I'll add a little more.  :-)  

I can explain about public restrooms. This may be a nurse thing, but other women may do it too, like your aunt.  You learn NEVER to touch anything in a public restroom with your hands.  The germs are on everything left by people who don't wash their hands.  So you push the stall door open with sleeve-covered forearm, use the papery things to sit on, to flush - use your foot or tp as a barrier covering your hand.  Same with re-opening the stall door, use tp.  When washing your hands, if the water does not come on automatically, use elbow or hand covered with your shirt or sleeve, soap up and rinse.  Dry hands on paper towels etc, and then use sleeve-covered hand, or same paper towel, etc to open the outside restroom door. Then while keeping the door open with foot, turn and throw paper towel in bin.  Easy!  :-)

Another tip, always push elevator button with knuckle of your index finger, for same reasons as above.  

So that is today's lesson, my dears to keep you healthy...

[Nudga]

Sandy Lane wrote:

Bristol Red Rover Jnr. wrote:

i find women (in general) are weeird about goin to the loo in public toilets. my aunt waits outside the door for someone else to open it. she then doesnt touch anything, not sure how, and leaves when someone else opens the door.[/b]

There's already too much info on this thread, but I'll add a little more.  :-)  

I can explain about public restrooms. This may be a nurse thing, but other women may do it too, like your aunt.  You learn NEVER to touch anything in a public restroom with your hands.  The germs are on everything left by people who don't wash their hands.  So you push the stall door open with sleeve-covered forearm, use the papery things to sit on, to flush - use your foot or tp as a barrier covering your hand.  Same with re-opening the stall door, use tp.  When washing your hands, if the water does not come on automatically, use elbow or hand covered with your shirt or sleeve, soap up and rinse.  Dry hands on paper towels etc, and then use sleeve-covered hand, or same paper towel, etc to open the outside restroom door. Then while keeping the door open with foot, turn and throw paper towel in bin.  Easy!  :-)

Another tip, always push elevator button with knuckle of your index finger, for same reasons as above.  

So that is today's lesson, my dears to keep you healthy...

But all that is a waste of time seeing as though you are washing your hands at the end of it all.    And you must have THE most minging-ist sleeves this side of the big pond  

It's like that new advert on telly for an automatic soap dispensor, it's big selling point is that you don't have to touch it to get the soap out. Does it really matter as you're gonna wash your bloody hands anyway.

[jucyberry]

Personally I think today we are too paranoid about germs, I'm not saying we shouldn't be hygenic,  ut some of the healthiest people I have ever met have also been the dirtiest. Are we infact over cleansing ourselves into ill health? Our resistance to bugs seem to be at an all time low..What ever happened to the old, you have to eat a bushel before you die quote? And heres a thought, did the rabid desire to over cleanse grow with the advent of HIV in the eighties?

[Sandy Lane]

No, all germs are not bad, Juce. What I described is a time honored way to use public restrooms as taught in nursing schools --'cause we're talking e-coli here, peeps.  Rampant in public restrooms, and transferred from hands when rubbing your eyes, wiping your nose or when eating something without washing your hands.  The reason for the whole process is that perhaps before you wash your hands at the end, you do happen to rub your eyes, etc, etc as these are portals for transmission of this germ. Ohh. and hiv is a blood borne virus - not picked up from toilet seats, as y'all know.

[Bristol Red Rover Jnr.]

tis a different toilet world you live in to me sandy.

[not on facebook]

thanks sandylane going back to my point of not washing me hands after i have been for a slash in the gents.