So I was having a pint the other night...

[BillyStubbsTears]

...with 17th century French philosopher Rene Descartes and I said \"Rene, I think that your Cartesian Geometry is irrevelevant to everyday life. What do you reckon?\" He started to reply \"Well, I don't think...\"But then he vanished.

[Savvy]

Billy, was it one of those situations where you just had to be there?  

[RedJ]

You sure it was just the one pint?

[The L J Monk]

I heard that the 20th Century German theoretical physicist Werner Heisenberg was sat close by, but when the bartender asked him if he'd seen what had happened he replied that he \"couldn't be certain\".

[VikingJames]

Tough crowd.

[BillyStubbsTears]

Tough crowd.

You've got to keep going.

Anyway, the barman was a cockney. Fancied himself as being a bit erudite and tended to get a bit over excited when he could prove his intelligence to the bar. So I says to him, I says, \"Who was the 18th century German philosopher responsible for the Theory of Perception?\"

He looks me straight in the eye, veins bulging on his neck and shouts \"Kaaaaaarnnnnnnttt!\"

\"\"kin 'ell,\" says I. \"I only asked.\"

[Savvy]

I was walking through Sandall Beat wood the other week and a tree fell and I never heard it!

[belton rover]

I was walking through Sandall Beat wood the other week and a tree fell and I never heard it!

That's because the tree that fell was in my garden and I live in Belton - about 15 miles away!

[Dutch Uncle]

Sorry but just have to put up the pinnacle of all philosopher pisstakes (with thanks to Monty Python).....

Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
 Who was very rarely stable.
 Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
 Who could think you under the table.
 David Hume could out-consume
 Wilhelm Freidrich Hegel,
 And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
 Who was just as schloshed as Schlegel.
 
There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya'
 'Bout the raising of the wrist.
 SOCRATES, HIMSELF, WAS PERMANENTLY PISSED...
 

John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
 On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.
 Plato, they say, could stick it away;
 Half a crate of whiskey every day.
 Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,
 Hobbes was fond of his dram,
 And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart: \"I drink, therefore I am\"
 Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed;
 A lovely little thinker but a bugger when he's pissed!

Classic

[donnyjay]

I was walking through Sandall Beat wood the other week and a tree fell and I never heard it!

Talking of woods, hear's one for the kids.

There was a grizzly bear and a bunny rabbit having a shit in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and says, 'Do you find that when you're having a shit, it sticks to your fur?

'Yes!' replied the rabbit.

So the bear picked the rabbit up and wiped his arse with him.

I'm available for childrens parties. Just as long as it's not within one mile of a school or council owned play area.

[Savvy]

Isn't Disney World a People Trap Operated by a Mouse?

Is Atheism is a non prophet organisation?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do \"practice?\"

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

Why do they lock petrol station toilets? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Why do they put Braille on drive-through bank machines?

Some other questions that need answers;

How do they get the deer to cross at that road sign?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

If you put instant coffee in a microwave oven do you go back in time?

What's another word for Thesaurus?

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?