Re: The Amazing Fact Chain Letter

[The Red Baron]

Carl Alford is Doncaster Rovers' record goal scorer, having hit 192 goals in only three seasons with the South Yorkshire club. Lean, toned and very pacy, his prowess secured him a £10m move to Manchester United, where he formed a deadly partnership with a young Wayne Rooney.

Now retired, Alford is currently manager of FC Barcelona, where he has led the club to six successive La Liga titles. He is regarded as one of football's modern greats.

Next: Sliding Doors.

[RobTheRover]

Sliding Doors was the band first formed by Jim Morrison and Ray Manzarek.  The band played psychedelic rock with a country lilt due to a sliding steel guitar played by a young Billy Ray Cyrus. Their work didn't receive critical acclaim, indeed Rolling Stone magazine declared in 1967, "They suck ass"

Billy Ray was subsequently ousted from the band,  and the rest is history as the band changed their name to The Doors,  later claiming this was a reference to the doors of perception,  which is a great big fib. Billy Ray went on to successfully father Hannah Montana.

Next : San Francisco 49ers

[Filo]

San Francisco 49ers is a club based in San Francisco with membership limited to people aged 49 and in the process of having a mid life crisis.

Next: Cuban Missile Crisis

[BillyStubbsTears]

The Cuban Missile Crisis was an economic disaster in the early 1960s.

Fidel Castro's lefty changes to the economic system led to a collapse in the supply of missiles. Missile shops literally had bare shelves and people literally queued around the block on rumours that a new supply of missiles was on its way.

The price of missiles naturally went through the roof and the annual Festa de los Missilos, where villages literally fire literal missiles at each other was literally cancelled for the first time since the visit of Pope Gregory the Optical Illusion in 1743. 

Socialism eh?

Next: Karl Marx

[RobTheRover]

Karl Marx is what people from Hull call the black dust stains you get on your clothes following shovelling a ton of coal into your home's bunker.

Next : The Battle of Orgreave

[River Don]

Orgreave,  orgreave, orgreave

It's in bloody Rotherham you know.

Next: Wath on Dearne

[Mike_F]

Wath on Dearne is the only place to win European City of culture three times in a row and is thus entitled to keep the cup which can be viewed in the Wetherspoons near the town hall every Thursday afternoon by appointment with the landlord, 80's snooker star The Late Alex Higgins.

Next: Fedora Hat

[RobTheRover]

Fedora Hat is cockney rhyming slang for cooking fat.  The term has been widely used on Eastenders where Ian Beale has been heard to declare "Aw'ight Shawwon, noice t' see ya babe!  Nah, pass me that gallon drum of Fedowa an'aal wastel you ap a laaaverly spot of bweakfast".  That scene earned Ian a prestigious BAFTA award, which he accepted in his real, posh voice.

Next : Mockneys

[Mike_F]

The Mockneys are widely regarded to be the first manufactured "boy band". Formed in California in 1966, their ineup comprised Nev "Knuckles" Armstrong, Mikey Michaels, Tall Jimmy Scruples and him whose mam invented Tipp-Ex.

Next Up: The last train to Clarkesville

[BillyStubbsTears]

The last train TO Clarkesville was cancelled.

Clarksville was the model town built by Horatio Clark, the Victorian cowhide stripper, shoe maker and philanthropist. He based in on Bourneville, the model village built by Jason Bourne who, whilst suffering from trauma-induced memory loss, forgot he was a spook and believed himself to have been placed on Earth by David Icke to make cheap chocolate for the masses.

Anyway, Horatio Clark used to make sports shoes, but realised one day that the future was in producing snug-fitting, soft-soled waterproof Hush Puppies for menopausal men. When the final sports shoe rolled off the production line, he placed a Golden Ticket inside the box. The purchaser of the sports shoes, a 12 year old called Uriah Klagenfurt from Slovenia won a faintly creepy guided tour round the factory, hosted by Horatio himself.

The final pair of sports shoes are now the chief exhibit in the Ljubjana Museum of Decacdent Western Indulgence, where they are known as the Last Trainers From Clarksville. It is said that the 1990s Balkan War was precipitated by a dream that Slobodan Milosevic had, in which Slaven Bilic told him that if he could posses the Last Trainers, he would be able to get off with the Virgin Mary.

The Last Trainers also inspired an interesting cover version of "I'm a Believer" by Slovenia quasi-fascist techno goth beat combo, Laibach.

Next: The Austro-Hungarian Empire

[Mike_F]

The Austro-Hungarian Empire is a working men's club founded in 1955 by immigrant mill workers in Oswaldwhistle. Old time sequence dancing on Mondays, Bingo Tuesdays and Thursdays, Darts and Dominoes on Wednesdays, Turn on in the Concert room Friday and Saturday nights and Soapy titw**ks in the bogs on a Sunday lunchtime from Slapper Sheila. £8 a pop.

Last nights winning numbers on your mini tote 3 and 42

Buy your tickets now for the meat raffle.

Next Up: Sam Smith's Taddy Lager

[RobTheRover]

Sam Smith's Taddy Lager is a homebrew created from tadpoles marinated in vodka by modern "soul voice" Sam Smith. Smith swears drinking the concoction is what gives his voice it's deep lustre and smoothness. It is also incredibly alcoholic and Smith these days cannot perform more than three songs before declaring "Yer me best mate,  you" at whomever is standing closest to him, followed by peeing up a radiator in  the mistaken belief it was a urinal

Next : thermostatic valves

[Sandy Lane]

Thermostatic valves are the newest in replacement heart valves replacing porcine ones which used to squeal during times of high stress. The problem is that they pump too much blood in hot weather and in cold weather they slow it down like molasses.  The manufacturer says it's all hog wash.

Next:  Achy Breaky Heart

[River Don]

Achy Breaky Heart is the signature dish of the Doncaster eatery - The Four Seasons Restaurant on Printing Office Street. It's key ingredients are lambs heart, beef heart and two scotch eggs. It is apparently Dick Watsons favourite, he always pops in for one before each home game.

Next: Tapatalk

[Mike_F]

Tapatalk is a premium rate phone line for bored house wives inspired by 1970's porn featuring moustachioed plumbers in compromising situations with publicly hirsute ladies of dubious morals. 89p per minute cheap rate, £1.35 per minute at all other times. Calls terminate in Nicaragua.

Next: Ron Jeremy

[BillyStubbsTears]

Ron Jeremy (pronounced: Ron Heremee) is a white rum made in Guatemala from the oak-aged, then fermented semen of portly, mulleted porn stars.

It tastes foul. So I'm told.

Next: Advocaat.

[BobG]

Advocaat. Commonly mistaken for a nasty, sticky yellow, slime that pretends to be drinkable, but, in reality, Top Cat's brother, Advo, now relegated by his alleged 'owners' Hannah and Barbara to acting as feline manager of a very poor excuse for a football club.

Next: A Stadium of Light

BobG

[Sammy Chung was King]

A Stadium of Light-Is where all football fans who are on the verge of passing away, whichever team their allegiance is to, meet up one final time before passing to the afterlife.
The game is not finished until each fan get's a rewind of all the football moments they have seen or suffered through, and also their favourite person long passed away that used to go to football with them, they can sit and eat burgers and put no weight on, you can pick your favourite shirt and programme to take on your journey.
Before that you get to pick your best eleven, you can actually see Syd Bycroft in the same team as Coppinger or any other player that is still playing.

The angels that take you when it's all done, are representatives of ''Club's passed'' into the realms of time, who went out of business.
They show you the proper way to navigate the ladder and tunnel you have to negotiate, and offer no opinions on your team, and constantly have a sad face, much like a Barnsley fan.

NEXT. Steve Evans

[IDM]

Contrary to popular beliefs, the reason why Steve Evans is hated in Boston is nothing to do with any financial shenanigans whilst he was manager there.  It is more to do with their local rivalry with Skegness  - think Doncaster/Scunthorpe, only flatter - where Evans' grandfather famously posed for that railway poster promoting Skegness.

This one:




Next: Willy Wonka

[RobTheRover]

Willy Wonka is the owner of Wonka, the payday loan shark who from time to time sponsor Newcastle United.  Willy started out lending lunch money to striking miners' kids in Barnsley in the early 80s at 1000% interest per day, and has elevated his rates ever since then.

A current £5 loan with Wonka requires the total GDP of Nicaragua to be paid back after a week.

Next : Barnsley

[Filo]

Barnsley is a scientific area especially created to study Neanderthall Man after a male and female were discovered in the Oakwell area of Barnsley. The whole area was evacuted of any species that had anything remotely resembling a brain. The Male and Female were then left to live in their natural habitat, scientist and anthropologists from all over the world come to see these life forms in their natural environment. This pair have been so succesful that they have reproduced numerous times and now the population is over 85k, all related to each other!

Next: Oakwell

[RobTheRover]

"K'well" is a Barnsley term meaning "b*llocks!  Losing to Doncaster again!"

During Rovers v Tykes games "Oh, k'well" can be heard being muttered throughout the Barnsley faithful.

Next : Stairfoot Roundabout

[Mike_F]

Stairfoot Roundabout was a psychedelic stop-motion animation show in the 1970's which featured the adventures of a kestrel with nine eyes, a pink Shetland Pony and a wizened old man who communicated by using the pseudo-word "Thanuz" in a variety of inflections whilst pointing to things with a wooden spoon.

Next: Trumpton

[RobTheRover]

Trumpton was the original ground of football club Dial Square FC in 1886.  The club was soon after renamed as (Woolwich) Arsenal, as a joke.  The club's founding chairman, Sir Herbert Fudgecake QC, thought it would be hilarious to marry the slightly risque name of the ground with a slightly risque name for the club.  Schoolboys in the Woolwich area would snigger uncontrollably at the thought.

Next : Half Man Half Biscuit

[tommy toes]

Dukla Prague became the richest club in the World when sales of their away kit rocketed to 10 million per year following Half Man Half Biscuit's massive hit.
Sadly Nerys Hughes and Len Ganley weren't  so lucky. She had to leave the country following death threats and he was made to retire after the Crucible crowd continually aped the way he stood, disrupting play.

Next: The b*****d sons of Val Doonican

[Filo]

Dukla Prague became the richest club in the World when sales of their away kit rocketed to 10 million per year following Half Man Half Biscuit's massive hit.
Sadly Nerys Hughes and Len Ganley weren't  so lucky. She had to leave the country following death threats and he was made to retire after the Crucible crowd continually aped the way he stood, disrupting play.

Next: The b*****d sons of Val Doonican

The bas**rd sons of Val Doonican, was a ruthless gang of bank robbers, famed for carrying out their bank jobs whilst wearing Christmas jumpers knitted by their granny. The gang were eventually caught buying unusual ammounts of wool from the wool shop for their grannies.

Next: Alias Smith and Jones

[tommy toes]

Just been reading the efforts from you lot while I've been away and chortling my chops off. Some brilliant stuff in there.   
Also looked at the Sheffield United  lowlights and noted that on the doctored commentary the many dreadful mistakes are made by several different players all called Smith or Jones.
Next: The Bottom Three

[BobG]

The Bottom Three - a very fine sight indeed.

Next: The Upper Crust

BobG

[tommy toes]

The Upper Crust Bob G was the moniker given to Bob Gilfillan when he played for the Rovers in the 60's
Bob would turn up for games at Belle Vue in a dinner jacket. He'd put on his patent leather boots, slick down his brylcreamed hair and saunter on to the pitch smoking a cheroot encased in a mother of pearl, foot long cigarette holder. During the game he'd say things like 'Pass me the ball old thing' and 'Oh my what a spiffing shot, What' as Pancho Regan smashed one in the net.
Always the fans favourite, Bob would leave the pitch with elaborate bows to the four corners before taking a bath of asses milk with a bottle of champers on the side.
Next: Moet and Chandon

[BobG]

Moet and Chandon: that bloody pop my ex used to glug every damn time she could get her hands in my wallet! Hated the stuff ever since.

Next: John Smiths