The Best One-liners

[bobjimwilly]

Post em here; something to pick the mood up in this off-topic section. Remember - the worst ones are the best!

What did the Buffalo say to his boy when he dropped him off at school?

Bison.

[GM-MarkB]

That's 2 lines.......isn't it ?

[podrover73]

Cowboy walks into a German car showroom says audi

[The Red Baron]

A horse walks into a bar. The barman says, "hey, why the long face?"

[tommy toes]

There's one thing me and the Duke of Westminster have in common, we both come from estates.

[The Red Baron]

I went to see my doctor the other day and asked him for something for my liver. He gave me a pound of onions.

[i_ateallthepies]

Fella walks into a bar, he says OUCH!!!  It was an iron bar.

[TheFunk]

I've just come back from a once in a lifetime holiday. Never again.

[The Red Baron]

A turd walks into a bar. The barman says "I'm not serving you, you're steaming."

[Mike_F]

Bloke walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says "a pint for me and one for the road".

[Bentley Bullet]

A foreign bloke in Bentley has been shot with a starting pistol, police say it's
definitely race related.

[tommy toes]

Police round here are doing a fingertip search, so far they've not found any.

[bobjimwilly]

I fear for the calendar...it’s days are numbered.

[BillyStubbsTears]

Child abuse in multi-storey car parks. That's just wrong on so many levels.

[BobG]

MikeF by a short head! Plenty of good uns though. I'm still smiling.

BobG

[BillyStubbsTears]

Went to buy a watch. Salesman said, "Analogue?" I said, "No, just a watch."

[BobG]

Churchill must have half a dozen entries for this... What about that woman MP he told, to her face, that she was ugly as sin? Only much better phrased and quick witted than that.

Actually, I've remembered one:

"U-Boats are those dastardly villains that sink our ships. Submarines are those brave and glorious craft that sink theirs".

Always makes me chuckle that.

Bob

[BillyStubbsTears]

Lorry load of amphibious reptiles has crashed in Hull. Police say it's a turtle disaster.

[IDM]

Bob, was one of those ones a bit like this?

"Madam you are ugly"
"Sir you are drunk!"
"But in the morning I will be sober!"

[BobG]

Pretty much on those lines IDM Yes. Of course, it's not not a 1 liner though! Lol. He was brilliant at them though.

Cheers

Bob

[knockers]

I ate a parrot for my tea. It keeps repeating on me

[IDM]

Pretty much on those lines IDM Yes. Of course, it's not not a 1 liner though! Lol. He was brilliant at them though.

Cheers

Bob

More here http://www.goodreads.com/topic/show/478012-favorite-winston-churchill-quotes

[Bentley Bullet]

A lorry full of snooker equipment has lost its load on the M1 tonight, police said there are cue's for miles.

[IDM]

How about the classic one liner,

"Lewis Guy, great in training"

[BobG]

Thank you IDM. I got that booked marked!

Lady Astor said to Churchill, "If you were my husband, I'd poison your tea," to which he responded, "Madam, if you were my wife, I'd drink it!"

Ha ha ha!

Bob

[BillyStubbsTears]

My wife almost killed me earlier by accidentally feeding me mushroom poison. Fortunately, I saw the fungicide.

[jonnydog]

BNAG - That's BANG out of order!!

[BillyStubbsTears]

Barnsley man went to get a golden statue made of his recently deceased whippet. Sculptor said, Do you want it 18 carat?" Dingle said, "Nehw! Chewing a bone!"

[bobjimwilly]

I've deleted all the German contacts from my phone. Now it's Hans free.

[Sammy Chung was King]

''Take my wife, please''!, ''I take her everywhere, and she keeps finding her way back''.