The Best One-liners

[Prez]

2 flies on a piece of shit.

One of them farts, the other says "do you mind im eating!"

[BillyStubbsTears]

So I asked this bloke from Zurich what were the benefits of being Swiss. He said, "The flag is a big plus."

[RobTheRover]

Been done, Billy

[BillyStubbsTears]

Kin ell. And I'd only just made that one up.

[Mike_F]

I thought about becoming a funeral director but it's a dying trade.

[Mike_F]

I was playing poker with that bloke from Fun House last night but he kept upping my bets. He was Raiser Sharpe.

[Mike_F]

Sturgeon and Salmond want to remain in Europe. Is that the Common Fisheries Policy?

[Sammy Chung was King]

'I never forget a face, but in your case i'd be glad to make an exception'.

'He's got a face, only a mother could love'.

'Do you know, you would make a cracking toby jug'.

'I'm on a whisky diet, i've lost three days already'.

'Slowly, slowly, to catch a monkey'.

'Don't let your left hand, know what your right hands doing'.

'Sometimes, it's better for people to think you are an idiot, than opening your mouth, and confirming it'.

[BobG]

Some famous names behind a couple of them Sammy!

Groucho Marks and a paraphrase of Otto von Bismarck I know for sure. Whose are the others?

Cheers!

BobG

[Donnywolf]

Another Marx one :

I would not want to be a Member of a Football Forum that would have me as a Member

[Sammy Chung was King]

'I never forget a face, but in your case i'd be glad to make an exception'.

'He's got a face, only a mother could love'.

'Do you know, you would make a cracking toby jug'.

'I'm on a whisky diet, i've lost three days already'.

'Slowly, slowly, to catch a monkey'.

'Don't let your left hand, know what your right hands doing'.

'Sometimes, it's better for people to think you are an idiot, than opening your mouth, and confirming it'.

Some famous names behind a couple of them Sammy!

Groucho Marks and a paraphrase of Otto von Bismarck I know for sure. Whose are the others?

Cheers!

BobG

The second one, is one of my own, the bottom two are from my uncle, where he got them from, i don't know, the others were copied off the internet.

[Donnywolf]

A mate has just said he is stopping smoking and will now ONLY have a fag after every meal, He's already down to 40 meals a day

[BobG]

The last one, Sammy, is a paraphrase of something Bismarck said about Napoleon III just after he'd met him for the first time, in Biarritz, I think it was.

That mother love one is pretty good. I have heard it before but I got no idea who invented it. If you google it its been around for aeons but even there it can't suggest a point of origin.

Keep 'em coming! I'm enjoying a lot of these

Cheers

Bob

[Bentley Bullet]

Got up this morning and there was a tap on my door. Funny sense of humour our local plumber.

[Sammy Chung was King]

The last one, Sammy, is a paraphrase of something Bismarck said about Napoleon III just after he'd met him for the first time, in Biarritz, I think it was.

That mother love one is pretty good. I have heard it before but I got no idea who invented it. If you google it its been around for aeons but even there it can't suggest a point of origin.

Keep 'em coming! I'm enjoying a lot of these

Cheers

Bob

Sorry bob, i meant the third from last, and second from last, were ones from my uncle, i didn't know that about the bottom one, something learnt, never a bad thing.

[bobjimwilly]

Why do bears have hairy coats? Fur protection

[darren61]

If idiots grew on trees this place would be a orchard.

[IDM]

One from my teenage years:

"If wit were shit, you'd be constipated"..

One when we'd been on the piss, and one lad was taking a leak at the edge of the car park, being approached by the feds, cue another lad shouting:

"It's like a penis, only smaller!"

[darren61]

"I've decided to sell my Vacuum cleaner, well.... it was just gathering dust".

[darren61]

"I've just gotten back from a once in a lifetime holiday, never again...

[Bentley Bullet]

I've just had all my teeth out at the dentist, Never again....

[Donnywolf]

If idiots grew on trees this place would be a orchard.

I would like to a-ppeal your decision ! It a-ppears a little wrong !

[bobjimwilly]

RIP boiling water, you shall be mist

[Bentley Bullet]

"Anyone heard reciting Shakespeare in this pub will be bard".

[Wild Rover]

Some common Irish sayings ( its true ). Not one liners but humourous.

1.'You three are a right pair if ever I saw one!'

2.'How come every time you ring a wrong number it's never engaged?'

3.'Spread out in a bunch.'

4.'Hello, Mary, how's your new false teeth?' asked Bridget. 'I'm leaving them out till I get used to them!' said Mary.

5.'That's my lot,' said McCarthy leaving the dentist's. 'I've just had all my teeth out - never again!'

6..O'Callaghan was getting irate and shouted upstairs to his wife, 'Hurry up or we'll be late.'
'Oh, be quiet,' replied his wife.  'Haven't I been telling you for the last hour that I'll be ready in a minute?'

[drfchound]

When I was a kid I went on Jim'l Fixit.
He fixed it for me to milk a cow in the dark !!

[IDM]

I'm sick to death of all these Olympic athletes going on about their years of hard work and personal sacrifices - what do they want, a fecking medal??

[bobjimwilly]

my dad used to say always fight fire with fire, which is probably why he got sacked as a fireman

[Wild Rover]

Edinborough Fringe one liner 2016.

My father has persuaded me to go on the organ  donor register. He's a man after my own heart.

[Mike_F]

I was in the pub and some bald fella kept poking me in the ribs with a snooker cue. He was a Thorne in my side.