Author Topic: Tim Vine Jokes (Read 24724 times)

Pancho Regan · « **Reply #300 on** February 21, 2024, 02:28:44 pm by Pancho Regan »

The police arrested two youths in our local park the other day.
One was drinking battery acid and the other was chewing a firework.

They charged one and let the other one off.

« **Reply #300 on:** February 21, 2024, 02:28:44 pm »

(want to hide these ads? Join the VSC today!)

Colin C No.3 · « **Reply #301 on** February 26, 2024, 10:17:41 am by Colin C No.3 »

My neighbour threw milk, butter & eggs at me. How dairy.

welloffside · « **Reply #302 on** February 29, 2024, 12:43:19 pm by welloffside »

My local indian restaurant was robbed last night. Several staff were hurt, the manager is in a Korma.

Pancho Regan · « **Reply #303 on** February 29, 2024, 12:51:54 pm by Pancho Regan »

Don't you just hate it when someone answers their own questions?

I know I do.

Bentley Bullet · « **Reply #304 on** February 29, 2024, 02:20:45 pm by Bentley Bullet »

People in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but those in Abu Dhabi Do.

welloffside · « **Reply #305 on** March 01, 2024, 11:16:58 am by welloffside »

Wayne Rooney's house has been burgled and his library ransacked.

He's very upset because he hadn't finished colouring some of them in

Colin C No.3 · « **Reply #306 on** March 01, 2024, 12:00:27 pm by Colin C No.3 »

‘Boo’ is Aboriginal for ‘come back’.

That’s why when you throw an ordinary meringue……

Not Now Kato · « **Reply #307 on** March 01, 2024, 02:27:32 pm by Not Now Kato »

I have a friend who reads 2 to 3 books a week, works out twice a day, has no financial worries, and has people who want to have sex with him all the time. And yet he constantly complains about how much he hates prison.

Not Now Kato · « **Reply #308 on** March 08, 2024, 06:02:54 pm by Not Now Kato »

My psychiatrist says I have trouble verbalising my emotions.

I can't say I'm surprised.

Not Now Kato · « **Reply #309 on** March 11, 2024, 09:04:40 pm by Not Now Kato »

So what if you can't spell Armageddon, it's not the end of the world.

Not Now Kato · « **Reply #310 on** March 12, 2024, 02:50:03 pm by Not Now Kato »

Abracadabra, now there's a word to conjure with

drfchound · « **Reply #311 on** March 12, 2024, 06:03:41 pm by drfchound »

A lad in my class told the teacher that he struggled to say words that had an f, t and h in them
The teacher replied “well you can’t say fairer than that then”.

ravenrover · « **Reply #312 on** March 13, 2024, 12:19:13 pm by ravenrover »

My wife ran off with my best friend John yesterday
Since when has John been your best friend?
Since yesterday

Not Now Kato · « **Reply #313 on** March 15, 2024, 03:23:40 pm by Not Now Kato »

Asked my doctor if he could give me something for wind. He gave me a kite!

welloffside · « **Reply #314 on** March 18, 2024, 05:23:10 pm by welloffside »

What do call a chicken in a shellsuit?

An egg

welloffside · « **Reply #315 on** March 18, 2024, 05:28:02 pm by welloffside »

A man walks into a cafe.

The waitress comes over and asks "What would you like?"

"I'd love a quicky" he replies. She slaps his face and storms off.

The woman on the next table leans over and whispers " It's pronounced quiche"

Bentley Bullet · « **Reply #316 on** March 18, 2024, 07:31:26 pm by Bentley Bullet »

I asked for a wake-up call at a Premier Inn before going to bed the other week.

The receptionist said, "You're an alcoholic and you're killing yourself."

Not Now Kato · « **Reply #317 on** March 19, 2024, 08:42:21 am by Not Now Kato »

When I got home earlier, I found a large manilla envelope on my door mat.

On it was a sticker saying:

DO NOT BEND!

I still haven't worked-out how I'm going to pick it up.

Colin C No.3 · « **Reply #318 on** March 19, 2024, 05:41:42 pm by Colin C No.3 »

I never apologise.

Sorry I’m just made that way.

welloffside · « **Reply #319 on** March 28, 2024, 04:51:43 pm by welloffside »

Something I found out, the word gullible is not in the Oxford English Dictionary

Donnywolf · « **Reply #320 on** April 02, 2024, 11:38:55 pm by Donnywolf »

What do Rovers do to promotion hopefuls dreams

Wrecks em

ravenrover · « **Reply #321 on** April 09, 2024, 05:33:34 pm by ravenrover »

Did you know that there’s not a single canary in the Canary Islands?
The same holds for the Virgin Islands.
Really, not a single canary.

welloffside · « **Reply #322 on** April 23, 2024, 01:47:57 pm by welloffside »

You do realise, that if the two blokes in ABBA were Steve & Dave, 'Dancing Queen' would have been sung by ASDA

ravenrover · « **Reply #323 on** April 23, 2024, 03:12:54 pm by ravenrover »

Chap admitted to AnE with 25 toy plastic horses up his backside. The Doctor said he was fine and his condition was Stable

welloffside · « **Reply #324 on** April 26, 2024, 06:00:13 pm by welloffside »

I was in the supermarket to buy some fly spray

" Is this good for wasps?" I asked the assistant

"No, it kills 'em"

Colin C No.3 · « **Reply #325 on** April 27, 2024, 10:53:03 am by Colin C No.3 »

I was in town this morning & I saw a group of people collecting for Parkinsons.

They were shaking tins which I thought was a bit insensitive.

Branton Red · « **Reply #326 on** April 27, 2024, 07:02:08 pm by Branton Red »

Beware the dangers of wearing underpants made in Ukraine - Chernobyl Fallout.

Links

Shortcuts

Author Topic: Tim Vine Jokes (Read 24724 times)