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Author Topic: Tim Vine Jokes  (Read 50908 times)

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Bentley Bullet

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Re: Tim Vine Jokes
« Reply #480 on November 20, 2024, 09:12:56 am by Bentley Bullet »
Just got fired by the massage parlour.

Apparently, I rub people up the wrong way.



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Spud

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Re: Tim Vine Jokes
« Reply #481 on November 28, 2024, 06:49:49 pm by Spud »
I went to a new zoo today, the only animal they had was a dog. It was a Shih Tzu.

SydneyRover

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Re: Tim Vine Jokes
« Reply #482 on November 29, 2024, 01:54:02 am by SydneyRover »
‘'It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.’'

R Rabbit.

Bentley Bullet

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Re: Tim Vine Jokes
« Reply #483 on November 29, 2024, 09:02:26 pm by Bentley Bullet »
My Mum ran off with the milkman when I was eight years old. Watching them drive away on his float was the worst three hours of my life.

Not Now Kato

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Re: Tim Vine Jokes
« Reply #484 on November 30, 2024, 12:13:03 pm by Not Now Kato »
Received a text from the wife saying she was breaking up with me.

Imagine how relieved I was when she sent me another text a few minutes later saying 'sorry, wrong number'.

Usher wide.

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Re: Tim Vine Jokes
« Reply #485 on November 30, 2024, 10:09:07 pm by Usher wide. »
I went to a new zoo today, the only animal they had was a dog. It was a Shih Tzu.

We’re now into the realms of repeating jokes & getting ‘likes’ for them!

Isn’t it time we let this topic ‘die of natural causes’ & throw it off the balcony?

Bentley Bullet

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Re: Tim Vine Jokes
« Reply #486 on December 01, 2024, 11:43:34 pm by Bentley Bullet »
I went to a new zoo today, the only animal they had was a dog. It was a Shih Tzu.

We’re now into the realms of repeating jokes & getting ‘likes’ for them!

Isn’t it time we let this topic ‘die of natural causes’ & throw it off the balcony?
If you want this topic (I assume you mean thread) to die of natural causes, stop contributing.

It is only contributors who keep it going.

Bentley Bullet

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Re: Tim Vine Jokes
« Reply #487 on December 12, 2024, 12:11:59 am by Bentley Bullet »
 I got this letter today;

 LONDON PARIS MADRID ROME BERLIN SOFIA COPENHAGEN EDINBURGH.

 I hate it when people write letters just using capitals.

Pancho Regan

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Re: Tim Vine Jokes
« Reply #488 on December 13, 2024, 08:20:15 am by Pancho Regan »
Percy Shaw OBE invented cats eyes when he caught the eyes of a cat in his headlights.

If the cat had been walking the other way he would have invented the pencil sharpener.

Reg of the Rovers

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Re: Tim Vine Jokes
« Reply #489 on December 13, 2024, 08:52:31 am by Reg of the Rovers »
For any podcast fans Athletico Mince with Bob Mortimer is great. He tells Dad-jokes whilst doing a Peter Beardsley impression.

Me and the wife watched two DVDs back-to-back last night. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
« Last Edit: December 13, 2024, 09:41:28 am by Reg of the Rovers »

Bentley Bullet

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Re: Tim Vine Jokes
« Reply #490 on December 13, 2024, 11:27:32 pm by Bentley Bullet »
There's a bloke who calls himself Buster, and he's constantly bombarding me with private messages containing videos of the 70's pop group The Sweet.

I can't get rid of him.

Does anyone know the way, there's got to be a way to block Buster?

Usher wide.

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Re: Tim Vine Jokes
« Reply #491 on December 14, 2024, 02:05:26 pm by Usher wide. »
I went to a new zoo today, the only animal they had was a dog. It was a Shih Tzu.

We’re now into the realms of repeating jokes & getting ‘likes’ for them!

Isn’t it time we let this topic ‘die of natural causes’ & throw it off the balcony?
If you want this topic (I assume you mean thread) to die of natural causes, stop contributing.

It is only contributors who keep it going.

You're absolutely right Bentley.

In fact whilst 'I'm on', I thought I'd let you know that I'm thinking of forming a muslim pop group so look out for us. We're called 'Jihadi-Waddy'.

Bentley Bullet

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Re: Tim Vine Jokes
« Reply #492 on December 15, 2024, 02:27:02 pm by Bentley Bullet »
There's a bloke who calls himself Buster, and he's constantly bombarding me with private messages containing videos of the 70's pop group The Sweet.

I can't get rid of him.

Does anyone know the way, there's got to be a way to block Buster?
I just haven't got a clue what to do.

Spud

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  • Posts: 2299
Re: Tim Vine Jokes
« Reply #493 on December 15, 2024, 05:39:42 pm by Spud »
I went to a new zoo today, the only animal they had was a dog. It was a Shih Tzu.

We’re now into the realms of repeating jokes & getting ‘likes’ for them!

Isn’t it time we let this topic ‘die of natural causes’ & throw it off the balcony?

Blimey, 17 page thread, I can't remember reading it before, shoot me.

To everyone else, keep posting, even if you cannot trawl through the entire thread to see if it's been posted in the last 18 months, I "like" reading em, they make me smile

Bentley Bullet

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Re: Tim Vine Jokes
« Reply #494 on December 15, 2024, 06:05:17 pm by Bentley Bullet »
Our lass took up tailoring a few months back, and dare I say she's been pretty awful at it! The worst part is that I've been the 'model' for her designs. She recently made me some trousers, though, and everyone's commenting on how good they look.

It seems now that after a poor start, she's starting to make great strides.

Not Now Kato

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Re: Tim Vine Jokes
« Reply #495 on December 17, 2024, 10:20:48 am by Not Now Kato »
I was stopped at the airport yesterday by a policeman with one of these sniffer dogs. He said "My dog tells me you're on drugs". I said "You're the one with the talking dog!".
« Last Edit: December 17, 2024, 10:23:58 am by Not Now Kato »

Pancho Regan

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Re: Tim Vine Jokes
« Reply #496 on December 17, 2024, 10:56:32 am by Pancho Regan »
I haven't been able to go to the toilet for 10 days so, with some trepidation, I finally agreed to go and see the doctor.

After I'd struggled through explaining my symptoms, the doctor thought for a minute then asked:
 
"Are you familiar with faecal impaction?"

I said "Is that the one with Glenn Close and Michael Douglas?"

Donnywolf

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Re: Tim Vine Jokes
« Reply #497 on December 21, 2024, 09:00:59 am by Donnywolf »
Peruvian Owls always hunt in pairs

They are Inca Hoots of course

drfchound

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Re: Tim Vine Jokes
« Reply #498 on December 21, 2024, 09:06:22 am by drfchound »
What is the difference between a bad marksman and a constipated owl?
Well, one shoots and can’t hit …………

Not Now Kato

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Re: Tim Vine Jokes
« Reply #499 on December 30, 2024, 12:58:09 pm by Not Now Kato »
What do Farage and Santa have in common?
 
They both visit Clacton once a year.

Not Now Kato

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Re: Tim Vine Jokes
« Reply #500 on January 03, 2025, 02:30:30 pm by Not Now Kato »
Went into that Timpson shop by Asda yesterday afternoon
 
I said "I need a battery so I can tell the time"
 
He said "is it for a clock"
 
I said "I don't know, that's why I need a battery"
 


Donnywolf

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Re: Tim Vine Jokes
« Reply #501 on January 06, 2025, 07:11:16 am by Donnywolf »
Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song

But

Chick Peas can only Hummus one

Not Now Kato

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Re: Tim Vine Jokes
« Reply #502 on January 18, 2025, 12:54:39 pm by Not Now Kato »
My wife got upset because I put ginger in the curry. She loved that cat.

Bentley Bullet

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Re: Tim Vine Jokes
« Reply #503 on January 20, 2025, 12:26:31 pm by Bentley Bullet »
I've just found out the shocking news that our lass used to be a hooker.

She was called Graham and played for Featherstone Rovers.

Bentley Bullet

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Re: Tim Vine Jokes
« Reply #504 on January 23, 2025, 11:00:01 am by Bentley Bullet »
Went to see Bill Bailey on stage last week, sadly he had to end his performance early as his wife wanted him to come home.

Not Now Kato

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Re: Tim Vine Jokes
« Reply #505 on January 28, 2025, 04:39:49 pm by Not Now Kato »
A woman in Essex has been fined £12,000 for holding a Botox party, apparently when the police arrived no one looked surprised!

Usher wide.

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Re: Tim Vine Jokes
« Reply #506 on January 30, 2025, 05:22:25 pm by Usher wide. »
Do you remember that advert that used to tell us to 'Go to work on an egg'?

Everyone used to get up in the mornings & scramble for one.

These days it somehow seems to have gone off the boil.

Usher wide.

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Re: Tim Vine Jokes
« Reply #507 on January 30, 2025, 05:39:51 pm by Usher wide. »
So I said to my doctor "I'm having trouble with my hearing".

He said "What are the symptoms?" I said "Well. They're all yellow. Marge has big hair & Homer is fat."

Not Now Kato

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Re: Tim Vine Jokes
« Reply #508 on February 04, 2025, 07:52:51 pm by Not Now Kato »
If you take Iron Supplements with Viagra you'll spin round and point North.

welloffside

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Re: Tim Vine Jokes
« Reply #509 on February 05, 2025, 12:58:37 pm by welloffside »

Coming up to Valentines Day I decided to buy my Lady some posh soap.

"Do you want it scented ?" the girl in the shop asked.

"No" I replied "I'll take it with me now"

 

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