Tim Vine Jokes

[ravenrover]

I once bought a map from Bono and it’s rubbish.
All the streets have no name and I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.

X

[Usher wide.]

I put this search into Google, ‘Lost medieval servant boy’.

It came back with ‘This page cannot be found’.

[Bentley Bullet]

"Mum, meet my new girlfriend."

"You deserve better, don't settle for this."

"But Mum, I love her!"

"I'm talking to her."

[Not Now Kato]

I can’t decide on the correct number of roses to give the wife for valentines? 3,6,12?
 
Or the whole tin?

[Usher wide.]

Last night I watched a sheep pole dancing. It was in a kebab shop.

[Not Now Kato]

I just googled missing medieval servant and it came back page not found.

[Usher wide.]

I just googled missing medieval servant and it came back page not found.

You missed #511 Kato…& you even gave it a like!!

[Usher wide.]

If ever you’re being chased by a police dog don’t dive through a hoop of fire, run up & down a plank or run in & out of cones.

They’re trained for that.

[Not Now Kato]

I just googled missing medieval servant and it came back page not found.

You missed #511 Kato…& you even gave it a like!!

 
 

[Usher wide.]

“Excuse me doctor. If that’s your finger up my bottom, how come you have both hands on my shoulders?”.

[Pancho Regan]

I went to the Doctor's last week with a suspicious looking mole.

He said they all look like that and I should have left it in the garden.

[Pancho Regan]

I walked past a farm last Sunday and there was a hand-written sign at the gate saying "Duck, eggs"
I thought "That's an unnecessary comma".

Then it hit me.

[Pancho Regan]

Two cats had a race to swim across a river.
One cat was called One Two Three and the other was called Un Deux Trois.

One Two Three won because Un Deux Trois cat sank.

[Usher wide.]

I went to the doctors for a prostrate examination.

The doctor stood up, walked behind me & said “Now Geoff, you may get an erection during this examination, it’s perfectly normal so don’t worry about it”.

I said “I think you have the wrong patient in mind, my name’s not Geoff.”

The doctor said “No I know. My name’s Geoff.”

[SydneyRover]

Well, what seems to be the matter?

I'm shitting strawberries doc!

Nurse please bring me the cream, thank you.

[Not Now Kato]

Just spent £300 to hire a stretched limo only to discover the fee doesn't include the driver.
 
I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.

[welloffside]

An American Indian boy asks his father " How do we get our names father?

"Well son, when your sister was born I went out of the tepee and there was a herd of Antelope, she became Running Deer. when your brother was born it was a terrible night, he became Wild Storm.
Is there anything else you want to know? Two Dogs Shagging"

[Bentley Bullet]

I asked my wife if I was the only one she has ever been with.

She said yes, all the others were nines and tens.

[Usher wide.]

My wife's friend is a nurse.

The other day she said "The greatest problem facing the NHS today is Holby City".

Thinking about it, she might have said obesity.

[Bentley Bullet]

Just bought a Van Gogh table from a car boot sale. I knew it was genuine because it had a bit of veneer missing.

[Usher wide.]

There was recently an auction house doing free valuations at a hotel near where I live.

We’d bought an old cottage & in the loft I’d found a painting & an old violin so I thought I’d take them along.

The valuer asked where I’d got them from so I explained my find to him, now getting a little excited at his interest which soon turned to delirious disbelief when he said “What you’ve brought along today is something I thought I would never hold one of let alone two. A Stradivarius & a Van Gogh.” I gasped as the thoughts of Caribbean holidays, yachts maybe even a private jet swirled inside my head barely unable to comprehend his words now as he went on to tell me “However, Van Gogh couldn’t play the violin & Stradivarius was a terrible painter”.

[ravenrover]

A womam always has the last word in an argument.
Anything the man says after that is the start of a new argument

[Usher wide.]

You know the magic has definitely gone from your marriage when you finally get your wife inside the crate & you can’t find your saw.

[Bentley Bullet]

Job interview.

"Can you perform under pressure?"

"No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody!"

[Usher wide.]

I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with umbrellas.

[Bentley Bullet]

My mate can only count up to 5, but it’s not stopped him getting a job.

He puts the crisps in bags of Walkers.

[SydneyRover]

If trump USA leaves Five Eyes ............ will it become Four Eyes?

[tommy toes]

This happened today.

I was watching the IPL and the South African deKock was smasing it all over the place.

Commentator said ‘ He must be desperate to get de Kock out

[Usher wide.]

I had mixed race parents. My dad preferred the 100 metres & my mum was Indian.

[SydneyRover]

Lou Rawls used to get all the shit jobs.