Tim Vine Jokes

[Colin C No.3]

So me & my mate fancied a game of darts, he said “Nearest the bull starts”. He said “Baah”, I said “Moo”, he said “Ok, you’re closest, you go first”.

[Not Now Kato]

Cucumber is very good for the memory. A mate of mine shoved one up his arse 30 years ago and he still remembers it.

[Bentley Bullet]

Doctor: My advice is don't eat anything fatty.

Me: You Mean like bacon and burgers?

Doctor:  No fatty, don't eat anything.

[Colin C No.3]

I was walking past a shop window & a sign in it said “Television for sale £1, volume stuck on full” I thought “Wow, I can’t turn that down”.

[Bentley Bullet]

Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmatian.

It was the least I could do for him.

[Colin C No.3]

I looked out of the bedroom window & saw this bloke nicking the neighbours gate. I was going to shout at him but I thought better not, he might take offence.

[scawsby steve]

The other day I saw a clown giving a nun a piggy-back.

I thought "well that's just virgin on the ridiculous".

[belton rover]

Doctor: My advice is don't eat anything fatty.

Me: You Mean like bacon and burgers?

Doctor:  No fatty, don't eat anything.

I said ‘can I have a word with 4 ‘i’ s’.

This kid said ‘Mississippi’

I said ‘no, I want a word with you, you speccy t**t!’

[Colin C No.3]

Last week I took my nephew to a zoo. All they had was a dog in a cage. It was a Shitzoo.

[Bentley Bullet]

An HGV shed its load of snooker equipment on the M1 today. There were cues for miles.

[belton rover]

So I was in the queue for the ‘guess your weight’ stand at the fair. Eventually, I got to the front and the bloke looked me up and down and said, ‘I reckon that was about 20 minutes’

[Colin C No.3]

The psychiatrist said to me “As a young boy, did your mother ever beat you? “. I said “Let’s get one thing straight. My mother was never a young boy”.

[Bentley Bullet]

What a nuisance, some thick bloke has got our house number mixed up with the Met Office.

He keeps calling & asking if the coast is clear!

[Colin C No.3]

So there are these two goldfish in a tank. One turns to the other & says “So then, how do we start this thing?”.

[Bentley Bullet]

My Grandson is at that age when he's started crawling. You know the age, "You're the best Grandad ever, can I have a tenner?"

[Colin C No.3]

My neighbour is running round the street telling everyone he’s found a hoard of Roman gold coins under a lump of grass in his garden. Lucky sod.

[Not Now Kato]

Peruvian Owls hunt in pairs.  Well, they are Inca Hoots.

[Colin C No.3]

The guitarist staggered off the stage & said “I’m going to whack you with the neck of this guitar!”. I said “Is that a fret?”.

[Bentley Bullet]

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.......I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

[Colin C No.3]

I looked up & thought ‘Why is that frisbee getting bigger & bigger?’ Then it hit me.

[Not Now Kato]

My partner left me due to my obsession with crossword puzzles. It's OK though, I'm not too down.

[Bentley Bullet]

Most people know Phil Oakey is the singer in the Human League but not many people know his sister Carrie can be heard regularly in pubs on a Friday night.

[Colin C No.3]

I was round my mates house & I asked him if I could borrow his newspaper for a moment. He said “Mate, I don’t buy newspapers. Here, borrow my iPad”.

I tell you what. That wasp never knew what hit it.

[Bentley Bullet]

My Dad used to say, the first rule of theatre is always leave them wanting more.

Lovely bloke. Terrible anaesthetist.

[belton rover]

So i met this beautiful girl at a bungee jumping club. I said ‘are you attached?’

She said ‘No I’m nooooooot.’

She was drop dead gorgeous.

[Bentley Bullet]

"The trouble with Quotes on the internet is you never know if they are genuine."

Abraham Lincoln

[Colin C No.3]

I went up to this bloke & said “ Me & my mates have just been talking about you”. He said “You disgust me.” I said “Yes we did”.

[Not Now Kato]

I told a joke on a Zoom Meeting and nobody laughed.  Turns out I'm not remotely funny.

[Colin C No.3]

I rang my local Ramblers Club & this bloke just went on & on & on.

[Bentley Bullet]

I'm playing Scrabble with Midge Ure and I've only got 4 letters left.

They mean nothing to me.

OVNR.