Tim Vine Jokes

[Not Now Kato]

Remains to be seen if glass coffins become popular.

[Bentley Bullet]

Human League singer Phil Oakey's sister Carrie invented the notion of people singing along to recorded music in pubs and clubs using a microphone.

[Colin C No.3]

Ticket Inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them.

[Donnywolf]

Somebody's nicked my highlighter pen , but I will find you and it . Mark my words

[Bentley Bullet]

Our computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually.
It took me 20 minutes to set the cards up for solitaire.

[Colin C No.3]

My local Chinese vet is trying to find homes pre- Christmas for abandoned dogs with a notice in his window saying “Buy one, get one flea”.

[Donnywolf]

I scraped my frozen Windscreen this morning with my Tesco Credit Card

... got 10% off but every little helps I suppose

[Bentley Bullet]

TV presenter Jonathan Ross has been arrested for stealing chocolate and a cooking utensil from a supermarket.

He said, "I had a couple of Twix up my sleeve and it was a whisk I was willing to take."

[Colin C No.3]

Me & my wife bought a water bed but got rid of it two weeks later. We felt we were drifting apart.

[Donnywolf]

I was sick of neighbours playing Christmas tunes , Carol's etc it was driving me MAD so I dialled 999

POLICE Navidad said the voice . I hung up

[Bentley Bullet]

Talking of bad choices in life, I went on TV's The Voice and sang Don't Turn Around.

[Colin C No.3]

My daughter’s just been sacked from her job as a set designer.
She left without a scene.

[Bentley Bullet]

They eat Panda sausages in London. The lady in front of me asked for two.

[Colin C No.3]

I don’t mind admitting that I have a few family skeletons in my wardrobe. But every one of them deserved it!

[Donnywolf]

Mate composes songs about Sewing Machines

He's a "Singer" songwriter , or sew it seams

[Colin C No.3]

Mirrors don’t lie. And fortunately for me, they don’t laugh either.

[Donnywolf]

My horse was winning at Donny and I was winning a Grand

Suddenly a Pork pie hit him , then a Scotch egg , 2 Cocktail Sausages were slung , then a huge piece of Quiche

He came 2nd and Sporting Life said he had been badly hampered in final furlong

[belton rover]

I’ve recently been found guilty in court of being egotistical.

I am appealing.

[ravenrover]

I liked Gazpacho before it became cool

[Bentley Bullet]

I’m a bit worried about the caravan in my garden with this wind.

I didn’t have one last night

[Bentley Bullet]

I had a check-up at the doctors today. I said, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life doc?"
He said, "I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus right now"
I said, "I don't believe in any of that astrology stuff doc"
He said, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke".

[ravenrover]

Dave and Jim ran into each other at a bar.
“ long time no see, “said Dave. “What’s new?“

“Not much,”answered Jim, “except my granddad died at exactly 3:45 last Wednesday
and at precisely the same time his grandfather clock stopped.”

"That's amazing!” Dave said.

"Not really,” Jim said. “That's when it fell on top of him."

[ravenrover]

did you know …Big Ben was named after Sir Benjamin Hall who oversaw the installation of the bell because his brother Richard fortunately was sick that day

[ravenrover]

A woman was on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asked her, "First offender?"
She said, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!"

[belton rover]

A woman was on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asked her, "First offender?"
She said, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!"

Her defence was it was all just a fret.

[Iberian Red]

Christ above.
You can tell who bought the cheap Xmas Crackers

[drfchound]

.A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel after a large chess tournament.

Rather than going straight to their rooms, the group stayed together in the lobby discussing the day’s events and their recent victories.

After an hour, the manager of the hotel entered the lobby and asked them to disperse.

“But why?” they asked.

The manager answered,

“Because I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

[ravenrover]

68 year old woman told her friend over a bingo game that she wanted to have a baby.

Her friend, in reasonable disbelief, laughed at her.

The 68 year old woman retorted, "Well, I have the apparatus to and with today's technology, I can have a baby."

And she did just that. She got pregnant and had a baby boy.

Her friend, shocked and sorry for mocking her, went over to visit.

“I came over to see your baby with my own eyes because I am sorry, but I have trouble believing it."

The now 69 year old woman replied, "Ok, just sit down, relax and have a cup of coffee."

Her friend confused asked, "Why?"

The 69 year old woman calmly responded, "Just wait til he cries."

Her friend impatiently asked, "Why can't you show me him now?”

The 69 year old woman replied, "I don't remember where I put him."

[Bentley Bullet]

Walking into the pub tonight I slipped on some dog shite and went arse over tit in the doorway. Another bloke then walked in and he slipped in it too. I said, "I've just done that." He said, "You dirty bas**rd!"

[Colin C No.3]

My wife bought me a ‘Universal Remote Control’ for Christmas. I thought to myself, ‘This changes everything’.