Has to be the worst week of the year so far.

[jucyberry]

Missing some one very important, stress making blood levels drop and warfarin levels rise again, and to cap it all off burned my arm on the cooker door tonight, and bugger does it hurt!  

I have decided I don't like Febuary very much.

If ever there was a need in the Playford house for a couple of Cussies jokes it is now...

[CusworthRovers]

I've just got home sweet potato. I've quickly popped on here and now I'm off up to na nights with a stella to watch MotD.

I've got a few gags but I'll leave you with this one I invented in the last hour.

I was in Munich last week. I saw a dog drowning in the lake. This German guy dives in, swims out and pulls the dog back to dry land. He then resuscitates it and gives it an adrenalin injection.
Being very impressed I asked him if he was a vet.

Vet, he says. I'm f**kin soaking.

[jucyberry]

 

[Lord Farquaad]

that reminds me of a bloke I know who got a job as a steward at the Olympics. It was his job to round up the contestants for each event.

As the final of the Pole Vaulting was about to commence, my friend realised that there was a man down.

He approached one athlete who was wandering around aimlessly and said 'Are you a pole vaulter?'

To which he replied 'No, I'm German, and my name is not Valter.

[i_ateallthepies]

I'll dispense with the language theme.

This couple driving along a country lane spot an injured badger at the side of the road.  They stop and it's clearly hurt and been laid there some time.

The husband says, \"poor thing's gonna need warming up if it's to survive, here put it between your legs while I call a vet\"

She says, \"not likely! it's wet and it stinks!\"

\"Well hold the badger's fvcking nose then\"

[CusworthRovers]

True tale this. A few years ago I nailed this bird from Stainy. I'd been on the lash all day and stunk of stale ale. I'd spewed my ring piece up and was covered in it. Anyway the only shag that night was always going to be a Stainy bird. As I lovingly scuttled her from behind I could feel something rubbing on the end of my sparra. I pulled the soldier out and unfortunately the johnny was mangled round the end and half of it down the old fiveskin. The unfortunate part was that I never wore one when I went in.