Joke thread

[Old Popsider]

Police have detained a Palestinian at Heathrow who was trying to board a plane with a joint of pork shoved down the back of his trousers.
He's strongly suspected of being a member of Hamass.


How many paedophiles can you fit into a Mini?
More than you'd think - they're used to squeezing into small tight spaces.....


I watched her through the steam and bubbles, hot water running down her skin, sponging and soaping, cleaning away the day's dirt. I felt my breath shortening and I start to get hard. When she's finished I pass her a towel. No-one washes pots like my missus.


I'm struggling with my astronomy course. Can anyone tell me, does Uranus have a brown ring around it?


Mary had a little skirt, with splits right up the sides
and every time that Mary walked, the boys could see her thighs.
She also had a little blouse, t'was old and torn a bit,
and every time she wore it, the boys could see her tits,
Mary had another skirt, t'wat split right up the front,
But she didn't wear that one very often..........


A couple driving home run over a badger. They get out and find it's still breathing but freezing cold. \"Put it between your legs to heat it up\" the husband says.
\"But it's all wet and stinks!\" the wife replies.
\"Well hold the badger's nose then!\" he replies.


I showed this bird my dick the other night. She said \"That's fcuking small, I thought you said you had at least a foot?\" I said \"No, I said I had athlete's foot.\"


An Eskimo is driving through Wales when his car breaks down. A passing mechanic offers to try and help. He looks under the bonnet and says to the Eskimo \"You've blown a seal boyo.\" The Eskimo replies \"So what, you lot shag sheep.\"


A tree fell down in Bradford killing a Pakistani family of ten. Bradford City Council claim they didn't knowthe bas**rds were living up there.


I've just opened a brothel in the roof of my house. I'm thinking of calling it 'Gash in the attic'


Just heard NASA are sending 3 women into space today. Think they're just trying to prove that no spaceis big enough for a woman to park in.


What's the difference between Mike Tyson and Ricky Martin?
Ricky Martin has been boxed around the ring more times.


I stopped drinking Stella as I promised my wife, and one week later she wanted me back on it. She realized I rarely miss when I'm sober..........


Small boy standing on cliff top and looking down at the sea and crying. A priest approaches and says to him \"My child, why are you crying?\"
Boy says \"Mummy and Daddy's car rolled over the cliff and smashed on those rocks below.\"
Priest looks round, whilst unzipping his flies and says \"Just not your day,  is it son?\"


Sex is like a cassette - insert, play, fast forward, pause, eject........

[Dickie Dido]

How do you annoy Heather Mills? Nick Clegg.

[Dickie Dido]

Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco.
Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.

[nice one rovers]

Sorry O.P dont find paedophilia or racism funny.

[BLIR]

nice one rovers wrote:

Sorry O.P dont find paedophilia or racism funny.

FFS - it was hardly Bernard Manning was it?

It was also promoting drunkenness, sexism, homophobia and was a little rude on occasion.

If you want really offending, have a look on sikipedia  

[nice one rovers]

[Old Popsider]

BLIR wrote:

nice one rovers wrote:

Sorry O.P dont find paedophilia or racism funny.

FFS - it was hardly Bernard Manning was it?

It was also promoting drunkenness, sexism, homophobia and was a little rude on occasion.

If you want really offending, have a look on sikipedia  

Thanks BLIR, you know something, in these days of over-the-top political correctness it takes quite some doing to get out of bed and negotiate daily life without upsetting someone.

 Well, sorry but I'm too old to start being p.c. and if folks don't like whatever I may spout, then tough titty - go somewhere else and take your pram with you. I'm entitled to my way of life without some prig whining on.

Bernard Manning was funny to my sense of humour. Charlie Williams was funny to my sense of humour. Tommy Cooper was too and many many other 'old and bold' comedians. My favourite comedy show was The Comedians. All really good old fashioned family humour most of the time. Unfortunately the Grim Reaper has taken his toll and other kinds of humour have come onto the scene.

Also times have changed, modern ways of living dictate to a certain degree what kind of humour is reasonably acceptable. Even so it is not possible to make up a joke and tell it without possibly upsetting someone from some of the many many diverse backgrounds that now populate these shores.

If you see or hear a joke that you don't like, ignore it and move on. Life's too short to get wound up over this kind of thing.

[nice one rovers]

Old Popsider wrote:

BLIR wrote:

nice one rovers wrote:

Sorry O.P dont find paedophilia or racism funny.

FFS - it was hardly Bernard Manning was it?

It was also promoting drunkenness, sexism, homophobia and was a little rude on occasion.

If you want really offending, have a look on sikipedia  

Thanks BLIR, you know something, in these days of over-the-top political correctness it takes quite some doing to get out of bed and negotiate daily life without upsetting someone.

 Well, sorry but I'm too old to start being p.c. and if folks don't like whatever I may spout, then tough titty - go somewhere else and take your pram with you. I'm entitled to my way of life without some prig whining on.

Bernard Manning was funny to my sense of humour. Charlie Williams was funny to my sense of humour. Tommy Cooper was too and many many other 'old and bold' comedians. My favourite comedy show was The Comedians. All really good old fashioned family humour most of the time. Unfortunately the Grim Reaper has taken his toll and other kinds of humour have come onto the scene.

Also times have changed, modern ways of living dictate to a certain degree what kind of humour is reasonably acceptable. Even so it is not possible to make up a joke and tell it without possibly upsetting someone from some of the many many diverse backgrounds that now populate these shores.

If you see or hear a joke that you don't like, ignore it and move on. Life's too short to get wound up over this kind of thing.

 No, you're right, I'm sorry. But just have a think about your paedo joke, think about it's content, then if your \"too old\" brain can get round it, think about people reading it who have themselves been personally affcted by  paedophilia and mistakenly thought they were viewing a football forum. Nice one, give up your day job and get a job in a pit club 45 years ago. Turnip.

[BLIR]

In essence you are right. If you think about the acts that paedophiles do it seriously isn't funny.

Sexism isn't funny deep down, neither is racism or homophobia but I for one, and the vast majority of the people I know will find jokes about the subjects funny at some level.

Michael Jackson dying wasn't funny to his family, friends or fans but I had a field day and, judging by the amount of texts I got, so did most of my friends. I could name any number of celebrity deaths that have brought about a similar response.

There is a big difference between lookng on the bright side and having a laugh about things and the actual content of the things being joked about.

Your arguement is valid about this being a football forum too, but given that the thread was entitled \"Joke Thread\" and was in the Off Topic section you can't have too much to complain about there?

You could argue, also, that you have turned this thread into a personal attack against a fellow contributor - pot and kettle?

[CusworthRovers]

Sweet Jesus, I'm off to see Frankie Boyle tonight. I'm expecting him to offend anything/anybody in the world (including anything that may be akin to me) in the name of comedy and laughter. He's got his ups and Downs

[German Rover]

old but a good one

How do you make your grannies toes curl?

f**k her with her tights on!

[Old Popsider]

German Rover wrote:

old but a good one

How do you make your grannies toes curl?

fcuk her with her tights on!

Any comment 'niceonerovers'?

[CusworthRovers]

How about these Popsider. I think I'm going to get proper done.



My mate was shagging a pair of twins for a couple of months. 'You jammy bas**rd', uttered I 'and how the hell do you tell them apart?'. 'Easy' responded my mate 'Julie's got long blonde hair, whilst Derek's got a huge cock'.




I phoned in work, sick the other day. 'How sick are you?' my gaffer said. 'Well I'm currently in bed shagging my paraplegic baby sister, is that sick enough?'

[nice one rovers]

Old Popsider wrote:

German Rover wrote:

old but a good one

How do you make your grannies toes curl?

fcuk her with her tights on!

Any comment 'niceonerovers'?

 Now granny sex, that is funny! I don't want to go down  as a bloke with no sense of humour, and obviously everyone has a different opinion on what's funny, but I just think we've all got to start getting on a bit better with our neighbours,locally & internationally, and if that means losing the racism, it's a small sacrifice.
Once again, sorry if I'm wrong,caught me on a bit of a rant day, but I've had sex since and am o.k now. (not with my nanna).

[Old Popsider]

nice one rovers wrote:

Old Popsider wrote:

German Rover wrote:

old but a good one

How do you make your grannies toes curl?

fcuk her with her tights on!

Any comment 'niceonerovers'?

 Now granny sex, that is funny! I don't want to go down  as a bloke with no sense of humour, and obviously everyone has a different opinion on what's funny, but I just think we've all got to start getting on a bit better with our neighbours,locally & internationally, and if that means losing the racism, it's a small sacrifice.
Once again, sorry if I'm wrong,caught me on a bit of a rant day, but I've had sex since and am o.k now. (not with my nanna).

Line now drawn under this thread. Cheers.