Viking Supporters Co-operative
Viking Chat => Off Topic => Topic started by: Bentley Bullet on May 12, 2023, 09:02:07 am
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A horse goes into a bar. The barman’s a donkey. They get chatting and the donkey asks the horse what he does for a living. The horse replies that he’s a flat racer. The donkey asks him if he’s any good. The horse replies that he’s won the Derby, the St. Leger and the Oaks. The donkey, not wishing to be embarrassed by the horse’s achievements, points to a picture of a zebra on the bar wall and says “That’s me when I played for Juventus!”.
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My favourite TV joke:
I went to the gym and said to the instructor’Can you teach me how to do the splits?’
He looked me up and down and replied ‘How flexible are you?
I said ‘I can’t do Tuesdays and Thursdays.’
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“I went in to a pet shop and asked the owner ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’
The gent asked, ‘Do you want an aquarium?’
I said, ‘I don’t care what star sign it is.'”
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today....it said on the packet ‘Best Before End…'”
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I've just come back from a once in a lifetime holiday....never again.
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Crime in a multi storey car park
It's wrong on every level
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I know this might make me sound big-headed but I honestly can't get my jumper off!
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I hated playing the triangle in the school orchestra, it was just one Ting after another.
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today....it said on the packet ‘Best Before End…'”
I like that cheese from that place Jesus came from, Cheeses of Nazareth.
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I got a lift to the sixteenth floor, and as I got out, the operator said, "Have a good day, son."
"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad!"
He said: “No, but I brought you up, didn't I?".
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Talking about cheese, I came out of Tesco last night and this kid started throwing cheese at me. I said ‘Oh, that’s really mature!’
Then he poured milk over my head and I thought ‘how dairy.’
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Second hand shop was selling a TV for £1, with only fault being the volume button.
I couldn't turn it down.
I sold them my old hoover. Well it was just collecting dust.
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Tim Vine is a master of one half of humour.
Stephen Fry said all jokes are either logic gone wrong (what Vine does) or some offence against moral standards.
The best jokes are ones which hit both targets. Which is why the best one of all time is Rik Mayall's.
Why did the pervert cross the road?
Because he had his knob stuck in the chicken.
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Tim Vine is a master of one half of humour.
Stephen Fry said all jokes are either logic gone wrong (what Vine does) or some offence against moral standards.
The best jokes are ones which hit both targets. Which is why the best one of all time is Rik Mayall's.
Why did the pervert cross the road?
Because he had his knob stuck in the chicken.
Disgraceful to write such filth on a Tim Vine thread.
Back to family fun:
Eric Bristow asked me why I put superglue on one of his darts. I said ‘you just can’t let it go can you?
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Tim Vine is a master of one half of humour.
Stephen Fry said all jokes are either logic gone wrong (what Vine does) or some offence against moral standards.
The best jokes are ones which hit both targets. Which is why the best one of all time is Rik Mayall's.
Why did the pervert cross the road?
Because he had his knob stuck in the chicken.
He's not very good at magic either. He can only do half a trick. He's a member of the magic semi-circle.
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What's red and invisible?
No Tomatoes
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I wondered why my head was getting smaller.
Then I realised I'd picked up the potato peeler instead of my comb!
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Centre Parcs has been put up for sale at £5 billion quid.
......Or £36 billion if bought during the school holidays.
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Elton John has bought a treadmill for his rabbit.
It's a little fit bunny.
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I saw my bank manager today he mistook me for a pop star, he said I was in Dire Straits
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I’d like to die peacefully in my sleep, like my Grandad did……not screaming & shouting like the other passengers in his car.
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I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
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Injured my calf last night playing football.
I guess cows just aren't cut out for 5-a-side.
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I was talking to my mate on the phone. I said, "I went to see that film about the 1976 Formula One rivalry between James Hunt and the Austrian driver". He said: "Lauda?". I said, "I WENT TO SEE THAT FILM .."
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My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I'd been hiding.
She said she's never playing Scrabble with me again.
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The past, presence & future walk into a bar. It was tense.
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The past, presence & future walk into a bar. It was tense.
Heard that one on 6music yesterday
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The past, presence & future walk into a bar. It was tense.
Heard that one on 6music yesterday
I was on 6 music yesterday!
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I’ve just bought a Premier League cordless drill.
No leads.
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What do the Premier league and a cordless drill have in common
No leads (leeds)
Curtesy of twitter
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The Proclaimers' lawn is getting a bit long, so they have been to a number of B&Q stores looking to buy something to cut it with but they are all out of stock...
They've been to Bathgate, no mower, Linwood, no mower, Methill, no mower, Irvine, no mower...
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What do the Premier league and a cordless drill have in common
No leads (leeds)
Curtesy of twitter
... and me 28th May 1 minute after final whistle
Anyway I went to Garden Centre for a swing for between trees. They wanted twice as much as I had but we came to a hammockable agreement
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I tried to climb Everest and failed. It was a-nepal-ling failure
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I went into the pet shop & asked for a wasp.
The shopkeeper said “We don’t sell wasps”.
“Well you’ve got one in the window”.
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There's a new razor designed for dyslexics.
It's the best thing since sliced beard.
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I really love those Golden coloured Horses
If fact any Palomino's a Pal 'o mino
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A Woodworm walks into a bar and say's, ‘Is the bartender here?’
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“I said to this bloke, go on, hit me in the face. So he did. As I lay on the floor I thought to myself, I asked for this”.
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I went to Poole last week.
In Dorset?
Yes, I can heartily recommend it.
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I’ve always been afraid I’d wind up an old man. He might take offence & thump me.
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Exit signs. They’re on the way out.
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Eric Bristow asked me why I put superglue on one of his darts. I said ‘you just can’t let it go can you?
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My son came home with a ‘thick ear’.
I said “Who did that!?”, he said “Mr Crosby next door caught me apple scrumping in his garden & clipped me round my ear”.
So I dragged him next door & banged on it loudly. Mr Crosby answered the door & I said “Right, hit my son whilst I’m here”, so he did.
I puffed my chest out, told my son to get up & said to Crosby “Right, hit him again in front of me if you dare”, so he did.
I looked at Crosby straight in the eye, turned to where my son was lying, picked him up & said “Right son, c’mon home you’ve had enough”.
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I'm fat, but I identify as skinny.
I'm Trans-Slender.
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I went into an iron mongers & said “I’d like a box of nails please”, the storekeeper said “How long do you want them?, I said “I want to keep them”.
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I wish I knew who kicked the jack out from under the car I'm working on.
The suspension is killing me.
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I went into my local RSPCA offices today.
It was tiny.
Honestly, you couldn’t swing a cat in there.
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I went into a horrible pub called The Fiddle the other day.
It was a vile Inn.
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I went into a record shop & asked the assistant “What have you got by The Doors?”, he said “A bucket of sand & a fire blanket”.
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I was walking through the woods and saw a Leeds Utd season ticket nailed to a tree.
I thought, ‘I’m having that!’
You can never have too many nails, can you?
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Apparently John Wayne was in 50 films and reputedly mentioned a Car in every one.
Yep it was Audi Pardner
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So this policeman came towards me carrying a large sheet of thin paper & a pencil. He stopped & said to me “I’d like you to help me trace someone”.
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A guy says to the psychiatrist, "I keep thinking I'm a set of curtains".
The shrink says, "For God's sake man, pull yourself together".
That's it, I'm definitely getting mi coat now.
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I went to the doctor.
I said "Doctor I've got a cricket ball stuck up me arse."
Doctor says "How's that?"
I said "Don't you bleeding start an all."
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Got up this morning and there was a tap on my door.
He's got a weird sense of humour our local plumber.
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I bumped into the chuckle brothers,; “Hi Tim”
Timmy to you
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I saw an RAC man sobbing uncontrollably over the wheel of his van. I thought to myself, “That blokes heading for a breakdown”.
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Saw a L**ds Utd fan with a gorgeous girl on his arm the other day,
..... " Nice tattoo", I said.
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So, I went to the cemetery to lay some flowers & I saw four blokes carrying a coffin around the graveyard.
An hour later they were still carrying the coffin around. I thought to myself “They’ve lost the plot”.
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I saw a busker once playing the violin and selling stolen goods on a weighbridge.
He was fiddling on a big scale.
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So me & my mate fancied a game of darts, he said “Nearest the bull starts”. He said “Baah”, I said “Moo”, he said “Ok, you’re closest, you go first”.
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Cucumber is very good for the memory. A mate of mine shoved one up his arse 30 years ago and he still remembers it.
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Doctor: My advice is don't eat anything fatty.
Me: You Mean like bacon and burgers?
Doctor: No fatty, don't eat anything.
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I was walking past a shop window & a sign in it said “Television for sale £1, volume stuck on full” I thought “Wow, I can’t turn that down”.
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Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could do for him.
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I looked out of the bedroom window & saw this bloke nicking the neighbours gate. I was going to shout at him but I thought better not, he might take offence.
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The other day I saw a clown giving a nun a piggy-back.
I thought "well that's just virgin on the ridiculous".
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Doctor: My advice is don't eat anything fatty.
Me: You Mean like bacon and burgers?
Doctor: No fatty, don't eat anything.
I said ‘can I have a word with 4 ‘i’ s’.
This kid said ‘Mississippi’
I said ‘no, I want a word with you, you speccy t**t!’
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Last week I took my nephew to a zoo. All they had was a dog in a cage. It was a Shitzoo.
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An HGV shed its load of snooker equipment on the M1 today. There were cues for miles.
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So I was in the queue for the ‘guess your weight’ stand at the fair. Eventually, I got to the front and the bloke looked me up and down and said, ‘I reckon that was about 20 minutes’
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The psychiatrist said to me “As a young boy, did your mother ever beat you? “. I said “Let’s get one thing straight. My mother was never a young boy”.
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What a nuisance, some thick bloke has got our house number mixed up with the Met Office.
He keeps calling & asking if the coast is clear!
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So there are these two goldfish in a tank. One turns to the other & says “So then, how do we start this thing?”.
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My Grandson is at that age when he's started crawling. You know the age, "You're the best Grandad ever, can I have a tenner?"
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My neighbour is running round the street telling everyone he’s found a hoard of Roman gold coins under a lump of grass in his garden. Lucky sod.
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Peruvian Owls hunt in pairs. Well, they are Inca Hoots.
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The guitarist staggered off the stage & said “I’m going to whack you with the neck of this guitar!”. I said “Is that a fret?”.
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Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.......I woke up this morning with a huge correction.
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I looked up & thought ‘Why is that frisbee getting bigger & bigger?’ Then it hit me.
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My partner left me due to my obsession with crossword puzzles. It's OK though, I'm not too down.
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Most people know Phil Oakey is the singer in the Human League but not many people know his sister Carrie can be heard regularly in pubs on a Friday night.
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I was round my mates house & I asked him if I could borrow his newspaper for a moment. He said “Mate, I don’t buy newspapers. Here, borrow my iPad”.
I tell you what. That wasp never knew what hit it.
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My Dad used to say, the first rule of theatre is always leave them wanting more.
Lovely bloke. Terrible anaesthetist.
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So i met this beautiful girl at a bungee jumping club. I said ‘are you attached?’
She said ‘No I’m nooooooot.’
She was drop dead gorgeous.
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"The trouble with Quotes on the internet is you never know if they are genuine."
Abraham Lincoln
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I went up to this bloke & said “ Me & my mates have just been talking about you”. He said “You disgust me.” I said “Yes we did”.
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I told a joke on a Zoom Meeting and nobody laughed. Turns out I'm not remotely funny.
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I rang my local Ramblers Club & this bloke just went on & on & on.
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I'm playing Scrabble with Midge Ure and I've only got 4 letters left.
They mean nothing to me.
OVNR.
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My mates got a butler who’s left arm is missing. Serves him right.
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A guy sits down on a park bench for a rest, and puts his trilby down at the side of him. Another guy walks past with a dog on a leash. The dog jumps up and starts chomping at the trilby with it's teeth. This starts a feisty dialogue between the two guys.
"Get your bloody dog under control"
"I will, but there's no need to be like that"
"Be like what?"
"It's your attitude"
"I know it's my f*cking hat he chewed, that's why I'm p*ssed off "
OK, guys, I'll get mi coat.
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I walked into a jewellers & said to the man at the counter “I’d like to buy a watch please”. He said “Analogue?” I said “No thank you, just a watch”.
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My mate got stopped by the Police.
"Name"
"Neil"
"Any I.D"
"No, N.E.I.L."
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So this prisoner shouted “It’s freezing in this cell!”. The warden said “I’ll put you another bar on”.
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Thinking about a comment from an old school report of mine, how many Gorms should I have had in the first place?
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I’ve just got back from a once in a lifetime holiday. Never again.
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My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini.
I said, “Wow that’s an amazing car.”
He said, "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I’ll be able to get another one next year.”
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So I said to this barn owl “I’ve just got engaged”. It turned its head & said “Twit. To who?”.
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Two cannibals sitting around a campfire.
"I don't like your wife"
"Just eat the chips then"
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During the First World War, my grandad survived attacks by both mustard gas & pepper spray. He was a seasoned veteran.
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Many women are completely satisfied with 3 1/2 inches ......
and it doesn’t matter if it’s a MasterCard or a Visa.
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Me & my wife’s first Christmas together & I put all the Christmas lights up. On the tree, around the house & in the garden.
She got home from work & was so excited when I showed her she said “Please can I switch them on?” Then I told her “I know it’s hard to believe but I’m no electrician. Boy did she get a shock.
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My dog was learning to play the horn and it was driving me daft, so i took the horn off him. He went from Tooting to Barking in less than two minuets.
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I’ve just offered the old woman next door £5 to have a go on her Stannah stairlift, she’s going to take me up on it.
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I said to the gym instructor “Can you teach me how to do the splits?”
He said “How flexible are you?” I said “I can’t do Tuesdays”.
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Just got back from seeing the Spanish Steps in Rome.
They were the worst tribute group I've ever seen.
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I went to see my doctor, he said “Lie on the couch.” I said “Why?”
He said “I want to sweep up.”
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My budgie broke his leg so I made him a splint out of a matchstick.
You should have seen his face light up when he took his first step.
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This bloke said to me "Can you tell me your availability to run a football team in Sheffield?"
I said "I can't manage Wednesday."
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So I went to see my doctor. He said “Hello. I haven’t seen you for a while” I said “No, I’ve been ill.”
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Just invented a glove for removing the lid from the jars of Colman's condiment.
It's not my best invention, Mustard Mitt.
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I bought some of those Jamie Oliver sausages.
I knew they were his because on the packet it said ‘prick with a fork’.
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My mate just took Airline to Court for losing his Baggage but lost his Case
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A mate asked me "if a Swan has a swansong , does a Cygnet have a signature tune "
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My mate came second in a Winston Churchill look alike competition. Close, but no cigar.
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Bruiser from next door collared me last night and said I'd been pinching washing off of his line.
I nearly shat his pants.
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I took my dog to the vets & said “I’m confused. I don’t know whether to feed it with Pedigree Chum or just a bone?”.
The vet said “What’s its name?”.
I said “Eye, eye, eye oh”.
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When I heard they'd found a cure for dyslexia, It was music to my arse.
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A bloke in the pub last night bragged that he was a big star in the 80s.
I didn't believe him but he was adamant.
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A bloke in the pub last night bragged that he was a big star in the 80s.
I didn't believe him but he was adamant.
What was his name?
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So I took my dog to the vets & asked “What’s best to feed him on, a can of Pedigree Chum or a bone?” The vet asked “What’s your dogs name?”. I answered “Nick knack paddy whack”.
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I was completely shocked today when my doctor told me I was colour-blind.
It was a bolt out of the green.
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So I did this parachute jump where they attach you to another person & push you out of the plane. It was really scary. The scariest bit was when the bloke strapped to my back said “So how long have you been an instructor then?”.
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A bloke in the pub last night bragged that he was a big star in the 80s.
I didn't believe him but he was adamant.
What was his name?
Don't know but he was Prince Charming to all the women.
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My wife walked in all flustered & said “You’re not going to like this but I’ve just reversed the car into a pole in the supermarket car park”. I said “How badly is the car damaged?” she said “The bumper has a bit of a dent in it, that’s all”. Then thinking about cctv cameras in the car park I asked “What state was the pole in?”. She said “It’s difficult to say to be honest. I don’t speak Polish”.
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A bloke in the pub last night bragged that he was a big star in the 80s.
I didn't believe him but he was adamant.
What was his name?
Don't know but he was Prince Charming to all the women.
Which prompted you to stand and deliver another joke.
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A bear walks into a bar.
The barman asks him
"What can I get you?"
The bear says,
"I'll have a
Jack Daniels
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
and coke."
The barman says to him,
"No problem, pal.
But what's with the big pause?"
The bear looks down and says,
“Oh, these? I dunno, I was born with them."
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I’m reading a book called ‘The History of Glue’. Honestly, I can’t put it down.
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So I took my dog to the vets & asked “What’s best to feed him on, a can of Pedigree Chum or a bone?” The vet asked “What’s your dogs name?”. I answered “Nick knack paddy whack”.
You're gonna have to put me put of my misery with these dog ones, someone.....
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In fact, it's just dropped lol.
What was the other one, eye eye eye oh?
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A bloke walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't think it's in yet."
"Yeah, that's the one"
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The same bloke said ‘have you got any thrillers set in the world of horse racing?’
‘Do you like Dick Francis?’
‘That’s none of your business, and my name’s not Francis!’
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Why do cats never answer their mobiles?
Because they're always on mewt.
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I met a bloke called Ian Tevvy the other day. He said his brother was the lead singer with the Hollies.
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I asked an elderly man why he was using two huge frozen chips as walking sticks.
He said: “They’re McCains!”
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Researchers say humans eat more bananas than monkeys. I know, I’ve never eaten a monkey, only their nuts.
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I bought one of Elton John's old cars recently.
It was an X Reg.
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A bloke walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't think it's in yet."
"Yeah, that's the one"
Have you got any books on Paranoia?
They are behind you..
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My four-year-old grandson can't say Please in Spanish.....
That's poor for four.
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A mate of mine said he was gonna buy me one of those folk guitarist/comedy song albums that were popular in the 70s.
He said: "When I went to pay for it I couldn't get my card in, so I got you Jasper Carrott instead."
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Scawsby Steve asked his hairdresser what cut would make him look better looking.
She said "A power cut."
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A mate of mine said he was gonna buy me one of those folk guitarist/comedy song albums that were popular in the 70s.
He said: "When I went to pay for it I couldn't get my card in, so I got you Jasper Carrott instead."
I have to say it took me a minute or two but it's one of your better ones
Saw him back in the 70"s at the Gaumont never laughed so much, then again a gew years back now more of a folkie telling a few jokes still very good though
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A mate of mine said he was gonna buy me one of those folk guitarist/comedy song albums that were popular in the 70s.
He said: "When I went to pay for it I couldn't get my card in, so I got you Jasper Carrott instead."
I have to say it took me a minute or two but it's one of your better ones
Saw him back in the 70"s at the Gaumont never laughed so much, then again a gew years back now more of a folkie telling a few jokes still very good though
Which one?
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My card in
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Why did the cows keep returning to the marijuana field?
It was a case of the pot calling the cattle back.
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The steaks have never been so high.
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In a speech to a private school assembly by the WW11 ace Douglas Bader
So there were 2 of the f**kers behind me, 3 f**kers to my left and 3 f**kers to my right
The distressed Headmistress interrupted and explained to assembled students that a Focker was a type of German fighter plane
Ah, that is correct, the Ace continued, but these f**kers were all in Messerschmitts
Not a true story allegedly
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In a speech to a private school assembly by the WW11 ace Douglas Bader
So there were 2 of the f**kers behind me, 3 f**kers to my left and 3 f**kers to my right
The distressed Headmistress interrupted and explained to assembled students that a Focker was a type of German fighter plane
Ah, that is correct, the Ace continued, but these f**kers were all in Messerschmitts
Not a true story allegedly
What a thieving t**t Stan Boardman was.
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My best friend when I was a kid was Andy Zoff.
He was the fastest boy at my school.
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My best friend when I was a kid was Andy Zoff.
He was the fastest boy at my school.
My best mate joined the Police Force when he left school.
He lived at Letsby Avenue.
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If he was a detective it could have been Plane Close, Cantley.
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My best friend when I was a kid was Andy Zoff.
He was the fastest boy at my school.
My best mate joined the Police Force when he left school.
He lived at Letsby Avenue.
And his favourite snap was truncheon meat sandwiches.
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So I went to this night club and I said to this girl, “What’s your name?”
“Chantelle”
“Oh go on”
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When one door closes another one opens.
Apart from that, it's a pretty decent car.
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Pulled my back at work and was given a number and told to ask for Pat (Sick Line). All I keep getting is a female singing "Crazy".
©
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About a month before he died, my uncle smothered his back in lard. He went downhill very quickly after that.
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So I went to the train station and said “I want to go to Paris.”
“Eurostar?”
“Well I’ve been on TV but I’m no Dean Martin.”
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What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.
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I was looking for my cat named “meow”… the wife shouted “he’s on a mat up here”.
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Lord Nelson was approx 5ft 6, yet his statue is 17ft 4.
That’s Horatio of 3: 1
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Lord Nelson was approx 5ft 6, yet his statue is 17ft 4.
That’s Horatio of 3: 1
:laugh: :laugh:
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I was walking with a slice of bread on my head , my mate said why
I said it's my Loaf Hat Diet
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Sat in Costa yesterday and got hit over head , and Laptop and phone were stolen
Told Cops I'd been Mugged
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I drink brake fluid, but I can stop anytime
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Three teenagers were caught drinking battery acid.
Two got charged and one was let off.
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I drink Petrol * to cheer me up .... Currently getting 60 smiles per gallon
* I DONT drink petrol of course
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My best friend when I was a kid was Andy Zoff.
He was the fastest boy at my school.
My best mate ) joined the Police Force when he left school.
He lived at Letsby Avenue.
My mate (genuinely) bought an old Police Station / House and it was enormous .
I always call it Evening Hall , couldn't get him to call it that though
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A bloke walks into a cafe
A cup of tea, please
Milk and sugar?
Milk please and fourteen sugars.
Fourteen?
Yeah but don’t stir it, I don’t like it sweet.
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This bloke said to me ‘Can you tell me where I might find a toupee?’
I replied ‘Not off the top of my head.’
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Just finished reading Agatha Christie's "Murder on the Buses"
Butler did it.
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The first rule of Condescending Club is, well, it’s really kind of complex, and I don’t think you’d understand even if I explained it to you
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My mates not very bright but means we'll, just raised money for blind dogs for the guides
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Otto Nobedder?
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Saw homeless man dressed as Henry 8th in Donny recently
Thought beggars cant be Tudors ?
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A copper stopped me last night. He said, "Get out of the car and walk to me." I did that and he said, "You're staggering." I said, "You're not too bad yourself."
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I entered 10 puns in a pun competition, hoping one would win first prize.
No pun in ten did.
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A police car pulled me over & a policeman got out & tapped on my window. I turned the window down & said “Do you mind, I’m on the phone here”.
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An old mate of mine told me his wife had passed away suddenly. I said to him "God, you must be distraught with grief. What on Earth happened?". He replied "It was Sunday morning and she went into the back garden to get a cauliflower for Sunday dinner. As she pulled it up, she keeled over, stone dead".
I said "God, that's awful. What did you do?".
He replied "I had to open a tin of f*cking peas".
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The worst pub I ever went into was called ‘The Fiddle’. It was a vile inn.
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We had a bit of a panic last night - our youngest son swallowed some Scrabble tiles.
His next trip to the toilet could spell disaster.
-
General Custer was in the fort when his aide shouted down to him “General, I don’t like the sound of those drums out there!” A voice from behind an outcrop shouted back “He’s not our regular drummer!”.
-
Congratulations to my friends Mark and Ruth Norder, on their daughter Laura being accepted into the police force.
-
............ and then Esther McVey said but this was far from an easy decision for me to make as it means relinquishing my role on GB News – in particular presenting a show I love with Phil [Davies]. I don’t think it is a coincidence that when the prime minister looked for a champion for common sense he selected someone from GB News – the home of common sense.
-
A mate of mine lost his business despite always going that extra mile for people.
Lovely bloke, but a terrible taxi driver.
-
Chocolate is vital for our survival. Dinosaurs didn't have chocolate and look what happened to them......
-
My wife - It’s difficult to say what she does for a living. She sells sea shells on the seashore.
-
As a joke for my wife’s 40th birthday, I replaced our bed with a trampoline.
She hit the roof.
-
I have a joke about chemistry.
I won't tell it though in case i don't get a reaction.
-
I have a joke about chemistry.
I won't tell it though in case i don't get a reaction.
Hound, that reminds me of my chemistry lesson in school when the teacher asked “Can anyone tell me what nitrate is?”
I replied “ I don’t know about teachers but my Dad gets double time at Rockware”.
-
His wife came home from work ecstatically happy. She said to her husband, “I won the lottery. Quick, pack your bags.”
He said, “Where are we going?”
She said, “I’m not going anywhere.”
-
How does good King Wenceslas like his pizza?
Deep pan crisp and even
-
A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.
-
The fact that there is A Highway to Hell and only A Stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic
-
The Catholic Church is aware of the bad press it has received in recent years so in order to address this it has set up a scholarship for 100 boys to learn about the priesthood for free.
They’ve come up with a catchy slogan….’Feel the priest inside of you’.
-
Just phoned PC World about my new laptop. I told them a tubby ginger-haired lass keeps appearing on screen singing 'Someone like you'. The bloke on the phone said, "Is it a Dell?" .......I said, "Yes, is it a common fault with them?"
-
Scawsby Steve tried to get into a nightclub the other day. The Bouncer said, "Sorry sir, looks like you've had too many."
SS said, "What? Drinks?"
The Bouncer said, "No! Birthdays"
-
Keep em coming Bentley lad, very funny.
-
I went to visit my wife in hospital. A doctor came towards me & said “I’m afraid your wife’s very critical”. I patted him on the shoulder & said “Don’t worry, you’ll get used to it”.
-
I spotted an albino Dalmatian this morning.
Well, it was the least I could do.
-
I saw a sign today that made me piss me'sen....
-
I went to my barbers today, he said “Short back & sides?” I said “I’ve come for a haircut, not to be measured for a suit!”.
-
We used to have empires run by emperors, then we had kingdoms run by kings.
Now we have countries…
-
You’ve been listening to Jethro!
-
Who?
I lifted this off X
-
I first heard it 50 years ago in (I think) Bolton WMC, on-Dearn that is.
-
I found out today that if you bang two horses together it sounds like a coconut
-
My wife told me “Sex is much better when you’re on holiday”.
That wasn’t a very nice postcard to get.
-
I went to my barbers today, he said “Short back & sides?” I said “I’ve come for a haircut, not to be measured for a suit!”.
I went to Barbers and lady was breast feeding a Baby
You're next , I said no thanks , only came for a Haircut
-
Oxygen invited Potassium out on a date
It was OK I suppose
-
Remains to be seen if glass coffins become popular.
-
Human League singer Phil Oakey's sister Carrie invented the notion of people singing along to recorded music in pubs and clubs using a microphone.
-
Ticket Inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them.
-
Somebody's nicked my highlighter pen , but I will find you and it . Mark my words
-
Our computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually.
It took me 20 minutes to set the cards up for solitaire.
-
My local Chinese vet is trying to find homes pre- Christmas for abandoned dogs with a notice in his window saying “Buy one, get one flea”.
-
I scraped my frozen Windscreen this morning with my Tesco Credit Card
... got 10% off but every little helps I suppose
-
TV presenter Jonathan Ross has been arrested for stealing chocolate and a cooking utensil from a supermarket.
He said, "I had a couple of Twix up my sleeve and it was a whisk I was willing to take."
-
Me & my wife bought a water bed but got rid of it two weeks later. We felt we were drifting apart.
-
I was sick of neighbours playing Christmas tunes , Carol's etc it was driving me MAD so I dialled 999
POLICE Navidad said the voice . I hung up
-
Talking of bad choices in life, I went on TV's The Voice and sang Don't Turn Around.
-
My daughter’s just been sacked from her job as a set designer.
She left without a scene.
-
They eat Panda sausages in London. The lady in front of me asked for two.
-
I don’t mind admitting that I have a few family skeletons in my wardrobe. But every one of them deserved it!
-
Mate composes songs about Sewing Machines
He's a "Singer" songwriter , or sew it seams
-
Mirrors don’t lie. And fortunately for me, they don’t laugh either.
-
My horse was winning at Donny and I was winning a Grand
Suddenly a Pork pie hit him , then a Scotch egg , 2 Cocktail Sausages were slung , then a huge piece of Quiche
He came 2nd and Sporting Life said he had been badly hampered in final furlong
-
I’ve recently been found guilty in court of being egotistical.
I am appealing.
-
I liked Gazpacho before it became cool
-
I’m a bit worried about the caravan in my garden with this wind.
I didn’t have one last night
-
I had a check-up at the doctors today. I said, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life doc?"
He said, "I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus right now"
I said, "I don't believe in any of that astrology stuff doc"
He said, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke".
-
Dave and Jim ran into each other at a bar.
“ long time no see, “said Dave. “What’s new?“
“Not much,”answered Jim, “except my granddad died at exactly 3:45 last Wednesday
and at precisely the same time his grandfather clock stopped.”
"That's amazing!” Dave said.
"Not really,” Jim said. “That's when it fell on top of him."
-
did you know …Big Ben was named after Sir Benjamin Hall who oversaw the installation of the bell because his brother Richard fortunately was sick that day
-
A woman was on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asked her, "First offender?"
She said, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!"
-
A woman was on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asked her, "First offender?"
She said, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!"
Her defence was it was all just a fret.
-
Christ above.
You can tell who bought the cheap Xmas Crackers
-
.A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel after a large chess tournament.
Rather than going straight to their rooms, the group stayed together in the lobby discussing the day’s events and their recent victories.
After an hour, the manager of the hotel entered the lobby and asked them to disperse.
“But why?” they asked.
The manager answered,
“Because I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
-
68 year old woman told her friend over a bingo game that she wanted to have a baby.
Her friend, in reasonable disbelief, laughed at her.
The 68 year old woman retorted, "Well, I have the apparatus to and with today's technology, I can have a baby."
And she did just that. She got pregnant and had a baby boy.
Her friend, shocked and sorry for mocking her, went over to visit.
“I came over to see your baby with my own eyes because I am sorry, but I have trouble believing it."
The now 69 year old woman replied, "Ok, just sit down, relax and have a cup of coffee."
Her friend confused asked, "Why?"
The 69 year old woman calmly responded, "Just wait til he cries."
Her friend impatiently asked, "Why can't you show me him now?”
The 69 year old woman replied, "I don't remember where I put him."
-
Walking into the pub tonight I slipped on some dog shite and went arse over tit in the doorway. Another bloke then walked in and he slipped in it too. I said, "I've just done that." He said, "You dirty bas**rd!"
-
My wife bought me a ‘Universal Remote Control’ for Christmas. I thought to myself, ‘This changes everything’.
-
The Landlord said "There you go Einstein", sarcastically as he passed me the pub quiz sheet......Shows what he knows, I look nothing like The Beatles' manager.
-
The only thing Flat Earthers fear, is sphere itself.
-
I said to my wife “You’re pencilling your eyebrows too high”
She looked surprised.
-
I went to a French restaurant last night and ordered Napoleon chicken for the first time.
When It came there was no meat just the carcass. I said to the waitress: "What's this?!!"
"She said: "It's the boney part".
-
My wife was moaning to me the other night about never listening properly to a single thing she said. Or something like that.
-
I remember once watching Countdown with Carol Vorderman and I got aroused.
Not bad for me that, seven letters.
-
My dad used to work for The Highways Agency until he was sacked for theft. I couldn't believe he would do such a thing. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
-
I went out for an Indian meal last night.
I had a Chicken Tarka, it's like a Tikka, just a little 'otter.
-
Police say that the man who was shot 200 times with an upholstery gun is now fully recovered.
-
A gang has been caught making counterfeit Mr Kipling Bakewell tarts.
Police say they're exceedingly good fakes.
-
There were six blokes kicking & punching my mother in law.
My wife shouted “Aren’t you going to help?!”, I said “No, six should be enough”.
-
I was asked if I liked Horses , I said " Yes" any Palomino is a pal-o-mino
-
Was stood on Scales breathing in deeply and pulling stomach in
Mrs Wolfie said " that will make no difference "
I said it will, cos I can see dial now
-
The other day my wife shouted at me “It’s about time you grew up!”. I stormed out into the garden & went & hid inside my fort.
-
Two burglars broke into a shop and stole 80 cans of Red Bull.
I honestly don't know how these People sleep at night.
-
I remember at my school they had a lot of trouble with drugs. Especially Class A.
-
Apparently the guy who invented predictive text has died.
Restaurant in peace.
-
I went to Travis Perkins and asked for 25,000 bricks
"What are you building?" the foreman asked. "A barbeque" I replied.
"listen mate" he said "you don't need 25,000 bricks to build a barbeque"
"You do when you live on the eight floor" I pointed out
-
Imagine Billy Connolly saying :
What's the difference between Frank Sinatra & Walt Disney ?
Frank Sinatra sings but Walt Disney
-
I went to a paraplegic strip club the other day, the place was crawling with pussy
-
I went to a paraplegic strip club the other day, the place was crawling with pussy
Nine pages,and the first one that has made me chuckle
-
Who only chuckles at fellow lefty's jokes?
https://youtu.be/N5LveBIjg3o?si=1ejap8ZGz_KllJiJ&t=160
-
Who only chuckles at fellow lefty's jokes?
https://youtu.be/N5LveBIjg3o?si=1ejap8ZGz_KllJiJ&t=160
.
Sorry Dave,don't find you funny or entertaining. Never have,never will.
You keep trying tho lad.
Why not call me a troll for that reason you sad,poor fecker.
-
I very much doubt NNK would appreciate your endorsement of his material.
https://youtu.be/TN8V5ltaUoY?si=xgQ97IhB89R0vVVF
-
If people are happy to have their partners, sisters, mothers as the butt of their jokes then go right ahead.
-
Sydnaye, why don't you just f**k off?
-
Not forgetting grandmothers either, so funny
-
Kato, I'm surprised at you, not sure you've enhanced your chances getting onto the Club Doncaster totally inclusive committee.
-
There’s a Japanese company that has invented a camera with a shutter speed so fast it can actually capture an Australian with their mouth closed.
-
That's much better, not funny but not offensive either aye?
-
That's much better, not funny but not offensive either aye?
Sydney, have you ever been at sea or spent time amongst sailors?
-
Just say if you want to join the little schoolboys club club for puerile humour I'm almost certain they would want you, I'm afraid they don't have the smarts to share their 'jokes' by pm aye?
-
For want of a more moderate analogy, this thread has just got cancer.
-
Sydney, what would win in a fight between a Joey with boxing gloves on or a koala bear?
-
This is much better than your fascination of all things rolf harris, sport.
-
When I was just a little boy, I asked my mother what would I be, will I be handsome, will I be rich? Here's what she said to me....
No!
-
A nose went into a Pub and ordered a Pint
Can't serve you said Landlord " you're off you face "
-
My wife recons I'm gullible and financially irresponsible. Just wait till she hears I've won the Nigerian lottery.
-
All my family were police marksmen apart from my grandad who was a burglar. He died surrounded by all his family.
-
I've just made a ventriloquist dummy out of some old carpet.
It's ruggish.
-
I've just made a ventriloquist dummy out of some old carpet.
It's ruggish.
I gloody well laughed at that.
-
l've just found out l have been awarded a Guinness World Record for putting the most amount of clothes on a washing line.
That was a lot to take in.
-
A fervant Catholic lady had 8 children with her 1st husband After he died she had 19 more with her 2nd husband, at her funeral the Priest said At last they are together, at which point one of her children asked which husband?
The Priest replied neither, just her legs
-
Two old men sat in deckchairs. One turns to the other & says “It’s nice out isn’t it?”. The other one says “Yes it is. I think I’ll take mine out”.
-
My late uncle always said:
"The first rule of Theatre is to always leave them wanting more."
Great bloke, terrible anaesthetist.
-
A Man goes into a hardware shop" Bottle of meths please"
"No, sorry" replies the assistant. "I know you, you'll drink it"
"Well that's where you're wrong" he replied, "I've turned my life around, I'm a French Polisher now"
" I am so,so, sorry" replies the assistant "well done, have this with my compliments"
The man picks it up, thanks him, and asks "You haven't got a cold one have you?"
-
Just been to Qatar and local Sheik offered me 40 Camels for Mrs DW
I usually smoke Marlborough but it was still too good a deal to "pass up"
-
Just been to Qatar and local Sheik offered me 40 Camels for Mrs DW
I usually smoke Marlborough but it was still too good a deal to "pass up"
Did she get the hump over it DW?
-
Yes I had to call on the Consulate to mitigate
( whatever happened to them )
-
Yes I had to call on the Consulate to mitigate
( whatever happened to them )
They went to the Embassy.
-
Is that the one on Park Drive?
-
Some of these posts need filtering.
-
How do you circumcise a rotherham fan ?
Kick his sister in the jaw
-
My interpretation of drink responsibly....... don't spill any!
-
How do you circumcise a rotherham fan ?
Kick his sister in the jaw
How can you tell a virgin in Barnsley?
She can run faster than her brother
-
I had my patience tested, it was negative
-
Yes I had to call on the Consulate to mitigate
( whatever happened to them )
‘Cool as a mountain stream’.
Are we getting old wolf?
-
Twerking is what a Yorkshireman does to earn t’wages.
-
Two helium atoms walk into a bar. He He
-
Why did the butterfly flutter by?
Because the caterpillar flashed his pillock at her.
-
The police arrested two youths in our local park the other day.
One was drinking battery acid and the other was chewing a firework.
They charged one and let the other one off.
-
My neighbour threw milk, butter & eggs at me. How dairy.
-
My local indian restaurant was robbed last night. Several staff were hurt, the manager is in a Korma.
-
Don't you just hate it when someone answers their own questions?
I know I do.
-
People in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but those in Abu Dhabi Do.
-
Wayne Rooney's house has been burgled and his library ransacked.
He's very upset because he hadn't finished colouring some of them in
-
‘Boo’ is Aboriginal for ‘come back’.
That’s why when you throw an ordinary meringue……
-
I have a friend who reads 2 to 3 books a week, works out twice a day, has no financial worries, and has people who want to have sex with him all the time. And yet he constantly complains about how much he hates prison.
-
My psychiatrist says I have trouble verbalising my emotions.
I can't say I'm surprised.
-
So what if you can't spell Armageddon, it's not the end of the world.
-
Abracadabra, now there's a word to conjure with
-
A lad in my class told the teacher that he struggled to say words that had an f, t and h in them
The teacher replied “well you can’t say fairer than that then”.
-
My wife ran off with my best friend John yesterday
Since when has John been your best friend?
Since yesterday
-
Asked my doctor if he could give me something for wind. He gave me a kite!
-
What do call a chicken in a shellsuit?
An egg
-
A man walks into a cafe.
The waitress comes over and asks "What would you like?"
"I'd love a quicky" he replies. She slaps his face and storms off.
The woman on the next table leans over and whispers " It's pronounced quiche"
-
I asked for a wake-up call at a Premier Inn before going to bed the other week.
The receptionist said, "You're an alcoholic and you're killing yourself."
-
When I got home earlier, I found a large manilla envelope on my door mat.
On it was a sticker saying:
DO NOT BEND!
I still haven't worked-out how I'm going to pick it up.
-
I never apologise.
Sorry I’m just made that way.
-
Something I found out, the word gullible is not in the Oxford English Dictionary
-
What do Rovers do to promotion hopefuls dreams
Wrecks em
-
Did you know that there’s not a single canary in the Canary Islands?
The same holds for the Virgin Islands.
Really, not a single canary.
-
You do realise, that if the two blokes in ABBA were Steve & Dave, 'Dancing Queen' would have been sung by ASDA
-
Chap admitted to AnE with 25 toy plastic horses up his backside. The Doctor said he was fine and his condition was Stable
-
I was in the supermarket to buy some fly spray
" Is this good for wasps?" I asked the assistant
"No, it kills 'em"
-
I was in town this morning & I saw a group of people collecting for Parkinsons.
They were shaking tins which I thought was a bit insensitive.
-
Beware the dangers of wearing underpants made in Ukraine - Chernobyl Fallout.
-
The new fashion and make up shop is doing Ear Piercing 'while you wait'
-
I was up all night last night wondering what had happened to the sun, then it suddenly dawned me!
-
INTERVIEWER: " What would you say are your main qualities?"
APPLICANT: "Well, I lack empathy for people and I've been described as uncooperative, bordering on downright hostile"
INTERVIEWER: " Excellent!, Start on Monday at the doctors reception desk"
-
Of all the bad puns in the world, the ones about German sausages are the wurst.
-
I just can't see me living in a house without mirrors.
-
A really handsome bloke ran past me this evening. I thought, he’s dashing.
-
Newsflash! A man has been stealing wheels off police cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
-
Rumors of a food shortage at this year’s spoonerism conference turned out to be a complete lack of pies.
-
Two guys looking in a car showroom window. One says: "There's the one I'd get."
Seconds later he was beaten-up by a cyclops.
-
Breaking News....
Devon and Cornwall have cancelled their planned joint '60s & '70s retro music festival after a row over whether to put The Jam or Cream on first.
-
Polce toay announce they are nvestgatng a strng of ID thefts.
-
I was sitting by the pool with a sociology student and asked him, have you read Marx yet?
He said yes, I think its these wicker chairs.
-
I was driving the other day and thought Van Morrison was just behind me. Realised that the rearview mirror reverses things and it was actually a Morrisons Van
-
I'm selling my pet python on eBay and some bloke just rang up and asked, "Is it big?"
I said "It's huge."
He said "WOW! How many feet?"
I said "None, its a snake".
-
NNK,you are without doubt the king of one liners on this forum.