Tim Vine Jokes

[Pancho Regan]

We had a bit of a panic last night - our youngest son swallowed some Scrabble tiles.
His next trip to the toilet could spell disaster.

[Colin C No.3]

General Custer was in the fort when his aide shouted down to him “General, I don’t like the sound of those drums out there!” A voice from behind an outcrop shouted back “He’s not our regular drummer!”.

[Bentley Bullet]

Congratulations to my friends Mark and Ruth Norder, on their daughter Laura being accepted into the police force.

[SydneyRover]

 ............ and then Esther McVey said but this was far from an easy decision for me to make as it means relinquishing my role on GB News – in particular presenting a show I love with Phil [Davies]. I don’t think it is a coincidence that when the prime minister looked for a champion for common sense he selected someone from GB News – the home of common sense.

[Bentley Bullet]

A mate of mine lost his business despite always going that extra mile for people.

Lovely bloke, but a terrible taxi driver.

[Bentley Bullet]

Chocolate is vital for our survival. Dinosaurs didn't have chocolate and look what happened to them......

[Colin C No.3]

My wife - It’s difficult to say what she does for a living. She sells sea shells on the seashore.

[Pancho Regan]

As a joke for my wife’s 40th birthday, I replaced our bed with a trampoline.

She hit the roof.

[drfchound]

I have a joke about chemistry.
I won't tell it though in case i don't get a reaction.

[Pancho Regan]

I have a joke about chemistry.
I won't tell it though in case i don't get a reaction.

Hound, that reminds me of my chemistry lesson in school when the teacher asked “Can anyone tell me what nitrate is?”

I replied “ I don’t know about teachers but my Dad gets double time at Rockware”.

[ravenrover]

His wife came home from work ecstatically happy. She said to her husband, “I won the lottery. Quick, pack your bags.”
He said, “Where are we going?”
She said, “I’m not going anywhere.”

[ravenrover]

How does good King Wenceslas like his pizza?
Deep pan crisp and even

[ravenrover]

A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.

[ravenrover]

The fact that there is A Highway to Hell and only A Stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic

[Colin C No.3]

The Catholic Church is aware of the bad press it has received in recent years so in order to address this it has set up a scholarship for 100 boys to learn about the priesthood for free.

They’ve come up with a catchy slogan….’Feel the priest inside of you’.

[Bentley Bullet]

Just phoned PC World about my new laptop. I told them a tubby ginger-haired lass keeps appearing on screen singing 'Someone like you'. The bloke on the phone said, "Is it a Dell?" .......I said, "Yes, is it a common fault with them?"

[Bentley Bullet]

Scawsby Steve tried to get into a nightclub the other day. The Bouncer said, "Sorry sir, looks like you've had too many."

SS said, "What? Drinks?"

The Bouncer said, "No! Birthdays"

[andy didcott]

Keep em coming Bentley lad, very funny.

[Colin C No.3]

I went to visit my wife in hospital. A doctor came towards me & said “I’m afraid your wife’s very critical”. I patted him on the shoulder & said “Don’t worry, you’ll get used to it”.

[belton rover]

I spotted an albino Dalmatian this morning.

Well, it was the least I could do.

[Bentley Bullet]

I saw a sign today that made me piss me'sen....

[Colin C No.3]

I went to my barbers today, he said “Short back & sides?” I said “I’ve come for a haircut, not to be measured for a suit!”.

[ravenrover]

We used to have empires run by emperors, then we had kingdoms run by kings.
Now we have countries…

[knockers]

You’ve been listening to Jethro!

[ravenrover]

Who?
I lifted this off X

[i_ateallthepies]

I first heard it 50 years ago in (I think) Bolton WMC, on-Dearn that is.

[welloffside]

I found out today that if you bang two horses together it sounds like a coconut

[Colin C No.3]

My wife told me “Sex is much better when you’re on holiday”.
That wasn’t a very nice postcard to get.

[Donnywolf]

I went to my barbers today, he said “Short back & sides?” I said “I’ve come for a haircut, not to be measured for a suit!”.

I went to Barbers and lady was breast feeding a Baby

You're next , I said no thanks , only came for a Haircut

[Donnywolf]

Oxygen invited Potassium out on a date

It was OK I suppose