Tim Vine Jokes

[welloffside]

I was in the pub last night. "Anyone got a newspaper?" I asked

A bloke chuckled. "Nobody buys newspapers anymore, here use my i-pad"

That wasp never knew what hit it.

[Bentley Bullet]

Did my back in falling off a camel while on holiday in Egypt.

Luckily, my travel insurance covered the cost of seeing a Cairo practor.

[Bentley Bullet]

I bought a jumper from M&S. I kept getting static electric shocks from it, so I returned it, and they gave me another one free of charge

[Reg of the Rovers]

I bought a jumper from M&S. I kept getting static electric shocks from it, so I returned it, and they gave me another one free of charge

Watt? Did they let you take it ohm?

[Not Now Kato]

I've just bought the latest U2 Sat Nav.  It's rubbish, the streets have no names and I still haven't found what I'm looking for!

[welloffside]

Does anyone know how long to cook those 'Boil in a bag fish' for?

Only I didn't get any instructions at the funfair

[Not Now Kato]

A recent survey reveals 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy.

[tommy toes]

This morning I put a World map on the kitchen wall, gave a dart to Mrs T and told her to throw it and where it landed I’ll take her on a long holiday there.
We’re spending 3 weeks behind the fridge.

[Not Now Kato]

In 2026 I am going to dedicate more time to helping deaf wildebeest.
 
That’s my gnu ears resolution.

[welloffside]

I said "When I give blood, the nurse does it all"

"I know" she replied " But it doesn't work like that at the sperm bank"

[Not Now Kato]

 

With all the talk of snow, ice and rain I decided to watch the weather report earlier and the weather lady said something about expecting eight inches tonight. I thought, not with your face love!

[Bentley Bullet]

With all the talk of snow, ice and rain I decided to watch the weather report earlier and the weather lady said something about expecting eight inches tonight. I thought, not with your face love!

Apparently, her boyfriend's Scawsby Steve, and I doubt he could manage it four times at his age!

[scawsby steve]

With all the talk of snow, ice and rain I decided to watch the weather report earlier and the weather lady said something about expecting eight inches tonight. I thought, not with your face love!

Apparently, her boyfriend's Scawsby Steve, and I doubt he could manage it four times at his age!

Since when has Ann Widdicombe been presenting the weather report?

[Bentley Bullet]

My mate needed a bone marrow transplant. We found a match in Argentina, and the operation was a success.

Our thanks go to Diego marrow donor.

[Not Now Kato]

Some friends are holding a joint party for the Chinese New Year and Burns Night - they're calling it ‘Chinese Burns Night’

I don't really want to go, but they're twisting my arm.

[Not Now Kato]

My New Years resolution is to stop being condescending to people.

You do know what condescending means, don't you?

[Pancho Regan]

Apparently, if the US President is in danger of being shot at, his bodyguards no longer shout “Watch out Mr. President!”

They just shout “Donald, duck!”

[Pancho Regan]

With Christmas and New Year behind us, all my neighbours are miserable, so to cheer them up I’ve put up a marquee in the garden with music and flashing lights.

Now is the Winter of my disco tent.