Tim Vine Jokes

[welloffside]

I was in the pub last night. "Anyone got a newspaper?" I asked

A bloke chuckled. "Nobody buys newspapers anymore, here use my i-pad"

That wasp never knew what hit it.

[Bentley Bullet]

Did my back in falling off a camel while on holiday in Egypt.

Luckily, my travel insurance covered the cost of seeing a Cairo practor.

[Bentley Bullet]

I bought a jumper from M&S. I kept getting static electric shocks from it, so I returned it, and they gave me another one free of charge

[Reg of the Rovers]

I bought a jumper from M&S. I kept getting static electric shocks from it, so I returned it, and they gave me another one free of charge

Watt? Did they let you take it ohm?

[Not Now Kato]

I've just bought the latest U2 Sat Nav.  It's rubbish, the streets have no names and I still haven't found what I'm looking for!

[welloffside]

Does anyone know how long to cook those 'Boil in a bag fish' for?

Only I didn't get any instructions at the funfair

[Not Now Kato]

A recent survey reveals 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy.

[tommy toes]

This morning I put a World map on the kitchen wall, gave a dart to Mrs T and told her to throw it and where it landed I’ll take her on a long holiday there.
We’re spending 3 weeks behind the fridge.

[Not Now Kato]

In 2026 I am going to dedicate more time to helping deaf wildebeest.
 
That’s my gnu ears resolution.

[welloffside]

I said "When I give blood, the nurse does it all"

"I know" she replied " But it doesn't work like that at the sperm bank"

[Not Now Kato]

 

With all the talk of snow, ice and rain I decided to watch the weather report earlier and the weather lady said something about expecting eight inches tonight. I thought, not with your face love!

[Bentley Bullet]

With all the talk of snow, ice and rain I decided to watch the weather report earlier and the weather lady said something about expecting eight inches tonight. I thought, not with your face love!

Apparently, her boyfriend's Scawsby Steve, and I doubt he could manage it four times at his age!

[scawsby steve]

With all the talk of snow, ice and rain I decided to watch the weather report earlier and the weather lady said something about expecting eight inches tonight. I thought, not with your face love!

Apparently, her boyfriend's Scawsby Steve, and I doubt he could manage it four times at his age!

Since when has Ann Widdicombe been presenting the weather report?

[Bentley Bullet]

My mate needed a bone marrow transplant. We found a match in Argentina, and the operation was a success.

Our thanks go to Diego marrow donor.

[Not Now Kato]

Some friends are holding a joint party for the Chinese New Year and Burns Night - they're calling it ‘Chinese Burns Night’

I don't really want to go, but they're twisting my arm.

[Not Now Kato]

My New Years resolution is to stop being condescending to people.

You do know what condescending means, don't you?

[Pancho Regan]

Apparently, if the US President is in danger of being shot at, his bodyguards no longer shout “Watch out Mr. President!”

They just shout “Donald, duck!”

[Pancho Regan]

With Christmas and New Year behind us, all my neighbours are miserable, so to cheer them up I’ve put up a marquee in the garden with music and flashing lights.

Now is the Winter of my disco tent.

[Bentley Bullet]

I've just found out the shocking news that our lass used to be a hooker.

She was called Graham, and she played for Castleford.

[Not Now Kato]

Teacher says to Little Johnny “Johnny, I’d like you to tell the class something you’re not good at that begins with the letter N”
 
Little Johnny thinks for a few seconds, clears his throat and says “Spelling”
 

[Not Now Kato]

A Dog and a Cat are having an argument about which one humans prefer.  The Dog says "Humans like us more, they even named a tooth after us, the 'Canine', naming a body part after us proves they like us best"
 
The Cat smiles and says "I don't think you're going to be wining this one..........."

[welloffside]

Everyone goes on about Rudolph the red nosed reindeer.

No one ever mentions Randolph the brown nosed reindeer.

He could run as fast as Rudolph, he just couldn't stop as quick.

[Pancho Regan]

A guy goes into a bookshop:

“I’m looking for a book on turtles”

“Hardback?”

“Yes, with very small heads”

[welloffside]

The same chap went into another bookshop and enquired about books on paranoia.

"Ah, yes," replied the assistant. "They're behind you".

[Not Now Kato]

Went to the doctors with a golf ball stuck up my bum
 
He said "It's in a fair way"

[Pancho Regan]

Two mates were chatting about which European country they’d like to live in.

“I quite fancy Switzerland” said one.

“What’s good about Switzerland?” asked his mate.

“I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus”.

[Not Now Kato]

I now identify as a can of deodorant.
 
And before you ask, yes, I'm Sure.
 

[Bentley Bullet]

My Grandson is at that age when he's started crawling. You know the age, "You're the best Grandad ever, can I have a tenner?"

[Not Now Kato]

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

[Bentley Bullet]

My wife told me our marriage was over because I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right...