Tim Vine Jokes

[Pancho Regan]

I was proudly showing my wife the selfie I got with the band at an REM gig.

I said "That's me in the corner"

[Usher wide.]

I remember as a kid we used to like dipping ginger nuts into scalding hot tea. I suppose these days they’d class that as bullying.

[Donnywolf]

What is most common Owl in the UK

Tea tOwel

[Bentley Bullet]

I went by the house I grew up in and asked if I could go in and look around. They said no and slammed the door.

My parents can be so bloody rude.

[Usher wide.]

A woman from Dunscroft went into the doctors & said “I haven’t had a poo for six days”.

The doctor prescribed her some suppositories saying “I want you to put one of these in your back passage every night before you go to bed & come back & see me in a week”.

A week later she went back to the doctors in agony saying she still hadn’t been.

The doctor said “Did you put the medication I gave you up your back passage as I instructed?”.

She replied “We don’t have a back passage so I put them on the back doorstep every night & I’m telling you now, for what good they’ve done I might as well have shoved them up my arse!”.

[SydneyRover]

Very similar to the one you told on April 6th oops, make that Sept 4 last year Usher.

[Usher wide.]

Very similar to the one you told on April 6th oops, make that Sept 4 last year Usher.

I hate repeating myself, it won’t happen again. I hate repeating myself.

[Bentley Bullet]

"I have a problem with my left ear."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm definite."

[Usher wide.]

I went into a lingerie shop & asked the shop assistant “Are these panties satin?” She said “No, they’re brand new”.

[Bentley Bullet]

My girlfriend says that if you love each other, a small penis is not an issue in a relationship.

But deep down, I still wish she didn't have one.

[Bentley Bullet]

Me and my mate went to the pub today and I pointed at these two pissed up grey haired old buggers and said, "That'll be us one day."

My mate said, "Mate, that's a mirror."

[Bentley Bullet]

My girlfriend accused me of cheating.

I said, "You're beginning to sound like my wife."

[ravenrover]

Don't remember seeibg this one

And then there was the guy who took some Viagra –
it got stuck in his throat and all he got was a stiff neck.


X

[Not Now Kato]

I thought I saw Michael J Fox at the garden centre earlier, I couldn’t tell for certain, he had his back to the fuchsias.
 

[welloffside]

I'm a bit overweight. I saw an article written by a doctor that said walking 5 miles a day would help me lose some weight. It would benefit my heart, help me mentally, and, believe it or not help my sex life. My wife nudged me in the ribs and said " go for it"

You know, that doctor was right, here I am 10 days later in Ripon shagging a barmaid.

[Bentley Bullet]

My mate told me that his wife was in hospital and passing the time playing Snakes & Ladders and Draughts.

Any Chess? I asked.

He said, " No, she's gone private."

[Pancho Regan]

I’ve been a bit down lately so my wife suggested I tried therapy.

So I gave it a go, and on my first session the therapist asked:
“Do you know the difference between ignorance and apathy?”

I replied “I don’t know and I don’t care”.

[Usher wide.]

I was stood on the seashore & started thinking about rising sea levels.

A bloke walked up next to me & threw a stone into the waves & I thought to myself ‘We’ll that’s not helping’.

[Bentley Bullet]

I've just been helping Cat Stevens fix his caravan.

His awning has broken.

[Usher wide.]

After my wife died I wasn’t able to look at another woman for over 20 years, but now I’m out of prison….

[Not Now Kato]

Free for collection, a couple of Sooty and Sweep puppets. I just want them off my hands.

[Usher wide.]

IKEA have started doing furniture specifically for lesbians. No nuts & bolts just tongue & groove.





Too edgy?

[Not Now Kato]

Just having a drink and a chat with an old bloke in my local last night.

I discovered he was worth around £12 million and he told me the amazing story of how he got so rich.

Basically when he left school he had little or no formal qualifications but he was good with his hands and he knew how to sell.  He knew he was never going to make it in an office job so it was nose to the grindstone time.

He left school at 15 and bought an old series Land Rover and spent a few weeks fixing it up, then sold it for a profit. He then used the money to buy another and so on. He did this a lot over the next 25 years, buying, repairing, selling, buying again.

He eventually moved onto Defenders in the 90's and then onto Range Rovers in the last eight or nine years.

Even during the really bad times he plugged away. He worked long hours as you do in the Land Rover trade, sometimes not seeing his wife and kids for days in pursuit of his goal.

Then his uncle died and left him £12 million.

[Not Now Kato]

Just had my flight home from Gibraltar to Glasgow cancelled. Now I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

[Reg of the Rovers]

Just got myself a Corgi. He’s terrible at playing catch, but excellent at reviewing the work of gas engineers.

[Bentley Bullet]

Little Richard helped me in the garden.

He lopped all the rhubarb, he lopped bamboo.

[Bentley Bullet]

I asked my doctor if masturbation was bad for my eyesight....

He said, "You're in Halford's mate."

[Bentley Bullet]

My mate phoned me and said, "I'm in a quiz, could you help me? What is the second-largest state in America?"

I  replied, "Texas"

Thirty seconds later, he sent a message to my phone saying, "What is the second-largest state in America?"

[Usher wide.]

My dad was christened William but everyone knew him as Will.

That may explain why in WWII, he was shot at more times than any other soldier in his regiment.

[Pancho Regan]

At the height of his Star Trek fame, William Shatner attempted to start his own ladies lingerie brand.

Unfortunately, for some reason ‘Shatner Panties’ never caught on.