Tim Vine Jokes

[Bentley Bullet]

A horse goes into a bar. The barman’s a donkey. They get chatting and the donkey asks the horse what he does for a living. The horse replies that he’s a flat racer. The donkey asks him if he’s any good. The horse replies that he’s won the Derby, the St. Leger and the Oaks. The donkey, not wishing to be embarrassed by the horse’s achievements, points to a picture of a zebra on the bar wall and says “That’s me when I played for Juventus!”.

[belton rover]

My favourite TV joke:

I went to the gym and said to the instructor’Can you teach me how to do the splits?’
He looked me up and down and replied ‘How flexible are you?
I said ‘I can’t do Tuesdays and Thursdays.’

[Metalmicky]

“I went in to a pet shop and asked the owner ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’
The gent asked, ‘Do you want an aquarium?’
I said, ‘I don’t care what star sign it is.'”

[Metalmicky]

I bought some Armageddon cheese today....it said on the packet ‘Best Before End…'”

[TheFunk]

I've just come back from a once in a lifetime holiday....never again.

[Donnywolf]

Crime in a multi storey car park
It's wrong on every level

[Bentley Bullet]

I know this might make me sound big-headed but I honestly can't get my jumper off!

[Bentley Bullet]

I hated playing the triangle in the school orchestra, it was just one Ting after another.

[drfchound]

I bought some Armageddon cheese today....it said on the packet ‘Best Before End…'”

I like that cheese from that place Jesus came from, Cheeses of Nazareth.

[Bentley Bullet]

I got a lift to the sixteenth floor, and as I got out, the operator said, "Have a good day, son."
"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad!"
He said: “No, but I brought you up, didn't I?".

[belton rover]

Talking about cheese, I came out of Tesco last night and this kid started throwing cheese at me. I said ‘Oh, that’s really mature!’
Then he poured milk over my head and I thought ‘how dairy.’

[BillyStubbsTears]

Second hand shop was selling a TV for £1, with only fault being the volume button.

I couldn't turn it down.

I sold them my old hoover. Well it was just collecting dust.

[BillyStubbsTears]

Tim Vine is a master of one half of humour.

Stephen Fry said all jokes are either logic gone wrong (what Vine does) or some offence against moral standards.

The best jokes are ones which hit both targets. Which is why the best one of all time is Rik Mayall's.

Why did the pervert cross the road?
Because he had his knob stuck in the chicken. 

[belton rover]

Tim Vine is a master of one half of humour.

Stephen Fry said all jokes are either logic gone wrong (what Vine does) or some offence against moral standards.

The best jokes are ones which hit both targets. Which is why the best one of all time is Rik Mayall's.

Why did the pervert cross the road?
Because he had his knob stuck in the chicken. 

Disgraceful to write such filth on a Tim Vine thread.

Back to family fun:

Eric Bristow asked me why I put superglue on one of his darts. I said ‘you just can’t let it go can you?

[Bentley Bullet]

Tim Vine is a master of one half of humour.

Stephen Fry said all jokes are either logic gone wrong (what Vine does) or some offence against moral standards.

The best jokes are ones which hit both targets. Which is why the best one of all time is Rik Mayall's.

Why did the pervert cross the road?
Because he had his knob stuck in the chicken. 

He's not very good at magic either. He can only do half a trick. He's a member of the magic semi-circle.

[Not Now Kato]

What's red and invisible?
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
No Tomatoes

[Bentley Bullet]

I wondered why my head was getting smaller.
Then I realised I'd picked up the potato peeler instead of my comb!

[Bentley Bullet]

Centre Parcs has been put up for sale at £5 billion quid.

......Or £36 billion if bought during the school holidays.

[Bentley Bullet]

Elton John has bought a treadmill for his rabbit.
It's a little fit bunny.

[Bentley Bullet]

I saw my bank manager today he mistook me for a pop star, he said I was in Dire Straits

[Colin C No.3]

I’d like to die peacefully in my sleep, like my Grandad did……not screaming & shouting like the other passengers in his car.

[Bentley Bullet]

I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

[Bentley Bullet]

Injured my calf last night playing football.
I guess cows just aren't cut out for 5-a-side.

[Bentley Bullet]

I was talking to my mate on the phone. I said, "I went to see that film about the 1976 Formula One rivalry between James Hunt and the Austrian driver". He said: "Lauda?". I said, "I WENT TO SEE THAT FILM .."

[Bentley Bullet]

My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I'd been hiding.
She said she's never playing Scrabble with me again.

[Colin C No.3]

The past, presence & future walk into a bar. It was tense.

[StocktonRover]

The past, presence & future walk into a bar. It was tense.

Heard that one on 6music yesterday

[Colin C No.3]

The past, presence & future walk into a bar. It was tense.

Heard that one on 6music yesterday

I was on 6 music yesterday!

[belton rover]

I’ve just bought a Premier League cordless drill.

No leads.

[ravenrover]

What do the Premier league and a cordless drill have in common
No leads (leeds)
Curtesy of twitter