Tim Vine Jokes

[Bentley Bullet]

The Proclaimers' lawn is getting a bit long, so they have been to a number of B&Q stores looking to buy something to cut it with but they are all out of stock...

They've been to Bathgate, no mower, Linwood, no mower, Methill, no mower, Irvine, no mower...

[Donnywolf]

What do the Premier league and a cordless drill have in common
No leads (leeds)
Curtesy of twitter

... and me 28th May 1 minute after final whistle

Anyway I went to Garden Centre for a swing for between trees. They wanted twice as much as I had but we came to a hammockable agreement

[Donnywolf]

I tried to climb Everest and failed. It was a-nepal-ling failure

[Colin C No.3]

I went into the pet shop & asked for a wasp.

The shopkeeper said “We don’t sell wasps”.

“Well you’ve got one in the window”.

[Not Now Kato]

There's a new razor designed for dyslexics.

It's the best thing since sliced beard.

[Donnywolf]

I really love those Golden coloured Horses

If fact any Palomino's a Pal 'o mino

[Bentley Bullet]

A Woodworm walks into a bar and say's, ‘Is the bartender here?’

[Colin C No.3]

“I said to this bloke, go on, hit me in the face. So he did. As I lay on the floor I thought to myself, I asked for this”.

[Bentley Bullet]

I went to Poole last week.
In Dorset?
Yes, I can heartily recommend it.

[Colin C No.3]

I’ve always been afraid I’d wind up an old man. He might take offence & thump me.

[Colin C No.3]

Exit signs. They’re on the way out.

[belton rover]

Eric Bristow asked me why I put superglue on one of his darts. I said ‘you just can’t let it go can you?

[Colin C No.3]

My son came home with a ‘thick ear’.

I said “Who did that!?”, he said “Mr Crosby next door caught me apple scrumping in his garden & clipped me round my ear”.

So I dragged him next door & banged on it loudly. Mr Crosby answered the door & I said “Right, hit my son whilst I’m here”, so he did.

I puffed my chest out, told my son to get up & said to Crosby “Right, hit him again in front of me if you dare”, so he did.

I looked at Crosby straight in the eye, turned to where my son was lying, picked him up & said “Right son, c’mon home you’ve had enough”.

[Bentley Bullet]

I'm fat, but I identify as skinny.

I'm Trans-Slender.

[Colin C No.3]

I went into an iron mongers & said “I’d like a box of nails please”, the storekeeper said “How long do you want them?, I said “I want to keep them”.

[Bentley Bullet]

I wish I knew who kicked the jack out from under the car I'm working on.

The suspension is killing me.

[Colin C No.3]

I went into my local RSPCA offices today.

It was tiny.

Honestly, you couldn’t swing a cat in there.

[Bentley Bullet]

I went into a horrible pub called The Fiddle the other day.

It was a vile Inn.

[Colin C No.3]

I went into a record shop & asked the assistant “What have you got by The Doors?”, he said “A bucket of sand & a fire blanket”.

[belton rover]

I was walking through the woods and saw a Leeds Utd season ticket nailed to a tree.
I thought, ‘I’m having that!’

You can never have too many nails, can you?

[Donnywolf]

Apparently John Wayne was in 50 films and reputedly mentioned a Car in every one.

Yep it was Audi Pardner

[Colin C No.3]

So this policeman came towards me carrying a large sheet of thin paper & a pencil. He stopped & said to me “I’d like you to help me trace someone”.

[scawsby steve]

A guy says to the psychiatrist, "I keep thinking I'm a set of curtains".

The shrink says, "For God's sake man, pull yourself together".

That's it, I'm definitely getting mi coat now.

[BillyStubbsTears]

I went to the doctor.

I said "Doctor I've got a cricket ball stuck up me arse."

Doctor says "How's that?"

I said "Don't you bleeding start an all."

[Bentley Bullet]

Got up this morning and there was a tap on my door.

He's got a weird sense of humour our local plumber.

[BigH]

I bumped into the chuckle brothers,; “Hi Tim”

Timmy to you

[Colin C No.3]

I saw an RAC man sobbing uncontrollably over the wheel of his van. I thought to myself, “That blokes heading for a breakdown”.

[Bentley Bullet]

Saw a L**ds Utd fan with a gorgeous girl on his arm the other day,

..... " Nice tattoo", I said.

[Colin C No.3]

So, I went to the cemetery to lay some flowers & I saw four blokes carrying a coffin around the graveyard.

An hour later they were still carrying the coffin around. I thought to myself “They’ve lost the plot”.

[Bentley Bullet]

I  saw a busker once playing the violin and selling stolen goods on a weighbridge.

He was fiddling on a big scale.