Viking Supporters Co-operative
Viking Chat => Off Topic => Topic started by: bobjimwilly on August 03, 2016, 05:01:52 pm
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Post em here; something to pick the mood up in this off-topic section. Remember - the worst ones are the best!
What did the Buffalo say to his boy when he dropped him off at school?
Bison.
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That's 2 lines.......isn't it ?
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Cowboy walks into a German car showroom says audi :coat:
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A horse walks into a bar. The barman says, "hey, why the long face?"
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There's one thing me and the Duke of Westminster have in common, we both come from estates.
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I went to see my doctor the other day and asked him for something for my liver. He gave me a pound of onions.
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Fella walks into a bar, he says OUCH!!! It was an iron bar.
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I've just come back from a once in a lifetime holiday. Never again.
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A turd walks into a bar. The barman says "I'm not serving you, you're steaming."
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Bloke walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says "a pint for me and one for the road".
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A foreign bloke in Bentley has been shot with a starting pistol, police say it's
definitely race related.
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Police round here are doing a fingertip search, so far they've not found any.
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I fear for the calendar...it’s days are numbered.
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Child abuse in multi-storey car parks. That's just wrong on so many levels.
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MikeF by a short head! Plenty of good uns though. I'm still smiling.
BobG
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Went to buy a watch. Salesman said, "Analogue?" I said, "No, just a watch."
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Churchill must have half a dozen entries for this... What about that woman MP he told, to her face, that she was ugly as sin? Only much better phrased and quick witted than that.
Actually, I've remembered one:
"U-Boats are those dastardly villains that sink our ships. Submarines are those brave and glorious craft that sink theirs".
Always makes me chuckle that.
Bob
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Lorry load of amphibious reptiles has crashed in Hull. Police say it's a turtle disaster.
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Bob, was one of those ones a bit like this?
"Madam you are ugly"
"Sir you are drunk!"
"But in the morning I will be sober!"
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Pretty much on those lines IDM Yes. Of course, it's not not a 1 liner though! Lol. He was brilliant at them though.
Cheers
Bob
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I ate a parrot for my tea. It keeps repeating on me
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Pretty much on those lines IDM Yes. Of course, it's not not a 1 liner though! Lol. He was brilliant at them though.
Cheers
Bob
More here http://www.goodreads.com/topic/show/478012-favorite-winston-churchill-quotes (http://www.goodreads.com/topic/show/478012-favorite-winston-churchill-quotes)
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A lorry full of snooker equipment has lost its load on the M1 tonight, police said there are cue's for miles.
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How about the classic one liner,
"Lewis Guy, great in training"
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Thank you IDM. I got that booked marked!
Lady Astor said to Churchill, "If you were my husband, I'd poison your tea," to which he responded, "Madam, if you were my wife, I'd drink it!"
Ha ha ha!
Bob
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My wife almost killed me earlier by accidentally feeding me mushroom poison. Fortunately, I saw the fungicide.
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BNAG - That's BANG out of order!!
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Barnsley man went to get a golden statue made of his recently deceased whippet. Sculptor said, Do you want it 18 carat?" Dingle said, "Nehw! Chewing a bone!"
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I've deleted all the German contacts from my phone. Now it's Hans free.
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''Take my wife, please''!, ''I take her everywhere, and she keeps finding her way back''.
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This bloke asked me what's the difference between ignorance and apathy, told him I don't know and I don't care.
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I knew guy who was into sadism, necrophilia and bestiality, but I think he was just flogging a dead horse.
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German asked the barman for a martini.
Dry? asked the barman. Nein just one said Hans
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A girl walks into a bar, asks the bartender for a double entendre. So he gave her one.
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She was only the fishmonger's daughter, but she showed me the plaice and said fillet!
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She was only a Welders daughter but she had Acetylene t**s
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A Ship carrying Red paint collided with a Ship carrying Blue Paint. 15 Sailors were marooned
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Frankie Dettori was leading by miles in last years Leger when he was hit by a flying Sausage Roll with 200 yards to go. He recovered only to be hit by a Scotch Egg then a slice of Pork Pie and then he was overtaken and lost the race. Sporting Life said he was badly hampered in the final Furlong
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What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.
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Bloke walks into pub, he has amphibian on his shoulder.
"Pint for me and glass of water for tiny" says he to bartender.
"Why do you call your amphibious friend tiny" says bartender.
"because he is mynewt" came reply.
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My mate had custard in one ear and blancmange in the other, he was a trifle deaf.
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Black Beauty. There's a dark horse.
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If i had a pound for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
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New leader :) DW with the maroon sailors. That's just cracked me up.
Bob
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What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?
You can't wash your hands in a buffalo.
What's the difference between a stoat and a weasil?
One is weasily recognised and the other is stoatally different.
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Who speaks French and likes blow jobs? Moi!!!
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My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.
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At school the other kids used to push me around and call me lazy; I loved that wheelchair.
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I couldn't understand why the frisbee flying towards me was getting bigger.. then it hit me.
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The pollen count, there's a hard job.
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So...Hands up who has a copy of the Tim Vine Joke Book
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Aye. Bang to rights. Although I haven't copied the turtle disaster joke back off him. I was telling it when Tim Vine still had hair.
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I can't believe it i've been outvoted 1-1 by my wife again.
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I went to the zoo and all they had was one small dog. It was a shitzu.
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Like that one Mike.
I used to be into necrophilia, til the rotten Kitson split on me.
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Bloke from Barnsley asks a vet to look at his cat. "Is it a tom?", says the vet. "No its in t'car"
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Lad from Barnsley crying by the canal. Bloke walks past asks him what's up, lad sez me mates fell int canal. Bloke sez I'll dive in and save him. Lad sez no it's me mate out me sandwich.
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I've always struggled to pronounce Fs and THs. Can't say fairer than that.
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What the difference between a Vitamin and a Hormone ..... you cant hear a Vitamin
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What's the difference between Boiled Carrots and Pea Soup ? Anybody can boil Carrots
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2 flies on a piece of shit.
One of them farts, the other says "do you mind im eating!"
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So I asked this bloke from Zurich what were the benefits of being Swiss. He said, "The flag is a big plus."
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Been done, Billy
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Kin ell. And I'd only just made that one up.
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I thought about becoming a funeral director but it's a dying trade.
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I was playing poker with that bloke from Fun House last night but he kept upping my bets. He was Raiser Sharpe.
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Sturgeon and Salmond want to remain in Europe. Is that the Common Fisheries Policy?
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'I never forget a face, but in your case i'd be glad to make an exception'.
'He's got a face, only a mother could love'.
'Do you know, you would make a cracking toby jug'.
'I'm on a whisky diet, i've lost three days already'.
'Slowly, slowly, to catch a monkey'.
'Don't let your left hand, know what your right hands doing'.
'Sometimes, it's better for people to think you are an idiot, than opening your mouth, and confirming it'.
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Some famous names behind a couple of them Sammy!
Groucho Marks and a paraphrase of Otto von Bismarck I know for sure. Whose are the others?
Cheers!
BobG
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Another Marx one :
I would not want to be a Member of a Football Forum that would have me as a Member
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'I never forget a face, but in your case i'd be glad to make an exception'.
'He's got a face, only a mother could love'.
'Do you know, you would make a cracking toby jug'.
'I'm on a whisky diet, i've lost three days already'.
'Slowly, slowly, to catch a monkey'.
'Don't let your left hand, know what your right hands doing'.
'Sometimes, it's better for people to think you are an idiot, than opening your mouth, and confirming it'.
Some famous names behind a couple of them Sammy!
Groucho Marks and a paraphrase of Otto von Bismarck I know for sure. Whose are the others?
Cheers!
BobG
The second one, is one of my own, the bottom two are from my uncle, where he got them from, i don't know, the others were copied off the internet.
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A mate has just said he is stopping smoking and will now ONLY have a fag after every meal, He's already down to 40 meals a day
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The last one, Sammy, is a paraphrase of something Bismarck said about Napoleon III just after he'd met him for the first time, in Biarritz, I think it was.
That mother love one is pretty good. I have heard it before but I got no idea who invented it. If you google it its been around for aeons but even there it can't suggest a point of origin.
Keep 'em coming! I'm enjoying a lot of these :)
Cheers
Bob
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Got up this morning and there was a tap on my door. Funny sense of humour our local plumber.
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The last one, Sammy, is a paraphrase of something Bismarck said about Napoleon III just after he'd met him for the first time, in Biarritz, I think it was.
That mother love one is pretty good. I have heard it before but I got no idea who invented it. If you google it its been around for aeons but even there it can't suggest a point of origin.
Keep 'em coming! I'm enjoying a lot of these :)
Cheers
Bob
Sorry bob, i meant the third from last, and second from last, were ones from my uncle, i didn't know that about the bottom one, something learnt, never a bad thing.
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Why do bears have hairy coats? Fur protection
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If idiots grew on trees this place would be a orchard.
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One from my teenage years:
"If wit were shit, you'd be constipated"..
One when we'd been on the piss, and one lad was taking a leak at the edge of the car park, being approached by the feds, cue another lad shouting:
"It's like a penis, only smaller!"
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"I've decided to sell my Vacuum cleaner, well.... it was just gathering dust".
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"I've just gotten back from a once in a lifetime holiday, never again...
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I've just had all my teeth out at the dentist, Never again....
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If idiots grew on trees this place would be a orchard.
I would like to a-ppeal your decision ! It a-ppears a little wrong !
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RIP boiling water, you shall be mist
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"Anyone heard reciting Shakespeare in this pub will be bard".
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Some common Irish sayings ( its true ). Not one liners but humourous.
1.'You three are a right pair if ever I saw one!'
2.'How come every time you ring a wrong number it's never engaged?'
3.'Spread out in a bunch.'
4.'Hello, Mary, how's your new false teeth?' asked Bridget. 'I'm leaving them out till I get used to them!' said Mary.
5.'That's my lot,' said McCarthy leaving the dentist's. 'I've just had all my teeth out - never again!'
6..O'Callaghan was getting irate and shouted upstairs to his wife, 'Hurry up or we'll be late.'
'Oh, be quiet,' replied his wife. 'Haven't I been telling you for the last hour that I'll be ready in a minute?'
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When I was a kid I went on Jim'l Fixit.
He fixed it for me to milk a cow in the dark !!
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I'm sick to death of all these Olympic athletes going on about their years of hard work and personal sacrifices - what do they want, a fecking medal??
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my dad used to say always fight fire with fire, which is probably why he got sacked as a fireman
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Edinborough Fringe one liner 2016.
My father has persuaded me to go on the organ donor register. He's a man after my own heart.
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I was in the pub and some bald fella kept poking me in the ribs with a snooker cue. He was a Thorne in my side.
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I was in the pub and some bald fella kept poking me in the ribs with a snooker cue. He was a Thorne in my side.
Could have been worse, could have been his Willie.
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I was in a pub judging gravy made from darts players.They all tasted foul apart from the last one which tasted familiar......
Ah! Bristow.
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I went in the Barbers the other day and as there were no customers the young lady was breast feeding her Baby. She looked up and said "You're next" and I said "No thanks ... I only want a Haircut"
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Q What's the difference between Boiled Carrots & Pea Soup ?
A Anyone can boil carrots
Q What's the difference between a Vitamin and a Hormone
A You cant hear a Vitamin
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Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask
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Why is it old people say "there's no place like home", yet when you put them in one...............
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I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words
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The two rules of a genius.
1) Don't tell people everything
2) ......................................
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Don't you hate it when people assume you're rich because you sound posh, went to a private school and have loads of money?