You can't win.....

[CusworthRovers]

I thought I was being a gent and decided to hold the door open for a lovely young lady. After 2 minutes of me holding the door she told me to f**k off as she was trying to have a shit.

[Dickie Dido]

A woman who was stood next to me at the supermarket with a pot on her leg stumbled, so I grabbed hold of her crutch......Then she slapped me across the face.  :S

[Sandy Lane]

Classic Rodney Dangerfield jokes which always crack me up:  

\"I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west!\"

\"My mother had morning sickness after I was born.\"

\"When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.\"

\"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.\"

\"I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.\"

\"I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette!\"

\"They say, 'Love thy neighbor as thy self.' What am I supposed to do? Jerk him off too?\"

\"I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.\"

\"A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.\"

\"I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No. I hate myself now.'\"

\"I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, 'What'll you have?' I said, 'surprise me.' He showed me a naked picture of my wife.\"

\"I went to see my doctor — you know him, Dr. Vinny Boom Batz. I told him, \"Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?' He said, 'I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect.\"\"

\"My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, 'If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion.' He said, \"All right, you're ugly too.\"\"

\"My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.\"

\"During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.\"

 

[CusworthRovers]

My wife thinks I'm a right nosey bas**rd. I wish she would say it to my face, rather then write it in her diary.


After a night on the town consisting of wild drinking and messy sex, I woke to find myself next to the biggest, fattest, ugliest woman I'd ever seen. That's when I realised I'd made it home safely.


I woke up this morning and could just smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing. I panicked, I simply didn't know what to do.........then I remembered Weatherspoons serve breakfast at 11am