Nervous....(joke)

[jucyberry]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, \"When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.
If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.\"

The next Sunday finally arrived he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a sip, and then another sip, and then another again. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door

1. Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Farther, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the •••• out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the \"Big T.\"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, \"take this and eat it for it is my body. He did not say Eat me\".
12. The Virgin Mary is not called \" Mary with the Cherry,.
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

[LuckyGirl]

great laugh.Ta v much

[billdoor]

The priest at Our Holy Father Primary school, let the kids shave his hair for charity. He said at first it felt strange,but it did make his cock look bigger!

[jucyberry]

As the woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real
workout with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked, \"What in the world are you doing?\"

The daughter replied, \"Mum, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.\"

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he
observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, \"Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as
I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.\"

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked, \"What the hell are you doing?\"

The husband replied, \"I'm watching the football with my son-in-law.\"

[jucyberry]

A woman was in a coma for 5 years. Her faithful husband stayed with her daily and read to her for hours at a time. One day he was reading to her when he suddenly put the book down and he gently rubbed her arm and he told her how much he missed her and how lonely he was and how much he needed her. As he was rubbing her he thought he felt her move.

 He was so overjoyed that he touched her breast and he heard her moan a little bit. He ran excitedly to the Doctor and told him of the prior events that had just occurred. The doctor suggested that he go back and try oral sex as that may be enough to bring her out of the coma. The faithful husband immediately obeyed.

 After 15 minutes the husband returned to the Doctor with a horrified look on his face. The Doctor asked what happened and the husband told the Doctor that his wife had died. The Doctor said, “OMG WHAT HAPPENED?” and the husband replied,



 “She Choked”

[billdoor]

Nice one

I was watching tv last night,when an advert came on featuring an afican baby covered in flies.I immediately phoned the number on the screen to get one. Looks like it works a hell of alot better then those sticky strips i have hanging from the ceiling!

[CusworthRovers]

I must be getting old me.

Last night I was watching a porno and thought 'chuff me, that sofa looks really comfy'

[jucyberry]

cussie my love, I have missed you... :byebye :



The Priest entered his donkey in a race and it won. The Priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.


The local paper read:

PRIEST'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Priest not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Priest to get rid of the donkey.
The priest decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for £10. The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR £10.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day!!

[DonnyBiz]

Nice one

I was watching tv last night,when an advert came on featuring an afican baby covered in flies.I immediately phoned the number on the screen to get one. Looks like it works a hell of alot better then those sticky strips i have hanging from the ceiling!

They're all class, but this one nearly made me piss me sen

[DonnyRTID]

Nice one

I was watching tv last night,when an advert came on featuring an afican baby covered in flies.I immediately phoned the number on the screen to get one. Looks like it works a hell of alot better then those sticky strips i have hanging from the ceiling!

They're all class, but this one nearly made me piss me sen

[DonnyRTID]

Nice one

I was watching tv last night,when an advert came on featuring an afican baby covered in flies.I immediately phoned the number on the screen to get one. Looks like it works a hell of alot better then those sticky strips i have hanging from the ceiling!

They're all class, but this one nearly made me piss me sen

Sick bas**rds.

[CusworthRovers]

I tell thee,

I was sat on the patio with Mrs CR last night. The kids and their mates were all playing and we were enjoying a refreshing alcoholic cold drink. Mrs CR was sipping the 3rd of a very refreshing bottle of fruit cider on ice. She then said 'I love you so much, I just don't know what I'd do without you'......I said 'Is that you or the cider talking?'......to which she replied 'It's actually me talking to the cider'.

Later in the conversation...........I asked her to go to the fridge for another round of drinks. She then starts complaining telling me to go, and that she can't walk because she has a stone in one of her shoes. I said 'listen love there's about 20 stone in the other so crack on fatty'

[billdoor]

Whats 7 inches long and always makes my missis come?


My middle finger and thumb,when i click them together

[billdoor]

The guy who got eaten by a shark in the Seychelles didn't suffer too much..........



He was only married 10 days.

The Pope is handing out miracles in Liverpool. Billy walks on stage and asks \"Can you help with my hearing?\"
The Pope puts his hand over Billys ears and starts to pray.He removes his hands and says \"how is your hearing now?\"
Billy says \" i don't know,its not till next Wednesday\"

I wa swith my girlfriend in a restaurant last night and some of the dinners started calling me a peado and crradle snatcher. All because i'm 52 and my girlfriend is 21. It totally ruined our 10 year anniversary meal.

In a blazing row earlier with the missis,i ended up clouting her. I'm not  pround of that but,half an hour later we ended up having the best make up sex ever.....

Well i did...she's still out cold.

Thats all folks

[CusworthRovers]

I remember the first time I met the Mrs.

I walked up to her and said 'Naaah then, you're a big lass aren't yeh'. She said in a tearful voice 'tell me something I don't know already'. I said 'Salad taste nice you fat get'


Anyway, she was desperate, so I took her home..........have to say it's the last time I ask a lass to 'sit on my face' in my best Sean Connery accent

[jucyberry]

A man sunbathes in the nude and ends up burning his penis. His doctor tells him to ease the pain by dipping it in a saucer of cold milk.


 Later, his blonde wife comes home and finds him with his dick in a saucer of cold milk.



\"Good heavens!\" she remarks \"I always wondered how you reloaded those things!\"

[CusworthRovers]

..........anyways we were both in the sack last night and she said 'being in bed with you is like the lottery'. I said 'I know, is it cos I'm worth millions in the bedroom department?'. To which she replied 'no, I wish you'd just rollover'