My girlfriend,

[donnyjay]

who was pregnant with triplets, had a termination because she didn't want kids to get in the way of her job as an IT specialist.

We posthumously called them Ctrl, Alt and Delete.

Nothing lifts the gloom like a good old fashioned abortion gag.

[jucyberry]

\"Doctor,\" the embarrassed man said, \"I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.

\"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.\"

The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. \"Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas,\" the medic said. \"Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on.\"

The doctor took the husband aside. \"You're in perfect health,\" he said. \"Your wife didn't give me an erection either.






\"A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of \"mixed emotions\". The husband turned to his wife and said, \"Honey, that is a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.

She said: \"Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick.\"

[jucyberry]

An old married couple was at home watching TV.

The husband had the remote and was switching back
and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:


\"For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!\"

[CusworthRovers]

is a right little tinker.

When I woke up this morning I couldn't stir the wife. She wasn't breathing, motionless and cold to the touch. Seems like she must have died in her sleep. I called the ambulance and waited. As she laid there naked on the bed, I thought I might just throw one up her........never one to waste an opportunity and all that. As I laid on top of her and on the crest of thumbing it in, she jumped up and shouted 'boo'. I jumped a chuffing mile.

Is she one sick mofo or what?

[Viking Don]

\"A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of \"mixed emotions\". The husband turned to his wife and said, \"Honey, that is a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.

She said: \"Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick.\"

Debs I'm shocked you get such filth. I just tried to tell that joke to my 15 year old son and just as it got to the best bit he told me he'd already heard it! Obviously dunt want me mentioning cocks to im, which as his dad I probably shouldn't, unless its a lesson in owta clean em. Yer own, obviously.

Made me LOL anyway cheers chuck hope all swell.

[jucyberry]

deleted for wierd posting accident by me lol

[jucyberry]

Nowt like a bit of filth to put a grin on ya face Mark.. I love it...lol


An old.woman says to her husband, \"Just think, lovey, we've been married for 50 years.?\" \"Yes,\" he replies. \"Fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably naked as jaybirds.\" \"Well,\" the old woman snickers, \"should we get naked again for old time's sake?\" So they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table. \"You know,\" the old woman says breathlessly, \"my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago.\"

\"I'm not surprised,\" replies the old man.




\"One's in your coffee and the other's in your porridge'

[CusworthRovers]

After rudies last night Mrs CR snuggled up to me in a satisfied state and said 'Do you know you're the biggest I've ever had'. In hindsight me saying 'ditto' was not the right response

[jucyberry]

Miss Beatrice, The church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones,they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this? Pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.

[CusworthRovers]

I was in the pub last night stood at the bar when I noticed this little Chinese fella stood next to me. So I says to him do you do any of that martial arts shit like kung fu or ju jitsu. He said, no I don't. Why are you talking that b*llocks to me, is it just because I'm Chinese. I said no you little t**t, it's because you're drinking my pissing pint, so get outside now.

[BillyStubbsTears]

Came home from work last night and sez to Mrs Stubbs-Tears, \"The lads at work have been saying, they reckon the milkman has slept with every woman in our road bar one.\"

Sez she, \"Eeeh, I bet it's that stuck up cow at No. 64.\"

[jucyberry]

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read: HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs. The old woman said, \"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!\" The old man smiled, \"Therefore, I cannot run around on you!\" She snorted.

\"You don't have any arms either!\" Again, the old man smiled, \"Therefore, I can never beat you!\" She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, \"Are you still good in bed???\" The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said.... \"I rang the doorbell, didn't I?\"

[CusworthRovers]

2 lads are arguing who's got the biggest coward of a dad. 1st lad says, when it's thundering and lightening my dad hides under the bed. 2nd lad says when my mum works nights my dad always sleeps with my sister