Best joke text I've had in ages.....

[BLIR]

Don't you hate it when you're driving along smoking a cigarette, you flick the cigarette out of the window and drive along for a couple of miles and you smell something funny. You look over into the back of the car and sure enough........................
























Grandma's fingering herself again

[roversron]

Cheers big lad made me smile that, glad i was 1st one to read it!

[Old Popsider]

[ul]Fabio Capello has set up  a friendly match - England v Iceland to try and cheer the fans up.

If England win they go on to play Tesco then Sainsbury's.



I wouldn't be surprised if Rob Green had missed the flight home.


Capello says all the England players are tired and need a break. No problem, which fcuking leg?


Bloke walks up to Rooney and says he's going to lick his head. Rooney asks why, the bloke says \"'Cos you're a cnut\"


Miroslav Klose is said to be well pleased after swapping shirts with John Terry, he doesn't even have to wash the sweat out........


I heard the guy on Death Row in Utah got to choose his own firing squad. He picked Heskey, Gerrard, Lampard and Rooney!!

[Ten Mile Banker]

Apologies if you've heard them before, but these really do make me lol

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
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This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
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I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?'
I said, 'No, permanent.'
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I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?'
The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?'
I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'
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I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.'
I said 'No, just a watch.'
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I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.'
The bloke said 'Kenwood'
I said, 'Where is he then?'
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My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
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I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.'
He said, 'You've got cholera.'
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I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.
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I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
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I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
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The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work?
I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
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I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.'
He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'
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I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?'
I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'
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I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?'
He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
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This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
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I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest'
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I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'
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I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
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I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

[Old Popsider]

   

Some oldies but goldies there.

[BillyStubbsTears]

Bloke goes to a house of ill repute, slaps 200 sheets on the counter and says, \"I'm into kinky sex. I want the most degrading and humiliating experience money can buy.\"

Lass on reception fumbles under the counter and comes up with an England shirt and a Sheffield Weds scarf.

[Mike_F]

Lad of about thirteen walks into a knocking shop carrying a dead frog and says to the madame \"I want to screw a bird with gonorrhoea please.\"

The madame says \"I'm sorry but all my girls are clean, besides which you're far too young to be in here.\"

The lad pulls out £150 and says \"Does this make a difference? I really want to screw a bird with the clap.\"

The madame looks him up and own, sighs and says \"ALright then we might be able to help you.\" and shouts \"Candy, could you come downstairs love, I've got you a customer.\"

Down walks Candy; a ropey old tart with knockers like fried eggs and a Kitson that's had more hammer than a second-hand anvil. She takes the lad by the hand in which he isn't holding the dead frog and leads him upstairs to do the deed. fifteen minutes later, he saunters back downstairs, still carrying the dead frog and grinning from ear to ear.

Curiosity gets the better of the madame so she says to him before he leaves \"I hope you had a good time for your money but can I just ask you why you wanted to go with a girl who had a dose?\"

The lad replies \"Well, it's like this you see... When I get home I'm going to f**k my little brother's baby sitter and she's going to catch it. Then at about eleven o'clock my dad's going to take her home and before he drops her off he's going to give her one so he'll get it too. He'll come home to mum feeling guilty and bang her so she'll end up infected. In the morning when my dad goes out to work, mum's going to have the window cleaner round for a bit of daytime fun so he'll get the disease too. And it'll serve him right 'cause he's the bas**rd that killed my f**king frog!\"

[i_ateallthepies]

Paddy takes his goldfish to the vets. \"Oy tink it's epileptic\" says Paddy.

Vet has a long look at it.. \"looks calm enough to me\" says the vet.

\"Well oy haven't taken it out the feckin bowl yet\"