The Best One-liners

[Bentley Bullet]

I was in the pub and some bald fella kept poking me in the ribs with a snooker cue. He was a Thorne in my side.

Could have been worse, could have been his Willie.

[Bentley Bullet]

I was in a pub judging gravy made from darts players.They all tasted foul apart from the last one which tasted familiar......
Ah! Bristow.

[Donnywolf]

I went in the Barbers the other day and as there were no customers the young lady was breast feeding her Baby. She looked up and said "You're next" and I said "No thanks ... I only want a Haircut"

[Donnywolf]

Q What's the difference between Boiled Carrots & Pea Soup ?
A Anyone can boil carrots

Q What's the difference between a Vitamin and a Hormone
A You cant hear a Vitamin

[Not Now Kato]

Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask

[Not Now Kato]

Why is it old people say "there's no place like home", yet when you put them in one...............

[Not Now Kato]

I often confuse Americans and Canadians.     By using long words

[Bentley Bullet]

The two rules of a genius.

1) Don't tell people everything
2) ......................................

[Not Now Kato]

Don't you hate it when people assume you're rich because you sound posh, went to a private school and have loads of money?