Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
Did you miss your activation email?
December 09, 2025, 12:52:18 am

Login with username, password and session length

Links


Join the VSC


FSA logo

Author Topic: The Best One-liners  (Read 17817 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

bobjimwilly

  • VSC Member
  • Posts: 12217
The Best One-liners
« on August 03, 2016, 05:01:52 pm by bobjimwilly »
Post em here; something to pick the mood up in this off-topic section. Remember - the worst ones are the best!

What did the Buffalo say to his boy when he dropped him off at school?

Bison.



(want to hide these ads? Join the VSC today!)

GM-MarkB

  • Newbie
Re: The Best One-liners
« Reply #1 on August 03, 2016, 05:55:13 pm by GM-MarkB »
That's 2 lines.......isn't it ?

podrover73

  • Forum Member
  • Posts: 1131
Re: The Best One-liners
« Reply #2 on August 03, 2016, 06:43:49 pm by podrover73 »
Cowboy walks into a German car showroom says audi :coat:

The Red Baron

  • VSC Member
  • Posts: 16312
Re: The Best One-liners
« Reply #3 on August 03, 2016, 06:57:58 pm by The Red Baron »
A horse walks into a bar. The barman says, "hey, why the long face?"

tommy toes

  • Forum Member
  • Posts: 5683
Re: The Best One-liners
« Reply #4 on August 03, 2016, 07:03:32 pm by tommy toes »
There's one thing me and the Duke of Westminster have in common, we both come from estates.
« Last Edit: August 03, 2016, 07:23:54 pm by tommy toes »

The Red Baron

  • VSC Member
  • Posts: 16312
Re: The Best One-liners
« Reply #5 on August 03, 2016, 07:07:44 pm by The Red Baron »
I went to see my doctor the other day and asked him for something for my liver. He gave me a pound of onions.

i_ateallthepies

  • VSC Member
  • Posts: 5723
Re: The Best One-liners
« Reply #6 on August 03, 2016, 08:18:28 pm by i_ateallthepies »
Fella walks into a bar, he says OUCH!!!  It was an iron bar.

TheFunk

  • Forum Member
  • Posts: 1523
Re: The Best One-liners
« Reply #7 on August 03, 2016, 08:30:38 pm by TheFunk »
I've just come back from a once in a lifetime holiday. Never again.

The Red Baron

  • VSC Member
  • Posts: 16312
Re: The Best One-liners
« Reply #8 on August 03, 2016, 09:29:14 pm by The Red Baron »
A turd walks into a bar. The barman says "I'm not serving you, you're steaming."

Mike_F

  • VSC Member
  • Posts: 4037
Re: The Best One-liners
« Reply #9 on August 03, 2016, 09:35:25 pm by Mike_F »
Bloke walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says "a pint for me and one for the road".

Bentley Bullet

  • VSC Member
  • Posts: 21988
Re: The Best One-liners
« Reply #10 on August 03, 2016, 09:44:09 pm by Bentley Bullet »
A foreign bloke in Bentley has been shot with a starting pistol, police say it's
definitely race related.

tommy toes

  • Forum Member
  • Posts: 5683
Re: The Best One-liners
« Reply #11 on August 03, 2016, 09:58:06 pm by tommy toes »
Police round here are doing a fingertip search, so far they've not found any.

bobjimwilly

  • VSC Member
  • Posts: 12217
Re: The Best One-liners
« Reply #12 on August 03, 2016, 10:11:27 pm by bobjimwilly »
I fear for the calendar...it’s days are numbered.

BillyStubbsTears

  • VSC Member
  • Posts: 40563
Re: The Best One-liners
« Reply #13 on August 03, 2016, 10:26:24 pm by BillyStubbsTears »
Child abuse in multi-storey car parks. That's just wrong on so many levels.

BobG

  • VSC Member
  • Posts: 11359
Re: The Best One-liners
« Reply #14 on August 03, 2016, 10:30:51 pm by BobG »
MikeF by a short head! Plenty of good uns though. I'm still smiling.

BobG

BillyStubbsTears

  • VSC Member
  • Posts: 40563
Re: The Best One-liners
« Reply #15 on August 03, 2016, 10:33:20 pm by BillyStubbsTears »
Went to buy a watch. Salesman said, "Analogue?" I said, "No, just a watch."

BobG

  • VSC Member
  • Posts: 11359
Re: The Best One-liners
« Reply #16 on August 03, 2016, 10:37:31 pm by BobG »
Churchill must have half a dozen entries for this... What about that woman MP he told, to her face, that she was ugly as sin? Only much better phrased and quick witted than that.

Actually, I've remembered one:

"U-Boats are those dastardly villains that sink our ships. Submarines are those brave and glorious craft that sink theirs".

Always makes me chuckle that.

Bob

BillyStubbsTears

  • VSC Member
  • Posts: 40563
Re: The Best One-liners
« Reply #17 on August 03, 2016, 10:38:53 pm by BillyStubbsTears »
Lorry load of amphibious reptiles has crashed in Hull. Police say it's a turtle disaster.

IDM

  • VSC Member
  • Posts: 21380
Re: The Best One-liners
« Reply #18 on August 03, 2016, 10:44:28 pm by IDM »
Bob, was one of those ones a bit like this?

"Madam you are ugly"
"Sir you are drunk!"
"But in the morning I will be sober!"

BobG

  • VSC Member
  • Posts: 11359
Re: The Best One-liners
« Reply #19 on August 03, 2016, 10:46:09 pm by BobG »
Pretty much on those lines IDM Yes. Of course, it's not not a 1 liner though! Lol. He was brilliant at them though.

Cheers

Bob

knockers

  • VSC Member
  • Posts: 1977
Re: The Best One-liners
« Reply #20 on August 03, 2016, 10:49:00 pm by knockers »
I ate a parrot for my tea. It keeps repeating on me

IDM

  • VSC Member
  • Posts: 21380
Re: The Best One-liners
« Reply #21 on August 03, 2016, 10:54:12 pm by IDM »
Pretty much on those lines IDM Yes. Of course, it's not not a 1 liner though! Lol. He was brilliant at them though.

Cheers

Bob

More here http://www.goodreads.com/topic/show/478012-favorite-winston-churchill-quotes

Bentley Bullet

  • VSC Member
  • Posts: 21988
Re: The Best One-liners
« Reply #22 on August 03, 2016, 11:00:30 pm by Bentley Bullet »
A lorry full of snooker equipment has lost its load on the M1 tonight, police said there are cue's for miles.

IDM

  • VSC Member
  • Posts: 21380
Re: The Best One-liners
« Reply #23 on August 03, 2016, 11:12:54 pm by IDM »
How about the classic one liner,

"Lewis Guy, great in training"

BobG

  • VSC Member
  • Posts: 11359
Re: The Best One-liners
« Reply #24 on August 03, 2016, 11:46:07 pm by BobG »
Thank you IDM. I got that booked marked!

Lady Astor said to Churchill, "If you were my husband, I'd poison your tea," to which he responded, "Madam, if you were my wife, I'd drink it!"

Ha ha ha!

Bob

BillyStubbsTears

  • VSC Member
  • Posts: 40563
Re: The Best One-liners
« Reply #25 on August 04, 2016, 12:03:22 am by BillyStubbsTears »
My wife almost killed me earlier by accidentally feeding me mushroom poison. Fortunately, I saw the fungicide.

jonnydog

  • VSC Member
  • Posts: 5003
Re: The Best One-liners
« Reply #26 on August 04, 2016, 12:06:04 am by jonnydog »
BNAG - That's BANG out of order!!

BillyStubbsTears

  • VSC Member
  • Posts: 40563
Re: The Best One-liners
« Reply #27 on August 04, 2016, 12:08:33 am by BillyStubbsTears »
Barnsley man went to get a golden statue made of his recently deceased whippet. Sculptor said, Do you want it 18 carat?" Dingle said, "Nehw! Chewing a bone!"

bobjimwilly

  • VSC Member
  • Posts: 12217
Re: The Best One-liners
« Reply #28 on August 04, 2016, 12:13:23 am by bobjimwilly »
I've deleted all the German contacts from my phone. Now it's Hans free.

Sammy Chung was King

  • Forum Member
  • Posts: 9730
Re: The Best One-liners
« Reply #29 on August 04, 2016, 03:15:17 am by Sammy Chung was King »
''Take my wife, please''!, ''I take her everywhere, and she keeps finding her way back''.

 

TinyPortal © 2005-2012