Re: The Amazing Fact Chain Letter

[Sammy Chung was King]

John Smith's-''The stuff of champions, well champion wanna be's like Leeds united''!.
It is said that behind every Leeds fans brainless antics, there is a baby bottle stained with stuff from their first birthday celebrations.
The Young of Leeds are not brought up on an arrowroot and a bottle of milk. ''They are brought up proper''
If they can't knock a pint back by the age of one, Leeds favvers are known to take take the youngster to the nearest Barnado's, as it's seen that ''The bairn will never amount to owt in life''!.
If he or she makes it through this stage, then the next stages, are ''Bullying younger kids than yourself'', and ''Bin kicking'', they work on these themes for many years.

When they reach the age of growing up, round about seven they can be observed propping the bar up of the local miners welfare club, grunting and pointing to a picture of a pint for another one.
Leeds kids aren't rushed in learning to read and write, they have an ''Alternative education'', where physical prowess at beating your cousin up, or being able to sink twenty four pints by the age of ten is seen as advanced.
By the ages of twenty five to thirty, they start picking bits of reading up, anybody who can read the Beano cover to cover is seen as akin to Stephen Hawking.

The worst educated of the Leeds fans are the Doncaster White's, who are a neanderthal group, who bang knuckles to communicate.
Doncaster's excellent education system leaves them feeling ''Lower than a snakes ab muscles'', this in turn leads to them repeating the mistakes of their fathers, or at least the one who's name is on the bitrth certificate!.
They try to Bully their way through the school system, as they are usually the bigger kids, because they have had John Smith's on the teat, since they first saw the matron trying to push them back in.
They usually end up with a nickname that doesn't make sense 'Putty', something like that!.
And when they leave school their bullying ways catch up with them, and they have to quieten down, otherwise they will lose the quarter of a brain cell that John Smith's provided!.

Into their dotage, The one's that can read, read all about Don Revie's European champions that should have been, they regret not going to live among their fellow fans in Leeds, but then reflect after a few months, they enjoyed those few years of being the biggest kid in school!.
The Doncaster White's over many years try to think about why they don't support their local team,
''But their memory wanders over the price of a stamp
''Do the two pee's in their pocket add upto enough for another pint''!, so in the end they enter the grave no wiser than when they came flying out of the black hole they are going back into!

NEXT Mad mick

[Bentley Bullet]

Mad Mick was a wind up merchant with enough comedy genius to take on the Viking chat clique, or VCC as it is secretly known.

 Few people clicked onto his 'over the head fishing technique', resulting in many folk falling for his form of master bating.

Next; Whoosh!

[tommy toes]

Whoosh! were a pop sensation in the 80's.
with songs such as 'Bake me pup before you go Joe', Careless Lispers and 'Last Christmas  got drunk as a fart' they dominated the charts before the genius that was Michael George went solo leaving Andrew Ridgeback penniless.
George ended up a sad and lonely figure, constantly in the Sunday Papers due to his string of affairs with a succesion of supermodels and an addiction to Trebor strong mints.
Next: Polo

[Sandy Lane]

Polo is the answer you give when you are swimming and someone yells Marco!

Comes from the explorer who had a crew who did not bathe, so they would throw a sailor into the sea, who would then yell to Marco to fish him out.  Polo would then put a pole into the sea which had a handle at the end for the clean bather to grab onto. 

It was the beginning of water polo as we know it today.

Next:  synchronised swimming 

[donnyallday]

When synchronised swimming first caught on two boys enrolled  named ian Thorpe and Tom Daley , but they were quickly shown the back door has they misread the advert. Tom later explained he had something in his eye and  thought it read  Synchronised Rimming.

Next.....  Lady Gardens.

[tommy toes]

Lady Gardens cost only tuppence are good for box hedges and are a good place to keep your pussy in or just for fannying about.
Next: Bush telegraph.

[IDM]

Bush Telegraph was slang for the personal columns in local newspapers, particularly for women making themselves available.

Next: Asymmetric flaps

[RobTheRover]

Asymmetric flaps are what a bird with a twitch does.

Next : Twitch TV

[tommy toes]

Twitch TV is the self help group for transvestites that suffer from tics, stammering or tourettes syndrome.
To date there are 3 members.
Next: The King's Speech

[BillyStubbsTears]

The King's Peach was Elvis's favourite dessert. It comprised a peach (natch) stuffed with Mars Bars, smeared in honey, deep fried and served on a bed of cheeseburgers and barbiturates.

Next: Wear my Ring Around Your Neck.

[tommy toes]

Wear my ring around your neck is one position that didn't get into The Kama Sutra.
Next: Missionaries

[RobTheRover]

Missionaries are what groupies of the Goth-rock band "The Mission" are called.  Wayne Hussey certainly lived up to his name with them.

Next : Wayne's World

[donnyallday]

Waynes world is a syndrome that effects peoples thoughts, it can make you think you are something you are not.

Paul Dickov has this condtion due to thoughts of being a football manager.

Next.... Clinker dust/ trump cloud.

[tommy toes]

Bottom Burp was a Champion racehorse in Australia. He won the Melbourne Cup 7 times in the 1930's.
A product of the Clinker Dust/Trump Cloud coupling, both great horses themselves, he was bred to be great and so it proved.
When he went to stud Bottom Burp produced several good horses himself, including Phart Lap who was later immortalised in a successful film.
Next: Golden Horn.

[BobG]

Is not a bridge crossing the Hellespont.

Next: Turkish Delights

BobG

[RobTheRover]

Turkish Delight is a sweet delicacy.  For many years it was believed that the recipe was thousands of years old, originating in the Ottoman Empire, and has been passed down through generations, but it has recently been found that it is actually just cubes of Chivers Jelly rolled in icing sugar.

Next : Silver Spoon

[IDM]

The silver spoon is the prize a club receives for finishing second in league 1.  The champions get a trophy as do the play off winners.  The unpresented "prize" for finishing last is called traditionally the Wooden Spoon, so this was resurrected in this case, using silver to represent second place.

Next:  uphill gardening

[tommy toes]

Stephen Fry the well known purveyor of uphill gardening has allegedly left his new husband and run off with Tarkan from Istanbul.
Stephen calls him his Fry's Turkish Delight.
Next: Chocolate Cream.

[donnyallday]

Shudder the thought ,yuk. Chocolate cream is a mixed concoction that arises during battyboy fornication, in ladies its quite acceptable in my  mind and is called cream pie.

Next wiffy barnsley kipper.

[IDM]

When discovering a wiffy barnsley kipper, the above referenced chocolate cream pie becomes much more of a viable alternative.

Next:  sexual innuendo..

[RobTheRover]

Oooh, titter ye not!

Next : Frankie Goes To Hollywood

[IDM]

"Frankie Goes to Hollywood" is a euphamistic phrase that is uttered to notify folks nearby that someone has let go a hefty and voluminous, but silent, fart.

Next:  The bee's knees.

[tommy toes]

This is an announcement by the moderators of the Amazing Fact Chain Letter...
We have become increasingly concerned that our esteemed thread, which we have always considered to be the bees-knees has descended into a cesspit of toilet humour and sexual innuendo.
Yesterday we had to remove the phrase 'Soapy Tit w**k' from T.Toes's post involving Tourettes Syndrome. And just what is amusing about flatulence? Have you ever laughed when someone has let rip?
We know we haven't.
No-one likes a good laugh more than we do.
We often watch reruns of Last of the Summer Wine or the new series of Open All Hours.
Did we win two World Wars so that our children and grandchildren could come up with the type of puerile filth we have seen on here of late. We think not.
Did Churchill mention cream pies in any of his speeches? No!
We have made our point so clean it up please gentlemen.
Next: Portnoy's Complaint.

[donnyallday]

Ive no complaints about knocking one out with tool in one hand and a lump of warm liver int other.

Miles cheaper than dating or even  cheaper if you refrigerate after each use.

next   funbags

[Mike_F]

Fun Bags was the youthful nickname of the late and much missed "Shouty Bags" Mrs. Robinson back in the 1940's as she tripped the light fandango with many a convalescing serviceman in Donny's art deco Co-op ballroom.

Next: Come Dancing

[donnyallday]

Come dancing is a youthful jig where boys form a line at a dance venue and race to strangle the ferret, first one to hit the vinegar stroke and fires is the winner.

Next  Dingles Teeth.

[tommy toes]

Dingles teeth are whiter than white, which is not something we can say about recent contributions to this topic.
Next: Daz White.

[RobTheRover]

Daz White is the brother of former Rovers' player Winston White.  Whilst Winston got the football gene, Daz became a builder.  However, he constantly over estimated the required height of front doorsteps when laying foundations for new-build houses, which meant that the new owners would require a small rope ladder to enter their new homes.  This became known in building circles as "Daz's Doorstep Challenge".

Next : Shane Ritchie

[Sammy Chung was King]

Shane Ritchie, Is the lovechild of former Barnsley manager Andy Ritchie and Dame Edna Everidge, he was conceived on a coal sack on a hill far far away in Barnsley.
The drippings of which led to a forest of trees that were bald with no leaves, and mushrooms that haunted the forest with an australian ''Hello my darlings''!.
In case you are wondering Shane's thatch came from the Everidge side of the tree!.

NEXT Lee Clark

[BillyStubbsTears]

Leek Lark was an initiation ceremony for 14 year old lads on their first days down the pit in the Rhondda.

You do NOT want to know...

Next: Jones the Steam.