The Best One-liners

[tommy toes]

This bloke asked me what's the difference between ignorance and apathy, told him I don't know and I don't care.

[Dutch Uncle]

I knew  guy who was into sadism, necrophilia and bestiality, but I think he was just flogging a dead horse.

[tommy toes]

German asked the barman for a martini.
Dry? asked the barman. Nein just one said Hans

[nightporter]

A girl walks into a bar, asks the bartender for a double entendre. So he gave her one.

[Hounslowrover]

She was only the fishmonger's daughter, but she showed me the plaice and said fillet!

[Donnywolf]

She was only a Welders daughter but she had Acetylene t**s

[Donnywolf]

A Ship carrying Red paint collided with a Ship carrying Blue Paint. 15 Sailors were marooned

[Donnywolf]

Frankie Dettori was leading by miles in last years Leger when he was hit by a flying Sausage Roll with 200 yards to go. He recovered only to be hit by a Scotch Egg then a slice of Pork Pie and then he was overtaken and lost the race. Sporting Life said he was badly hampered in the final Furlong

[bobjimwilly]

What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.

[Wild Rover]

Bloke walks into pub, he has amphibian on his shoulder.
"Pint for me and glass of water for tiny" says he to bartender.
"Why do you call your amphibious friend tiny" says bartender.
"because he is mynewt" came reply.

[Hounslowrover]

My mate had custard in one ear and blancmange in the other, he was a trifle deaf.

[Mike_F]

Black Beauty. There's a dark horse.

[del boy]

If i had a pound for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

[BobG]

New leader DW with the maroon sailors. That's just cracked me up.

Bob

[drfchound]

What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?
You can't wash your hands in a buffalo.

What's the difference between a stoat and a weasil?
One is weasily recognised and the other is stoatally different.

[IDM]

Who speaks French and likes blow jobs?  Moi!!!

[rtid88]

My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.

[rtid88]

At school the other kids used to push me around and call me lazy; I loved that wheelchair.

[IDM]

I couldn't understand why the frisbee flying towards me was getting bigger.. then it hit me.

[DonnyNoel]

The pollen count, there's a hard job.

[Dr Fundlekrotch]

So...Hands up who has a copy of the Tim Vine Joke Book

[BillyStubbsTears]

Aye. Bang to rights. Although I haven't copied the turtle disaster joke back off him. I was telling it when Tim Vine still had hair.

[del boy]

I can't believe it i've been outvoted 1-1 by my wife again.

[Mike_F]

I went to the zoo and all they had was one small dog. It was a shitzu.

[Iberian Red]

Like that one Mike.

 I used to be into necrophilia,  til the rotten Kitson split on me.

[RobTheRover]

Bloke from Barnsley asks a vet to look at his cat.  "Is it a tom?", says the vet.  "No its in t'car"

[tommy toes]

Lad from Barnsley crying by the canal. Bloke walks past asks him what's up, lad sez me mates fell int canal. Bloke sez I'll dive in and save him. Lad sez no it's me mate out me sandwich.

[RobTheRover]

I've always struggled to pronounce Fs and THs.  Can't say fairer than that. 

[Donnywolf]

What the difference between a Vitamin and a Hormone ..... you cant hear a Vitamin

[Donnywolf]

What's the difference between Boiled Carrots and Pea Soup ? Anybody can boil Carrots