True Or False?

[scawsby steve]

True or false:

If you've been hit with a rhythm stick you could be eligible for a personal Ian Dury claim?

If you didn't get the payout, what a waste of time that'd be.

[Bentley Bullet]

True or false:

The secret of successful horse breeding at The National Stud is all about the old phrase 'Horses f**k horses.'

[Bentley Bullet]

True or false:

Costaphobia is the irrational fear of confined coffee shops?

[Bentley Bullet]

True or false:

Charlie Chaplin once entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest and came 20th?

[Bentley Bullet]

True or false:

Former Doncaster Rovers player Mark Rankine received more laughter than applause when Jonathan Ross introduced him on his chat show?

[Bentley Bullet]

True or false:

Scawsby Steve used to have a job shovelling shit. At the end of the shift, he used to write 'Shovelling shit' on the job sheet. One day the manager said, "Steve, we have a new secretary. Dead posh she is. In future can you write 'extracting excretion' instead of 'shovelling shit'?"

Scawsby Steve said, "If I could spell 'extracting excretion' I wouldn't be shovelling shit for a living!"

[scawsby steve]

True or false:

Scawsby Steve used to have a job shovelling shit. At the end of the shift, he used to write 'Shovelling shit' on the job sheet. One day the manager said, "Steve, we have a new secretary. Dead posh she is. In future can you write 'extracting excretion' instead of 'shovelling shit'?"

Scawsby Steve said, "If I could spell 'extracting excretion' I wouldn't be shovelling shit for a living!"

Actually, BB, I worked for the old Bentley with Arksey Urban District Council for a while in the late 60s. Some of the old farmhouses around Almholme still weren't connected to the sewers, and had "privvy middens", where the sh*t dropped into ashes underneath the pan.

Some of the workers had to shovel that lot out about once a month. On the timesheets, they had to put "Removal of nightsoil".

I didn't even like touching the timesheets.

[Dutch Uncle]

True or False:

The film sensors were particularly hard on the film 'Babe', cutting out all swearing and 'colourful language'.

They were worried that colourblind viewers would have trouble working out what the pig meant.

[Bentley Bullet]

True or False:

The film sensors were particularly hard on the film 'Babe', cutting out all swearing and 'colourful language'.

They were worried that colourblind viewers would have trouble working out what the pig meant.

False. That's a pigment of your imagination.

[SydneyRover]

Believe it or Not ...................

The judge in trump's hush money trial is called Juan Merchan

[Dutch Uncle]

Canadian Goalkeeper Steve Kindel is touted by many as the best at saving penalties. He is said to be able to read the penalty taker like a book.

[Bentley Bullet]

True or false:

Robin Hood and his merry band of followers entertained themselves around the campfires of Sherwood Forest by making up spoonerisms. Robin Hood became Hobin Rood, and Little John became Jittle Lohn. Maid Marian always found the game boring because no one laughed at her new name, but that was nowt, poor old Friar Tuck wasn't even allowed to play.

[Dutch Uncle]

True of False: A Shakespeare sonnet is simply a case of bard going to verse

[Pancho Regan]

True or false:

Michelangelo was such a contortionist, he painted the whole of the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel on his back.

[Dutch Uncle]

Believe it or Not ...................

The judge in trump's hush money trial is called Juan Merchan

Nearer home, a couple of years back, the referee allocated to a Blackpool home match was changed at the last minute when the fans announced a large protest against the owners (Oystons?). The replaced referee was called ............... Ben Toner 

[Bentley Bullet]

True or false:

Decorating tip..... Paint the ceiling a darker colour than the walls. This will make it appear lower, and therefore you will not need steps to paint it next time?

[Bentley Bullet]

True or false:

Keir Starmer walked into a bank to cash a cheque. As he approached the cashier he said, "Good morning Ms, could you please cash this cheque for me?"

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?"

Keir: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Keir Starmer, leader of the Labour Party”.

Cashier: "Yes, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."

Keir: Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "I am sorry, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Keir: "Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque."

Cashier: "Look sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot, I knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque."
"Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot, I cashed his cheque. So, sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?"

Keir stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don't have a clue."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes , Mr Starmer?”

[scawsby steve]

True or false:

Keir Starmer walked into a bank to cash a cheque. As he approached the cashier he said, "Good morning Ms, could you please cash this cheque for me?"

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?"

Keir: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Keir Starmer, leader of the Labour Party”.

Cashier: "Yes, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."

Keir: Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "I am sorry, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Keir: "Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque."

Cashier: "Look sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot, I knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque."
"Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot, I cashed his cheque. So, sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?"

Keir stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don't have a clue."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes , Mr Starmer?”

That's comic gold, BB. Stewart Lee will be ringing you up for help with his material.

Then again......

[SydneyRover]

The old ones are the best Steve, bentley is firing blanks.

[Bentley Bullet]

Ooh, a heckler!

I suppose that's the price you pay for having an audience that stretches the other side of the world!

[SydneyRover]

Just doing it for balance, to counter the slavish support bb.

[Bentley Bullet]

True or false:

Australians don't give a Castlemaine XXXX for shandy-drinking, Lily-livered, namby-pamby, powder puff, do-gooder Jessie Poms, and that's why they spend all their time whinging on internet forums back home?

[SydneyRover]

true or false 'whinging' is an Irish word.

[Not Now Kato]

True or False
 
Demi Moore used to have a sister called Notany.

[scawsby steve]

Ooh, a heckler!

I suppose that's the price you pay for having an audience that stretches the other side of the world!

Yeah, your fan from Spain will be on soon, BB.

[Iberian Red]

Ooh, a heckler!

I suppose that's the price you pay for having an audience that stretches the other side of the world!

Yeah, your fan from Spain will be on soon, BB.

Ooooh SS.

Are you not getting enough attention at home?
Is that why you're fishing with a little maggot?

[Iberian Red]

Ooh, a heckler!

I suppose that's the price you pay for having an audience that stretches the other side of the world!

David Brent.

Comedians get heckled,not facking circus clowns.

[Bentley Bullet]

Ooh, a heckler!

I suppose that's the price you pay for having an audience that stretches the other side of the world!

David Brent.

Comedians get heckled,not facking circus clowns.

You should know all about that, Coco.

[SydneyRover]

Infamous names

[scawsby steve]

Infamous names

Nice one, Syd. It seems my fame is spreading worldwide.