Tim Vine Jokes

[Bentley Bullet]

The Landlord said "There you go Einstein", sarcastically as he passed me the pub quiz sheet......Shows what he knows, I look nothing like The Beatles' manager.

[Not Now Kato]

The only thing Flat Earthers fear, is sphere itself.

[Colin C No.3]

I said to my wife “You’re pencilling your eyebrows too high”
She looked surprised.

[Not Now Kato]

I went to a French restaurant last night and ordered Napoleon chicken for the first time.
When It came there was no meat just the carcass. I said to the waitress: "What's this?!!"
"She said: "It's the boney part".

[Colin C No.3]

My wife was moaning to me the other night about never listening properly to a single thing she said. Or something like that.

[welloffside]

I remember once watching Countdown with Carol Vorderman and I got aroused.

Not bad for me that, seven letters.

[Colin C No.3]

My dad used to work for The Highways Agency until he was sacked for theft. I couldn't believe he would do such a thing. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

[welloffside]

I went out for an Indian meal last night.
 
I had a Chicken Tarka,   it's like a Tikka, just a little 'otter.

[Not Now Kato]

Police say that the man who was shot 200 times with an upholstery gun is now fully recovered.

[Bentley Bullet]

A gang has been caught making counterfeit Mr Kipling Bakewell tarts.

Police say they're exceedingly good fakes.

[Colin C No.3]

There were six blokes kicking & punching my mother in law.
My wife shouted “Aren’t you going to help?!”, I said “No, six should be enough”.

[Donnywolf]

I was asked if I liked Horses , I said " Yes" any Palomino is a pal-o-mino

[Donnywolf]

Was stood on Scales breathing in deeply and pulling stomach in

Mrs Wolfie said " that will make no difference "

I said it will, cos I can see dial now

[Colin C No.3]

The other day my wife shouted at me “It’s about time you grew up!”. I stormed out into the garden & went & hid inside my fort.

[Bentley Bullet]

Two burglars broke into a shop and stole 80 cans of Red Bull.

I honestly don't know how these People sleep at night.

[Colin C No.3]

I remember at my school they had a lot of trouble with drugs. Especially Class A.

[Pancho Regan]

Apparently the guy who invented predictive text has died.

Restaurant in peace.

[welloffside]

I went to Travis Perkins and asked for 25,000 bricks

"What are you building?" the foreman asked.  "A barbeque" I replied.

"listen mate" he said "you don't need 25,000 bricks to build a barbeque"

"You do when you live on the eight floor" I pointed out

[Donnywolf]

Imagine Billy Connolly saying :

What's the difference between Frank Sinatra & Walt Disney ?

Frank Sinatra sings but Walt Disney

[Not Now Kato]

I went to a paraplegic strip club the other day, the place was crawling with pussy

[Iberian Red]

I went to a paraplegic strip club the other day, the place was crawling with pussy

Nine pages,and the first one that has made me chuckle

[Bentley Bullet]

Who only chuckles at fellow lefty's jokes?

https://youtu.be/N5LveBIjg3o?si=1ejap8ZGz_KllJiJ&t=160

[Iberian Red]

Who only chuckles at fellow lefty's jokes?

https://youtu.be/N5LveBIjg3o?si=1ejap8ZGz_KllJiJ&t=160

.

Sorry Dave,don't find you funny or entertaining.  Never have,never will.
You keep trying tho lad.
Why not call me a troll for that reason you sad,poor fecker.

[Bentley Bullet]

I very much doubt NNK would appreciate your endorsement of his material.

https://youtu.be/TN8V5ltaUoY?si=xgQ97IhB89R0vVVF

[SydneyRover]

If people are happy to have their partners, sisters, mothers as the butt of their jokes then go right ahead.

[Bentley Bullet]

Sydnaye, why don't you just f**k off?

[SydneyRover]

Not forgetting grandmothers either, so funny

[SydneyRover]

Kato, I'm surprised at you, not sure you've enhanced your chances getting onto the Club Doncaster totally inclusive committee.

[Colin C No.3]

There’s a Japanese company that has invented a camera with a shutter speed so fast it can actually capture an Australian with their mouth closed.

[SydneyRover]

That's much better, not funny but not offensive either aye?