Tim Vine Jokes

[Bentley Bullet]

I was sat on the toilet as the clock struck midnight last night.

I thought same shit, different day.

[Bentley Bullet]

A woman approached me In town this morning, and said, "Excuse me gorgeous, can you tell me where Specsavers is?"

[Not Now Kato]

At any point in time, the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps tonight" is just a whim away.

[Not Now Kato]

On a crazy impulse I decided to throw out all my socks.

Then at the last minute I got cold feet.

[Not Now Kato]

Now I'm not saying the Proctologist I saw today had the biggest hands in the world,
but he was definitely up there

[Colin C No.3]

Bloke knocked on my door today. He said “I’m your conservative representative”.

I grabbed him by the lapels & said “Gerrin ‘ere mate. The bugger’s been leaking for months!”.

[Not Now Kato]

So!........... Here's a question for all you mind readers

[Bentley Bullet]

Two steps to be a genius:

1, Don't tell people everything.

2, ........................................

[Donnywolf]

Did you know Film star Brinner was a lifelong Liverpool fan ?

He never wore After Shave either

That's right ... You guessed it ...

Yul never wore Cologne

[Bentley Bullet]

Great minds .......

https://www.drfc-vsc.co.uk/index.php?topic=154022.msg154022#msg154022

[Not Now Kato]

I eat my peas with honey,
I've done it all my life,
It makes the peas taste funny,
But it keeps them on the knife.

[Not Now Kato]

In snail racing, they once tried putting the snails in tiny battery-powered cars so they could go faster, labelling each car with a letter of the alphabet so they could tell who had won the race.

Apparently, during the trial run, the snail in car 'S' immediately took the lead and subsequently won the race by a clear lap, accompanied by enthusiastic shouts from the spectators of "Wow, look at that S Car Go!!

[Not Now Kato]

I've just joined the Jehovah's bystanders.
It's like being a Jehovah's Witness but we don't like to get involved.

[Donnywolf]

I eat my peas with honey,
I've done it all my life,
It makes the peas taste funny,
But it keeps them on the knife.

I shoot the Hippopotamus
With bullets made of Platinum
Cos if I use the leaden ones
His hide is sure to flatten 'em




Out of the same stable

[tommy toes]

I eat my peas with honey,
I've done it all my life,
It makes the peas taste funny,
But it keeps them on the knife.

I remember that from school.
Ogden Nash.

[Donnywolf]

I remember both from the same book. Just the 2 of them though

[Not Now Kato]

Here's another....
 
I give you now Professor Twist,
A conscientious scientist,
Trustees exclaimed, "He never bungles!"
And sent him off to distant jungles.
Camped on a tropic riverside,
One day he missed his loving bride.
She had, the guide informed him later,
Been eaten by an alligator.
Professor Twist could not but smile.
"You mean," he said, "a crocodile."
 

[Not Now Kato]

I checked into a hotel recently; to my surprise, there was a bat and two cricket balls on the bed. I opened the window and the bat flew out. Can’t find the rest of the cricket.

[Not Now Kato]

My wife left me because of my obsession with cricket. To be honest, it’s really knocked me for six.

[Not Now Kato]

Overheard in the vets....
 
About your cat Mr Schrödinger, I have good news and bad news.

[Not Now Kato]

A big-city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Wales.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The lawyer responded,

- "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied,

- "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said,

"I am one of the best trial lawyers in London and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said,

- "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Wales. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'

The lawyer asked,

- "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied,

- "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.

He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet.

Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said,

- "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said,

- "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

[scawsby steve]

A big-city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Wales.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The lawyer responded,

- "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied,

- "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said,

"I am one of the best trial lawyers in London and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said,

- "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Wales. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'

The lawyer asked,

- "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied,

- "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.

He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet.

Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said,

- "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said,

- "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

Hahahahaha. Well done, NNK. I may disagree with you on certain things, but your jokes brighten up this off-topic, which is becoming really toxic at the moment.

[Donnywolf]

My wife left me because of my obsession with cricket. To be honest, it’s really knocked me for six.

Well she obviously set Boundaries and I bet you made a slip up and made a Silly Point

Creased me up anyway

[Not Now Kato]

Here's one for all the oldies on here....
 
Why have Elephants got big ears?
 
 
 
 
 
Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom.

[Not Now Kato]

I think my wife is cheating on me.
She said, "I'm going down the shops."
I said, " How long will you be?"
She said, "An hour max."
My names Simon!

[Not Now Kato]

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet’s, when they struck up a conversation.
The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said: “So, why are you here?”
The yellow Lab replied: “I’m a pisser. I piss on everything….the sofa, the curtains, the cat and the kids.
But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner’s bed..”
The black Lab said: “So what’s the vet going to do?”
“Gonna cut my nuts off,” came the replies the yellow Lab. “They reckon it’ll calm me down.”
The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked: “So, why are you here?”
The Black Lab said: “I’m a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees. I dig just for the hell of it..
When I’m inside, I dig up the carpets, but I went over the line last night, when I dug a great big hole in my owners’ couch.”
“So what are they going to do to you ? ” the Yellow Lab inquired.
“Looks like I’m losing my nuts too,” the dejected Black Lab said.
The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked: “Why are you here?”
“I’m a humper,” said the Great Dane. “I’ll hump anything. I’ll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts; I want to hump everything I see.”
Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn’t help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away..”
The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said: “So, it’s nuts off for you too, huh?”
The Great Dane said: “No. Apparently I’m here to get my nails clipped!”

[Not Now Kato]

I see that corduroy pillow cases are making the headlines.

[Colin C No.3]

I know everything there is to know about cars. For example. I can look at any car’s headlights & tell you which way it’s heading.

[Not Now Kato]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto ride up to the edge of town. The Lone Ranger says to Tonto...

"OK, Tonto, you stay here, and I'll ride into town."

Tonto says, "Why it always that way round, Kemosabe? Why not other way round for once?"

The Lone Ranger says, "OK, Tonto, seems fair, I'll ride into town and you stay here."

[Not Now Kato]

100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had a car.  Nowadays everyone owns a car but only the rich own horses.
 
 
The stables have turned.