Tim Vine Jokes

[Colin C No.3]

Apparently Ryan Air are going to start charging for emotional baggage.

[Bentley Bullet]

L**ds United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead.

[Not Now Kato]

Went to the doctor’s this morning.
He said, “let’s talk about your weight”
I said, “yes, nearly half a bloody hour”.

[Not Now Kato]

Now that I’ve sold off my entire Dusty Springfield record collection, I just don’t know what to do with my shelf

[Not Now Kato]

Window cleaner woke me up this morning, screaming and shouting.........he'd completely lost his rag

[Not Now Kato]

Yesterday, my wife asked me to pass her some lip balm but I accidentally gave her the super glue. Would you believe, she's still not talking to me.

[Not Now Kato]

During a tour of HMS Victory, a French visitor asked "Are those the cannon balls that were fired in the battle of Trafalgar?"
 
The tour guide replied "No Madame, your navy still has those".

[Bentley Bullet]

I've had the worst day ever. I paid a joiner to build me a double bed and he's done a bunk.

It's just one thing on top of another.

[Not Now Kato]

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load.

Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.

[Not Now Kato]

My wife and I have just bought some shares in a company that makes replacement hips & knees.
It's a joint investment...!

[Not Now Kato]

Seeing as we all need to do our bit for the planet. I’ve just unplugged a row of electric cars no one was using.
 

[Not Now Kato]

My best friend got conned after marrying an electrician...  It all started when he promised her the earth!

[ravenrover]

And then there was the night
I was having dinner with
Garry Kasparov and there was a checkered tablecloth.
It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

[Bentley Bullet]

A dung beetle walks into a bar and says, " Is that stool taken"?

[scawsby steve]

A dung beetle walks into a bar and says, " Is that stool taken"?

That reminds me of the 2 flies on a turd. One of them farted, and the other one said "Do you mind, when I'm eating?"

[Not Now Kato]

I strained my back today getting a bottle of water out the fridge. I should have been more careful knowing it was an Evian...!!

[SydneyRover]

I strained my back today getting a bottle of water out the fridge. I should have been more careful knowing it was an Evian...!!

If it was LaVie water it could be said you're taking the piss.

[Not Now Kato]

I thought I should inform you that after ten years as chairman of the Ladder Appreciation Society, I'm finally stepping down

[SydneyRover]

the changes have been rung in

[ravenrover]

Who is stepping up?

[Not Now Kato]

* It's going to be foggy tonight
* It's going to be foggy tonight
* It's going to be foggy tonight
* It's going to be foggy tonight



! You have: 4 mist messages.

[Not Now Kato]

I think it's disgraceful that, after 50 years, people still don't know who Neil Armstrong is or the type of trumpet he played.

[Bentley Bullet]

Wasn't he the bloke who got the inspiration to write "What A Wonderful World" as he looked down on Earth from the Moon?

[Pancho Regan]

Wasn't he the bloke who got the inspiration to write "What A Wonderful World" as he looked down on Earth from the Moon?

Yep, that’s him.
Same bloke who went on to play for Spurs and Northern Ireland

[Not Now Kato]

I know I joke a lot in my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck.  I have a meeting at the bank later and if it's a success I will be out of debt and own everything I have now. I'm so excited I can barely put on my ski mask...

[Bentley Bullet]

I wish they'd stop playing bloody Disney songs in the gents, I've just zippered me do dah.

[Not Now Kato]

I commented to my wife that she was plucking her eye brows into a shape that was too high in the middle. She looked surprised.

[Bentley Bullet]

Who famously claimed to "Float like a butterfly, sting like a Bee?

Answers below, quoting "Muhammad Ali competition."

[Colin C No.3]

I was in an Indian restaurant & the waiter came up & said “Curry ok?” I said “I might sing when I’m finished”.

[ravenrover]

Everything is made abroad, I just bought a radio on the box it said Built In Antenna, I don't even know where that is