Tim Vine Jokes

[Bentley Bullet]

Former Guns & Roses singer Axl Rose now works as a driver for Amazon. He had a parcel to deliver to the manager's office at Rotherham United's New York Stadium.

..... It brought back fond memories as he knocked on Evans' door.

[Not Now Kato]

I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died – which was lucky really, because he trod on a landmine.

[welloffside]

I remember going to see my Father.

"Dad" I said "you've got a suppository stuck behind your ear"

" I wondered where my hearing aid was" he replied

[Not Now Kato]

Aliens visit Earth. They come in peace and surprisingly , they speak English.
Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors. When it’s the Pope’s turn, he asks: “Do you know about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?”
“You mean JC?”, responds the alien. “Yeah, we know him! He’s the greatest, isn’t he? He swings by every year to make sure that we are doing ok”.
Surprised, the pope follows up with: “He visits every year?! It’s been over two millennia and we’re still waiting for his SECOND coming!”
The alien sees that the pope has become irate at this fact and starts trying to rationalize. “Maybe he likes our chocolates better than yours?”
The pope retorts “Chocolates? What are you talking about? What does that have to do with anything?”
The alien says “Yea, when he first visited our planet we gave him a huge box of chocolates! Why? What did you guys do?”

[Bentley Bullet]

I recently spent £6500 on a registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyway......I had the Vet come and take a look at him. He said,, the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young.

So he gave me some pills to feed him once per day. The bull started to service the cows within two days……. all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ... but they kind of taste like peppermint.

[Not Now Kato]

I recently read that all dyslexic sheep are also gay – turns out there’s nowt so queer as flock.

[Not Now Kato]

I can't believe how rude the people at the suppository helpline were...!

[Not Now Kato]

A man who took an airline company to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case...!

[welloffside]

I see that Mark Knopfler is reforming Dire Straits to tour with Chris Rea.

Fantastic, I'm not sure about the name though.    The Dire Rea  tour

[Colin C No.3]

Woman from Dunscroft goes to the doctors with chronic constipation. He gives her a weeks course of suppositories & says,
“Put one a day up your back passage & come & see me in a week”.

A week later she leaves Ingram Crescent & heads for the docs. She’s called through from the waiting room & sits down in the doctors office.

“How do you feel after a week of using the medication I gave you Mrs. Stubbs?”

“No better, still not used the lavvy”.

The doctor looks amazed & says “Did you put them up your back passage one a day as I prescribed?”

Mrs. Stubbs answers “Well I don’t have a back passage so I put one a day on my back doorstep. And I have to tell you that for what good they’ve done I might as well have shoved them up……….”

[welloffside]

An eighteen stone man is out of work, he's reading an acting newspaper and it announces ' extras wanted for a Japanese prison camp film, TENKO THE MOVIE.

Why not he thinks, and drives down to Pinewood Studios for the auditions.

He's standing in a line with lots of very thin men as the director walks past. "Yes, him Yes, him and stops in front of our man.  "You are a little bit Lardy for the part, don't you think?'

" Have a heart" says our man " I was only captured yesterday"

[Usher wide.]

Don’t you just hate pretending text.

[tommy toes]

Just back from the doctors. I thought I’d got arthritis, he said no it’s early onset rigor mortis.

[Not Now Kato]

I've studied palindromes for so long that I know them all backwards.

[Bentley Bullet]

Our lass just nipped out to the shop. Within a minute she was back in the house. I said "You were quick", she said, "Next door's dog's just gone for me"......

Bloody marvellous, it never goes for me.

[tommy toes]

I’m sick of people complaining about the £10 parking fee, £7 greeting charge and £20 hospitality.
If that’s how they feel they can stay away from our house.

[Not Now Kato]

I've just ordered 100 bottles of Tippex from Amazon
 
 
 
Big mistake!
 

[Not Now Kato]

A man will appear in court today charged with tippexing all the fullstops in books at his local library

He's expecting a long sentence

[drfchound]

A man will appear in court today charged with tippexing all the fullstops in books at his local library

He's expecting a long sentence

But hopefully, not Capital punishment.

[welloffside]

I went to the ' Well-Man' clinic at The Infirmary

The Doctor asked me " Does your penis burn after intercourse?"

" I don't know " I replied " I've never tried setting fire to it"

[Draytonian III]

Two snowmen are walking through a field and one turns to the other one and says “ can you smell carrots

[ravenrover]

Arrived at work to be told they've found my wifes body floating in the Don. I've got to leave straight away .........
that's not where I put her

[Bentley Bullet]

Daley Thompson, Tessa Sanderson and Steve Cram are all round at Seb Coe's house for tea.
Steve brought the fish, Tessa brought the chips, Daley brought the peas and Seb provided the salt and vinegar. Suddenly there is a knock at the door so Seb gets up to answer. "Who is it?", asks
everyone in unison.
"It's Fatima wi t'bread."

[welloffside]

My grandson came round to see me last night after his school firework display.

" What did you do?" I asked him " We spent the night shoving bangers up frog's arses"  he replied.

I was furious, not only with his actions, but also with his use of the English language.

" rectum", I hissed. "Oh yes Grandad, blew them to bits"

[welloffside]

   At my 'Well - Man' clinic the doctor asked me  " Ahem.. Are you regular?"

 " Oh yes" I replied " every morning 7.30 shit like a hippo, but it causes problems"

  "why?" replied the doctor.

    Because I don't get up till 8

[Bentley Bullet]

I swapped all the wrappers around in our lasses sweets tin.

She wasn't amused, she got her Snickers in a Twix.

[Bentley Bullet]

A tourist who fainted on the London Eye is said to be slowly coming round.

[ravenrover]

I cook meals for the homeless, drug addicts, people with addictions to gambling and alcohol, you know all that sort of things

Charity work?

No I work at Wetherspoons

[Dutch Uncle]

Did you hear about the case of the guy who broke into a shop selling electrical spares, and trashed the whole place. The poor owner spent the whole night stocktaking and going through his inventory for the insurance company. At court the judge said there was no assault, but there were multiple counts of batteries.

[Usher wide.]

Prince Andrew returned home to the Royal Lodge to find his latest girlfriend sobbing as she packed her bags.

“What’s going on?” he asked.

She replied “All the papers & TV news are saying you’re a peadophile so I’m leaving”.

He said “Whoa wait a minute, that’s a big word for a fourteen year old”.