Tim Vine Jokes

[scawsby steve]

My best friend when I was a kid was Andy Zoff.

He was the fastest boy at my school.

My best mate joined the Police Force when he left school.

He lived at Letsby Avenue.

[idler]

If he was a detective it could have been Plane Close, Cantley.

[Not Now Kato]

My best friend when I was a kid was Andy Zoff.

He was the fastest boy at my school.

My best mate joined the Police Force when he left school.

He lived at Letsby Avenue.

And his favourite snap was truncheon meat sandwiches.

[belton rover]

So I went to this night club and I said to this girl, “What’s your name?”
“Chantelle”
“Oh go on”

[Bentley Bullet]

When one door closes another one opens.

Apart from that, it's a pretty decent car.

[Bentley Bullet]

Pulled my back at work and was given a number and told to ask for Pat (Sick Line). All I keep getting is a female singing "Crazy".

©

[Colin C No.3]

About a month before he died, my uncle smothered his back in lard. He went downhill very quickly after that.

[belton rover]

So I went to the train station and said “I want to go to Paris.”
“Eurostar?”
“Well I’ve been on TV but I’m no Dean Martin.”

[Bentley Bullet]

What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.

[belton rover]

I was looking for my cat named “meow”… the wife shouted “he’s on a mat up here”.

[Bentley Bullet]

Lord Nelson was approx 5ft 6, yet his statue is 17ft 4.
That’s Horatio of 3: 1

[drfchound]

Lord Nelson was approx 5ft 6, yet his statue is 17ft 4.
That’s Horatio of 3: 1

 

[Donnywolf]

I was walking with a slice of bread on my head , my mate said why

I said it's my Loaf Hat Diet

[Donnywolf]

Sat in Costa yesterday and got hit over head , and Laptop and phone were stolen

Told Cops I'd been Mugged

[welloffside]

    I drink brake fluid,    but I can stop anytime

[drfchound]

Three teenagers were caught drinking battery acid.
Two got charged and one was let off.

[Donnywolf]

I drink Petrol * to cheer me up .... Currently getting 60 smiles per gallon

* I DONT drink petrol of course

[Donnywolf]

My best friend when I was a kid was Andy Zoff.

He was the fastest boy at my school.

My best mate ) joined the Police Force when he left school.

He lived at Letsby Avenue.

My mate (genuinely) bought an old Police Station / House and it was enormous .

I always call it Evening Hall , couldn't get him to call it that though

[Bentley Bullet]

A bloke walks into a cafe
A cup of tea, please 
Milk and sugar?
Milk please and fourteen sugars.
Fourteen?
Yeah but don’t stir it, I don’t like it sweet.

[belton rover]

This bloke said to me ‘Can you tell me where I might find a toupee?’

I replied ‘Not off the top of my head.’

[Bentley Bullet]

Just finished reading Agatha Christie's "Murder on the Buses"

Butler did it.

[Not Now Kato]

The first rule of Condescending Club is, well, it’s really kind of complex, and I don’t think you’d understand even if I explained it to you

[turnbull for england]

My mates not very bright but means we'll, just raised money for blind dogs for the guides

[SydneyRover]

Otto Nobedder?

[Donnywolf]

Saw homeless man dressed as Henry 8th in Donny recently

Thought beggars cant be Tudors ?

[Bentley Bullet]

A copper stopped me last night. He said, "Get out of the car and walk to me." I did that and he said, "You're staggering." I said, "You're not too bad yourself."

[Pancho Regan]

I entered 10 puns in a pun competition, hoping one would win first prize.
No pun in ten did.

[Colin C No.3]

A police car pulled me over & a policeman got out & tapped on my window. I turned the window down & said “Do you mind, I’m on the phone here”.

[scawsby steve]

An old mate of mine told me his wife had passed away suddenly. I said to him "God, you must be distraught with grief. What on Earth happened?". He replied "It was Sunday morning and she went into the back garden to get a cauliflower for Sunday dinner. As she pulled it up, she keeled over, stone dead".

I said "God, that's awful. What did you do?".

He replied "I had to open a tin of f*cking peas".

[Colin C No.3]

The worst pub I ever went into was called ‘The Fiddle’. It was a vile inn.