Tim Vine Jokes

[Not Now Kato]

Of all the bad puns in the world, the ones about German sausages are the wurst.

[Not Now Kato]

I just can't see me living in a house without mirrors.

[Not Now Kato]

A really handsome bloke ran past me this evening. I thought, he’s dashing.

[Not Now Kato]

Newsflash! A man has been stealing wheels off police cars.

Police are working tirelessly to catch him.

[Not Now Kato]

Rumors of a food shortage at this year’s spoonerism conference turned out to be a complete lack of pies.

[Not Now Kato]

Two guys looking in a car showroom window. One says: "There's the one I'd get."

Seconds later he was beaten-up by a cyclops.

[Bentley Bullet]

Breaking News....

Devon and Cornwall have cancelled their planned joint '60s & '70s retro music festival after a row over whether to put The Jam or Cream on first.

[Not Now Kato]

Polce toay announce they are nvestgatng a strng of ID thefts.

[Not Now Kato]

I was sitting by the pool with a sociology student and asked him, have you read Marx yet?

He said yes, I think its these wicker chairs.

[ravenrover]

I was driving the other day and thought Van Morrison was just behind me. Realised that the rearview mirror reverses things and it was actually a Morrisons Van

[Not Now Kato]

I'm selling my pet python on eBay and some bloke just rang up and asked, "Is it big?"
I said "It's huge."
He said "WOW! How many feet?"
I said "None, its a snake".

[Iberian Red]

NNK,you are without doubt the king of one liners on this forum.

[Not Now Kato]

NNK,you are without doubt the king of one liners on this forum.

Just trying to bring a bit of light hearted fun amongst all the angst in Off Topic.  Here's another one
 
 
I caught my son chewing on an electric cord, so I had to ground him. He’s doing better currently and now conducting himself properly.

[Not Now Kato]

My wife asked me to clear the table this morning.
 
I needed a run up, but I made it.

[drfchound]

Polce toay announce they are nvestgatng a strng of ID thefts.

A friend I hadn’t seen for a while told me that he struggled to say words which had an F, T or H in them.
I said , you can’t say fairer than that then.

[Bentley Bullet]

A bloke with a bucket of bitumen looked over my garden fence, he said "Do you want your shed retard?" I said, "No."
So he took it!

[Not Now Kato]

Anyone got any ideas on how to fix a noisy dishwasher?............ I've tried flowers, chocolates and wine and she's still moaning

[Not Now Kato]

I went on one of those Zoom speed dating things the other evening.
I saw this really attractive woman; early 20s, blonde with a gorgeous figure, so I decided to talk to her.
To break the ice I asked her where she was from and she replied "I love dogs"!
I just clicked the off button - I mean, if she's so thick she can't answer a simple question like that!

[Not Now Kato]

If you don’t know what introspection is...... you need to take a long, hard look at yourself!

[Not Now Kato]

Reuters Today: News is reaching us from Japan that a man has learnt how to do Origami backwards.

We'll bring you more on this story as it unfolds.

[Not Now Kato]

You've got to hand it to blind prostitutes.

[Not Now Kato]

What’s a foot long and slippery?

A slipper.

[Not Now Kato]

Our dog died and my girlfriend was really upset. To help cheer here up I went and got another one. She just sobbed and asked “what are we supposed to do with two dead dogs?”

[Not Now Kato]

In the spirit of Wimbledon fortnight I bought a punnet of strawberries and looked to the internet for the best way to serve them.
It suggested that I halve the strawberries, dust with icing sugar, and pile cream on top.


A word to the wise - pile cream tastes disgusting.

[Not Now Kato]

Plethora...........
A word that means a lot to me.

[Not Now Kato]

I accidentally swallowed a load of scrabble tiles… my next visit to the toilet could spell disaster.

[Not Now Kato]

Autocorrect has become my worst enema

[Not Now Kato]

I was walking through the jungle when I came upon a lizard standing on it's hind legs telling jokes.
I said to the local tribesman - that lizard is very funny. He replied -

That's no ordinary lizard, that's a stand up chameleon!

[Not Now Kato]

A cowboy walks into a saloon and orders a whisky. As the bartender serves the drink, the cowboy asks, "Where is everybody?"
The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."
"Hanging? Who are they hanging?" Asks the cowboy.
"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.
"Brown Paper Pete, what kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.
"Well," said the bartender, "It's because he wears a hat made out of brown paper, a shirt made out of brown paper, brown paper trousers and brown paper gloves & shoes...!!"
"Weird guy," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"
"Rustling," said the bartender...

[Bentley Bullet]

Steve Evans walks into a butcher's shop in Rotherham and asks "Is that a pig's head in the window?" The butcher said, "No, it's a mirror."