Tim Vine Jokes

[Usher wide.]

The couple living next door to me have recently made a sex video. Of course they don’t know that yet.

[Bentley Bullet]

My mate told me that he failed his Aboriginal music exam.

I said, "Did you redo it?"

[Usher wide.]

I’ve just found out that Stefi Graff has a sister called Polly.

I’m not lying.

[Bentley Bullet]

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she came out of jail, but I was told you can’t end a sentence with a proposition.

[Bentley Bullet]

I once asked Lulu, "What do you call that hole in the ground where water comes from?"

That was 10 minutes of my life I won’t get back

[Usher wide.]

Me & my wife bought a water bed but decided to get rid of it. We found we were drifting apart.

[Bentley Bullet]

Banks should do a better job of keeping their ATM's filled.

This is the fifth one I've been to that says insufficient funds.

[Usher wide.]

I’ll never forget seeing my wife walking down that aisle.
My heart was beating faster & faster as she approached.
Finally there she was standing next to me.
I gave her a wink & said “Quick, get that trolley over here. They’ve got a 3 for 2 offer on Stella.”

[Bentley Bullet]

I wish people wouldn’t go on about their phobias. I have a fear of heights, but I don’t go shouting about it from the rooftops.

[Bentley Bullet]

My four-year-old grandson can't say please in Spanish.

That's poor for four.

[Not Now Kato]

A woman who injected her 8 year old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody of her child. The child didn't look surprised at all.
 

[Bentley Bullet]

Welsh police are looking for a group of men after several people were attacked with wooden fence posts..

The public should keep an eye out for the Tenby Four.

[Bentley Bullet]

I've just been informed that my Uncle has left me an expensive antique watch in his will.

I hope it's not a wind-up.

[Bentley Bullet]

Many thanks to those participating in "Sober In October" this year.

Loads of room at the bar!

[welloffside]

It has just been announced that the winner of this years Nobel prize is the inventor of the Door Knocker

[SydneyRover]

Just been listening to a traditional Portuguese singer, she had a dog called Fido.

[SydneyRover]

I didn't realise the Pyrenees were so knobbly.

[drfchound]

I was mugged tonight by six dwarves.
Not Happy.

[Not Now Kato]

Do dyslexic Yorkshiremen wear cat flaps?

[Pancho Regan]

When I broke my arm a few years ago, a couple of mates asked if they could sign my cast.
One of them wrote “Pancho’s a prat”.

That was just adding insult to injury.

[Pancho Regan]

If you’re ever attacked by a drunken gang dressed as clowns, go for the juggler.

[drfchound]

My mate went for a job interview at Old McDonalds Farm.
He now their new CIEIO.

[Not Now Kato]

I came home to find my front door had been forced open, no-one in there, but the hall was littered with brass musical instruments. I knew straight away that the break-in was by buglers.

[Boycie]

I have no Luck, I bought a paper shop last year but it blew away.

[Not Now Kato]

It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub.  It's a 30 minute walk from the pub to my house.
 
The difference is staggering!
 

[belton rover]

I’ve been struggling with my eyesight recently so I went to the optimists.
They said ‘don’t worry, you’ll be fine’.

[welloffside]

Do you think that the people in Gloccamaura ever wonder how we are getting on?

[Not Now Kato]

It hurts me to say this, but, I've got a terrible sore throat.

[welloffside]

We all have heard of Karl Marx, the revolutionary socialist.

No one ever mentions his grand- daughter, Onya,  who invented the starting pistol.

[tommy toes]

New book out about the canals.
Fighting on a narrowboat by R.G. Bargee.